Providence, RI

For some reason I’ve always thought that people only lost me. I’ve always thought that I don’t lose people and that I never got so attached to people that I could “lose” them. I’ve always thought that I’ve been invulnerable to that and that I could just let them go. I’ve always been grateful for that insensitivity. But that’s exactly what it’s turning out to be - an insensitivity, a numbness, a deadness.

I have lost a lot of people, people that I didn’t want to lose, people that I chased away. I keep building a life around people who get close to me. I make it feel so permanent and plan the future and then I go and topple and destroy it.

Sakuko and I are breaking up. It was really weird, too. We just sat down and decided to separate. I don’t want to but I don’t want to turn back now. I have a pain, a growing loneliness inside me. A severe self-destructive hate. I’ve betrayed all that I’m supposed to be true to. I’ve breached my own truths and living a great delusion. I’m slipping again, maybe I didn’t get so much better last Summer. Or it was just another illusion.

Providence, RI

I grew up alone, even though parents are both alive and together and never even encountered a marriage threatening situation. I have two older brothers, neither of whom were particularly rebellious and I shared a room with one of them most of my life. Growing up alone made me crave attention or at least the company of others. But with the likes of them, I turned out really choosy of the people I let get close to me.

So I’ve always had the dilemma of wanting people around and at the same time I’ve been fiercely protective of my personal space. I feel crowded when someone gets close and then I go running back to being alone. And while I’m alone, I always imagine someone else there and I want to be sharing things with someone else.

But I hate people getting too close without getting to know me. And I don’t think Sakuko knows me, even after all this time.