Being let down, being hurt, being betrayed are not considerations when you truly fall in love. That’s what it means to have no defenses up. It didn’t matter that I was let down, hurt, and betrayed by Amina. I still loved her.
I struggle with existence, I try to detach, I try to realize that I cannot take anything as I sense it. I am not here. But then what are these senses? What are these feelings? Why do I do what I do - confined in a body and reality that I know is not real. I know it, but I do not feel it. It is not true knowledge. I am an arrow and I have missed the target before I even have been shot. I’m still too much of this world. I’m still far, far from my goal.
Tuesday, February 27, 2001
Monday, February 26, 2001
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
Existence itself is meditation. That is a new paradigm. My biggest trouble with living has always been existing. My salvation has been meditation; sitting. But very existence itself is meditation, every moment. That is the new paradigm. No distractions, just focus on existing and existence, that is meditation.
Tuesday, February 20, 2001
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
I don’t even know what it means to fall in love anymore. After Amina, after Shiho, after Josephine, I have no idea what the feeling is anymore. I don’t think I can fall in love anymore. It’s a practice in futility. Any approach to loving someone would solely be an intellectual exercise. I will never just fall in love with anyone ever again. Because of Amina, because of Shiho, because of Josephine, I will always have my defenses up, I will always be looking to protect myself, and with defenses and protections up, I will never be able to love again. I will always be gauging the other person’s behavior to determine whether to fall in love and how I fall in love. That’s not love. Love is not a response, it is an affirmative act. Otherwise, it’s not love. How do I absorb the fact that I will never fall in love again? I need to think deeply about that. If my feeling is a response to another person’s behaviors, it is not love.
Monday, February 12, 2001
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
Time for an assessment.
- I’ve been working at this job for about one year and four months. I now work on the 18th floor with a new boss and a new team.
- Most of the people around me are new faces. They know nothing about me.
- Rosalie is gone and I have moved to her room. Jen has moved in and I never see her because she’s a cook in an upscale restaurant and she is asleep when I leave and she gets in after midnight.
- Fiction is moving. I don’t know where, I don’t know how fast, but we’ve got something going. More than I’ve ever had going before.
- Spiritually I’m numb. Not dead. Just not in that space.
- Physically, I’m...who cares. Mentally, who cares. Emotionally, who cares. Who cares.
I have no friends, no one knows me and there is no one I can count on. I have people who would say that they care, but they have no idea how bad it can get. I have no past, I have no future. I’m just wallowing in my present nothingness. Lack of inspiration. But there must be a reason why I’m still here. I still enjoy things. I’m wallowing in the swamp of mediocrity that my life has slid into. Time to get angry again?
- I’ve been working at this job for about one year and four months. I now work on the 18th floor with a new boss and a new team.
- Most of the people around me are new faces. They know nothing about me.
- Rosalie is gone and I have moved to her room. Jen has moved in and I never see her because she’s a cook in an upscale restaurant and she is asleep when I leave and she gets in after midnight.
- Fiction is moving. I don’t know where, I don’t know how fast, but we’ve got something going. More than I’ve ever had going before.
- Spiritually I’m numb. Not dead. Just not in that space.
- Physically, I’m...who cares. Mentally, who cares. Emotionally, who cares. Who cares.
I have no friends, no one knows me and there is no one I can count on. I have people who would say that they care, but they have no idea how bad it can get. I have no past, I have no future. I’m just wallowing in my present nothingness. Lack of inspiration. But there must be a reason why I’m still here. I still enjoy things. I’m wallowing in the swamp of mediocrity that my life has slid into. Time to get angry again?
Monday, February 05, 2001
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
This has been the coldest Winter I’ve experienced in the Bay Area. It has been colder than even the Summers.
I look at my life since the beginning of this year, and nothing has changed. It has gotten even worse. I might as well accept that is how it's going to be, and get rid of any expectation that it’s going to be any different.
Stop looking. Stop striving. Stop desiring. Just be. Just go. Just float. Just observe. And learn. Look for something to learn; it’s there.
I decided to not drink alone for a week, and nothing hard at all for a week. I’m allowed to drink beer socially. I’ve started spending over a hundred dollars a month on alcohol. So far, no physical addiction. Only once last night I broke and had a single beer alone. I do have to tell myself not to drink, but that’s because it has pretty much become a habit. That’s all it is. Habits can be broken more easily than addictions.
I look at my life since the beginning of this year, and nothing has changed. It has gotten even worse. I might as well accept that is how it's going to be, and get rid of any expectation that it’s going to be any different.
Stop looking. Stop striving. Stop desiring. Just be. Just go. Just float. Just observe. And learn. Look for something to learn; it’s there.
I decided to not drink alone for a week, and nothing hard at all for a week. I’m allowed to drink beer socially. I’ve started spending over a hundred dollars a month on alcohol. So far, no physical addiction. Only once last night I broke and had a single beer alone. I do have to tell myself not to drink, but that’s because it has pretty much become a habit. That’s all it is. Habits can be broken more easily than addictions.
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