It was so perfect how that disk crashed in April and erased entries from this journal. It erased parts of my life that weren’t meant to be recorded, events that showed my inadequacies. The events occurred for me to learn from, but not to be recorded as characterizing me. All that was meant to be erased got erased, and all that was meant to be recorded remained.
It’s been fascinating looking back, now that I’ve graduated. Memories of me that are so foreign. I just got a roll of film developed. Already the people are feeling like memories. Amina and Diem, Commencement, Luyen and me in her room on her birthday. All have the texture and fondness of long gone memories
Saturday, June 27, 1992
Tuesday, June 23, 1992
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
I went walking around in a mall today and all I thought about was Luyen, Amina, and Diem. Amina’s words, “I said that I would marry you” came back to haunt me. It was a joke, but . . . what a joke. It was supposed to be a joke.
This move to Japan has been occupying the totality of my thought. I’ve been trying to push it to the back of my mind, but there’s no getting away from it and my curiosity to speculate what will happen betrays my preoccupation. And what is this about the ‘rents going to Taiwan until a couple of days before I leave? They seem disturbingly comfortable with my leaving. As if they know I’ll be back and when I’ll be back. Fuck them.
This move to Japan has been occupying the totality of my thought. I’ve been trying to push it to the back of my mind, but there’s no getting away from it and my curiosity to speculate what will happen betrays my preoccupation. And what is this about the ‘rents going to Taiwan until a couple of days before I leave? They seem disturbingly comfortable with my leaving. As if they know I’ll be back and when I’ll be back. Fuck them.
Sunday, June 21, 1992
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
The ‘rents left for Taiwan on Thursday and they won’t be back until a day or two before I leave for Chicago, en route to Japan. Fitting. I’m glad they went, it gives me time to clear my head about leaving and their role in my leaving. Their possible role in manipulating me back to this country, back on the track they want me on, regardless of the futility.
I sift through a flood of apprehension about this move to Japan, what do I think I’m doing? My life heading into Never-Never land. That’s not the way my life has been structured, I’m not familiar enough with heading off into Never-Never land and making it work. I’m not good at going off alone into the unknown and figuring out my way on the fly. I’m familiar with structure and shelter. I don’t know a whole lot about independence. I have to be willing to try.
I sift through a flood of apprehension about this move to Japan, what do I think I’m doing? My life heading into Never-Never land. That’s not the way my life has been structured, I’m not familiar enough with heading off into Never-Never land and making it work. I’m not good at going off alone into the unknown and figuring out my way on the fly. I’m familiar with structure and shelter. I don’t know a whole lot about independence. I have to be willing to try.
Wednesday, June 17, 1992
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
I went to visit Luyen in Florida this past weekend. Her mother had invited me and I accepted. The anger was all gone, and although we can’t have the relationship we tried to have, whatever it was that we had built was real. I’m glad I went, but it was heartbreaking to leave.
Her situation at home forced her to be less engrossed in her own problems, less selfish, more conscious of what was going on around her. She is the stable element at home, and that was a surprise to see. She was more like she was last Fall semester.
Meeting her family filled in many holes in my picture of Luyen. It gave me a fresher perspective on what went on between us. By the time I left, I felt that a lot had been resolved and closure had been reached. A lot of the negative and hurtful things had been accounted for, and I felt I could accept her love the way that she expressed it more readily. It doesn’t change a thing, though, and maybe that’s why it was able to happen.
When I first got there, I was apprehensive and my guard was up. I was a little put off when she didn’t meet me at the airport, but told me to call her when I had arrived. It was just odd. That’s alright between friends who’ve known each other all their lives and were familiar with each other’s cities. But after what we had gone through, I thought that she’d be more willing to make me feel welcome and comfortable coming to a strange place.
The first conversations were not quite personal, but necessarily friendly and amiable. But things were clicking and we were able to talk in her kitchen after her mother had gone to sleep. She woke me in the mornings and we were able to have intimate moments hugging in a half daze. The next day the family went to a water park and Luyen and I managed to go off on our own. That night we went for a nice walk along railroad tracks in the rain after getting ice cream. Our second late night conversation was more intimate and vulnerable and let us get on ground concerning our hearts and her pain.
Sunday was her birthday. Monday we walked along more railroad tracks and in a cemetery and went for lunch in a politically aware healthy-food joint run by two people from Iran. We had a wonderful time and we revived a lot of what we had. It was painfully sad to leave her for what may be the last time. I couldn’t smile at the airport the way I did with Amina and Diem.
It’s too bad we couldn’t find this peace of mind earlier. It would have saved a lot of pain. But I think it might have sacrificed learning. I think we did learn through our experience. This trip was fortunate and necessary. And just as it was with Amina last year in the few days before she left for Karachi, these three days with Luyen will be the basis of my memory and perception of her.
The memories of Luyen will start with walking with her along railroad tracks in the rain in downtown Winter Park. With late night talks in the kitchen under dim fluorescence, finally touching an emotional intimacy that had eluded us for so long. With mornings hugging in the upstairs room, with playing cards in her room, ping pong down the street, watching “Steel Magnolias” and a total lunar eclipse.
Her situation at home forced her to be less engrossed in her own problems, less selfish, more conscious of what was going on around her. She is the stable element at home, and that was a surprise to see. She was more like she was last Fall semester.
Meeting her family filled in many holes in my picture of Luyen. It gave me a fresher perspective on what went on between us. By the time I left, I felt that a lot had been resolved and closure had been reached. A lot of the negative and hurtful things had been accounted for, and I felt I could accept her love the way that she expressed it more readily. It doesn’t change a thing, though, and maybe that’s why it was able to happen.
When I first got there, I was apprehensive and my guard was up. I was a little put off when she didn’t meet me at the airport, but told me to call her when I had arrived. It was just odd. That’s alright between friends who’ve known each other all their lives and were familiar with each other’s cities. But after what we had gone through, I thought that she’d be more willing to make me feel welcome and comfortable coming to a strange place.
The first conversations were not quite personal, but necessarily friendly and amiable. But things were clicking and we were able to talk in her kitchen after her mother had gone to sleep. She woke me in the mornings and we were able to have intimate moments hugging in a half daze. The next day the family went to a water park and Luyen and I managed to go off on our own. That night we went for a nice walk along railroad tracks in the rain after getting ice cream. Our second late night conversation was more intimate and vulnerable and let us get on ground concerning our hearts and her pain.
Sunday was her birthday. Monday we walked along more railroad tracks and in a cemetery and went for lunch in a politically aware healthy-food joint run by two people from Iran. We had a wonderful time and we revived a lot of what we had. It was painfully sad to leave her for what may be the last time. I couldn’t smile at the airport the way I did with Amina and Diem.
It’s too bad we couldn’t find this peace of mind earlier. It would have saved a lot of pain. But I think it might have sacrificed learning. I think we did learn through our experience. This trip was fortunate and necessary. And just as it was with Amina last year in the few days before she left for Karachi, these three days with Luyen will be the basis of my memory and perception of her.
The memories of Luyen will start with walking with her along railroad tracks in the rain in downtown Winter Park. With late night talks in the kitchen under dim fluorescence, finally touching an emotional intimacy that had eluded us for so long. With mornings hugging in the upstairs room, with playing cards in her room, ping pong down the street, watching “Steel Magnolias” and a total lunar eclipse.
Wednesday, June 03, 1992
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
Well, I’ve gone and done it. I graduated from Oberlin College. It was a beautiful day. I had played my last gig with the Can Consortium at Illumination the night before. Before that gig I played for the last time with They Might Be Asians at an Asian American parent appreciation night at Third World House. The only thing that dampened the whole experience was the ‘rents having flown in for the occasion. I tried my best to get them to go to Tom’s medical school graduation at Brown on the same day. So I avoided and ignored them as much as possible. I let them know that I didn’t appreciate them being there. They had no right to be there. They paid for my being there, but they had nothing to do with anything I did there. I hope they were livid.
Illumination - Finney Steps, May 24, 1992
I'm not positive this is from the Parent Appreciation gig.
I drove a bunch of people to the airport, including Amina, Diem, and Vikki. Amina is spending the summer in Chicago with a college friend of her mother’s. On the way to the airport, Amina said that if she were to marry anyone, it would be me. Tug, but I also know that she doesn’t plan to marry anyone. I would marry Amina in a second, I know it would work. I don’t think I’ve shed much light on the huge amount of affection between us, even through the tense moments this past semester. The intimacy and familiarity that was Amina made her home to me. Amina is permanently part of my life and nothing in the world can change that.
Taking Diem to the airport. That's Amina's hair as she got in the front seat.
Jenny came by to say goodbye to Amina when she left.
So now I’m in New Jersey spending the month preparing to leave the country for Japan. I still have no idea what I’m doing. Nothing has changed about being in New jersey. My thinking is clouded, I lose all motivation and my mood changes by the half hour. The fight with the ‘rents is no where near ending. My life as a battlefield is in total shambles.
Illumination - Finney Steps, May 24, 1992
I'm not positive this is from the Parent Appreciation gig.
I drove a bunch of people to the airport, including Amina, Diem, and Vikki. Amina is spending the summer in Chicago with a college friend of her mother’s. On the way to the airport, Amina said that if she were to marry anyone, it would be me. Tug, but I also know that she doesn’t plan to marry anyone. I would marry Amina in a second, I know it would work. I don’t think I’ve shed much light on the huge amount of affection between us, even through the tense moments this past semester. The intimacy and familiarity that was Amina made her home to me. Amina is permanently part of my life and nothing in the world can change that.
Taking Diem to the airport. That's Amina's hair as she got in the front seat.
Jenny came by to say goodbye to Amina when she left.
So now I’m in New Jersey spending the month preparing to leave the country for Japan. I still have no idea what I’m doing. Nothing has changed about being in New jersey. My thinking is clouded, I lose all motivation and my mood changes by the half hour. The fight with the ‘rents is no where near ending. My life as a battlefield is in total shambles.
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