Why should I care what Amina thinks? What does Amina have to do with anything anymore? We just are what we are. I’ve got to close this door to Amina. Luyen comes over at night and we sleep. We part ways in the morning with hardly a word and ignore each other throughout the day. Then she comes over at night and we sleep. The past two nights at least we’ve been talking about our relationship.
The Islam seminar has been rewarding. I don’t consider the other people in the class a bunch of idiots anymore. They are just getting different things out of the class than I am. I’m more into the metaphysics and how things work and how pieces fit, they’re more into talking about their personal experience. Just because I couldn’t care less about their personally inspiring reflections and anecdotes, that’s just me. I don’t listen to them with disdain anymore.
Professor Morris had everybody bring in an object that “makes us feel closer to God”. I don’t know, it seemed rather hokey and new-agey. I didn’t really do it. But someone else had brought in a sculpture of some sort. It was a piece of driftwood with a bird skeleton mounted on it. I was next to Prof. Morris while he was examining it and he very casually pointed out, almost more to himself than to anyone else, that a knothole in the wood behind the skull looked like a halo. I blinked in surprise. I wouldn’t have seen it, but it seemed so obvious. But it’s only obvious if you know what to look for.
Life is like that, like any work of art, literature, music or movie. You appreciate it more and you get more out of it when you know what to look for; if you know what’s going on or what the inspiration was or how it works and what it’s doing. It has more meaning if you know how to look for the signs.
My line of thought is very simplistic, though. I noticed it tonight in my vocabulary. When I go into metaphysics mode, I find myself resorting to a limited vocabulary and I use words like “illusion”, “illusory nature”, “manifestation”, and “Real” over and over. There is something linear about my thought which misses many complexities and subtleties. Things like “everything is just as it was meant to be”, “everything is good and has benefit”, and “there is a reason for everything”.
Everything is so intellectualized and I don’t know how to break out of it. I have moments of epiphany but they get supported by intellectualizations as I figure out what made that thing work and why it was so neat for me to get ecstatic over it. If only I could have the ecstasy without the intellectualization, perhaps I would get more out of things. But at this point, they come hand in hand and there’s no way to separate them. It’s something to learn to let go.
Tuesday, April 28, 1992
Monday, April 27, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Amina and I are what we were a year ago. My feelings for her are the same as a year ago. Sometimes I can’t wait to get far, far away from her.
Diem and I had some falling-outs concerning cosmology, perspective, and life in general. We got into an argument on the phone and she wrote a pretty nasty letter in return. She brought up a bunch of good points, many with which I don’t think I ever disagreed. She got defensive over things I never went against. She put a lot of words into my mouth and attributed ideas to me that were never mine. That bothered me.
The whole tone of her letter was very defensive. I think I threatened her world-view and that put her on the defensive. Then the way she subsequently rallied her world-view in her mind put me in opposition to it, regardless of what my position really is. It’s probably a little more complex than that and a lot more subtle, but that’s the gist of it.
There are fundamental differences in our perspectives. She thinks very diametrically and in absolute terms. Good and evil where good is clearly good and evil is clearly evil. For me there are no absolutes because everything is subjective. For her, if you do good, you are doing good. For me, you may think you’re doing good, but it may have a bad effect, so you’re not necessarily doing good. I think her definition of what is good and compassionate is too narrow and her attitude too uncritical for her to ever succeed in truly being good and compassionate beyond the definitions she places on her actions.
She also attacked me on personal levels, taking cheap shots. Seemingly out of character for someone who takes such pride on being and doing good. She’s not free from malice, and her facade of goodness can be overcome. But I can’t be critical of that because even though she tries to live like a saint, she never claimed that she is a saint. We all have faults. Nowadays, on the outside, she maintains normal cordial relations, all smiley and friendly-like. But I sense tension and that she’s maintaining the cordiality to avoid negativity. I think she has a difficult time dealing with negativity. That’s also something I won’t criticize. We all maintain balance in our own ways.
I don’t know, maybe I’m doing exactly what I said she did. Affirming my world-view by artificially putting her opposed to it.
Luyen. I thought our relationship had found a comfortable ground of distanced intimacy. We weren’t part of each other’s lives and we didn’t interact, even when she came over and slept over. But I got back from a gig in Milwaukee with the Can Consortium a couple of days ago and found a letter from her telling me that she loves me and wants to be a part of my life, wants me to commit. She can’t possibly have any idea what she’s doing. So much needs to be addressed and she isn’t doing it, and she keeps pushing to be a part of my life. It’s a two-way street and she doesn’t treat it like one. It’s very bad. She is blocking out the negative impact I’m having on her life. I know the negative impact our relationship is having on my life.
Diem and I had some falling-outs concerning cosmology, perspective, and life in general. We got into an argument on the phone and she wrote a pretty nasty letter in return. She brought up a bunch of good points, many with which I don’t think I ever disagreed. She got defensive over things I never went against. She put a lot of words into my mouth and attributed ideas to me that were never mine. That bothered me.
The whole tone of her letter was very defensive. I think I threatened her world-view and that put her on the defensive. Then the way she subsequently rallied her world-view in her mind put me in opposition to it, regardless of what my position really is. It’s probably a little more complex than that and a lot more subtle, but that’s the gist of it.
There are fundamental differences in our perspectives. She thinks very diametrically and in absolute terms. Good and evil where good is clearly good and evil is clearly evil. For me there are no absolutes because everything is subjective. For her, if you do good, you are doing good. For me, you may think you’re doing good, but it may have a bad effect, so you’re not necessarily doing good. I think her definition of what is good and compassionate is too narrow and her attitude too uncritical for her to ever succeed in truly being good and compassionate beyond the definitions she places on her actions.
She also attacked me on personal levels, taking cheap shots. Seemingly out of character for someone who takes such pride on being and doing good. She’s not free from malice, and her facade of goodness can be overcome. But I can’t be critical of that because even though she tries to live like a saint, she never claimed that she is a saint. We all have faults. Nowadays, on the outside, she maintains normal cordial relations, all smiley and friendly-like. But I sense tension and that she’s maintaining the cordiality to avoid negativity. I think she has a difficult time dealing with negativity. That’s also something I won’t criticize. We all maintain balance in our own ways.
I don’t know, maybe I’m doing exactly what I said she did. Affirming my world-view by artificially putting her opposed to it.
Luyen. I thought our relationship had found a comfortable ground of distanced intimacy. We weren’t part of each other’s lives and we didn’t interact, even when she came over and slept over. But I got back from a gig in Milwaukee with the Can Consortium a couple of days ago and found a letter from her telling me that she loves me and wants to be a part of my life, wants me to commit. She can’t possibly have any idea what she’s doing. So much needs to be addressed and she isn’t doing it, and she keeps pushing to be a part of my life. It’s a two-way street and she doesn’t treat it like one. It’s very bad. She is blocking out the negative impact I’m having on her life. I know the negative impact our relationship is having on my life.
Monday, April 20, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Warm weather has finally come and what a change! I’ve started picking up the pieces with Amina and my relationship with Diem has resumed its regular familiarity and proximity. I’ve had some amazing conversations with both of them and it’s so strange how I can apply my cosmology in my head with things they say and so many pieces seem to fit. No examples.
What am I to do with Amina? She tugs at my heart so much and says things that melt me and then she keeps the distance which I’ve grown to expect. Our feelings aren’t mutual. She doesn’t feel for me what I feel for her and it tears at my heart. But what am I without her? I can’t bear having her not in my life and so I just keep healthy and treat our relationship healthily and that is all I can do.
Luyen still comes over at night and we barely interact. We part in the morning with hardly a word. We ignore each other in public. Go figure.
What am I to do with Amina? She tugs at my heart so much and says things that melt me and then she keeps the distance which I’ve grown to expect. Our feelings aren’t mutual. She doesn’t feel for me what I feel for her and it tears at my heart. But what am I without her? I can’t bear having her not in my life and so I just keep healthy and treat our relationship healthily and that is all I can do.
Luyen still comes over at night and we barely interact. We part in the morning with hardly a word. We ignore each other in public. Go figure.
Sunday, April 19, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
I came to a spiritual impasse yesterday. Things were getting rough. I was depressed and distressed, staring at the ceiling wondering what I’m doing here. Why was my life the way it was? Who are these people in my life? It culminated in a decision to take a break from the spiritual path for a while. Cease my ponderings and investigations. They were becoming oppressive and frustrating and only confused me more. They brought more questions than answers and overwhelmed me. Recognizing a burden is not supposed to promote dysfunction. That’s not the purpose of it, so just let it go, good-bye. Just live for a while. I relaxed, breathed, felt better and was bombarded by a load of insights within the hour. I was trying too hard.
Vikki. I was talking on the phone with Vikki yesterday. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Or rather, why do I treat her problems the way I do? I have trouble showing her that I treat her problems seriously. I poke fun at her problems and stoke her insecurities. No one else do I treat that way. Why Vikki? Part of it is that she is so attached to her misery and perpetuates herself, unintentionally I’m sure, as the pitiful, pathetic victim. It’s hard to take such melodrama too seriously. And then she laughs along with my poking fun at her problems which perpetuates the dynamic. You try to have fun with friends, but with Vikki it’s all about her problems. And usually the problems involve men, and that makes it even more difficult to treat seriously. Especially since she’s drop-dead gorgeous.
But it’s more than me not taking the subject matter of her problems seriously. I realize problems are subjective things. There is no gauge but our own feelings to determine the depth of our problems. There is no way to diminish problems by comparing them to problems that are “more serious”. What’s important is how Vikki feels about them and the impact they have on her. So why do I do it?
We were on the phone talking about her problems and I could sense the gravity with which she felt them, but I couldn’t treat them seriously the way I would have treated other peoples’ problems. For some reason, there was always a humorous aspect creeping in. It was in the way she attached to her problems, they took on a “divinely comic” quality. It was as if god was trying to lead her to a solution. God had given her a perfect set up to learn something and all she could do is attach to the problem, and the solution being so clear, it was funny the way she would just attach to the problem.
Vikki. I was talking on the phone with Vikki yesterday. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Or rather, why do I treat her problems the way I do? I have trouble showing her that I treat her problems seriously. I poke fun at her problems and stoke her insecurities. No one else do I treat that way. Why Vikki? Part of it is that she is so attached to her misery and perpetuates herself, unintentionally I’m sure, as the pitiful, pathetic victim. It’s hard to take such melodrama too seriously. And then she laughs along with my poking fun at her problems which perpetuates the dynamic. You try to have fun with friends, but with Vikki it’s all about her problems. And usually the problems involve men, and that makes it even more difficult to treat seriously. Especially since she’s drop-dead gorgeous.
But it’s more than me not taking the subject matter of her problems seriously. I realize problems are subjective things. There is no gauge but our own feelings to determine the depth of our problems. There is no way to diminish problems by comparing them to problems that are “more serious”. What’s important is how Vikki feels about them and the impact they have on her. So why do I do it?
We were on the phone talking about her problems and I could sense the gravity with which she felt them, but I couldn’t treat them seriously the way I would have treated other peoples’ problems. For some reason, there was always a humorous aspect creeping in. It was in the way she attached to her problems, they took on a “divinely comic” quality. It was as if god was trying to lead her to a solution. God had given her a perfect set up to learn something and all she could do is attach to the problem, and the solution being so clear, it was funny the way she would just attach to the problem.
Wednesday, April 15, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
I’m still not convinced. Nothing has really changed and I can easily see a repetition of the problems between us. We don’t communicate. We’re courteous and polite and we step on eggshells and landmines, but we don’t communicate. I’m not able to do anything for her and it’s starting to have an effect on me. It’s making me feel bad and I still feel taken for granted and that me and my space are not being respected.
What am I dong? Everyone else in her life is so much better for her than me. She appears to have more fun with them and her relationships with them seem much more rewarding and fulfilling. With me, there’s tension, friction, isolation, and emptiness. Why is this happening, why is it happening to me? How could I have brought this into my life? Instant karmic retribution for what happened last semester with Hiromi? This is ludicrous and it has to end.
What am I dong? Everyone else in her life is so much better for her than me. She appears to have more fun with them and her relationships with them seem much more rewarding and fulfilling. With me, there’s tension, friction, isolation, and emptiness. Why is this happening, why is it happening to me? How could I have brought this into my life? Instant karmic retribution for what happened last semester with Hiromi? This is ludicrous and it has to end.
Monday, April 13, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Luyen wants back in already. She doesn’t feel accountable for what she did or said. She explained herself minimally at best. No good. I was willing to let dead dogs lie and she hasn’t said anything to convince me that the dog is alive. It’s just that we haven’t been able to prove that we can communicate or understand each other. We haven’t proven that we’re compatible. Steps will only be taken very, very slowly.
Saturday, April 11, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Who am I fooling? I’ve been running the break-up scenario through my head and I can’t deny that it must have been what I wanted. If I really wanted to continue the relationship, I could have easily assuaged her and comforted her and assured her that I was right there with her. I didn’t. I DIDN’T. She was leaving and I opened the door for her.
Luyen never really pulled me in close. She never endeared herself to me. She never set my heart fluttering. She just sort of expected love unconditionally on the basis of our bonding last semester. And last semester is soured by the fact that my relationship with Hiromi suffered because of her. Our relationship was only possible if Hiromi and I broke up. Hiromi and I weren’t meant for each other, there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship, but she didn’t deserve to feel pushed out by another woman.
It’s hard because I see so much of what I went through in what Luyen is going through now. But I’m not her and she is not me. I failed to even help her with my past experience. But that’s the point of this path. She won’t go through the self-realizations my problems brought to me. She won’t be self-deprecating in positive ways or self-critical to understand herself and others. She’s on her own path and I can only wish her luck. I failed, but that’s not a reflection of my abilities or character.
I wrote a letter to Amina after breaking up with Luyen and she was prompt in her reply. I got really personal and she was aloof at best. So she wasn’t much of a friend after all. All that I thought was intimacy was my own imagination. All that I thought was meaningful was my own creation. She helped me bring a lot out of myself and I kind of wish she had more to do with it than bring it out. I’d like to think that she put something in my life. No. She would have nothing to do with my life. She just goes about on her way and influences me and can’t be bothered.
Luyen never really pulled me in close. She never endeared herself to me. She never set my heart fluttering. She just sort of expected love unconditionally on the basis of our bonding last semester. And last semester is soured by the fact that my relationship with Hiromi suffered because of her. Our relationship was only possible if Hiromi and I broke up. Hiromi and I weren’t meant for each other, there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship, but she didn’t deserve to feel pushed out by another woman.
It’s hard because I see so much of what I went through in what Luyen is going through now. But I’m not her and she is not me. I failed to even help her with my past experience. But that’s the point of this path. She won’t go through the self-realizations my problems brought to me. She won’t be self-deprecating in positive ways or self-critical to understand herself and others. She’s on her own path and I can only wish her luck. I failed, but that’s not a reflection of my abilities or character.
I wrote a letter to Amina after breaking up with Luyen and she was prompt in her reply. I got really personal and she was aloof at best. So she wasn’t much of a friend after all. All that I thought was intimacy was my own imagination. All that I thought was meaningful was my own creation. She helped me bring a lot out of myself and I kind of wish she had more to do with it than bring it out. I’d like to think that she put something in my life. No. She would have nothing to do with my life. She just goes about on her way and influences me and can’t be bothered.
Friday, April 10, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Luyen and I broke up for the last time last night. I graduate next month and I see no life for this relationship after that. There is no point to getting back together anymore. It’s moot. We were hurting each other, we weren’t making sense of anything. So last night, in the heat of a fight I told her that if she left, not to come back. She muttered something about trusting her angel and left. I’m not sure what to make of that. I regret discussing angels with her at all. I don’t know if she gets it, but if her leaving was guided, who am I to argue?
Wednesday, April 08, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Luyen’s gone too far. We had been getting along fairly well, doing things together, talking relatively openly, having an OK time in general. But once the bottom falls out, it feels like I’ve been taking a beating from her. My personal time and space feels sacrificed and abused and I was left feeling very vulnerable.
In retrospect, I can deal with feeling taken for granted and used, these things can be resolved, but I couldn’t take the game playing and mind tests. When she expects me to figure out that something is wrong, figure out what is wrong, and then approach her about it, that’s more than I can deal with. When she gives no clues, doesn’t reach out at all, remains cold and aloof, and takes it out on me when I don’t do what she wants me to do, forget it.
I used to be like that years ago, but no one was stupid enough to get close enough to me to be the target of blame when things didn’t go my way. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, and maybe that isolation helped me get out of it with my self-esteem intact and whatever humility I was fortunate enough to get. I had to deal with it all inside my head.
Blame is a difficult sentiment to control, it comes up naturally when people feel hurt. Luyen can say that she won’t blame me, but it’s hard to put much faith in that statement. I didn’t have enough patience. I didn’t ease her pain. I didn’t understand her problems enough. I didn’t try. I wasn’t there when she needed me. I didn’t care when she called for help.
The world doesn’t revolve around her. I don’t have the time or space to commune with her like birds. I can’t become her or be her to the point that I’m in tune with all her feelings and problems.
In retrospect, I can deal with feeling taken for granted and used, these things can be resolved, but I couldn’t take the game playing and mind tests. When she expects me to figure out that something is wrong, figure out what is wrong, and then approach her about it, that’s more than I can deal with. When she gives no clues, doesn’t reach out at all, remains cold and aloof, and takes it out on me when I don’t do what she wants me to do, forget it.
I used to be like that years ago, but no one was stupid enough to get close enough to me to be the target of blame when things didn’t go my way. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, and maybe that isolation helped me get out of it with my self-esteem intact and whatever humility I was fortunate enough to get. I had to deal with it all inside my head.
Blame is a difficult sentiment to control, it comes up naturally when people feel hurt. Luyen can say that she won’t blame me, but it’s hard to put much faith in that statement. I didn’t have enough patience. I didn’t ease her pain. I didn’t understand her problems enough. I didn’t try. I wasn’t there when she needed me. I didn’t care when she called for help.
The world doesn’t revolve around her. I don’t have the time or space to commune with her like birds. I can’t become her or be her to the point that I’m in tune with all her feelings and problems.
Thursday, April 02, 1992
224 College St., Oberlin
Good-Evil. Heaven-Hell. God-Satan. On the day of judgment, supposedly the Truth will be revealed. Those revealed of lawlessness will be of Satan. Those of faith will belong to God. But Truth is beyond the moral pronouncements we as humans put on good and evil. If someone hasn’t earned Heaven’s “grace”, if that person is b-b-b-bad to the bone, presumably that is the Truth. Can Truth be morally wrong? If it is revealed that a person is evil and of Satan, and that is Truth, there can’t be anything wrong with that.
What is “good” is defined by human ethics, morals, and projections. Do I strive to be good, or do I strive for Truth? How many years ago was it that I said to myself ‘above all, truth’? Being true to one’s nature is much more important than being good, merely good. Not that everyone should strive towards being true to their own nature. I’m not sure how much my human moral projections are showing, but I’m not ready to make the leap of faith to sanction people who are evil in nature to act out their own nature. I don’t think I understand all this well enough.
I do know that if I was revealed to be of Satan and it turned out that I am evil, that revelation wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t start being “evil” just because it was revealed that I am evil. It would mean that my behavior already is evil.
What is “good” is defined by human ethics, morals, and projections. Do I strive to be good, or do I strive for Truth? How many years ago was it that I said to myself ‘above all, truth’? Being true to one’s nature is much more important than being good, merely good. Not that everyone should strive towards being true to their own nature. I’m not sure how much my human moral projections are showing, but I’m not ready to make the leap of faith to sanction people who are evil in nature to act out their own nature. I don’t think I understand all this well enough.
I do know that if I was revealed to be of Satan and it turned out that I am evil, that revelation wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t start being “evil” just because it was revealed that I am evil. It would mean that my behavior already is evil.
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