1557 Noe St., San Francisco

A lot happened in March, but there were no peaks, just flatline. Enumerating the events just wouldn’t convey what March 1999 was and wasn’t. There was a lot of pain and sadness left over from Josephine, I just can’t seem to neutralize the memories of our times together. And I haven’t yet found a way to honor what our relationship was and what it meant to me. And I don’t think I can bear to cut communications yet. I still need to know that she’s somewhere and where that generally is.

With that subtext, I guess my life just went on in March 1999 and I had my first gig with Fiction, I visited Bob and Lizzie in Philadelphia and helped them move, grappled with uncharacteristically cold and rainy weather, caught the flu, began my running season, and I continue the ongoing saga of my unfinished papers which is keeping me from going out and finding some sort of job. The job search looms.

There’s nothing here in my life. There’s potential, but nothing actually here now. Fiction is a good gig, but I worry whether the music is outdated, would generate a buzz, or would sell. I still think about trying to write and forming my own band. I wonder if I should buy a drumset and start auditioning for bands on drums. I don’t think I’d want another bass gig, but drums is another side of me, another thing I like to do.

In the meantime I also need to start looking into myself more and see if I can pick up what I thought was a spiritual journey I started long ago. It’s a lot harder now. My introduction to it was inspiring, but now it feels tedious and I don’t know if I can do it without a teacher. But it’s something I have to do, that’s the only thing that can possibly have meaning.

Series VIII, Roll 15 (Pentax ZX-5n, T400CN):

Construction of the new Ferry Building plaza area on the Embarcadero:


Frame 11


Frame 12

Series VIII, Roll 15 (Pentax ZX-5n, T400CN):

Diamond Heights, San Francisco:


Frame 2 - Close to where I moved to in Noe Valley.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Things aren’t getting any better, it’s just getting clearer how bad things are, but that’s just the nature of these times.

I keep two separate worlds, two separate faces, and my public face lets nothing show of my private face. A nice surface veneer masking a rotted interior.

Going to New Jersey served its purpose, it got me away from here and helped me get a little clearer about how bad things are and where I need to go. There’s so much I want to be doing, things that I think I can do, but I’m not because I have no discipline and I’ve gotten weak with no personal constitution. I’ve changed so much from before and I’m not sure I like how I’ve become.

I’m also in an anti-social phase in my life and that has kept me from being comfortable getting in touch with people.

People only see my public face and they see that I’m alright. And I will be alright, it’s just a matter of how I get through this phase. I need a plan, I need some discipline, I need to get angry about something and act on it in a positive way. I need to sink lower and continue to destroy myself and laugh at the joke I’m playing on the world.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Life has been sucking lately. Nothing is wrong with it, it’s just sort of empty and surface-appearance like. Nothing around me has any substance. Ah, it’s March - the start of suicide season. March and April are always the hardest to get through, even knowing I won’t off myself anymore. There’s no connection in my life, and so in these times it feels like I try a little too hard to make a connection and I come across as being desperate. Maybe I need to let go a little more, loosen my grip on reality and feel a little more what’s behind the appearances and within me. That’s the hardest part.

I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve repressed all my real feelings and they’re deep inside now. I couldn’t conjure them if I wanted to. I have no conception of what they are or what they are like. I don’t feel anymore and anyone who gets too close to those feelings are going to experience a lashing out. Maybe that’s why it was comfortable with Josephine, she never would get that close, she just didn’t have that empathy.