It’s the same pattern. It’s my fault, I know. I pull someone in as hard and as close as possible, but when it gets too close and expectations change, I bail. There’s nothing wrong with Sakuko. The faults I find are perfectly human, I make them into something huge and unacceptable. I don’t know why.
What am I learning from all this? Why am I so stupid? Couldn’t I have foreseen this? Why do I do what I do? We didn’t really connect, even in the beginning. It was just attraction, nothing special, a decision perhaps more of the mind than the heart. I never sensed that she was interested in my life or aware of my situations. Her attention was so much on superficial things, not substantive things.
I don’t want my life just to be ordinary, conforming to social molds. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I don’t want to live life just to live it, I want to get something out of it, it has to have meaning and connection. I want to explore and enrich my life and that includes the people I’m close to.
What a myth! I’m my own myth. I grew up thinking that I’m special. My parents’ neglect didn’t bring me down in my eyes, it lifted me up. I’m a survivor. I compensated for my parents’ treatment and built my own pride and survived by maintaining a high self-esteem.
But I’m so ordinary, I can’t do anything well, I can’t make anything work. I’m nothing, a loser by my own assessment. The irony is that to survive, I perpetuated an illusion. To survive I needed something I can’t live with. I have to deconstruct myself.
It’s done. It couldn’t have been more painful. I have no idea where my life is going. I’m lost, comfortably numb, crazy. I think I want to be alone. Just for several years.
That’s it, the end, goodbye Sakuko.
