198 Shakespeare Street, S.F.

March 1997

If I’m not in love with Madoka, I’m not in love with anyone and never will be again. I’m not in love with Madoka, and I should be.

I look at Madoka and I see the most wonderful, glowing, beautiful person in the world. I look at her with love, with devotion and adoration, knowing I love her, but I just don’t feel the love. I’m not in love.

I look at her and I can’t understand what is wrong with me. How can I know I love her without feeling it? I can say I love her over and over again and know that I mean it. I just don’t feel it. Is it that kind of love? Different from the respect, trust, and adoration I’ve felt all these years of knowing her? Yes, it is that kind of love. And I know it, I just don’t feel it.

My definition of love has changed from what it was before. Love for me ended with Amina. Joy is completely inexplicable now. I’m hard pressed to call it love, although it was something that I could have called love while it was happening.

Ana Claire blew open doors of alternative types of intimacy. It was impersonal intimacy. It was going through some motions with perhaps an occasional charade of substance, but knowing full well there was none. It’s very disturbing, although quite fitting, that she was the last person I slept with. Yuck.

That was mean. I take it back.

And then this thing with Madoka; knowing I love her without feeling it. I understand it. But looking at the words, I wonder how many other people would understand it. And other people I find myself attracted to? It’s take it or leave it. Makes no difference. People are all eventually disappointments.

Back in the U.S.

Series V, Roll 9 (Pentax K2, Tri-X): When you fly from Japan to San Francisco, you arrive earlier than when you left. After I returned, I went out shooting for a double-exposure project for a photography class. Basically, shoot one roll quickly of any subject matter, rewind the roll being careful not to rewind the film all the way into the canister, re-load the film and shoot the roll again. It's random and results are hit or miss.


Frame 8

Series V, Roll 8 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Kansai, Japan:

Frame 31 - Woman sleeping. Shot between cars on what I now know must be a Hankyu train.

Series V, Roll 8 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Kansai, Japan


Frame 16 - This shot was the absolute proof that this trip was in the Kansai region. I can read the characters for Morinomiya on the sign, so I did a web search for 'JR Morinomiya' and it placed the station right at Osaka Castle. The other frames of this series are around a castle. No wonder why I couldn't figure out what castle in Tokyo we visited.


Frame 19 - Madoka was with me that day.

Series V, Roll 8 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Kansai, Japan: I might have been out on my own this day. Madoka might have had business to attend to. Again, I just have no recollection. I thought all of these shots were Tokyo.


Frame 0 - I think this is a restaurant display featuring sake very prominently.


Frame 3 - Very disconcerting having thought this was Tokyo. Having lived in Osaka for four months in 1992, I'd think I'd have some idea where I wandered around. And remembered it.


Frame 7 - I love this shot, but I didn't discover it until I got a scanner. When I was printing in a darkroom, I had no idea how nice this shot was and never printed it.

Series V, Roll 7 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5):

Kansai, Japan:


Frame 25 - No idea where this was.


Frame 28 - Madoka, Keita, and bicyclist. The darkroom print I made of this shot indicates this was around Kanzakigawa, Osaka. I have no recollection of what we were doing around Kanzakigawa. We were out for a walk, they were still figuring out if they were interested in each other, so I just shot.

Also from this day:
http://www.fotolog.com/keauxgeigh/12945406
http://www.fotolog.com/keauxgeigh/16809306

Series V, Roll 6 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5):

Visiting Madoka, Kansai, Japan:


Frame 20 - I attributed this shot as being in Tokyo on flickr, but knowing it is Kansai, it does look like a Hankyu train. I don't remember where this was shot, but that does look like it might be the Yodo River.

Also from this day:
http://www.fotolog.com/keauxgeigh/23166140
http://www.fotolog.com/keauxgeigh/32360203

Series V, Roll 6 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5):

Visiting Madoka, Kansai, Japan: Holy crap! From these pictures, I had been thinking this trip to visit Madoka was in Tokyo. On flickr and fotolog I've been indicating that all these pictures are of Tokyo. But based on suspicions and little pieces of evidence, this was definitely in Kansai.

I do remember that I flew into the new Osaka airport one time (it was under construction when I was there in 1992). I remember Madoka accompanying me there when I left. I also remember meeting and visiting Keita, her love interest at the time, and once I think about it, I vaguely remember that was in Kyoto.

I must have stayed with Madoka, but I don't remember at all where she lived. In fact, I remember very little about only very few of these shots. I don't remember anything about what we did or where we went.


Frame 8 - Kyoto, along a river. This is the first frame that raised doubt about where this trip was. Most riverside areas in Japan look the same, but the ones in Kyoto are very distinct.


Frame 9 - A river that looks like this I'm confident I'd never seen anywhere in Japan except Kyoto.

Also from this day:
http://www.fotolog.com/keauxgeigh/14672323

Series V, Roll 5 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Ocean Beach:


Frame 24 - One of my favorites of my own shots.

Series V, Roll 5 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Downtown shooting:


Frame 3 - Mission Street in the Financial District. Shot from an upper balcony of Golden Gate University.

Playground at Portsmouth Square, Chinatown:


Frame 9


Frame 11

Series V, Roll 4 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5):

Golden Gate Bridge area:


Frame 29 - Marine Drive, the road that leads to Fort Point under the bridge.


Frame 34