247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

I told Cat everything about Amina that has been eating at me. I don't know if that was a good idea. I haven't talked about Amina to anyone who knew about us. Cat didn't know about us and that we were in a relationship, but she knew both of us as people at Oberlin. She had heard our names and seen our faces. It was painful talking about Amina and telling the truth about it.

Do unresolved issues always come back to demand resolution? There was a lot unresolved with Amina, but I'm not sure she feels that way. The way she cut everything off so swiftly and completely makes me think that there was no issue unresolved for her. It was done, get rid of it.

So what would I do if someday I get a call out of the blue from Amina? What would I do if I got a call from her now? I would tell her that I hated her. I would tell her that I lost all respect for her and that what she did was heartless and cowardly. And if she stayed on the line that long, I would also tell her that I would always be her friend and would always be open to her in a time of need.

But if we tried to continue a friendship, my hatred and resentment would be the foundation for it. I couldn't ever be indifferent to her, and I don't think I could ever love her again, so the feeling that would make a friendship possible must be hate.

Vikki got into town yesterday. Lisa, Nobuko, and I were cleaning the new house and she waltzed in. Things were weird and we didn't communicate or make eye contact, but I don't think anything is wrong between us. Vikki is just incredibly neurotic. Then I recently realized that I also get neurotic about Vikki. But when I'm finally around her, I find that it's all unfounded.

If anyone, it's Lisa who is going to be the problem in the household. It seems that she's getting a lot more selfish and obnoxious. I don't know what her problem is, but she's just thinking about herself and going against the rest of us. I think the lines of house politics have already been drawn. This can't be a good thing. When I don't like someone, I have a tendency to act like they don't exist. But I think Nobuko will always take Lisa's side if she feels I'm being cruel or unfair, so that's good.

247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

Less than two weeks left of this agonizingly boring Environmental Crimes class. The professor must be either the second or third worst professor I've ever had.

Nobuko came back from Hawaii and it was pleasant to see her again. It wasn't as cool as I thought it would be for Cat, Nobuko, and I to get together. They currently live around the corner from each other. Cat is cool, she really intrigues me.

Amina shattered my trust in friendships, relationships, and people. I won't go out with anyone unless I've been friends with her for some given amount of time, and for the duration of that time, I must remain in love with her. But I was friends with Amina for two years before we went out, and I was madly in love with her the whole time, and she loved me back, so she claimed. It ultimately made no difference in terms of forming trust or a lasting bond. All it did was make me a lot more vulnerable. I like Cat and it feels similar to how I felt towards Amina as a friend. The difference being that I loved Amina.

Joy was the complete opposite. We didn't even know each other very long before we plunged into a relationship, much less have time to become friends. I couldn't have reasonably believed in the time we were getting acquainted that we would have a lasting friendship. If I had looked forward a year to try to see what sort of friendship would exist, I think I would have been hard pressed to see anything. But I fixated upon getting into a relationship that I ignored a lot. She was a rebound.

247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

What if I weren't moving to Berkeley at the end of the month? What does this move mean to me? It means moving away from the ocean; being safe from the ocean. It means responsibility and being a part of a group, ending my isolation, getting back in touch with a social group.

I'm as ready to die as I'll ever be. Why am I moving to Berkeley? Why am I doing this to myself? I have nothing to stop me now except this move to Berkeley. Otherwise it would be so easy to start packing the apartment right now, planning a trip back East to return the car (optional), doing the mental preparation; visualizing stepping into the surf, what I'd be wearing, the time of night, the possible fog or clear skies, how much I need to have drunk. Why not just do it today? This is so frustrating. Meant to be.

My life is unbearably pointless. I feel empty and meaningless. I dread waking up and hate actually doing it. I don't feel close to anything or anyone, I have no connection, no relation to anything or anyone. I stand in my room, I acknowledge my existence and find it wholly pointless and void.

247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

Nobuko has been gone for a week and a half. We'd been spending a lot of time together. We communicate well, and that has been a comfort even though we don't always get along and less often agree. Nevertheless, if I say something to her, I can be fairly confident that she understands what I said the way I meant it. And her arguments against what I say are always logical and well-founded. After spending so much time together, I miss her presence when she's gone. She'll be back in a few days.

Cat and I have spent some concentrated time together in the past few days. A completely different energy exists between Cat and me. It's very charged, bordering on unfriendly, but sometimes very open and intimate. Sometimes open and unfriendly. But she's real to me and we connect. Again, she understands what I say the way I meant it.

I genuinely like Cat, and I can't say that about other acquaintances in my life. There's an affection there that doesn't exist with, say, Nobuko. But it is still tentative with Cat. She is still disposable. If we don't become closer friends, or maintain our current dynamic, or begin to trust each other, then the liking will probably disappear. The friendship has as much potential to fade as it does to grow.

247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

Spring semester ended peacefully enough. In retrospect, at least. It's hard to look back at exam period objectively. Catharsis - it lends well to a rose-tinted recollection.

I went through two all-nighters before morning exams. At 4:36 a.m. before my Property exam, if I had a gun in the apartment I would have shot myself. But I finished all my exams and used all of the available time. I ended up really liking three of my professors and respecting the fourth. I think I did alright this semester and I'm in Summer session now without having received any indication that I've failed out. No "Dear John" from the Dean.

Summer session. Revealing to me once again how I'm swimming upstream. I can force myself to read the material with a fervor, I can generally follow court decisions and rationales, I even find myself forming strong opinions from case to case; but this is not stuff I would independently think about. This is not stuff I want to put any effort into.

Everything ended in May. My last exam was on May 18. SHAG then had its performances which ended on May 21. May 21 was also the Bay to Breakers, which is always an event. The best ad for it was: "Spain has the Running of the Bulls. We have the Running of the Giant Boxes of Macaroni & Cheese". I came in 744th place, which isn't bad in a field of 75,000. Joy and I broke up on May 22. I finished my demo on May 24 and had a master copy on the next day, May 25. Law school, music, running, and a relationship all winding down to an end.


SHAG 1995

Things have also started. Summer session, some new song material. I've gotten back in touch with Madoka, and I'll be moving to Berkeley at the end of the month. Nobuko and Lisa were looking for housing, and they ended up only finding a house for four people. So they asked me and since then, we've gotten Vikki into this. I felt honored at having been asked into what they were hoping would be a women's space.

Berkeley. I'm moving away from the ocean. The ocean and its solace, peaceful in its vastness; its expanse and the mystery of what it hides; forbidding and its constant invitation. I take a gun and put it in a ziplock bag and hang it around my neck. One night I swim out into the ocean on a boogie board as far as I can go. When I get tired and I'm so far out that I can't even think of trying to swim back, I remove the gun and shoot myself in the mouth. The gunshot muffled and dull, no echoes, silence comes quick.

I'm pretty happy about the tape I made. I got a lot out regarding Amina. It's cathartic, it's an expression of my feelings towards her. I feel much better now it's done and can move on without hating her. I'm moving out of hatred and into the true opposite of love - indifference.