1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

What a shitty year.

In my heart, I think Ritu committed suicide. I didn't know for the longest time, but now I'm convinced that she killed herself. That's the only thing that makes sense.

I failed Ritu, a friend in need. If not a friend, someone, anyone, in need who was reaching out for help. There is no excuse for it, she was in pain and I brushed it off, tough love, she's got to get out of it by herself and that's what will make her stronger. Idiot! Where was my compassion, where was my patience, where was my empathy? Instead, I put up a wall, defenses, protected myself at her expense. I was a snob. I think of how Ritu was starting on August 1st, and I can only amaze myself at how callously I treated her.

I'm not a good person. I need to work on that. It's not like I'll never forgive myself, I have to, but I feel sad about how I treated Ritu and I need to always remember her. I don't think I could have stopped her from killing herself, I don't think I would have, but the very least I had to do was be there for her, to let her know that she wasn't alone and that someone feels for her. When someone is in that much pain, just be there for them. Don't write them off and hope for the best. It wasn't my burden to stop her from killing herself, but it was my responsibility to not abandon her. Ritu, I'm so sorry.

As this year ends, I name no one as special in my life. Madoka and I have drifted and we're trying to force our friendship to fit. Our first calendar year not having seen each other.

So what from this year do I take into the next? What continuity should there be?

Doubts about being here only grow. I don't want to grow old. I don't want to grow old, but each year is another year older. How long am I going to put up with this? The older I get, the more real it becomes that if I'm going to leave, I need to do it sooner, rather than later.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

This Friday, friends of Ritu in New York are having a gathering to remember her and celebrate Diwali, the Indian festival of lights. I've been collecting candles from people who wanted to send candles and have them lit at the gathering.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

There is a certain dynamic in the interaction between Josefa and me, and it's a dynamic that is suitable for co-workers, maybe a superficial friendship, but nothing more. In practice, it's actually more of a harmless, low-level lust. Hey, I'm a guy, she's hot. End of story.

Josefa and I were just crutches for each other to get through Ritu's death, but Ritu is gone and we have to go on with our lives. Our own lives, and we weren't in each other's lives before Ritu died, there's no reason that we should be in each other's lives now.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

"Hi friends,

You might decide to not read this or save it until after hours or an appropriate time.

Saturday was the one month mark of Ritu’s passing. When Ritu died, I was jealous of her, and the next day I got a horoscope telling me not to be jealous of other people's accomplishments and to write thank you notes instead. So this is the note I wrote to her. I took it to Land's End on Saturday with the candle container of the candle I'd been burning for her for the last month and burned the letter in the candle container and set it off into the ocean.

Dear Ritu,
This is a thank you note, the intentions of which I hope will reach you in some form wherever you are.

I want to thank you for being who you were, as you were, and for entering my life. That is all. That is all that is needed for me to thank you and to be thankful to you.

I didn't know you that long or that well or that deeply, nevertheless your presence through your absence is deeply felt. And that, perhaps, is the value of having been alive, having lived.

Having touched my life by having been in it, I miss you. I miss your presence, I miss knowing that you are somewhere out there in a form I would recognise, a form in which I could say, "Ritu?" and you could say, "what?"

I will remember your face, your love of orchids, your love of orange, of Eddie Vedder's voice, your passion for the music that touched you, your tactile appreciation; you loved life more than I ever will and you touched it more deeply than I ever will.

I will also remember your pain and your struggle for compassion. I had very little good to say about you in the last month, but now that you're gone, it has all been placed into perspective. We all have our pain, we all have our struggle, and we all deal with and express them in our own individual ways that may be perceived differently by other people. I didn't understand your struggle, but now I recognise it for what it was, and that it was just yours, not for me to understand or solve or resolve or cure.

So thank you and godspeed. Go on your journey and always come as you are. In whatever time or place I meet you again, if I recognise you on some level, know that I will welcome you.

On behalf of Josefa, Barb, Cass, Wayne, Angela, Lorena, Zenaida, Jeptha, and anyone else who shares the sentiment but I don't know about, thank you. Take this burned candle, this incense, and this song for you and go. If we are to meet again, insha'allah, in this I believe."

Today was the month anniversary of Ritu's death. The day after we got the news, I drove Josefa home to Vallejo and there was a candle in a glass cylinder in the kitchen. I mentioned that I wanted to get one of those and burn it constantly for Ritu. On Monday, Josefa brought the candle in and said her mother gave it to me. I haven't been burning it constantly for obvious fire hazard reasons, but I've been burning it all day at work for the past month, which is in itself still a fire code violation, I shouldn't wonder. It finally burned out this past Thursday just before I left work.

So tonight, I wrote a thank you note to Ritu, took the glass cylinder and incense and went to Sea Cliff to burn the letter and the incense and throw the cylinder and the ashes into the ocean.

It took a long time to burn the letter because it wasn't catching and the long-tip lighter I was using was just about exhausted. I didn't burn the letter completely, there was a piece of it that I finally gave up on, and I shoved the lighter into the cylinder and chucked it all into the ocean. If Ritu wants to read it, she can burn the rest of it herself. Of course, it doesn't work that way and she probably won't get the part that didn't burn. I played a tune on shakuhachi until the incense burned out and left.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

It's been just over two weeks since we got the news of Ritu's death, and my whole life feels different now. Work is completely different with Theresa and Josefa and having moved to the 18th floor. No more 13th floor.

In these past two weeks, Fiction hired a new guitarist and got a gig booked. Anita and I have cut communications. Our friendship was at its end, Ritu's death finalized it.

These past two weeks have been trying times; Ritu's death was just an undercurrent. The impact was considerable, but with everything else going on, her death now feels like it is far in the past.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

The past week has been a roller-coaster, both emotionally and at work, since hearing the news about Ritu. It seems so long ago that we dealt with the impact of the news. So many emotions, so many phases of dealing with it. Then our team was displaced at work, making a big temporary move up to the 18th floor. Josefa and I were physically removed from the daily reminder of the context of Ritu at work.

Now we're dealing with our problems as a legal team. Theresa is stressed and exasperated. Josefa and I are buried in our workloads. We talk about Ritu, but we don't discuss her anymore. We hang out a lot. There is some attraction, but no chemistry. We might just float in it for a while and then it will fade.

Fiction hired a new guitarist and we have a gig booked for October 20. Things are picking up and we're taking things on with a new attitude. This is how it should have always been. Just go for it. You get no where if you're bogged down trying to be 100% prepared for a gig and having found The Perfect Part for a song. You don't grow without challenges to stumble over, so it's perfect that we only have three and a half weeks before our first gig in this line-up.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Aquarius: Look at all that's right about your life. Stop feeling jealous of what other people have and what they've accomplished. You are making yourself crazy making such comparisons. There will always be people who have accomplished more than you, and those who've done less than you as well. You must count your blessings. You have much to be grateful for. With your friends, practice being happy for them, not jealous. Compliment, praise and rejoice in their achievements. Send thank you cards. Your heart will become involved with practice.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Hi friends,

Please take a moment and give a thought to my former boss and friend, Ritu, who died this past week of kidney failure. As tortured a soul she was, she deserves all positive thoughts, even though she's in a better place and wouldn't trade places with me or any of us to be back here. In fact, she's probably personally gloating at me from wherever she is.

It's my belief that this is what she wanted. She went through a crisis during the month of August which culminated in her taking a leave of absence from work, returning to her family in New York, and entering rehab for two weeks to kick alcohol.

I believe that she had reached a point that she realized what she had to do to get her life back on track and to progress, but felt deep inside that she didn't have the tools to accomplish it. So she hit 'restart', hit the abort switch, and with luck and whatever good karma she developed in this life, that realization will be a seed within her in her next life, without the experience baggage that disenabled her in this life.

I've been dealing with this with my co-workers who were also close to her and we're moving on. We all have our separate memories to preserve, we're going through this in our own separate ways and supporting each other, and we're going to stop talking about it real soon, I shouldn't wonder. We'll just drink to her as often as we drink together and let it be . –koji

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Dr. Wonson started me on acupuncture and it was really good. I left her office on a calm and focused high, not focusing on anything, just serene. The same feeling as I used to have after Tae Kwon Do or other martial arts, walking home like an open channel with whatever thoughts and external stimuli coming to me and flowing through me.

So my back is much better now, I'm almost back to normal. There's still just a little bit of stiffness and it's still hard to stand up. Going to New Jersey will be good, and when I get back I hope to be able to ride again. The month is almost over. Ritu, work, Fiction, Tahoe, back problems, it was all connected. We'd like to think that we have control over these independent things. I disagree. I think of all of it as one thing and I hope I'm almost out of it. Work will stabilize soon. Things are nuts for Theresa, but I think by the time I get back, things will be more under control and she will be able to take over my caseload, instead of having it spread out between three attorneys. My back is almost better. Fiction has started auditioning guitarists and we should have one by the end of September. If Ritu returns? I don't know yet. I don't know if I'd be willing to work for her again.

The barrier between our relationship as friends and co-workers was completely artificial and superficial. No matter what I said or led her to believe. She was above all, my boss, an authority figure, and that never went away while we were "friends". So in the end, while she was entreating me as a friend, she was still nevertheless abusing her work authority.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu called from New York. Neeta and Rahul succeeded. She's going to a rehab center in Upstate that Somini knew about and arranged. Ritu's parents now know the full situation. Actually, I think they knew of the situation a few days ago, but Ritu now has faced them knowing they know the full situation. She has nothing more to fear about them anymore. She is in New York, her family is there, her social support network is there. She’s away from this awful, distant place for which she had nary a good word, for which she was only present for a boyfriend. The rehab program is a month long and she thinks she’s coming right back to work. I don’t think that’s a good idea and I don’t think that’s going to happen. She has no reason to come back out here.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu did make it in yesterday afternoon. Apparently Tina refuses to talk about what happened and refused to talk to Anita. She made it in yesterday, but she didn't last long. I think they kicked her out today. I was supposed to have a case meeting with Angela today, but we ended up dealing with Ritu and her cousin and brother, Neeta and Rahul, who were flying in. Neeta and Rahul came first to the office to be briefed by Angela and me, while apparently Ritu was sitting outside her apartment since she didn't have her keys.

We gave our opinions and recommendations. We believed that the most favorable course of action was for them to get Ritu and fly her back to New York immediately. We warned that Ritu might resist, and if she did, we recommended that Neeta's father fly out to get her. We strongly advised that her father not come out. Neeta and Rahul concurred with just about everything. They've known her for much longer.

Ritu is totally spiraling down. I recognize it. I even reflected upon my own experience to inform my recommendations on how Ritu should be handled. I even had some benign flashbacks of memories that I had forgotten. She's no where near rock bottom yet. Through these manic, psychotic weeks, the breakdowns, the drinking, the whimpering and whining, the thoughts of suicide, she was on the way down, but no where near.

That wasn't rock bottom. Trying to commit suicide is not rock bottom. She was resisting on Monday morning and delaying going to rehab. When she got there she was asking questions about whether she had her own room and the food and the cleanliness of the bathrooms. In her well-kempt psychotic state, I imagine. But you don't think of those things when you've hit rock bottom. You can think of those things when you're still on the way down.

Rock bottom is when you've survived suicide and realize that it isn't the solution that it had provided. Rock bottom is when you've had your freedom stripped away from you and suicide has faded as an option. Rock bottom is when you have to start looking up because there is no further to look down. Rock bottom is when you realize you have to start crawling back up out of the hole you've dug for yourself. And Ritu is no where near.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I took today off from work. Last Tuesday Ritu was committed by her boyfriend because he thought she was trying to kill herself. By law, apparently, she could only be committed for 72 hours. She wasn't even in for that long. Her friend Somini, a reporter for the New York Times, flew out and took her out of the hospital and placed Ritu on 24-hour watch.

Apparently Somini got her share of abuse, including being assaulted by her on the street and eventually being kicked out of the apartment, which led to her departure. The watch, however, continued with various friends and associates, including Angela who took a 14-hour watch Saturday into Sunday morning. No one was able to keep Ritu from drinking.

Anita took over watch on Sunday and she wanted me to help her out at some point. She was scared and knew that she couldn't handle her alone. I understood, I sure couldn't. I went over in the evening and we spent the evening drinking and smoking. We weren't going to fight her, knowing the futility. So we placated her to numbness. I knew when to stop smoking, then when to stop drinking, and then when to leave. Anita was to stay over all night and Ritu's friend, Tina, was to take her into rehab on Monday morning.

She didn't make it. She finished off a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the morning and the rehab center refused to admit her. Tina gave Anita a big lecture about enabling Ritu, but then Tina was going to watch her until today. That made me laugh, knowing what Tina was in for. I don't know if she made it in. I can't wait to hear what Tina went through.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu is officially gone. She's on a leave of absence, but I don't think she'll come back to the firm. I also don't think she's going to check into a mental ward even though she needs the 24 hour attention. I don't think she's going to deal with her substantive issues. She's going to run away and hide from them.

I'm being farmed out to Angela's team for the next week, and then I'm joining the team for the new attorney who's coming in on August 21st. I'll be on Josefa's team. Josefa will be the team leader. Josefa is currently on vacation, she has no idea what has happened.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu quit and she's going to check herself into a psychiatric ward. She called me in the morning asking me to drive her to work. No fucking way. Then after I got to work, she wanted me to take a cab to get her. I refused. I told her if she needed me to escort her to work, she shouldn't come in at all. She hung up on me.

She did make it in. She then announced that she was quitting. Good for her. Good riddance.

She is the most fucked up, manipulative, controlling, unrepentant, unremorseful, selfish, shameless, spineless, immature, undeveloped, unappreciative person I've ever met. All she does is put out bad energy. She has no substance. Her boyfriend moved out and so her entire personality is melting down? She has completely built a facade, a wall of delusion and deception around her. She has no soul, she has no self. I can't believe Anita has been friends with her for this long.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu called me at 10 in the morning to whine some more. Fortunately, I had rehearsal at 11, which was why I even answered the phone at all, so I got her off my back.

Later in the afternoon, she managed to catch me again. It was weird. Someone said she might call me to do something later, but I told her that I was avoiding Ritu, so I told her to use a code: ring once and then call again. So later in the afternoon, the phone rings once, stops, and then starts ringing again. I assume it's her. It's not, it's fucking Ritu! I was getting frustrated with her idiocy and started playing hardball with her and moralizing and she hung up on me. She tried calling back twice in the next 20 minutes, but I ignored it.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu’s pathetic streak continues. She called me at work from Peter’s friend’s house asking me to drive her home because she left her wallet at home and didn’t have money for Muni. She kept me on the phone all day to distract her. Her pathetic whimpering cries of “what do I do?” really got no sympathy from me. I refused to leave work to get my car to drive her home. She puts out a lot of negative energy into the world every day, it’s not for me to say, but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if she deserves what she’s going through. Maybe not “deserves”, but she brings her situation onto herself.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Ritu is totally crumbling. She's really pathetic. She is so tough and hard on the outside, who would have guessed that she has absolutely no substance on the inside. Once her supports are kicked out from under her, she turns into a shameless, whining, babbling, pathetic, manipulative child. She keeps asking what to do, but she doesn't want to do anything, she wants comfort and ease handed to her on a silver platter. She's a spoiled brat.

Peter moved out to a friend's house. His friend is out of town for a while and let Peter stay at his place. Ritu wanted me to drive her over there. Pathetic. She couldn't walk, she couldn't take Muni, she claimed cabs don't come to her neighborhood at night. Whatever. I dragged it out as long as possible and then I took her there. I wasn't going to be her chauffeur. I made her prepare herself and know exactly why she was going and what she was going to do and not going to do when she got there. I didn’t want to take her there just to fuck things up. After I dropped her off, I knew she was going to fuck things up. Tomorrow I certainly won’t be in any rush to get to work.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Shit is hitting the fan for Ritu. Her boyfriend, Peter, is moving out. He doesn't want to renew their lease at the end of the month. She was totally dysfunctional at work and left early. Apparently it started yesterday, but I wasn't at work to experience it. More like take the brunt of it. Moving out sounds pretty serious, but I'm not sure what it means.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

New lows. I'm wasting so much money these days going drinking with Ritu after work. That really has to stop, there has to be more to life than that. The band is on extended hiatus. The other two are going on vacations that take up most of this month.

New lows. Life is so useless. I'm stuck between knowing that there is a truth to life and reality to pursue and being stuck living the life of someone who knows of no such truth.

New lows. I'm ready to leave San Francisco. I'm sick of it and its weather. If I'm still around by December, I'm moving somewhere else. I don't care where, I am out of San Francisco by next year. San Francisco has given nothing to me. I've lost the two loves of my life while living in the Bay Area. I've also floated through a lifeless, uninspired, and depressing relationship, and a relationship that was so traumatic that it destroyed my desire to be in one at all. I can't say that the Bay Area has been good to me.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

So April, this wretched month is almost over. It's always so hard to get through, I don't know why, maybe because Amina's birthday is in it. I bought my way through this April. I got my drumset which is sweet and I've just started getting it into tune. I bought a new Peugeot bike a week ago, that's also pretty sweet. I brought my Fuji in today so that it can act as a backup bike. I also got one of those desk fountains so that I can have the sound of water. If I didn’t have disposable money, I’d be dead.

It was a rough month at work with lots to do, plenty of melodrama, Ritu freaking out at me several times, and me being prepared to give my two weeks notice at any moment. But Ritu and I have been hanging out, I don't blame her for freaking out and we go out for drinks after work a lot. That has been cool. Anita has been away and that has been hard for both of us. She's a friend and she has her presence and her intensity. But the month is almost over and I've got my cases almost clear. If things normalize, things will be very cool. The usual damage done for an April; new scars. Visible scars. They'll fade.

I've really gotten into a band called Versus these past two months. A video of theirs at the NAATA film festival got me buying their CDs and now they're one of my favorite groups. Coincidentally, they came into town this past Thursday and I saw them; they were incredible live.

Fiction mixed their demo and I didn’t really participate. I basically just goofed off. I stopped by their place last night and we discussed the recording and we couldn't agree on anything. I'm not recording anymore, I'm not mixing anymore, I expect gigs to be booked, and if gigs aren't booked, I'll bail with the next band I find.