Bangkok, Thailand

I skipped class today because it was raining, and Josephine and I slept several more hours. She sleeps a lot. We’re not going to be able to do this in San Francisco, so we’d might as well live it up now and waste as much time together as possible. Maybe this is just the honeymoon stage of our relationship and it won’t last. But at least once it is over, we’ll be together and not spend an extended period of time apart. I can’t anticipate much to endanger our relationship.

We went to dinner with Philip and Winnai and then watched the Hong Kong handover proceedings on CNN.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine, Ja, Caroline, Dan, and I took an overnight trip to Samet Island. None of us very talkative. It was still a great trip and the island beautiful. It was about a four hour drive to Rayon, where we caught a ferry to the island. The island is a national park, as opposed to a tourist resort, so even if most of the people visiting the island were tourists, there wasn’t the feel of a tourist trap there.

Yesterday we just hung out on the beach and took a walk and had dinner on the beach and drank beer on the beach. Josephine got drunk on a single beer and so I took care of her. She doesn’t get obnoxious or uninhibited. She just loses a bit of her equilibrium. She’s SO cute. We rented bungalows and, of course, Josephine and I shared one.

Today we took a speedboat around the island, stopping for a bit to see some coral reef, which was only visible if you dove down a meter to get up close and personal to it. On the way back home, we stopped at an Italian restaurant for dinner.


Series VI, Roll 9, Frame 36 (Pentax IQZoom115m, Ilford XP2)

Bangkok, Thailand

Field trip today to the Ministry of Justice. It was very hot and our bus wasn’t air conditioned. I came close to dehydrating. The day went by like a dream. Afterwards, Josephine and I took a nap and then went for dinner at A&W. Then we hung out with Sui in her room.

Bangkok, Thailand

The large group thing has been wearing thin. Smaller groups have been breaking off and going in different directions because the large group was too indecisive and cumbersome. I skipped Contracts class this morning but met up with Josephine at noon and spent the afternoon with Yui, Yai, Kuk, and Josephine. We went shopping for a cell phone for Kuk and a camera bag for me. We also looked for a drum practice pad for me, but I don’t think they have them in Thailand.

Josephine and I have to re-envision our relationship. We didn’t have a problem per se, just some question about how to approach the relationship. What is it to be if it’s going to be a long-term, productive, satisfying, mature relationship? I’m personally optimistic. I’m only going to believe in myself this time.

Bangkok, Thailand

This evening was probably among the most raucous the program group had thus far. We went for dinner on a boat on the Chao Phraya. There were doubts that we’d make it on time because of traffic, which is unreal in Bangkok, and we missed the last boat that crossed the river. But we managed to catch another one, and we got to the boat/restaurant before it departed. Pi-Ped got a picture of me kissing Josephine on the cheek. There’s no question now that everyone knows we’re a couple.

Bangkok, Thailand

Well. Josephine and I have problems. Two problems in the span of four days, that’s a pretty bad record; it’s a bad sign. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to play games or struggle to figure out the person I’m supposed to love. No, I don’t love her to the point that I can’t walk away from this unharmed. She’s just not familiar enough, not ingrained enough for that.

I don’t even know what the problem was. We were fine all day, then she started getting distant in class where she was sitting right behind me. Then immediately after class she left to go to the bathroom, and when she came back she just stayed away from me. Then she stayed away from me for the rest of the evening and didn’t even look at me at dinner.

I thought maybe she just had something on her mind and I decided to leave her alone. Later she said that there was nothing on her mind, which means my perceptions were dead wrong. Regardless of the lack of any fault in the distance, I tend to react to it. I do have problems with abandonment and alienation. When I feel someone distancing, I tend to just withdraw and want to be alone and distrust that person; even more distrust when that person won’t even corroborate a reason for the distance.

Maybe it’s best for her. All I can do is drag her down in the isolation of my world. She belongs out there doing stuff and having fun with the group of people, that’s the point of the program. Not deal with the backlashes of my distorted and scarred psyche. She’s better off without me.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine and I got up late again, but not too late to miss my class. The professor garners way too much respect for me to casually blow his class off. After class, I was planning to maybe try running even though the bruise from my pulled muscle is still quite apparent, and practicing some guitar. Neither happened and it turned out to be a waste of an evening. A bunch of us went to get our laundry done, and then out to dinner plus a little shopping. We killed the evening doing nothing. Then we ended up meeting Brenda to go to a pub and Josephine and I should have bailed then, but we stupidly didn’t and that wasted even more time. It was an annoying evening.

Bangkok, Thailand

The entire program went on an overnight trip yesterday to a wretched, sleazy hellhole called Pattaya. Ostensibly it was a field trip to learn about some of Thailand’s industry in that region, but afterwards we were taken to Pattaya - a popular tourist destination. It was all bad, even between Josephine and me, but we made it through and we’re as close as ever. Ever? What “ever”? Is this silly, and something to distrust? It’s too hard to tell from the center of it all. We were so glad to be home. She got me a necklace since I didn’t bring any of mine from San Francisco.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine and I stayed in bed all day. Sui called at about 7:30 in the evening for dinner and we finally got out of bed. To our credit, we were thinking about getting out of bed soon anyway. A small party of six went to dinner at Pizza Hut. It was a relief from the large groups that we had grown to travel in. It had gotten pretty ridiculous and it took forever to make decisions and execute them. It was just Sui, Rey, Philip, Brenda, Winnai, and Josephine and me.

There is someone in the program who is a real jerk. I recognized that he was a jerk early, and I’ve completely tuned him out, but it turns out that his behavior and comments are beyond inappropriate and some stuff he has done storms across the line of sexual harassment. We discussed over dinner how to approach the problem.

Bangkok, Thailand

Things are going so fast and intense between Josephine and me. Every day is the equivalent of at least one week of what would be the normal evolution of a relationship for me. We’ve gotten to a point that I’d expect only much later in a relationship. I can’t explain my complete lack of reluctance or regret. I can’t find anything I don’t love about her.

Our Current Legal Problems class went on a field trip to the Thai Chamber of Commerce today. This evening we went dancing at a nightclub that is supposed to be one of the best in Bangkok, but it was pretty lame. Maybe because it was Thursday, maybe it’s the music scene here. Josephine and I are hiding our relationship less and are more openly affectionate. We got home at about 3:30 in the morning.

Bangkok, Thailand

Well, it happened, we said it. And you know what? I do. She is the Little Prince. I think it’s alright to fall in love with her. There is nothing forewarning problems or anything to be worried about. I’m not on a rebound and my thoughts and feelings are in general clear. Parents are no more an influence screwing up my life. We aren’t going to be separated for an extended period any time soon. She’s also a sad person and knows what it’s like to just hurt.

Please give me the strength to never hurt her in any way. I know I’m not a jerk, but I know what my mind is capable of. And even without the ‘rents influencing my life, I’m still dealing with the fallout. Josephine has something there. I don’t think she’s as messed up as me, but there’s something there.

Josephine and I overslept and got out of bed about noon. I had Regional Organizations at 2:30. We got back together right away, avoiding the crowd that we usually plod along in, trying to make decisions on what we all should do. We had dinner at A&W after looking at camera bags and getting guitar strings.

Bangkok, Thailand

Well, it’s official, Josephine and I kissed. Do I love her? Getting there - definitely an early stage of love. There’s definitely feeling there. Did I really meet her just two weeks ago? I guess it started with a long talk in her room and an empathy between us that extended into daytime.

The attraction manifested itself into flirting which eventually led to sincerity and expectations. That led to an understanding that we were interested in each other. Interested? Was I interested in her? If she didn’t become interested in me, would I have remained interested in her? Probably not. So is this real love?

Another indication of adulthood - you don’t wait until you love someone to go out with her. You go out first and then see if you love that person. I don’t like it, but I guess that’s the reality. I certainly love Josephine to some extent, endeared, attracted, fond of, care for, many other descriptives. But love? I didn’t tell Josephine that I love her. It might be really easy, though.

I dehydrated really bad today. Worse than in a long time. I felt it coming on and let it. I was dry-heaving, but no big headache or dizziness. It felt like I was moving in slow motion and I had to concentrate on every moment to get to one point to the next.

Bangkok, Thailand

I slept over in Josephine’s room last night! I think today is to be characterized primarily by Josephine. Not in any joyous, pervasive way, but yes, we are slowly getting closer and closer. We’re taking it slowly, well, maybe not so slowly since we met two weeks ago.

I don’t love her yet. I can still do without her. Part of me is even waiting for her to suddenly call it off. I don’t think there is anything about me that anyone can truly love, so I must either be a rebound, or a passing distraction. I just have to keep that in mind.

I don’t know if we’re going out yet. We may be. We haven’t kissed on the lips yet, so probably not, but we have the groundwork for something. I think I can grow to love her. But then in the same way I don’t think anyone can find something in me to truly love, I have doubts about whether I can find something in someone else that would make me truly love her.

There are things about Josephine that make me smile and make me feel close to her. There are things about her that endear her to me, there is something there that invokes a ferocious concern and care for her, but whether there is something there that I will fall in love with, that remains to be seen. If things were to stop right now, though, I think I would miss her laugh the most.

Bangkok, Thailand

We took a field trip to the “floating market”. Philip had been there before years ago and he said that it used to be a lot larger and that it appeared now to be geared to tourists, rather than a natural local economy. The natural local economy probably realized it could make much more money if it geared itself to tourists. We were tourists.

Floating Market: Series VI, Roll 3 (Pentax K2, Tri-X)

Frames 31-32 - coconut vendor




Frame 34 - Josephine's back. Floating Market.


Frame 35 - Thai child.


We had lunch at a famous artist’s house because Khun Thaitow had the connection, as far as I gathered, and then we went to what was clearly a tourist trap that I won’t even describe. We also went to what is considered to be the first Buddhist temple in Thailand. Being there set my thoughts reeling, I don’t know why.

First Buddhist Temple in Thailand: Series VI, Roll 4 (Pentax K2, Ilford XP2)


Frame 1


Frame 2


Frame 3

Buddhist temples put me in a strange place. I usually close off to the people around me, and I observe what people do in observance of their Buddhist faith. I observed the tourist going through the motions and doing what Buddhists do, lighting incense and candles, and kneeling or praying.

That’s fine, even if they only consider it an exotic tourist thing to do, Buddhism is open to all. But I thought hard about what these people were doing there, what their connection or relationship to the place was. What they understood, why they came. What did they know that I don’t.

As the bus left the temple, I felt the distance grow. I want a home, a place where I can stop; where everything just stops. Life is this path we move along, never stopping, but at temples I feel that is where life stops, and as the bus moved away, I felt myself being removed, moving along on my path.

I guess that is what Amina was and is, metaphorically speaking. She represents God and love, and my relationship to her now represents my relationship with God and love. Things distant, far away. I don’t know where they or she are, what they are, or what they are doing, but I know they are out there. Someday we will have that chance meeting on the street.

Life does not stop with Josephine. Not yet. It slows down just a bit, but life’s insistent pace doesn’t allow for any more. She has endeared herself to me. We’re still hanging around each other, we’re getting more physical and comfortable in it, and it’s pretty obvious that we’re interested in each other.


Frame 7 - Josephine

Bangkok, Thailand

Brenda, Philip, Josephine, and I took a taxi to the Weekend Market this morning. The Weekend Market is something like a flea market, but 10 times larger than any I’ve seen. It was very hot and felt quite adventurous having none of the Thais with us. But the trips there and back were flawless with minimal traffic, and neither of the taxi drivers trying to rip us off.

Josephine and I stuck close again and after we got back to the hotel we hung out in her room and then went for a nice walk. Her laugh is like what the Little Prince’s must have sounded like; tinkling of glass, sunny and joyful. I’m beyond attracted to her. Beyond fond of her. Nearing being endeared to her.

Bangkok, Thailand

The Thai women took a group of us to the Royal Palace today for an outing. At first, I went in Yui’s car with Ped and Josephine. Yui and Ped are among the Thais who will be coming to San Francisco in August to start the LL.M. program. I’ve offered to help them find housing if I’m there when they arrive.

I’m having doubts about whether I’ll be visiting Madoka in Japan after Thailand. We’re already planning to travel to the Thai border for two weeks after the program finishes to visit a Burmese refugee camp. There are a bunch of inconveniences involved in going to Japan. Ped will be in San Francisco pretty early, he said. Yui and Yai will be arriving about August 8, and I should be back in San Francisco by then, whether or not I go to Japan.

We also visited a bunch of museums today, and we ended the day in the late afternoon. Jiu, Kuk, and Poh drove us back to the hotel and Poh took off with Maam, followed by Kuk who needed to go home. Then Jiu, Rey, Jason, Josephine, a Canadian woman, Brenda, and I went out for dinner at a pretty good Japanese restaurant not too far away.

After that we went for ice cream and went to see Jurassic Park II. Josephine and I stayed close most of the day, and I should mention that I understated the chemistry between us. There is a lot of chemistry between us.

The muscle that I pulled has bruised really badly. It doesn’t hurt that much, which is probably why I didn’t notice, but I have a huge bruise on the back of my thigh, bigger than a baseball. It looks a lot worse than it feels.

Royal Palace: Series VI, Roll 3 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):


Frame 20 - Um, I sometimes shoot random tourists posing for a photographs. This is a group of Japanese tourists, I think. Nothing to do with the program. That is the Royal Palace in the background.


Frame 21 - Poh and Mem, candid on the street outside the Royal Palace. Rey is in the shot, too. Same roll of negatives screwed up by Thai photoprocessing. Actually, I don't think they got any of my rolls of film right. I don't know why I kept getting them processed instead of waiting till I got back to the U.S.


Frame 23 - Royal Palace, I don't know what. I'm better at recording when than what.


Frame 24 - Candid of Ja and Luan, a lawyer from Laos, I think.

Frames 25-26 - Luan, she didn't really speak English, but she was nice to photograph.




Frame 28 - Group shot.

fin.

Bangkok, Thailand

Current Legal Problems class has a moot court type thing next Tuesday. I was worried that many of the Thai and international students might have trouble with the English in the problem, and so I organized a study session and crammed to understand the reading to be able to answer any questions they might have.

It was tiring, but kind of fun. It turned into a sort of zoo. I hope it helped them. I just want to make sure they aren’t disadvantaged by the language barrier. We’re in Thailand and the Thai students have been helping us through every bit of our lives, but the English speaking students have the clear advantage in the classroom. Most of the Thai students can’t understand the lectures when the professors speak too fast or with too many colloquialisms. I imagine it must be odd to be in Thailand and going to class and not understanding the lectures. That’s what it must have been like in the States.

Josephine and I had a slight problem today, but we worked it out by night and ended up talking for several hours again late night. I don’t know if this is developing into anything. She’s sweet and all, and has a really good heart. I love her laugh and she has a sense of humor. I like her enough, but I don’t know if it’s creating a great stir in my heart. It’s pleasant, sweet, some attraction, some chemistry. There isn’t the staunch loyalty and adoration I have for Madoka, or the infatuation and drowning I had for Amina. But what do I expect? I just met her!

While Josephine and I were talking, I recalled studying for Moons for Goons in Amina’s room in Third World House. It got later and later and I asked whether I should get going, and Amina responded so sweetly, “no...”. We drifted the night away and nodded off. She had left for class by the time I woke up in the morning. Our friendship had grown through the semester and I was quite in love with her by then. Will I ever touch that kind of love again?

I don’t know why the thought occurred to me while talking to Josephine. Maybe part of me is still regretting losing Amina and is reluctant to fall in love again. Maybe I feel guilty about something. Maybe I’m just wishing, hopeless romantic that I can’t help being.

Bangkok, Thailand

I missed Regional Organizations class today because the professor showed up late - after I had already left. I thought the plan was for everyone to bail, but somehow they were all there when the professor showed up. I wasn’t.

I pulled a muscle doing sprints this morning in Lumpini Park. That should take me out for a while. I don’t think it’s serious, just a routine pull, but it hurts a lot. Or maybe I’m just being a wimp. I’m not used to this hot and humid climate, even though I like it.

After Current International Legal Problems, Josephine was going to meet an old friend who used to be a co-worker. Philip, Rey, and I went along because she didn’t want to meet him alone. Josephine is so very sweet. After getting back to the hotel, we read together for a while because she was having difficulty understanding the legal stuff in English. I stayed in her room until I started falling asleep, then I graciously left. I wonder if she’d mind if I fell asleep in her room.

Bangkok, Thailand

Back to classes today. We’re in the second week and it’s a little scary how fast this is all going to go, and that we’re going to have papers coming up, and all this fun we’re having is going to come to an end. It’s especially hard because Kuk won’t be coming back to the States. I sat beside her all semester in Conflict of Laws and only said hello to her. She seemed so quiet and shy, but then seeing a different side of her when her eyes lit up telling us we had to go on the banana-boat.

After class we had dinner near school and then went for ice cream on Silom. I was anti-social and wasn’t into being with people at all. I need to get scotch. Just in case.

Bangkok, Thailand

A group of us went to a resort town about two hours away yesterday and stayed overnight. Three cars. I was in Ja’s car with Neng and Josephine. We spent most of yesterday getting down there, stopping for lunch at a seafood restaurant on a beach. The breezes were just heavenly. We rented bungalows on a beach and played cards and music and had dinner at a night market and ice cream at Swensen’s.

Today we went banana-boating. It’s a long, cylindrical rubber raft that up to five people ride while a jet ski pulls. The idea is that the people riding the banana-boat get dunked. That’s entertainment! We also went to King Rama VI’s summer palace before heading back and I learned my first Thai civic lesson - never even suggest criticism about the King.

This evening I chatted with Josephine for several hours. It seems we have a lot in common and value similar things. She’s different on the inside from what she is on the outside, and that was kind of nice to find, except to the extent that it means she has a lot of problems.

But I’m through with finding people I have anything in common with. I’ve met plenty of people I have “a lot in common with”, and those acquaintances have turned up nothing. Maybe that’s part of adulthood. When you’re younger, you gravitate towards people who you have something in common with. Adults don’t care about that sort of thing. Adults care about how much money you make, what sort of connection you are for their network, how good of an accessory you will be for them.

Overnight Trip to Beach: Series VI, Roll 2 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5)


Frame 24 - Morning Walk for Monks


Frame 28 - Poh


Frame 31 - Kuk and a happy (stranger) dog.

Frame 32-35 - Josephine








Series VI, Roll 3 (Pentax K2, Tri-X):

Last shot from the beach resort:

Frame 1 - Poh drying her hair after banana boating, and Philip. My negatives were screwed up by Thai photoprocessing, but I've grown to like the unintended effect.

King Rama VI's Summer Palace:

Frame 2 - Very open air.


Frame 3 - We were able to just roam around.


Frame 4 - This looks like an altar to the king.


Frame 5 - Hot Summer, cool palace, nice place to sleep.


Frame 6 - This causeway led to a seaside view.


Frame 7 - Ja, Kuk, Neng, and Josephine


Frame 8 - Rey, Philip, Poh, and Mem. Again, negative destroyed by Thai photoprocessing, but I like the effect. And this wasn't nearly as bad as when they later lost a roll of negatives.


Frame 9 - One seriously relaxing day. In order from left to right: Ja, Mem, Poh, Philip, Jason, Kuk, Josephine, Neng, and Rey.


Frame 15 - Kuk and Poh

fin

Mem and Kuk

Series VI, Roll 2, Frame 22 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5) - telephoto zoom lens. On our way to the beach resort, discussing directions.

Bangkok, Thailand

We had our “get-together” brunch today here at the hotel restaurant. Kinda late - a week into the program. People seemed to mostly hang out with the people they’ve been hanging out for the past week.

Afterwards, we went to An’s house an hour and a half away for a combined birthday celebration for Josephine, Neng, and Philip. Before going, our group split up and went to a mall to shop for presents.

An’s family has a beautiful house. The Thai women cooked food while the boys learned to play snooker, a form of billiards. The table is a lot larger. It was a lot of fun. Rey brought his video camera.

It was an interesting experience being part of a “group” this late in my life. Cycles repeating themselves. I know none of it means anything and so I attach no special meaning to these people who I really like, who are good people, and with whom I have a lot of fun. It feels good, but it’s only feeling, it’s not permanent and not that special.

Tomorrow there is a plan to go to a beach for an overnight stay.


Series VI, Roll 2, Frame 20 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5) - Bangkok, Thailand. I think this is from an upper deck of a parking garage on Silom Road, looking towards where we were staying at the YMCA on Sathorn Road. We were going shopping for birthday gifts.

Series VI, Roll 9 (Pentax IQZoom 115, Ilford XP2): Party at An's House


Frame 0 - Ja and Poh


Frame 3 - Yui, Kuk, Ja, Poh, Mem


Frame 5 - Something really funny.