1557 Noe St., San Francisco

The past week has been a roller-coaster, both emotionally and at work, since hearing the news about Ritu. It seems so long ago that we dealt with the impact of the news. So many emotions, so many phases of dealing with it. Then our team was displaced at work, making a big temporary move up to the 18th floor. Josefa and I were physically removed from the daily reminder of the context of Ritu at work.

Now we're dealing with our problems as a legal team. Theresa is stressed and exasperated. Josefa and I are buried in our workloads. We talk about Ritu, but we don't discuss her anymore. We hang out a lot. There is some attraction, but no chemistry. We might just float in it for a while and then it will fade.

Fiction hired a new guitarist and we have a gig booked for October 20. Things are picking up and we're taking things on with a new attitude. This is how it should have always been. Just go for it. You get no where if you're bogged down trying to be 100% prepared for a gig and having found The Perfect Part for a song. You don't grow without challenges to stumble over, so it's perfect that we only have three and a half weeks before our first gig in this line-up.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Aquarius: Look at all that's right about your life. Stop feeling jealous of what other people have and what they've accomplished. You are making yourself crazy making such comparisons. There will always be people who have accomplished more than you, and those who've done less than you as well. You must count your blessings. You have much to be grateful for. With your friends, practice being happy for them, not jealous. Compliment, praise and rejoice in their achievements. Send thank you cards. Your heart will become involved with practice.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Hi friends,

Please take a moment and give a thought to my former boss and friend, Ritu, who died this past week of kidney failure. As tortured a soul she was, she deserves all positive thoughts, even though she's in a better place and wouldn't trade places with me or any of us to be back here. In fact, she's probably personally gloating at me from wherever she is.

It's my belief that this is what she wanted. She went through a crisis during the month of August which culminated in her taking a leave of absence from work, returning to her family in New York, and entering rehab for two weeks to kick alcohol.

I believe that she had reached a point that she realized what she had to do to get her life back on track and to progress, but felt deep inside that she didn't have the tools to accomplish it. So she hit 'restart', hit the abort switch, and with luck and whatever good karma she developed in this life, that realization will be a seed within her in her next life, without the experience baggage that disenabled her in this life.

I've been dealing with this with my co-workers who were also close to her and we're moving on. We all have our separate memories to preserve, we're going through this in our own separate ways and supporting each other, and we're going to stop talking about it real soon, I shouldn't wonder. We'll just drink to her as often as we drink together and let it be . –koji

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Back in the Bay Area, welcome to September. My back is pretty much up to 100%. I’m trying to be careful with it. I started riding to work on Friday and so far, so good. I'm striving to get some normalcy at work. Theresa is in a flurry trying to get up to speed. Josefa and I are hanging out more, and it's hard not to be attracted to her. We've been training a temp that we're hoping to hire, Joyce, and she seems cool, too. I hope she takes the job. Auditions continue for a new guitarist for Fiction.

So everything is just fine, right? Peachy keen, faboo, right? And then boom, Josephine e-mailed me yesterday. She was just checking to see if my address was still active. I haven't responded yet. Why now? What does she want?

Why can’t Josephine just stay away? It has been almost exactly one year since our last communication. It was right after the earthquake in Taiwan, and letting me know that she was alright was the last thing on her mind. Another earthquake just hit Taiwan, almost one year later. This one wasn't as big, so it wasn't as big news. Was she e-mailing me to let me know that she's alright? Doubtful.

Why doesn't she just stay away? I wouldn't go out with her again, our relationship was too hard and there are too many bad memories. I'm still madly attracted to her which would make it hard for me to keep my hands off of her. And if she wants me back, she wouldn't resist. I just don't have time for her in my life.

Josephine. Josefa? It’s totally stupid. Josephine and Josefa are miles apart. They are nothing alike and what attracts me to Josefa is completely different from what attracted me to Josephine. Josephine was a lot of fun and I truly loved her. Josefa, I just want to fuck her brains out.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

In the end, when the 'rents are shoving cash into my face, it's hard to resist and refuse. But at least I made my principled stance that I don't need their money. The interesting thing is that Tom gave me money, too, and I consider that a gift. That's because Tom totally doesn't have to in order to maintain our relationship. He's showing love by giving me money because that's what he has learned, but giving me money or not has no bearing on our relationship. Nothing happens as a result of him giving me or not giving me money. I accept that expression of love from him.

But if the 'rents don't give me money, I don't visit them. I would put down my own money to visit Tom, but not the 'rents. The 'rents made it hard because they used, abused, manipulated, and controlled with money, and tried to call it love. I still don't accept their money as love, except on paper. The reality is that they've always wanted something back for all the money they've invested in me. Not entirely unreasonable if you think about it, but I'm not a business. I'm not an asset.

Series IX, Roll 1 (Fujica ST605n, Tri-X):

West Indian Carnaval, New York: In September 2005, I found an old roll of film in my Fujica. The Fujica's light meter wasn't working anymore, so I transferred the film out and put it into the Pentax K2 and finished shooting the roll, anxious to get it done so I could develop it and see when the roll of film was from.

It turns out that it was from this day, when I went into New York with an old high school friend, Liz, who I have since lost touch with, and we went to the West Indian Carnaval in Brooklyn. I was able to pinpoint the exact date because I often keep notes of what I do on any particular day in my appointment book, usually for photography reasons, but sometimes just to make a note about a day to try to remember it in the future. I think these notes were taken for photography reasons.

This roll of black and white spans the longest amount of time of any roll of B&W film I have, from September 2000 to September 2005!


Frame 1 - This shot isn't West Indian Carnaval. It looks like mid-town Manhattan, but I don't remember it or what we were doing there. Come to think of it, there's no evidence that this was the same day as the Carnaval excursion. It may be from a different trip into the city on a different day.


Frame 9 - I wanted to go to West Indian Carnaval to maybe catch some real steel drumming - orchestras 50 to 100 people strong. Unfortunately, there were only a few smaller groups present. The main steel drum event, Panorama, occurs on the Saturday night of Carnaval weekend. I didn't make it to a Panorama until September 2004. It was incredible.


Frame 10


Frame 15

Englewood Cliffs, N.J.

We visited Bob in Philadelphia this evening. Waste of time. I had a bit of a breakthrough, though. I'm not accepting money from the 'rents anymore. They were getting on my nerves about what I should have done when I hurt my back. I just wanted them to shut up and made the point that they don't have to pay for it. They're not the ones paying for it, so shut up. The bitch responded, "No, we're not going to pay for it".

They give money as an expression of love, they admit it, they've said as much. So an issue about money is an issue about love. It's all or nothing, and if they're going to make an issue about it, fuck it, I don't want their love/money. I never wanted or needed their love in the true sense of the word, but if they decide to withhold what is their expression of it, fuck it. If they ran out of money, that means they run out of love. Conversely, if I don’t need their money, I don’t need their love.

I made the evening tense after that. Driving home they tried to make amends, inquiring about the price of my plane ticket. When they told me they would pay for the ticket, I told them no, don't bother, I could afford it. Right at that point, police lights start flashing behind us. They got a ticket for making an illegal left turn. Years ago I would have snidely told them that they need the money more than I do. And they do need the money more than I do. They make ten times more than I do and they need the money more than I do.

Englewood Cliffs, N.J.

My back was well enough today for me to go out. I pointlessly went out, and for some reason I decided to check out some mall action at Garden State Plaza. I walked in and walked around a bit but then I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Consumerism. Year round Christmas consumerism. I was amazed by the meaninglessness of it all. Everyone seemed so empty and shallow. Probably by virtue of being in a mall. Has it always been like this? I grew up on this. It must have been different fifteen years ago. It must have.