1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Does anyone mean anything to me anymore? I don’t think so, I’m numb to feeling that there is any deep meaning to my friendships and acquaintances. Even Josephine, as attached as I am to her, and as fondly as I remember her, I’m pressed to find the meaning in that relationship that compares to the friendships and relationships that I had in my 20's. Even my re-acquaintances with Vikki and Frances lack what they used to have.

I struggle to think what it means to have someone mean something to me. I can’t imagine meeting someone or getting into a relationship and touching that feeling again. Maybe I’m done with it, like I’m done with relationships and falling in love. Just part of the series of plateaus that indicate I’m in the twilight of my life.

I had a conversation with Lisa earlier this week down at the studio. We went down even though Chris is out of town. We talked about personal stuff, but there was no bonding. It didn’t have any meaning, there were no meaningful connections made.

I have a considerable doubt about my thinking and feeling these days. Hmm, when I put it that way it doesn’t sound so bad; that’s the way it should be. I don’t want to be definite about anything, but I think having a job kinda makes me take the world a little bit more literally and my role in it a little bit more seriously.

There’s a tension in my life now between knowing and not knowing and belonging and not belonging. Actually, all opposites regarding reality and existence are coming into tensions with each other.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Closing out the fourth week of work. Everything has changed, I’m changing. I’m losing myself.

I work on the 13th floor of a building in the Financial District. It’s a corporate law firm that takes the entire floor and also has space on other floors. Windows encircle the entire floor, fluorescent lights bright. I work in a cubicle with three other legal assistants in cubicles in my immediate area. Ritu’s office is pretty close.

It’s a pretty relaxed atmosphere and the people are cool for a corporate law firm. It’s not uptight at all. I bike to work and I bike during my lunch hour, which I usually spend away from office and fellow workers.

It’s more than bearable. It’s not my realm, it’s not what’s important, so I don’t have many feelings about it. It pays bills and I’m just glad for the job.

Fiction is auditioning drummers, but we’ve also started a side project which I’m kinda more into than Fiction. Lisa’s on bass and I play drums, and the idea is that it’s fun and anything goes. No mulling over trying to find perfect parts or over-analyzing and calculating what we’re doing. It’s about coming up with songs and just playing them how we want to. Chris is contributing and his songs are really good, very aggressive and energetic. Lisa’s a competent bass player and she comes up with parts that are perfect for this type of music. My drumming is primal and aggressive. It’s fun.