1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I don’t have any friends. Friends are people who are there when the bottom drops out, and I realize that when my world starts to collapse, none of these people are going to be there. There is no one in my life that I can count on. I have co-workers, bandmates, and housemates. Would any of them be a friend if they weren’t a co-worker, bandmate, or housemate?

I am starting to burn out at work and it’s nothing like I thought it would be. I thought I’d approached burning out before, but it was different before, I was still able to function. That wasn’t burning out, that was frustration and tension; that was hating my job. Now I’m really burning out. There’s a point in the day after which I can’t function anymore, I’m just despondent. I can’t focus; I’ll have five different things on my desk and I can’t get any of them done. I start working on one thing, then I look over at another thing, get distracted and start working on that thing, and I end up getting nothing done. I’m going to call in sick on Friday. Maybe Monday, too.

I need to keep the end of my life in mind, too. I’m supposed to be in my twilight years, not languishing in a dead-end job, doing something I really don’t care for. I’m giving the band a chance, but for how long? Am I clear on what I want out of it in the remaining time I have left? Play gigs? Expression? I’m really not that sure.

I need to calm my mind and not be a part of this world. I need to sit and concentrate, focus on what’s important. I have to remember that dying can’t be a plan. It has to be something I just do, and I have to be completely clear leading up to that point. At this rate, I’m never going to have that clarity. My life is completely clouded and fogged in.

Josefa's Birthday

We tried to have as much fun as possible in those days. We were a good team back then, before the changes.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

These people around me, what are they doing here? Do I have anything to learn from them? Maybe they’re giving me a hint as to what I think is special in a person? Not even for a relationship, just an intimate; a connection.

As for a relationship, at the first mention of other people they’re interested in, it’s automatic - any interest I may have had is gone. I learned from Amina and Shiho never to be someone’s second choice. I’m much too good for that. Even I know that.

I want someone who is passionate about something; motivated and driven and has the clarity to pursue it and is not encumbered by their own fucked up past. I want someone who has struggled and grappled with something but has risen above it.

Hmm, Josephine actually fits that criteria. I don’t know what she was passionate about, but she was about something. I could tell it was there when she laughed; the way she got excited about things. I don’t want someone who is cynical and bored. Too many people around me are cynical and/or bored. Including me.

I don’t want someone with whom I can’t reach any depth in conversations. Recognition and appreciation of one another’s depth is necessary. I can’t even remember the last time I had a conversation that had any depth to it.

I don’t want someone with defenses up. I want someone who sets their sight on me and goes for it and wants to figure out what I’m about. That’s actually really hard because there isn’t a lot attractive about me on the surface to make anyone want to delve further. She has to not be afraid of what I really am.

Politics aren’t too, too important. I’m actually willing to give lots of leeway in regards to politics, but to the extent that they help shape perspectives in general, they have a baseline significance. And the lack of any political awareness in regards to race is intolerable.

I don’t want someone with a lot of anger bottled up inside.

Obviously, this is all to say, I don't want anyone.

The Stork Club gig, Oakland, CA

By the time we played, it was after midnight.