Today was the last day of classes for this Fall 1994 semester. How am I doing? Angry and frustrated as ever. More angry. A low-key, subtle, seething anger. That's what I felt as I walked away from school to catch the first 1AX bus of the commute hours.
I called to check in for a catering job I have on Saturday, I paid my rent, finished off one bottle of whisky and bought another, received a utility bill twice what I usually pay because I've been using the heater a lot. I bought a plane ticket to go to New Jersey at the end of December.
For the first time in a while I felt genuinely close to Joy. Like there was something connecting, something worth placing worth in. Not that it's a worthless relationship, per se, it's just that it's a very low-key relationship with not a lot of risk, not a lot of challenge, not a lot of change.
It wasn't overwhelming. She told me of a problem she's having, how she's not satisfied with her life, that it's out of control in a downward spiral. I don't know why, but it was a relief to hear that she was in that position. To hear that she isn't so impenetrable and sequestered in her superiority. To hear her vulnerable and that she isn't complacent about her life. She is striving for something and so maybe her happiness in our relationship isn't some complacent abandon and satisfaction in what I consider the severely mediocre.
On the other hand, she went through the peak of the crisis yesterday. She didn't mention it at all when we spoke yesterday. She said that she wasn't ready to deal with it then, she was still in shock of it and couldn't talk about it then. OK. She brought it up today and told me about it, but only after she talked to her parents about it.
There is a lack of passion in this relationship. It's very cold and calculated. It is complacent. It doesn't bother me. I'm kind of numb to it. It probably doesn't bother her that she couldn't come to me about the problem. That says a lot about the relationship.
I realize I can’t get sucked into her problems because my position in my life is still so fragile. I don’t know if I could have effectively dealt with her problems even if she had brought them to me. So it’s best that I keep a distance. If that’s a problem for her, then it’s her problem, not mine. Eventually this relationship won’t be able to go on if this philosophy is maintained. She will need more from someone than I can give, and she will realize how unsatisfying it is being with someone so different and who makes such completely different assumptions about life and living. So will I.
Wednesday, November 30, 1994
Monday, November 07, 1994
247 19th Ave, #2, San Francisco
Perhaps what is most upsetting is that I'm not sure how I got here and from where. I know I've matured to a point where I can be less selfish in relationships and not just concentrate on my own needs based on my own pain. I can deal with other people. I can compromise without giving up too much of myself. My fear now is that I'll slip into my old patterns and miss seeing a bigger picture. Why did I get involved with Joy in the first place? Sometimes it's really hard to see it.
Several months ago it was clear that I wanted to win her love and I compromised and bent to win it. Compromised and bent? Isn't that a way of saying I lied to her? That I didn't let her see a genuine article? I knew it was happening then. Now I ask myself how could I have done such an awful, insincere thing (but isn't that what "dating" is about?). Either I'm a jerk or I'd better keep it in perspective and deal with it maturely. It's rectifiable.
Things have changed. It's easy not to see the things I saw several months ago. We've moved to a different level. I see an ordinary Joy, comfortable at home, not the Joy that had to be self-conscious in front of me. Our relationship has moved from the special to the ordinary, the daily, the taken for granted. A relationship has to survive this transition.
She's not musical at all. She has no religious or metaphysical bent. She has an understanding of the spiritual, but not a deep connection with it. What do we have in common? We don't enjoy the same things, we have very little to share. We will break up within a year, and it will be mutual. We will both realize that we aren't able to give to each other what we need.
It will fade. The love isn't so intense or passionate that it will cascade around us and feed itself ad infinitum. The love grew steadily to a certain level and stayed there and held there, and when it is time to end, it will fade and descend. We'll hug or something and go our separate ways. She's not the type to hold on to other people. I won't.
That's the future, though, and there is the present to contend with. Presently, we go our day by day. There must be a reason I'm going out with her, there must be something to discover, there always is. Unfortunately, it's something for me to discover by myself, Joy has nothing to do with it, not actively at least. She's not part of the discovery or aiding me in it, she's just a vehicle for me to find it. She doesn't see where my eyes look. She has no idea about the way I see the world, what colors I see, what details I notice. I can't lose sight of my path.
So really, what good do I have to say about Joy? What good is she in my life? I don't know. It doesn't seem like there's much, but I'm not adverse to this relationship. I do love her, I'm not unhappy, but...there's always a "but". There is a door that needs to be opened, and if it is not, this relationship will end.
This thing can't last too long. We could never live together; our lives and lifestyles are just way too different. I couldn't live with someone who was completely unmusical. Good god, what am I doing with someone who doesn't have music in her life?! How can that be? She has no idea who or what I am if music doesn't touch her. Ouch!
Then there are my hours and my drinking. It's been hard not cutting. I avoided showering with her for two weeks because of cuts on my foot. I had a band-aid on them for a few days, but if she saw the marks now, she'd know and she'd know that I lied when I told her I dropped something on it. We could never live together, so the way we are is pretty much the way it would have to remain. Stagnation.
I wonder about who I love. I miss many. I miss Luyen. I miss Hiromi. I miss what Amina used to be. I miss Diem and Madoka. Not that any of them are now what I miss of them. I don't know if I love any of them. I do still love Shiho, but that's a given in its limited way.
I'm 25 years old. I wish I had died at least three years ago. What am I doing still alive? How many more years do I have to go and struggle being myself? Am I prepared to die at any time now? I don't know. I hope so. If I came across an opportunity to die, I hope I would take it. But it wouldn't be automatic, it wouldn't be impulse. I would think about it for a second. And maybe that is what would stop me. That consideration in the moment of the true nature of this and now. It's a long moment, long enough to be cursed by the impulse of self-preservation. To choose safety. That is probably what I would do. Nothing in my life suggests that I would do otherwise.
Several months ago it was clear that I wanted to win her love and I compromised and bent to win it. Compromised and bent? Isn't that a way of saying I lied to her? That I didn't let her see a genuine article? I knew it was happening then. Now I ask myself how could I have done such an awful, insincere thing (but isn't that what "dating" is about?). Either I'm a jerk or I'd better keep it in perspective and deal with it maturely. It's rectifiable.
Things have changed. It's easy not to see the things I saw several months ago. We've moved to a different level. I see an ordinary Joy, comfortable at home, not the Joy that had to be self-conscious in front of me. Our relationship has moved from the special to the ordinary, the daily, the taken for granted. A relationship has to survive this transition.
She's not musical at all. She has no religious or metaphysical bent. She has an understanding of the spiritual, but not a deep connection with it. What do we have in common? We don't enjoy the same things, we have very little to share. We will break up within a year, and it will be mutual. We will both realize that we aren't able to give to each other what we need.
It will fade. The love isn't so intense or passionate that it will cascade around us and feed itself ad infinitum. The love grew steadily to a certain level and stayed there and held there, and when it is time to end, it will fade and descend. We'll hug or something and go our separate ways. She's not the type to hold on to other people. I won't.
That's the future, though, and there is the present to contend with. Presently, we go our day by day. There must be a reason I'm going out with her, there must be something to discover, there always is. Unfortunately, it's something for me to discover by myself, Joy has nothing to do with it, not actively at least. She's not part of the discovery or aiding me in it, she's just a vehicle for me to find it. She doesn't see where my eyes look. She has no idea about the way I see the world, what colors I see, what details I notice. I can't lose sight of my path.
So really, what good do I have to say about Joy? What good is she in my life? I don't know. It doesn't seem like there's much, but I'm not adverse to this relationship. I do love her, I'm not unhappy, but...there's always a "but". There is a door that needs to be opened, and if it is not, this relationship will end.
This thing can't last too long. We could never live together; our lives and lifestyles are just way too different. I couldn't live with someone who was completely unmusical. Good god, what am I doing with someone who doesn't have music in her life?! How can that be? She has no idea who or what I am if music doesn't touch her. Ouch!
Then there are my hours and my drinking. It's been hard not cutting. I avoided showering with her for two weeks because of cuts on my foot. I had a band-aid on them for a few days, but if she saw the marks now, she'd know and she'd know that I lied when I told her I dropped something on it. We could never live together, so the way we are is pretty much the way it would have to remain. Stagnation.
I wonder about who I love. I miss many. I miss Luyen. I miss Hiromi. I miss what Amina used to be. I miss Diem and Madoka. Not that any of them are now what I miss of them. I don't know if I love any of them. I do still love Shiho, but that's a given in its limited way.
I'm 25 years old. I wish I had died at least three years ago. What am I doing still alive? How many more years do I have to go and struggle being myself? Am I prepared to die at any time now? I don't know. I hope so. If I came across an opportunity to die, I hope I would take it. But it wouldn't be automatic, it wouldn't be impulse. I would think about it for a second. And maybe that is what would stop me. That consideration in the moment of the true nature of this and now. It's a long moment, long enough to be cursed by the impulse of self-preservation. To choose safety. That is probably what I would do. Nothing in my life suggests that I would do otherwise.
Thursday, November 03, 1994
247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco
October flew by. Joy helped the time by. How different it all is from last year. How muddy last year was; through fish-eyed lens, under bell jar, in a fish bowl. I left Japan two years ago in October. Recollections are still so vivid, and whenever a specific memory comes to my mind, it comes back to haunt. The trains, the river, the people, the air, the land. I want to be there, I belong there, I just feel it in my bones.
Joy has been so much, more than a comfort, more than a friend. Slowly, very slowly, she's making her way into my life. But nothing endearing, nothing that has truly pierced my heart. Everything is so cerebral, the passionate is completely outweighed, almost absent. I love her and wouldn't leave her, but if we did separate, it would be mutual, a decision. She wouldn't even get the benefit of the passion of a pain. No yelling, no drama, no scene, no wrestling over emotions and feelings. We would have thought it through. She wouldn't have felt it through. We wouldn't be friends afterwards either.
The benefit of the passion of a pain. The benefit of the passion of a pain, I say, as I hunger for revenge against or restitution from Amina. For once, I've gotten the "benefit" of the "passion" of the pain.
I love Joy in my life at this point. My life is so much better than it was a year ago. I'm clearer now, I can handle my work, I can deal with myself. Why am I not happy? Why can't I get on the topic of Joy and stay on it? Why am I not at least somewhat satisfied? Where has the passion in my life gone? I've lost something and Joy isn't making up for it. She's not offering anything new.
Was I more passionate with and about my friends at Oberlin? Or am I doing my usual psychological step of making the past look so much better just because it's safe in the past? Did I really love Diem and Luyen and Madoka so much? And love Amina so much that I can hate her so much now? I'm probably comparing Joy unfairly to something against which she can't possibly compete; memories and a denial.
Things weren't so hot with Hiromi. If they were, we would have stayed together and Luyen wouldn't have tugged at me. Things weren't so hot with Luyen. If they were . . . they weren't. And if we were together now . . . they definitely wouldn't be. Things weren't so hot with Diem. If they were, why didn't we get any closer? Things weren't so hot with Amina. But I loved her anyway. Why can't I get on the topic of Joy and stay on it?
Are things so hot with Joy?
My only problems are the problems I have with myself, my inability to deal with being inside my skin, of still having the 'rents pulling my strings, of still not being able to find a musical community. My issues are about me, not her, they only affect my relationship with her. I have to learn to be happy with what I've got. And I still can't get on the topic of Joy and stay on it.
Joy and I got together downtown for a short bit last night. She was going to a comedy show and meeting up with someone, so I held off coming home so I could meet up with her. It was wonderful seeing her face and seeing her for the first time noticeably healthier than she had been in the past four weeks. Both of us have been pretty sick. She gave me her flu at my insistence. I can't say I minded how I got it.
Joy has been so much, more than a comfort, more than a friend. Slowly, very slowly, she's making her way into my life. But nothing endearing, nothing that has truly pierced my heart. Everything is so cerebral, the passionate is completely outweighed, almost absent. I love her and wouldn't leave her, but if we did separate, it would be mutual, a decision. She wouldn't even get the benefit of the passion of a pain. No yelling, no drama, no scene, no wrestling over emotions and feelings. We would have thought it through. She wouldn't have felt it through. We wouldn't be friends afterwards either.
The benefit of the passion of a pain. The benefit of the passion of a pain, I say, as I hunger for revenge against or restitution from Amina. For once, I've gotten the "benefit" of the "passion" of the pain.
I love Joy in my life at this point. My life is so much better than it was a year ago. I'm clearer now, I can handle my work, I can deal with myself. Why am I not happy? Why can't I get on the topic of Joy and stay on it? Why am I not at least somewhat satisfied? Where has the passion in my life gone? I've lost something and Joy isn't making up for it. She's not offering anything new.
Was I more passionate with and about my friends at Oberlin? Or am I doing my usual psychological step of making the past look so much better just because it's safe in the past? Did I really love Diem and Luyen and Madoka so much? And love Amina so much that I can hate her so much now? I'm probably comparing Joy unfairly to something against which she can't possibly compete; memories and a denial.
Things weren't so hot with Hiromi. If they were, we would have stayed together and Luyen wouldn't have tugged at me. Things weren't so hot with Luyen. If they were . . . they weren't. And if we were together now . . . they definitely wouldn't be. Things weren't so hot with Diem. If they were, why didn't we get any closer? Things weren't so hot with Amina. But I loved her anyway. Why can't I get on the topic of Joy and stay on it?
Are things so hot with Joy?
My only problems are the problems I have with myself, my inability to deal with being inside my skin, of still having the 'rents pulling my strings, of still not being able to find a musical community. My issues are about me, not her, they only affect my relationship with her. I have to learn to be happy with what I've got. And I still can't get on the topic of Joy and stay on it.
Joy and I got together downtown for a short bit last night. She was going to a comedy show and meeting up with someone, so I held off coming home so I could meet up with her. It was wonderful seeing her face and seeing her for the first time noticeably healthier than she had been in the past four weeks. Both of us have been pretty sick. She gave me her flu at my insistence. I can't say I minded how I got it.
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