I think I’ve reached the point once again that I am thoroughly sick of my life. I’m trying to reach 34, but it seems so long away. I think of the end of my life right now, but I think of things that I want to do before I leave. It’s a contradiction. Which is closer to real? Neither. Leaving is closer to real in respect to attachment to being here, but “leaving” is already an attachment. These are the contradictory paradigms that comprise my life.
No one gets me. I had a talk with Josefa this past week which made it clear that no one gets me; she certainly doesn’t. She couldn’t emphasize more that I am different. I’m incomprehensible. And it makes it hard for the people around me. And she’s right.
I’m taking a few days off for vacation. I’m heading down to Southern California for the first time and I’m visiting Rosalie, taking in some sites – Joshua Tree, Kings Canyon, Sequoia National Park, maybe Manzanar, maybe Yosemite. I doubt I’ll hit them all.
I’m filled with anxiety about this trip. I don’t know why, I just have been on edge all day because of this trip. I hate my life, I hate living it, I hate being here, I hate existing. I don’t know how I’m going to survive. But why am I distressed? Why do I care? Why can’t I break through? This is so maddening and I’m so confused. I want to leave but...I’m not.
Showing posts with label attachment delusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment delusion. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2001
Saturday, January 08, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I can't write in here without the feeling that I need to be wrapping things up. I have a lot of questions concerning what I'm doing here and what I should be doing. Not the big questions, the little specifics. I've established how I should go about my day to day life, the accomplishment of which will in itself be no easy task. Now it's a matter of considering how that affects the other elements that make up human life and deciding where I stand on them.
Relationships should be a no-brainer, but they are an embarrassingly prominent issue. Relationships should be 100% out for me. What relationships are to each of us is different, so I'm not saying that all people with pursuits similar to mine, pursuits to get a little bit of clarity on life and existence beyond material appearances, should avoid relationships. But for what relationships are to me, they should be avoided. They don't support my pursuits, they only distract.
But I struggle with desire and feeling. I still recognize the strength and allure of emotional intimacy. It's difficult to get past entertaining the possibility of getting into a relationship. It's difficult to up-front declare that I will no longer participate in the relationship culture.
I guess at the core of my being are echoes of a lot of pain and suffering and inability to cope. At the core, I'm still hurting from whatever and hoping for some miracle that will make me feel all better. There is still a lot that I want. There are things in my past that are long gone, but I long to recover and I haven't resolved that.
Relationships should be a no-brainer, but they are an embarrassingly prominent issue. Relationships should be 100% out for me. What relationships are to each of us is different, so I'm not saying that all people with pursuits similar to mine, pursuits to get a little bit of clarity on life and existence beyond material appearances, should avoid relationships. But for what relationships are to me, they should be avoided. They don't support my pursuits, they only distract.
But I struggle with desire and feeling. I still recognize the strength and allure of emotional intimacy. It's difficult to get past entertaining the possibility of getting into a relationship. It's difficult to up-front declare that I will no longer participate in the relationship culture.
I guess at the core of my being are echoes of a lot of pain and suffering and inability to cope. At the core, I'm still hurting from whatever and hoping for some miracle that will make me feel all better. There is still a lot that I want. There are things in my past that are long gone, but I long to recover and I haven't resolved that.
Tuesday, July 26, 1994
247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco
Telling myself that I don't want to get involved with Joy is purely a defense mechanism. I really wouldn't mind. I can't deny the effect that she's having on my life. Might I start caring?
Why did things fail with Amina? How could I have been so wrong? Why was I convinced that she was right? How do I avoid missing again? What was happening when, and whose fault was it?
I should have seen it coming. I think of the situations we were in, and how could I have not seen it coming? Things were already falling apart soon after we got together. Soon after the honeymoon part of the relationship ended. That should have meant something.
Our situations were all wrong, she was in academia and I was dealing with the 'rents. I needed more than she was able to give and she wasn't pressed to accept what I was giving. I was more stress for her than not, and likewise. But the stress she caused me was much less than the stress the 'rents were causing. So I intentionally burned my hand so that I wouldn't notice that the rest of me was on fire.
I have to look farther and deeper, though. I did go out to Oberlin several times during her Spring semester and those times were quite successful, productive, happy times. What was I ignoring that could have indicated to me not to let all my defenses down?
There were no indications when we were together, but how about when we were apart? When we were apart, our communications were woefully inadequate. She didn't communicate often and when she did, she didn't do it very well. She was too preoccupied. We were always postponing a happy, continuous relationship for some ambiguous time in the future. It was OK if things were crap now, things would be better “in the future”.
Dependence was a huge problem. I should have been gauging my feelings at all times. I used the problem of the 'rents to ignore Amina as a problem as well. I depended on Amina to help me through my problems. That was all wrong. I did have bad feelings towards Amina, and regardless of what excuse I could come up with to explain, disregard, or justify them, I should have taken them seriously as a warning. No excuses. My fingers should have been on my pulse. But is that love?
There was no reason why I shouldn't have trusted Amina. There was no indicator or warning that I shouldn't have been trusting Amina. I can't explain why I failed myself so miserably. I was just totally deluded, forcing myself to believe that we had a relationship we didn't. Placing faith in the future when the present was crap.
I don't know how to avoid it again. It's so easy to think that I can trust Joy, Joy is completely different from Amina, it's not in her nature or character to do what Amina did. Ah yes. Amina was just like Joy, wasn't she? How to avoid the delusion?
I don't know how Amina views what she did. She may not think of it as this evil, malicious, heartless breach of trust that I remember. People have needs, people break up with their partners. I've broken up with people and have hurt them in the process. Why is it such a major production when it happens to me, just because of the way I had treated it, just because of my perceptions and assumptions?
Avoiding relationships is not the answer, that's not me to cut off and deny myself the communication I need. That's not life. There are already differences in me now from what I was around Amina. Why Amina at all? She sure didn't leave anything. What about Amina aside from her presence, which lost its grace easily enough. There is still a lot to worry about in getting involved with Joy or anyone. When it comes into a consideration of involvement, both my trust and confidence plunge. Quickly.
Why did things fail with Amina? How could I have been so wrong? Why was I convinced that she was right? How do I avoid missing again? What was happening when, and whose fault was it?
I should have seen it coming. I think of the situations we were in, and how could I have not seen it coming? Things were already falling apart soon after we got together. Soon after the honeymoon part of the relationship ended. That should have meant something.
Our situations were all wrong, she was in academia and I was dealing with the 'rents. I needed more than she was able to give and she wasn't pressed to accept what I was giving. I was more stress for her than not, and likewise. But the stress she caused me was much less than the stress the 'rents were causing. So I intentionally burned my hand so that I wouldn't notice that the rest of me was on fire.
I have to look farther and deeper, though. I did go out to Oberlin several times during her Spring semester and those times were quite successful, productive, happy times. What was I ignoring that could have indicated to me not to let all my defenses down?
There were no indications when we were together, but how about when we were apart? When we were apart, our communications were woefully inadequate. She didn't communicate often and when she did, she didn't do it very well. She was too preoccupied. We were always postponing a happy, continuous relationship for some ambiguous time in the future. It was OK if things were crap now, things would be better “in the future”.
Dependence was a huge problem. I should have been gauging my feelings at all times. I used the problem of the 'rents to ignore Amina as a problem as well. I depended on Amina to help me through my problems. That was all wrong. I did have bad feelings towards Amina, and regardless of what excuse I could come up with to explain, disregard, or justify them, I should have taken them seriously as a warning. No excuses. My fingers should have been on my pulse. But is that love?
There was no reason why I shouldn't have trusted Amina. There was no indicator or warning that I shouldn't have been trusting Amina. I can't explain why I failed myself so miserably. I was just totally deluded, forcing myself to believe that we had a relationship we didn't. Placing faith in the future when the present was crap.
I don't know how to avoid it again. It's so easy to think that I can trust Joy, Joy is completely different from Amina, it's not in her nature or character to do what Amina did. Ah yes. Amina was just like Joy, wasn't she? How to avoid the delusion?
I don't know how Amina views what she did. She may not think of it as this evil, malicious, heartless breach of trust that I remember. People have needs, people break up with their partners. I've broken up with people and have hurt them in the process. Why is it such a major production when it happens to me, just because of the way I had treated it, just because of my perceptions and assumptions?
Avoiding relationships is not the answer, that's not me to cut off and deny myself the communication I need. That's not life. There are already differences in me now from what I was around Amina. Why Amina at all? She sure didn't leave anything. What about Amina aside from her presence, which lost its grace easily enough. There is still a lot to worry about in getting involved with Joy or anyone. When it comes into a consideration of involvement, both my trust and confidence plunge. Quickly.
Monday, June 13, 1994
247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco
School starts in two months. I might as well stop looking for a job. Life frozen static. My frustration with my life and living isn't my state of mind, it isn't my whole life. It's just the getting from day to day, the breathing, the eating, the surviving.
My life as a whole is still what it always has been and I'm fine with that. I like having nothing to live for and not minding dying at any point. That's how I want to live my life, not looking for far off goals with desire as my motivation. That doesn't make much sense. If that's so, then what's the problem with getting from day to day?
Frances visited last week. We had a pretty good time. We went to St. Helena and got drunk, climbed rocks and cliffs along the coast, went up into the Marin Headlands. There was no real spark of friendship though, she felt only like a guest. Just a guest.
I've become so desensitized towards people and friends. With Frances there is still fallout from the frustration of her past two incredibly unhealthy relationships. Truth to tell, it would have made no difference if she didn't visit or hadn't gotten back in touch with me in the first place. It's good that she did and I'm glad for it, but it wouldn't have been for the worse if she hadn't.
Tria is a little different. I've been liking our friendship. I might even trust her. She's a lot of fun to be with and has kept my mind off how my life is going nowhere. I noticed while Frances was here that the only reason why I still have any sense of humor left is because of Tria.
Tria is great, but it is only a friendship. I would like to start going out with someone again. Frances and I talked about factors that would contribute to the ideal life or living. For me, finding that one special person is the most important thing. Not much else would make life worth living than finding that person that makes me feel comfortable in my skin.
I believe that Amina and I have met before in previous lifetimes. I think we go back a long way and every once in a while, in terms of lifetimes, our circumstances allow us to find each other. We have met each other in previous lifetimes in perhaps many different relationships. Maybe we've been lovers before, maybe parent-child, maybe siblings, maybe lifelong friends, maybe sworn enemies, maybe student-teacher, maybe rapist-victim, maybe Romeo and Juliet, maybe in some lifetimes we've left each other in the deepest of love, maybe in some our relationship was never resolved.
What happened to us in this lifetime may be so trivial. Our forms in Amina and Koji may seem so all-important, but we are just an episode. We knew each other for the whole of three years, how many years had passed before we met, how many more will pass now without each other. This is just one lifetime that failed. Many others we had been happy together, or happy in our separation with a love so strong. Maybe unhappy together or apart. This is just one lifetime.
It's not that important. We will live again and we will be brought together again. The child grew in the mother only to be born dead. Things look so promising only to be cut down unexpectedly. Our civilization grew only to be snuffed out by nuclear war. But other planets, other star systems, other dimensions, life and imagination goes on because that is the stuff of God.
I am here in this lifetime to learn to not be deceived or disturbed by appearances, they are only illusions. To be unaffected and unsaddened by them, they are only facts. The real life is in the learning and the growing. Amina is only an appearance of a soul that I know infinitely well. What she did is nothing. It was done by a woman I know as Amina. And that woman is just a single manifestation of a soul that is so much larger than either of us can ever imagine. I must cut through the appearance of Amina and see her true self so that I may recognize it in the future. But in the future, she will be the one who looks for me and teaches me how to forgive.
But maybe this isn't an end, just a beginning. That heart of Amina came and went and may never be a part of my life again. But maybe she opened something up for someone else to come in and teach me; someone I haven't recognized yet. Maybe Amina has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
My life as a whole is still what it always has been and I'm fine with that. I like having nothing to live for and not minding dying at any point. That's how I want to live my life, not looking for far off goals with desire as my motivation. That doesn't make much sense. If that's so, then what's the problem with getting from day to day?
Frances visited last week. We had a pretty good time. We went to St. Helena and got drunk, climbed rocks and cliffs along the coast, went up into the Marin Headlands. There was no real spark of friendship though, she felt only like a guest. Just a guest.
I've become so desensitized towards people and friends. With Frances there is still fallout from the frustration of her past two incredibly unhealthy relationships. Truth to tell, it would have made no difference if she didn't visit or hadn't gotten back in touch with me in the first place. It's good that she did and I'm glad for it, but it wouldn't have been for the worse if she hadn't.
Tria is a little different. I've been liking our friendship. I might even trust her. She's a lot of fun to be with and has kept my mind off how my life is going nowhere. I noticed while Frances was here that the only reason why I still have any sense of humor left is because of Tria.
Tria is great, but it is only a friendship. I would like to start going out with someone again. Frances and I talked about factors that would contribute to the ideal life or living. For me, finding that one special person is the most important thing. Not much else would make life worth living than finding that person that makes me feel comfortable in my skin.
I believe that Amina and I have met before in previous lifetimes. I think we go back a long way and every once in a while, in terms of lifetimes, our circumstances allow us to find each other. We have met each other in previous lifetimes in perhaps many different relationships. Maybe we've been lovers before, maybe parent-child, maybe siblings, maybe lifelong friends, maybe sworn enemies, maybe student-teacher, maybe rapist-victim, maybe Romeo and Juliet, maybe in some lifetimes we've left each other in the deepest of love, maybe in some our relationship was never resolved.
What happened to us in this lifetime may be so trivial. Our forms in Amina and Koji may seem so all-important, but we are just an episode. We knew each other for the whole of three years, how many years had passed before we met, how many more will pass now without each other. This is just one lifetime that failed. Many others we had been happy together, or happy in our separation with a love so strong. Maybe unhappy together or apart. This is just one lifetime.
It's not that important. We will live again and we will be brought together again. The child grew in the mother only to be born dead. Things look so promising only to be cut down unexpectedly. Our civilization grew only to be snuffed out by nuclear war. But other planets, other star systems, other dimensions, life and imagination goes on because that is the stuff of God.
I am here in this lifetime to learn to not be deceived or disturbed by appearances, they are only illusions. To be unaffected and unsaddened by them, they are only facts. The real life is in the learning and the growing. Amina is only an appearance of a soul that I know infinitely well. What she did is nothing. It was done by a woman I know as Amina. And that woman is just a single manifestation of a soul that is so much larger than either of us can ever imagine. I must cut through the appearance of Amina and see her true self so that I may recognize it in the future. But in the future, she will be the one who looks for me and teaches me how to forgive.
But maybe this isn't an end, just a beginning. That heart of Amina came and went and may never be a part of my life again. But maybe she opened something up for someone else to come in and teach me; someone I haven't recognized yet. Maybe Amina has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
Friday, May 27, 1994
247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco
What am I here to know?
From my experience, seeds of learning get planted at one point, and then traveling through the timeline of life, I reach another point where an experience helps the learnings germinate and grow. Other seeds don't have a catalyzing experience and they never develop significance.
Sometimes we're lucky enough to have an opportunity to have another experience that lets us see the original seeds; the source of the learning, because usually when we have an experience we learn from, we don't remember the source of the learning, why a particular experience has significance to learn from it. A lot of the seeds may be from early childhood or previous lives. This is just from my own experience.
I learned this from the PBS "Cosmos" series by Carl Sagan. That was just the metaphor for the learning. I had watched the series a long time ago. Subsequently through the years I learned stuff. And then I watched the series again and realized that the seeds for a lot of what I learned was sourced in the ideas from Cosmos.
I think I'm here to learn to not be affected or saddened by what I know are just appearances. Amina made it really difficult, but it was all just appearances. I can forgive it, I can let it go. I can try to love her despite my instinct to hate her. I know full well that deep down I do love her. What she did was shitty, I hate what she did, but someday I may learn to not even hate that. She is not characterized by just one of her actions.
Just appearances. A woman called Amina. A person called Amina. I will never get back together with Amina, I may never let her back into my life again. It's all appearances, what matters is what is not seen. Our souls and spirits. They transcend these bodies and this lifetime. If the magnetism between us, the gravity that attracted us into each others lives is what is real, then we will meet each other again. We may not remember this, but it will happen.
Our time together in this life. It was just a scratch on the surface. We only spent a minuscule amount of time with each other in this lifetime. It has been shattered. And in that time, I loved her so deeply.
Her name is vile in my mouth now. "Amina" is just an appearance. Remove the name, remember the heart, the images, the impact. Not the actions. I learned from her and if what we touched in each other transcends lifetimes, then there will always be other lifetimes. This lifetime is insignificant, just appearances. Just one time out of countless times we have met, known, and loved each other. This lifetime is pain, what has happened in this lifetime is what was meant to happen in this lifetime.
From my experience, seeds of learning get planted at one point, and then traveling through the timeline of life, I reach another point where an experience helps the learnings germinate and grow. Other seeds don't have a catalyzing experience and they never develop significance.
Sometimes we're lucky enough to have an opportunity to have another experience that lets us see the original seeds; the source of the learning, because usually when we have an experience we learn from, we don't remember the source of the learning, why a particular experience has significance to learn from it. A lot of the seeds may be from early childhood or previous lives. This is just from my own experience.
I learned this from the PBS "Cosmos" series by Carl Sagan. That was just the metaphor for the learning. I had watched the series a long time ago. Subsequently through the years I learned stuff. And then I watched the series again and realized that the seeds for a lot of what I learned was sourced in the ideas from Cosmos.
I think I'm here to learn to not be affected or saddened by what I know are just appearances. Amina made it really difficult, but it was all just appearances. I can forgive it, I can let it go. I can try to love her despite my instinct to hate her. I know full well that deep down I do love her. What she did was shitty, I hate what she did, but someday I may learn to not even hate that. She is not characterized by just one of her actions.
Just appearances. A woman called Amina. A person called Amina. I will never get back together with Amina, I may never let her back into my life again. It's all appearances, what matters is what is not seen. Our souls and spirits. They transcend these bodies and this lifetime. If the magnetism between us, the gravity that attracted us into each others lives is what is real, then we will meet each other again. We may not remember this, but it will happen.
Our time together in this life. It was just a scratch on the surface. We only spent a minuscule amount of time with each other in this lifetime. It has been shattered. And in that time, I loved her so deeply.
Her name is vile in my mouth now. "Amina" is just an appearance. Remove the name, remember the heart, the images, the impact. Not the actions. I learned from her and if what we touched in each other transcends lifetimes, then there will always be other lifetimes. This lifetime is insignificant, just appearances. Just one time out of countless times we have met, known, and loved each other. This lifetime is pain, what has happened in this lifetime is what was meant to happen in this lifetime.
Wednesday, January 12, 1994
Day one
Best thing that ever could have happened.
She lost faith. She's the one who lost faith. Faith in who knows what. I don't, she never told me enough during our relationship or about our break-up for me to assess where her faith lied.
Her faith lied. Whatever she had faith in, she lost it.
Was there magic in that relationship?
Was there spirituality in that love?
Was there a deeper meaning in what we were?
Was there a dream there?
A symbolic hope?
What just happened?
It's official, we've broken up. The end had to be reached, and we reached it. The love of my life is no more and the shock is impossible to face.
I came home to a house with all the locks changed I rang the doorbell and she answered the door with the chain and told me I wasn't welcome anymore. It wasn't my home anymore, everything had changed.
What had changed? - she had rearranged the furniture and painted the walls a different color.
She said our love and our future plans were deluded and unrealistic. And of course, the path she has chosen, the safe, risk-free path, is undeluded and realistic. She said I'm afraid of taking risks. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. It was something she used to push me away. She accused me of failing to mature and grow with society as a part of society. Suddenly this great impulse on her part to be a part of society. With all rights and privileges pertaining thereto.
She erects hazy images around herself, steadfastly calling them her "new reality". What a stupid idea. Her "new reality" just means cutting me out of her life. How much of our relationship was a lie? I may never know now. All of it was deluded.
She has exchanged one delusion for another. So she to her deluded life, me to mine. Her without the concern or care to tell me about this revelation of deluded lives. She stood firmly on her ultimatum, with no need to explain herself, no need to justify, no need to acknowledge the past three years of our lives. The past three years of my life, it couldn't have been at all hers.
Who was this person these past three years? This person who I wanted to build my life around. This person who was the ground, the meaning and breath of life, who made me want more than I ever wanted before out of life. In a moment, all of it disappeared and none of it really existed. It was just good-bye, go.
The last year was hard. I guess there was a warning sign over Fall Break when she said she wasn't happy with our relationship. I never reached a breakthrough after that. Nothing really ever got better. Through this entire year that we went out, she continued to distance herself. It wasn't a good year, it wasn't a good relationship. But she was the love of my life. I always had hope that circumstances would present themselves for us to work things out. She never gave it a chance.
I am emptied. It leaves me with little left. The shell of my body is emptied.
God gives and gives and gives. God is forever giving, always and everywhere. And always and everywhere, people turn their backs on god. Death, disease, violence, crime, and people turn their backs on god without any regard for what god had given them all along until that point, rejecting any further teaching god is giving through their experience. What am I to learn through all this?
She lost faith. She's the one who lost faith. Faith in who knows what. I don't, she never told me enough during our relationship or about our break-up for me to assess where her faith lied.
Her faith lied. Whatever she had faith in, she lost it.
Was there magic in that relationship?
Was there spirituality in that love?
Was there a deeper meaning in what we were?
Was there a dream there?
A symbolic hope?
What just happened?
It's official, we've broken up. The end had to be reached, and we reached it. The love of my life is no more and the shock is impossible to face.
I came home to a house with all the locks changed I rang the doorbell and she answered the door with the chain and told me I wasn't welcome anymore. It wasn't my home anymore, everything had changed.
What had changed? - she had rearranged the furniture and painted the walls a different color.
She said our love and our future plans were deluded and unrealistic. And of course, the path she has chosen, the safe, risk-free path, is undeluded and realistic. She said I'm afraid of taking risks. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. It was something she used to push me away. She accused me of failing to mature and grow with society as a part of society. Suddenly this great impulse on her part to be a part of society. With all rights and privileges pertaining thereto.
She erects hazy images around herself, steadfastly calling them her "new reality". What a stupid idea. Her "new reality" just means cutting me out of her life. How much of our relationship was a lie? I may never know now. All of it was deluded.
She has exchanged one delusion for another. So she to her deluded life, me to mine. Her without the concern or care to tell me about this revelation of deluded lives. She stood firmly on her ultimatum, with no need to explain herself, no need to justify, no need to acknowledge the past three years of our lives. The past three years of my life, it couldn't have been at all hers.
Who was this person these past three years? This person who I wanted to build my life around. This person who was the ground, the meaning and breath of life, who made me want more than I ever wanted before out of life. In a moment, all of it disappeared and none of it really existed. It was just good-bye, go.
The last year was hard. I guess there was a warning sign over Fall Break when she said she wasn't happy with our relationship. I never reached a breakthrough after that. Nothing really ever got better. Through this entire year that we went out, she continued to distance herself. It wasn't a good year, it wasn't a good relationship. But she was the love of my life. I always had hope that circumstances would present themselves for us to work things out. She never gave it a chance.
I am emptied. It leaves me with little left. The shell of my body is emptied.
God gives and gives and gives. God is forever giving, always and everywhere. And always and everywhere, people turn their backs on god. Death, disease, violence, crime, and people turn their backs on god without any regard for what god had given them all along until that point, rejecting any further teaching god is giving through their experience. What am I to learn through all this?
Sunday, April 19, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
I came to a spiritual impasse yesterday. Things were getting rough. I was depressed and distressed, staring at the ceiling wondering what I’m doing here. Why was my life the way it was? Who are these people in my life? It culminated in a decision to take a break from the spiritual path for a while. Cease my ponderings and investigations. They were becoming oppressive and frustrating and only confused me more. They brought more questions than answers and overwhelmed me. Recognizing a burden is not supposed to promote dysfunction. That’s not the purpose of it, so just let it go, good-bye. Just live for a while. I relaxed, breathed, felt better and was bombarded by a load of insights within the hour. I was trying too hard.
Vikki. I was talking on the phone with Vikki yesterday. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Or rather, why do I treat her problems the way I do? I have trouble showing her that I treat her problems seriously. I poke fun at her problems and stoke her insecurities. No one else do I treat that way. Why Vikki? Part of it is that she is so attached to her misery and perpetuates herself, unintentionally I’m sure, as the pitiful, pathetic victim. It’s hard to take such melodrama too seriously. And then she laughs along with my poking fun at her problems which perpetuates the dynamic. You try to have fun with friends, but with Vikki it’s all about her problems. And usually the problems involve men, and that makes it even more difficult to treat seriously. Especially since she’s drop-dead gorgeous.
But it’s more than me not taking the subject matter of her problems seriously. I realize problems are subjective things. There is no gauge but our own feelings to determine the depth of our problems. There is no way to diminish problems by comparing them to problems that are “more serious”. What’s important is how Vikki feels about them and the impact they have on her. So why do I do it?
We were on the phone talking about her problems and I could sense the gravity with which she felt them, but I couldn’t treat them seriously the way I would have treated other peoples’ problems. For some reason, there was always a humorous aspect creeping in. It was in the way she attached to her problems, they took on a “divinely comic” quality. It was as if god was trying to lead her to a solution. God had given her a perfect set up to learn something and all she could do is attach to the problem, and the solution being so clear, it was funny the way she would just attach to the problem.
Vikki. I was talking on the phone with Vikki yesterday. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Or rather, why do I treat her problems the way I do? I have trouble showing her that I treat her problems seriously. I poke fun at her problems and stoke her insecurities. No one else do I treat that way. Why Vikki? Part of it is that she is so attached to her misery and perpetuates herself, unintentionally I’m sure, as the pitiful, pathetic victim. It’s hard to take such melodrama too seriously. And then she laughs along with my poking fun at her problems which perpetuates the dynamic. You try to have fun with friends, but with Vikki it’s all about her problems. And usually the problems involve men, and that makes it even more difficult to treat seriously. Especially since she’s drop-dead gorgeous.
But it’s more than me not taking the subject matter of her problems seriously. I realize problems are subjective things. There is no gauge but our own feelings to determine the depth of our problems. There is no way to diminish problems by comparing them to problems that are “more serious”. What’s important is how Vikki feels about them and the impact they have on her. So why do I do it?
We were on the phone talking about her problems and I could sense the gravity with which she felt them, but I couldn’t treat them seriously the way I would have treated other peoples’ problems. For some reason, there was always a humorous aspect creeping in. It was in the way she attached to her problems, they took on a “divinely comic” quality. It was as if god was trying to lead her to a solution. God had given her a perfect set up to learn something and all she could do is attach to the problem, and the solution being so clear, it was funny the way she would just attach to the problem.
Tuesday, March 19, 1991
84 S. Park St, Oberlin
What is the truth I’m searching for? It has nothing to do with faith, belief, or desire. It’s just something known, it’s what I just know is true. Truth is in intuition, it is whatever clicks as truth when it is encountered. The truth isn’t in learnings, sutras, doctrines or discourse, although in those you can find directions and arrows pointing. Knowledge isn’t truth, it’s just a reservoir of information from which to excise truth.
Whatever is not truth is delusion. The physical world is not truth, it’s delusion. Unfortunately, I can’t tell when something isn’t delusion. Not even knowledge of the fact is any help. My realization that something is delusion doesn’t do anything to help me see beyond it. Being aware of delusions is not the key to get rid of them. It only means that delusions exist and are also real.
How can I even think about having a family and raising kids? I keep thinking about how sacred family is, but for most part, family members treat each other like shit, and I look at my family and there’s not much to look at. I would want any family that I’m responsible for to recognize the meaning of that bond and the gift of such a unit. But how do you reproduce and pass on those kindnesses and values concerning family? How can you make sure they’re reciprocated and then ultimately reproduced again? This is pointless; you can’t.
There’s always gonna be a bad egg in any family. There will always be a jerk who, even if kindnesses are extended, will use family as an excuse to take advantage of them. Family is such a gift, peace in the family is such a gift, how do you express that and pass it on? It’s such a gift to pass on joy and to make others smile.
I wonder where I got these values. Why did I reject the ‘rent’s shit-for-values? How did I know they opposed my nature? It definitely was a matter of survival. If I wasn’t true to myself, I don’t think I could have survived. So no matter how hard they pushed and how insidious their methods, I never lost sight of what the stakes were and I kept angry and used my anger as a shield against them. It was a reactionary response.
I’m not sure when the anger started. As far back as I had awareness of it, I hated their values and reacted against them. Where they neglected the value of family, I learned to appreciate it. Where they were inflexible, I learned to appreciate flexibility. Where they were closed-minded, I appreciated open-mindedness. Where they didn’t communicate, I learned to value communication. Where they raised us like it was their obligation, I learned courtesy. In a twisted way I appreciate that the ‘rents are such jerks. It allowed me to develop into the character I am now and I wouldn’t change it for most part.
Whatever is not truth is delusion. The physical world is not truth, it’s delusion. Unfortunately, I can’t tell when something isn’t delusion. Not even knowledge of the fact is any help. My realization that something is delusion doesn’t do anything to help me see beyond it. Being aware of delusions is not the key to get rid of them. It only means that delusions exist and are also real.
How can I even think about having a family and raising kids? I keep thinking about how sacred family is, but for most part, family members treat each other like shit, and I look at my family and there’s not much to look at. I would want any family that I’m responsible for to recognize the meaning of that bond and the gift of such a unit. But how do you reproduce and pass on those kindnesses and values concerning family? How can you make sure they’re reciprocated and then ultimately reproduced again? This is pointless; you can’t.
There’s always gonna be a bad egg in any family. There will always be a jerk who, even if kindnesses are extended, will use family as an excuse to take advantage of them. Family is such a gift, peace in the family is such a gift, how do you express that and pass it on? It’s such a gift to pass on joy and to make others smile.
I wonder where I got these values. Why did I reject the ‘rent’s shit-for-values? How did I know they opposed my nature? It definitely was a matter of survival. If I wasn’t true to myself, I don’t think I could have survived. So no matter how hard they pushed and how insidious their methods, I never lost sight of what the stakes were and I kept angry and used my anger as a shield against them. It was a reactionary response.
I’m not sure when the anger started. As far back as I had awareness of it, I hated their values and reacted against them. Where they neglected the value of family, I learned to appreciate it. Where they were inflexible, I learned to appreciate flexibility. Where they were closed-minded, I appreciated open-mindedness. Where they didn’t communicate, I learned to value communication. Where they raised us like it was their obligation, I learned courtesy. In a twisted way I appreciate that the ‘rents are such jerks. It allowed me to develop into the character I am now and I wouldn’t change it for most part.
Thursday, May 31, 1990
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
I lie in my room. My room lies in a mess. But it’s not my room, it’s not my mess. It’s not my home. I travel lightly to make it easier to go back and forth from Ohio and New Jersey. To travel lightly I throw things away. I purge.
In my room are dregs, skeletons, people, friends, lovers, myself, left by the wayside and flow like water into the sewer on a sunny Summer afternoon on an abandoned suburban block. I’ve really lost it.
I shed skin and it piles high. So much to throw away. I glide my sight along a row of clothes that I used to wear. I wouldn’t wear those clothes anymore. This one I wore when . . . This was taken off by . . . This was touched by . . . This one was Shiho’s. I’m only wearing grey these days.
Posters that once spanned every inch of wall space now lie in a corner. In how many positions has that desk been moved? It’s ironic how a lot of this furniture was headed for the garbage and ended up here. Memories pile high. And all of it will be left behind for someone else to acquire or throw away. This is not my room.
If I could go back. That closet full of clothes would not be there. Some of the nicer shirts, none of those jackets, good lord. All the shit on the floor would get chucked. How did all this shit get here anyway? What do we acquire and accumulate in our lifetime? What “riches” do we amass? What does our greed and instinctive attachments bring us? What do we fill our houses with?
Houses. Warehouses for our memories. Evidence of where we roam, where we’ve been, proof of how worldly we are; we fill our houses thinking it’s a bastion of some sort of permanency. Eventually you run out of corners, closets, attics, and basements in which to stuff shit. I’d never have a place like that. Shit, all of it shit.
In my room are dregs, skeletons, people, friends, lovers, myself, left by the wayside and flow like water into the sewer on a sunny Summer afternoon on an abandoned suburban block. I’ve really lost it.
I shed skin and it piles high. So much to throw away. I glide my sight along a row of clothes that I used to wear. I wouldn’t wear those clothes anymore. This one I wore when . . . This was taken off by . . . This was touched by . . . This one was Shiho’s. I’m only wearing grey these days.
Posters that once spanned every inch of wall space now lie in a corner. In how many positions has that desk been moved? It’s ironic how a lot of this furniture was headed for the garbage and ended up here. Memories pile high. And all of it will be left behind for someone else to acquire or throw away. This is not my room.
If I could go back. That closet full of clothes would not be there. Some of the nicer shirts, none of those jackets, good lord. All the shit on the floor would get chucked. How did all this shit get here anyway? What do we acquire and accumulate in our lifetime? What “riches” do we amass? What does our greed and instinctive attachments bring us? What do we fill our houses with?
Houses. Warehouses for our memories. Evidence of where we roam, where we’ve been, proof of how worldly we are; we fill our houses thinking it’s a bastion of some sort of permanency. Eventually you run out of corners, closets, attics, and basements in which to stuff shit. I’d never have a place like that. Shit, all of it shit.
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