Asia House, Oberlin OH

It depends on what you call “living”.

Maybe the world isn’t in a decline, it’s just that the problems have grown more complex, more sophisticated, more widespread, less noticeable. It scares me to think that someday I would decide I want to live my life and betray my dissatisfaction and anger at mankind. To be one of the millions that say nothing and nobody hears, to be one of millions of just ordinary people. Living life just for the material pleasures. How revolting, and here I am in a relationship with Sakuko. Is it doomed because I am? It’s a matter of values, isn’t it? Would to be happy with Sakuko fulfill my criteria for really living? No idea.

Asia House, Oberlin OH

What? It’s been less than a month since I last wrote in here and how things change! It’s the third and last week of the Japan program and I’ve acquired a girlfriend. Best made plans having been laid waste. I need some perspective on this relationship. I know what my world is, it has shown itself quite clearly. My life is me, here and now. Everything in my life I’ve drawn to me for a reason and the result isn’t exactly positive. So where does Sakuko fit in? A positive element in a life spinning out of control and liking it that way. How can I be so very stupid?

Is she just a passing triviality? No one is until they’re gone, but comes a time when they are gone and anything I might write or think about the strength or enduring nature of a love is easily invalidated. I don’t want to feel that insecurity. How long is this going to last? I just want this love to be, no analysis, no investigating reactions, just let it be. A girlfriend now is the last thing I need but I can’t bear to just turn around and chuck it away.