Friday, February 05, 1993
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
It was just last month that I was wondering what a horrible situation it would be if I found that Amina was in love with me and wanted something from me. It turns out that she is in love with me and does want something from me. And it was just last month that I decided that if it came to that, Shiho’s happiness would take precedence. And here I am with Amina and I’m elated. No matter what my intention, if Amina pushes for something, she’ll get it. I just love her too much and always have. In the sea of love, the water encompasses me and fills every part of my being, entering me, drowning me, smothering me, and I don’t struggle. I give in.
Wednesday, February 03, 1993
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
I spent another two weeks with Amina in Oberlin and it was just wonderful and amazing. And she is in love with me and does want to marry me. She is everything to me. There are times I think about commitment and I balk, but when I see Amina’s face, her smile, all that she is to me, us together, then I’m completely sure. It’s so overwhelming, what I’ve wanted all along.
She actually drove out here with Waleed, since he was visiting people on the East Coast, before we drove back to Oberlin together. It was funny, they arrived on Saturday morning and the ‘rents were at the office. I expected the ‘rents to return shortly, so I described to them exactly what to expect. I said that when they showed up, they would acknowledge them with surprise and a big, fake smile and say “hi, how are you?” after I told them who they were. Then they would turn their attention to me and say something about lunch to prove that there is communication, and then they would disappear upstairs and they wouldn’t see any more of them. They were amused by the description, but then they were appalled when it was exactly what happened.
And Shiho? God, I hate to say it, but in the shadow of Amina, she is fading fast. When I got back from Oberlin, she had sent a tape-letter, like we used to send to each other, and it just feels like it would never work between us. Logistically, a relationship is impossible as long as her parents have major control over her life decisions and she doesn’t have the freedom to resist them. She even mentioned again how strict her parents are as if to hammer the point home.
I don’t think I’m cheating on Shiho. I don’t think our relationship is realistic. She mentioned she couldn’t get out of Tokyo for another two years, much less get out of the influence of her parents, much less spend time with me to build a relationship. Amina is not only right now, but she always has been. Shiho was something that happened in a last moment of desperation. There is no wrong being done against Shiho. Right now it may seem like it because Amina and I are happening before Shiho and I have officially called it off, but in a half year’s time, it won’t make a difference. The realities will become clear eventually.
She actually drove out here with Waleed, since he was visiting people on the East Coast, before we drove back to Oberlin together. It was funny, they arrived on Saturday morning and the ‘rents were at the office. I expected the ‘rents to return shortly, so I described to them exactly what to expect. I said that when they showed up, they would acknowledge them with surprise and a big, fake smile and say “hi, how are you?” after I told them who they were. Then they would turn their attention to me and say something about lunch to prove that there is communication, and then they would disappear upstairs and they wouldn’t see any more of them. They were amused by the description, but then they were appalled when it was exactly what happened.
And Shiho? God, I hate to say it, but in the shadow of Amina, she is fading fast. When I got back from Oberlin, she had sent a tape-letter, like we used to send to each other, and it just feels like it would never work between us. Logistically, a relationship is impossible as long as her parents have major control over her life decisions and she doesn’t have the freedom to resist them. She even mentioned again how strict her parents are as if to hammer the point home.
I don’t think I’m cheating on Shiho. I don’t think our relationship is realistic. She mentioned she couldn’t get out of Tokyo for another two years, much less get out of the influence of her parents, much less spend time with me to build a relationship. Amina is not only right now, but she always has been. Shiho was something that happened in a last moment of desperation. There is no wrong being done against Shiho. Right now it may seem like it because Amina and I are happening before Shiho and I have officially called it off, but in a half year’s time, it won’t make a difference. The realities will become clear eventually.
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