Showing posts with label Shiho. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shiho. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 07, 2000
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
Shiho turned 32 today. It seems so young, but Shiho gaining a year has always signaled to me that I would soon follow. I will soon be 32 and I don't like it, even with my end-age set at 34. Why not 32? Why not 31? What am I living for? Why do I continue? I have not a single good reason. All I'm doing at this point is giving music a try, but there's a limit to how long I'll give it a chance. And I'm not talking about years. I don't fancy turning 32, it's too old. I can't bear this existence anymore, I don't like being in this skin, I don't like the energy in the emotions, I don't like the feel of reality, I never have. I need to get out of this. No one here gets out alive. I don't want to get out alive, I just want to get out.
Thursday, July 27, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
No one I know knows about my past. I mention to people how my goal is to not live past 34 and no one knows anything about that or where that comes from.
I have no connection to my past. I don't have a past to connect to. I don't know where this thought is coming from. The only remnant I have from high school is Liz. Very odd. She's an old friend and acquaintance now. It's like we never went out. I don't think of her as an ex-girlfriend at all. The only emotional remnant I have of high school is Shiho and I lost that connection a long time ago.
I think back to the years in high school with Shiho. I think of her house in Fort Lee. I try to see what I remember. I remember the basement where we mostly hung out. The color of the room, watching MTV. The stairs that led upstairs. At the top of the stairs, turn left and it's the kitchen. Turn right and there's a hall, her room was just to the right, the living room was left from there. We were teenagers. There was one time that her mom came home and was furious that we were hanging out in her room. She shouldn't have been bringing boys into her private place. But that's where she wanted me. I didn't appreciate her until almost ten years later when it was too late.
I have no connection to my past. I don't have a past to connect to. I don't know where this thought is coming from. The only remnant I have from high school is Liz. Very odd. She's an old friend and acquaintance now. It's like we never went out. I don't think of her as an ex-girlfriend at all. The only emotional remnant I have of high school is Shiho and I lost that connection a long time ago.
I think back to the years in high school with Shiho. I think of her house in Fort Lee. I try to see what I remember. I remember the basement where we mostly hung out. The color of the room, watching MTV. The stairs that led upstairs. At the top of the stairs, turn left and it's the kitchen. Turn right and there's a hall, her room was just to the right, the living room was left from there. We were teenagers. There was one time that her mom came home and was furious that we were hanging out in her room. She shouldn't have been bringing boys into her private place. But that's where she wanted me. I didn't appreciate her until almost ten years later when it was too late.
Monday, July 03, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I had another dream with Josephine, and this time it was clearly my idealized Josephine. The dream was a re-enactment of one of our typical mornings when I used to be up before her and then wake her up later. Those were always endearing times as they happened, but my feeling now about our entire relationship is that there was always tension and I was always self-conscious of my actions and trying not to set her off, basically walking on eggshells all the time. In the dream, there was none of that, it was just that pure feeling of endearment.
God, how I loved that woman. Why do I not think of her as one of the loves of my life? No, I don't, because she wasn't. The love of my life was Amina. Shiho also may have been a love of my life. But not Josephine. I'm not sure why, I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything that any of them were or are. Amina was a total creation, when I really dig down and look at the facts, Amina was nothing special. I have no idea why she holds such a special place in my heart. My only conclusion is that it has nothing to do with the person Amina, but my conception of her. Same with Shiho. But putting it that way, why not Josephine? I have retained more delightful, endearing memories of Josephine than Shiho and Amina combined.
God, how I loved that woman. Why do I not think of her as one of the loves of my life? No, I don't, because she wasn't. The love of my life was Amina. Shiho also may have been a love of my life. But not Josephine. I'm not sure why, I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything that any of them were or are. Amina was a total creation, when I really dig down and look at the facts, Amina was nothing special. I have no idea why she holds such a special place in my heart. My only conclusion is that it has nothing to do with the person Amina, but my conception of her. Same with Shiho. But putting it that way, why not Josephine? I have retained more delightful, endearing memories of Josephine than Shiho and Amina combined.
Friday, April 30, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
April 28-30, 1999
This journal is almost over, I started it on April 30, 1989 and I think ten years is a nice neat time period for it to cover. What comes next I have no idea. The decade of my 20's behind me, starting my 30's, still not wanting to live much longer than that, if that at all.
Behind me are Oberlin, Amina, Josephine, Shiho, Japan, law school, international travel, hatred of parents, and first stage spiritual growth. My whole past life is behind me. It feels like the things that were fleeting and impermanent have come and gone, and now whatever comes has to have some meaning, some tangibility and permanence. Do my 30's need to be more concrete? It feels that way, but really it never works out that way, but if things are exactly like they were in my 20's, what’s the point?
I had some closure with Amina. Oberlin has an “on-line community” for alumni now and once you register, you can look people up and find out their latest information, and I found out that she’s living in Chicago now and is still married to Waldo. Just seeing that concrete information settled some of whatever dust is still lingering. And there isn’t much, it’s just that the memory of her and loving her so dearly has become so much a part of me. As I’ve noted before, it has nothing to do with who she is or where she is now.
I remember tender moments of our friendship. At the end of the semester that we met, we were walking back to my apartment from Third World House where we had said goodbye to Jenny for the Summer. It was a warm May night and Amina slipped her arm in mine. At the airport the next day I hugged her at the gate and felt that I couldn’t let go of her, and I never did. That entire semester getting to know her was golden. The first time I saw her I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Love at first sight in the lobby of Third World House, fluorescent lighting, Amina in profile as she walked by.
At the beginning of our acquaintance, in fact just a few days after I had engineered meeting her at Third World House dining hall, I remember her calling from behind as I was walking to Third World House after a class for lunch. I was so happy to see her, so happy that she had called out, so happy that she remembered me, so happy that she was taking the same class I was coming from, and so happy that we were going to lunch together.
I remember at the end of that semester we were studying for the final for that class in her dorm room. It was getting later and later and our concentration on the subject matter was waning. When she was falling asleep I said that I should probably get going, she said, “no.” It was so sweet, and we fell asleep where we were and when I woke up she had already left for class.
She went back to Pakistan that Summer and she did her Fall semester in Dublin. I borrowed Nobuko’s car to pick her up from the Amtrak station in Elyria when she returned for Winter Term in January, I remember how cold it was and the anticipation of seeing Amina again. I remember my heart skipping beats when she got off the train.
We had harder times that Spring semester because of tensions between us. I moved to an off-campus apartment at the end of Winter Term, I remember Amina coming over to help me clean it, it was her that made it feel like home. I remember her room in Old Barrows that she shared with Sunita and someone else. I remember that she had a place in Mudd Library, second floor I think, where she always went to study, where I would always look to find her, where she would be if she wanted me to find her.
The only extant photograph I have of Amina is from Mayfair, when the Can Consortium played in front of Finney Chapel. She and a bunch of friends came out to see the gig. I remember that day through that photograph.
After I graduated I was going to Japan and I stopped to see her in Chicago on my way there. What I remember is mostly from photographs that I remember. I don’t have them anymore, but I remember the images. And through them I remember some of the moments. The flour fight, irreverently lying on a kitchen counter, the red car with a phone that belonged to the family she was staying with – the woman of the house being Amina’s mother’s schoolmate way back when.
After I returned to the US, I drove out to Oberlin to visit her and then we went to Chicago together to visit Pasha. I remember a night that we were sleeping on Pasha’s floor, our heads were close, our hands touched. I remember back at Oberlin, we were staying at Madoka’s and Vikki’s house until the dorms opened, that’s when and where it happened. What I remember is waking up kissing her, and it crossed my mind that it was impossible and at any moment she was going to wake up and that would be the end of that. But she was awake and she was kissing me back.
Those weeks of Winter Term were the height of our romance and it was all downhill from there. Looking back it ended just as soon as it began. It was a long distance relationship through the semester and I was struggling with my home relationship and figuring out what I was supposed to do next. We spent the summer together and we had a rough time. It was enough for me to be with the woman I loved, but it wasn’t enough for her. After the summer I drove out to California alone, and we tried to revive our long distance relationship, but by year’s end it was over.
But if I were able to re-live one part or aspect of any relationship, it wouldn’t be any part of the relationship with Amina. It would be during the semester that Amina was away in Dublin when I went out briefly with Hiromi. I was forcing myself to accept that Amina had a boyfriend and we would only remain friends. So I certainly wasn’t disappointed when I learned that Hiromi was moving into Third World House. I remember having seen Hiromi on campus the semester before and being smitten by her.
I used Japanese lessons as a subtext to meet and get to know her better. I remember early attempts at lessons in my room. We just started hanging out together more and more, I think. I remember meeting her and hanging out with her in the language lab in King where she worked. I remember her coming to my room for coffee. Often. I remember an incredible sweetness and tenderness between us. I don’t remember when we first started going out, I do remember that she slept over but we never had sex. I remember her stopping by in my room late one night after I had gotten back from a Can gig that was down near Columbus. I had laundry to do and she ate an avocado or something. I remember she stopped by my room often when she was leaving or returning to the dorm because I kept my door open almost all the time that semester.
I remember the signs of the demise of our relationship. I remember the lack of communication, empathy, or connection. I remember one time we were making out in my room and my black Guild 12-string got knocked over and broke at the headstock. I adored her, but we just weren’t right for each other. We distanced from each other and we didn’t communicate what was happening, so we didn’t work it out.
Shiho was another girlfriend whose memories have left their mark. It’s been almost three years since our last contact. She’s probably married now and may have kids. But the memories I have are not from the past decade, but from our high school years together. She should have been my high school sweetheart, I was just too stupid to realize what a great person and woman she was.
All through high school I denied that she had feelings for me. Everyone else saw it, some tried to tell me. But there were things that bugged me about her and so I made sure we just stayed friends. I was carrying a torch for someone else. That’s right. I didn’t love Shiho in high school. It’s not that I was missing something amazing that was right before my eyes. What was right before my eyes I didn’t love and I had specific reasons for not wanting to go out with her.
But it’s not that I didn’t love her. Why did we start going out two weeks before she left for Japan? I don’t remember what my feelings were, what we were doing. I don’t remember our first kiss, but I think it came as a big, uncomfortable surprise to me, quickly followed by the grief and sadness realizing she was about to leave. Did we make the most of those last two weeks? I don’t remember. It was the beginning of a very dark period in my life. I still have the cassette recorded letters that she sent me after she returned to Japan. I like to think that she still has the ones I sent her.
When I saw her next after I graduated from Oberlin, that’s when the seeds for falling in love with her were planted. After going through so many changes, seeing her in the flesh, as a relic from before those changes, being amazed that she was sitting before me and we had these old, real memories, made her real to me; made me realize that she was a special person to me. But Amina prevented anything from being maintained.
Only the next time I saw her, after Amina was out of the picture, during law school, that my love for completely blew wide open. And it didn’t last long. I felt betrayed. I felt that she betrayed me. I shouldn’t wonder – maybe Shiho is the story of my life.
<fin>
This journal is almost over, I started it on April 30, 1989 and I think ten years is a nice neat time period for it to cover. What comes next I have no idea. The decade of my 20's behind me, starting my 30's, still not wanting to live much longer than that, if that at all.
Behind me are Oberlin, Amina, Josephine, Shiho, Japan, law school, international travel, hatred of parents, and first stage spiritual growth. My whole past life is behind me. It feels like the things that were fleeting and impermanent have come and gone, and now whatever comes has to have some meaning, some tangibility and permanence. Do my 30's need to be more concrete? It feels that way, but really it never works out that way, but if things are exactly like they were in my 20's, what’s the point?
I had some closure with Amina. Oberlin has an “on-line community” for alumni now and once you register, you can look people up and find out their latest information, and I found out that she’s living in Chicago now and is still married to Waldo. Just seeing that concrete information settled some of whatever dust is still lingering. And there isn’t much, it’s just that the memory of her and loving her so dearly has become so much a part of me. As I’ve noted before, it has nothing to do with who she is or where she is now.
I remember tender moments of our friendship. At the end of the semester that we met, we were walking back to my apartment from Third World House where we had said goodbye to Jenny for the Summer. It was a warm May night and Amina slipped her arm in mine. At the airport the next day I hugged her at the gate and felt that I couldn’t let go of her, and I never did. That entire semester getting to know her was golden. The first time I saw her I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Love at first sight in the lobby of Third World House, fluorescent lighting, Amina in profile as she walked by.
At the beginning of our acquaintance, in fact just a few days after I had engineered meeting her at Third World House dining hall, I remember her calling from behind as I was walking to Third World House after a class for lunch. I was so happy to see her, so happy that she had called out, so happy that she remembered me, so happy that she was taking the same class I was coming from, and so happy that we were going to lunch together.
I remember at the end of that semester we were studying for the final for that class in her dorm room. It was getting later and later and our concentration on the subject matter was waning. When she was falling asleep I said that I should probably get going, she said, “no.” It was so sweet, and we fell asleep where we were and when I woke up she had already left for class.
She went back to Pakistan that Summer and she did her Fall semester in Dublin. I borrowed Nobuko’s car to pick her up from the Amtrak station in Elyria when she returned for Winter Term in January, I remember how cold it was and the anticipation of seeing Amina again. I remember my heart skipping beats when she got off the train.
We had harder times that Spring semester because of tensions between us. I moved to an off-campus apartment at the end of Winter Term, I remember Amina coming over to help me clean it, it was her that made it feel like home. I remember her room in Old Barrows that she shared with Sunita and someone else. I remember that she had a place in Mudd Library, second floor I think, where she always went to study, where I would always look to find her, where she would be if she wanted me to find her.
The only extant photograph I have of Amina is from Mayfair, when the Can Consortium played in front of Finney Chapel. She and a bunch of friends came out to see the gig. I remember that day through that photograph.
After I graduated I was going to Japan and I stopped to see her in Chicago on my way there. What I remember is mostly from photographs that I remember. I don’t have them anymore, but I remember the images. And through them I remember some of the moments. The flour fight, irreverently lying on a kitchen counter, the red car with a phone that belonged to the family she was staying with – the woman of the house being Amina’s mother’s schoolmate way back when.
After I returned to the US, I drove out to Oberlin to visit her and then we went to Chicago together to visit Pasha. I remember a night that we were sleeping on Pasha’s floor, our heads were close, our hands touched. I remember back at Oberlin, we were staying at Madoka’s and Vikki’s house until the dorms opened, that’s when and where it happened. What I remember is waking up kissing her, and it crossed my mind that it was impossible and at any moment she was going to wake up and that would be the end of that. But she was awake and she was kissing me back.
Those weeks of Winter Term were the height of our romance and it was all downhill from there. Looking back it ended just as soon as it began. It was a long distance relationship through the semester and I was struggling with my home relationship and figuring out what I was supposed to do next. We spent the summer together and we had a rough time. It was enough for me to be with the woman I loved, but it wasn’t enough for her. After the summer I drove out to California alone, and we tried to revive our long distance relationship, but by year’s end it was over.
But if I were able to re-live one part or aspect of any relationship, it wouldn’t be any part of the relationship with Amina. It would be during the semester that Amina was away in Dublin when I went out briefly with Hiromi. I was forcing myself to accept that Amina had a boyfriend and we would only remain friends. So I certainly wasn’t disappointed when I learned that Hiromi was moving into Third World House. I remember having seen Hiromi on campus the semester before and being smitten by her.
I used Japanese lessons as a subtext to meet and get to know her better. I remember early attempts at lessons in my room. We just started hanging out together more and more, I think. I remember meeting her and hanging out with her in the language lab in King where she worked. I remember her coming to my room for coffee. Often. I remember an incredible sweetness and tenderness between us. I don’t remember when we first started going out, I do remember that she slept over but we never had sex. I remember her stopping by in my room late one night after I had gotten back from a Can gig that was down near Columbus. I had laundry to do and she ate an avocado or something. I remember she stopped by my room often when she was leaving or returning to the dorm because I kept my door open almost all the time that semester.
I remember the signs of the demise of our relationship. I remember the lack of communication, empathy, or connection. I remember one time we were making out in my room and my black Guild 12-string got knocked over and broke at the headstock. I adored her, but we just weren’t right for each other. We distanced from each other and we didn’t communicate what was happening, so we didn’t work it out.
Shiho was another girlfriend whose memories have left their mark. It’s been almost three years since our last contact. She’s probably married now and may have kids. But the memories I have are not from the past decade, but from our high school years together. She should have been my high school sweetheart, I was just too stupid to realize what a great person and woman she was.
All through high school I denied that she had feelings for me. Everyone else saw it, some tried to tell me. But there were things that bugged me about her and so I made sure we just stayed friends. I was carrying a torch for someone else. That’s right. I didn’t love Shiho in high school. It’s not that I was missing something amazing that was right before my eyes. What was right before my eyes I didn’t love and I had specific reasons for not wanting to go out with her.
But it’s not that I didn’t love her. Why did we start going out two weeks before she left for Japan? I don’t remember what my feelings were, what we were doing. I don’t remember our first kiss, but I think it came as a big, uncomfortable surprise to me, quickly followed by the grief and sadness realizing she was about to leave. Did we make the most of those last two weeks? I don’t remember. It was the beginning of a very dark period in my life. I still have the cassette recorded letters that she sent me after she returned to Japan. I like to think that she still has the ones I sent her.
When I saw her next after I graduated from Oberlin, that’s when the seeds for falling in love with her were planted. After going through so many changes, seeing her in the flesh, as a relic from before those changes, being amazed that she was sitting before me and we had these old, real memories, made her real to me; made me realize that she was a special person to me. But Amina prevented anything from being maintained.
Only the next time I saw her, after Amina was out of the picture, during law school, that my love for completely blew wide open. And it didn’t last long. I felt betrayed. I felt that she betrayed me. I shouldn’t wonder – maybe Shiho is the story of my life.
<
Thursday, February 29, 1996
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
February 1996
I want to die this year. Forget everything I said about it being my life goal to simply not kill myself. It's not going to happen. I've made my decision and I'm going to carry it out this year. The projected date at this point is sometime in April. I don't like things around my neck, so I cut off all the collars on my shirts. I probably swung. Fear of heights, I probably jumped. The cutting, I slashed my wrists. I have no idea where the arachnophobia comes from. Maybe I just don't like spiders. I have nothing about water. I used to dehydrate easily, but I don't see how that fits in. I am Aquarius. Maybe this time I'll satisfy this allure towards water.
I stopped drinking at the beginning of the year. Occasionally I’ll have a shot of something, but the constant drinking is over. I went from more than a bottle a week for I don't know how many years to less than one in almost two months. Not a single person has noticed any difference. People who wondered if I was alcoholic, they can't tell the difference between when I've been drinking or when I'm sober. So what gave them the right to call me an alcoholic?
Cat's my closest friend now. I only trust her because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't show me her true self and she always has a front up - defenses. So we get along just fine. She doesn't know me, though. She makes too many wrong assumptions and she sees too much what she wants to see, rather than what I want to show. Is she expendable? I think so. It's only a matter of time, but I genuinely like her a lot and she's the only person I can deal with under any condition these days.
Nobuko and Vikki I no longer consider friends. Housemates. Good housemates, but not friends.
Ana Claire and I have stopped fucking and we don't see much of each other anymore. I guess I got sick of her, her condescension, her arrogance, her pomposity. We may still be friends, who knows? But she's definitely expendable. Less than expandable. Ejectable.
I don't think anyone is not expandable. People are screwed up; disappointments, disillusioning. I'm confounded by humans and the relationships they have. Isn't there anyone out there I can meet who is normal? Who's sane? Even Cat is a furious ball of issues. She thinks I'm up to my ears in issues, and I don't think she thinks that I deal with them.
I've actually been trying to be more forgiving, more understanding, more patient. More from a religious motivation than anything else. Patience and forbearance. Humility, egolessness. I've started with people around me. It's a constant practice to let things go. Frustration, antagonism, let it go. It feels good. It's the martyr in all we religious types, you know?
I will kill myself, but I won't do it angry or sad or with too many relationships and issues unresolved. I want to disappear and I don't want a body found.
Life is art, figuratively and literally. The difference is that we don't know the source material we use to create life. It's imagination. Not everyone has a canvas, or a camera, or a guitar, or pen and paper, but everyone has imagination. Not everyone knows what to do with it.
Affirmation:
I don't deserve to feel the air rushing down my throat and into my lungs, where blood cells deposit carbon dioxide, pick up oxygen, and deliver it around my body to wherever needs it most. I don't deserve to have richly crimson blood running through my veins thick in diligent sustenance of all I do. I don't deserve to have thoughts to think these things and see, hear, sense, touch, taste, smell the world from the confines of this small head and this small body. I don't deserve to be trapped like this.
I don't deserve love, with my rage potential, deft psychological tongue-lashing, sharp skill to hone in on anybody's emotional weaknesses. I don't deserve care, with my general disregard for the value of my own life, inability to support or preserve the things in other people which give my life meaning, inability to nurture, express, give a kind, sincere word to another living breathing human being, one that deserves to live.
I deserve to be on death row, to be put to death by all the people who have even mildly been hurt by me. I deserve lethal injection, gas chamber, electrocution, death by hanging, death by firing squad, death by phaser, death by stoning. I deserve my final meal (lasagna), my last rites, meeting with a pastorpriestspirtualguide...rabbi; guru, master, abbot, monk, nun,...the Pope. A fresh change of clothes. A fresh look on life.
I don't deserve to stand and balance. I deserve to have lots and lots of money. I don't deserve to love the fog, the rain, the sunshine, the mountaintops, the ocean views. I deserve to speak with angels. I don't deserve having to unclog the drain, to dry the carpet from the flooding. I deserve to slash rivers of salt in my sleeves. I don't deserve to sit here and bide my time and let the world go by. I deserve to just sit. I don't deserve tears. I do deserve milk and cookies.
Is my experience really unique? Is there really any difference between what I go through and what anyone else goes through? Or do I overreact to my experience in a way that other people don't? Do other people handle it and deal with it so much better than I do? Am I so dysfunctional and immature in not being able to handle it? Have I not grown at all?
I don't know, I don't have that objectivity. So the best I can do is explain my side and let whoever else cast their own judgments. Why do I need to explain my side and subject myself to judgments? Why not? Because I'm me.
No one can say that I don't try. No one can say that I run away from my fears and problems. I face them and confront them and I fight them if I have to; even if it's a losing battle. I don't create my fears to give myself an excuse to run from something. I balance factors. I assess situations. If I don't feel confident enough about something, I might not pursue it, but if it's something that means something, I won't run away from it.
People get hurt. People get betrayed by people they trust. Why is my experience with Amina and Shiho any different from anybody else's experience of betrayal? Why do I think I'm so special to be able to devalue myself to zero, justifying becoming nothing, just because I wasn't what I thought I was to someone else? Just because someone else wasn't what I thought she was?
Where did I learn to trust? It certainly wasn't from family. Amina was worse than family because I never trusted the 'rents. They could never betray me. Shiho was worse than Amina because at least there was a basis for Amina's betrayal. We had fights, things were going wrong and we weren't able to work things out. I was waiting for some future time to deal with them, but that time never came. It got too bad for her before then. Although I don't even know if our problems were the reason for the betrayal.
But Shiho, none of it was my fault, it was all about her going back to her jerk of an ex-boyfriend. We never fought, I showed her respect and understanding, even when she told me she was considering going back to her ex. I didn't pressure her, I gave her all the room in the world to decide what she felt and what she wanted to do. In return there was nothing, until finally I was wasting my time and knew she wanted to break up but didn't have the guts to do it. So I even did that for her. After that, there was nothing. I have no respect for her now. They belong together.
Is this all enough to value myself at zero? I wasn't even worth an explanation to either of them. No extended discussions, no further clarifications, no later check-in to see how I was doing. Just close the door, nothing ever existed. That is my worth to the people I loved most in my life. Things happened, it's my life, it's my problem, I lived my life and living has it's consequences. If I value my life at zero, so be it, and if I decide to kill my life because it has no value, let it be.
I want to die this year. Forget everything I said about it being my life goal to simply not kill myself. It's not going to happen. I've made my decision and I'm going to carry it out this year. The projected date at this point is sometime in April. I don't like things around my neck, so I cut off all the collars on my shirts. I probably swung. Fear of heights, I probably jumped. The cutting, I slashed my wrists. I have no idea where the arachnophobia comes from. Maybe I just don't like spiders. I have nothing about water. I used to dehydrate easily, but I don't see how that fits in. I am Aquarius. Maybe this time I'll satisfy this allure towards water.
I stopped drinking at the beginning of the year. Occasionally I’ll have a shot of something, but the constant drinking is over. I went from more than a bottle a week for I don't know how many years to less than one in almost two months. Not a single person has noticed any difference. People who wondered if I was alcoholic, they can't tell the difference between when I've been drinking or when I'm sober. So what gave them the right to call me an alcoholic?
Cat's my closest friend now. I only trust her because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't show me her true self and she always has a front up - defenses. So we get along just fine. She doesn't know me, though. She makes too many wrong assumptions and she sees too much what she wants to see, rather than what I want to show. Is she expendable? I think so. It's only a matter of time, but I genuinely like her a lot and she's the only person I can deal with under any condition these days.
Nobuko and Vikki I no longer consider friends. Housemates. Good housemates, but not friends.
Ana Claire and I have stopped fucking and we don't see much of each other anymore. I guess I got sick of her, her condescension, her arrogance, her pomposity. We may still be friends, who knows? But she's definitely expendable. Less than expandable. Ejectable.
I don't think anyone is not expandable. People are screwed up; disappointments, disillusioning. I'm confounded by humans and the relationships they have. Isn't there anyone out there I can meet who is normal? Who's sane? Even Cat is a furious ball of issues. She thinks I'm up to my ears in issues, and I don't think she thinks that I deal with them.
I've actually been trying to be more forgiving, more understanding, more patient. More from a religious motivation than anything else. Patience and forbearance. Humility, egolessness. I've started with people around me. It's a constant practice to let things go. Frustration, antagonism, let it go. It feels good. It's the martyr in all we religious types, you know?
I will kill myself, but I won't do it angry or sad or with too many relationships and issues unresolved. I want to disappear and I don't want a body found.
Life is art, figuratively and literally. The difference is that we don't know the source material we use to create life. It's imagination. Not everyone has a canvas, or a camera, or a guitar, or pen and paper, but everyone has imagination. Not everyone knows what to do with it.
Affirmation:
I don't deserve to feel the air rushing down my throat and into my lungs, where blood cells deposit carbon dioxide, pick up oxygen, and deliver it around my body to wherever needs it most. I don't deserve to have richly crimson blood running through my veins thick in diligent sustenance of all I do. I don't deserve to have thoughts to think these things and see, hear, sense, touch, taste, smell the world from the confines of this small head and this small body. I don't deserve to be trapped like this.
I don't deserve love, with my rage potential, deft psychological tongue-lashing, sharp skill to hone in on anybody's emotional weaknesses. I don't deserve care, with my general disregard for the value of my own life, inability to support or preserve the things in other people which give my life meaning, inability to nurture, express, give a kind, sincere word to another living breathing human being, one that deserves to live.
I deserve to be on death row, to be put to death by all the people who have even mildly been hurt by me. I deserve lethal injection, gas chamber, electrocution, death by hanging, death by firing squad, death by phaser, death by stoning. I deserve my final meal (lasagna), my last rites, meeting with a pastorpriestspirtualguide...rabbi; guru, master, abbot, monk, nun,...the Pope. A fresh change of clothes. A fresh look on life.
I don't deserve to stand and balance. I deserve to have lots and lots of money. I don't deserve to love the fog, the rain, the sunshine, the mountaintops, the ocean views. I deserve to speak with angels. I don't deserve having to unclog the drain, to dry the carpet from the flooding. I deserve to slash rivers of salt in my sleeves. I don't deserve to sit here and bide my time and let the world go by. I deserve to just sit. I don't deserve tears. I do deserve milk and cookies.
Is my experience really unique? Is there really any difference between what I go through and what anyone else goes through? Or do I overreact to my experience in a way that other people don't? Do other people handle it and deal with it so much better than I do? Am I so dysfunctional and immature in not being able to handle it? Have I not grown at all?
I don't know, I don't have that objectivity. So the best I can do is explain my side and let whoever else cast their own judgments. Why do I need to explain my side and subject myself to judgments? Why not? Because I'm me.
No one can say that I don't try. No one can say that I run away from my fears and problems. I face them and confront them and I fight them if I have to; even if it's a losing battle. I don't create my fears to give myself an excuse to run from something. I balance factors. I assess situations. If I don't feel confident enough about something, I might not pursue it, but if it's something that means something, I won't run away from it.
People get hurt. People get betrayed by people they trust. Why is my experience with Amina and Shiho any different from anybody else's experience of betrayal? Why do I think I'm so special to be able to devalue myself to zero, justifying becoming nothing, just because I wasn't what I thought I was to someone else? Just because someone else wasn't what I thought she was?
Where did I learn to trust? It certainly wasn't from family. Amina was worse than family because I never trusted the 'rents. They could never betray me. Shiho was worse than Amina because at least there was a basis for Amina's betrayal. We had fights, things were going wrong and we weren't able to work things out. I was waiting for some future time to deal with them, but that time never came. It got too bad for her before then. Although I don't even know if our problems were the reason for the betrayal.
But Shiho, none of it was my fault, it was all about her going back to her jerk of an ex-boyfriend. We never fought, I showed her respect and understanding, even when she told me she was considering going back to her ex. I didn't pressure her, I gave her all the room in the world to decide what she felt and what she wanted to do. In return there was nothing, until finally I was wasting my time and knew she wanted to break up but didn't have the guts to do it. So I even did that for her. After that, there was nothing. I have no respect for her now. They belong together.
Is this all enough to value myself at zero? I wasn't even worth an explanation to either of them. No extended discussions, no further clarifications, no later check-in to see how I was doing. Just close the door, nothing ever existed. That is my worth to the people I loved most in my life. Things happened, it's my life, it's my problem, I lived my life and living has it's consequences. If I value my life at zero, so be it, and if I decide to kill my life because it has no value, let it be.
Sunday, December 31, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
December 1995
Ana Claire and I have been fucking. We're not in a relationship, we don't want to be. We just fuck. That's all it is - fucking. It's something I've never done before, I've never just fucked someone, so I'm savoring the word, its vulgarity and its brutal honesty. It's not completely cold, we're not completely unknown to each other so it's not purely carnal. She's a friend and we talk a lot, we just happen to fuck after we talk.
In some ways, it's a very twisted situation, but it's also perfect and probably what I need. When we first did it, I felt a wave of intimacy that just didn't feel right in the situation. It didn't last long; neither of us wanted this to become a relationship. It felt much more comfortable knowing that it was just fucking. We would get together, we would do something, then I would fuck her, she would fuck me. Amina, Shiho, I fuck Ana Claire, Ana Claire fucks me.
I wonder if I'm being naive through this. If anything, this is a rebound. I think she's on a rebound, too. From the start, all she wanted to do was fuck me to see what it was like to fuck me. That's totally fine with me. I’m in no position to make any emotional investment or outlay. This situation can't get messy. If things start going awry, it's thanks for the fuck, good-night. Wham-bam, thank you, ma'am. All the emotions in this are simply ambiguous.
Ana Claire has taken my relationships to another level. Her intelligence and raw ability are not to be questioned. There is an air of snobbishness to her. She doesn't give much credit to men as a gender and she makes no exception of me, so she makes plenty of assumptions about me which I wouldn't otherwise tolerate in a relationship. She looks down on me and doesn't know me at all. But she thinks she does. She'll never be able to appreciate me.
She balances her strength and her vulnerability pretty well. She's got problems and issues, but she's not neurotic or fucked up like so many other people I know. She's not scared or paranoid about anything I can see. She faces up to life and is therefore a breath of fresh air to me.
"Where did you get your name 'Ana Claire'?"
"From my grandmothers."
"They were both named 'Ana Claire'?"
"No, you fucking idiot," she laughed.
Ana Claire is a hormonal nightmare. She's very sexual and she knows what she likes. I find that intimidating, but I'm going along with it for whatever I can get. I don't know if I 'satisfy' her; I just do what I can and if she wants more, she can fuck around with other people to her heart's content.
It's funny that my motivation for getting to know Ana Claire is that she has a bass and has been interested in learning how to play it. I was interested in her learning how to play it so that I would know another Asian American person who plays an instrument.
But when I tried to teach her a part and get her to play it, it was like pulling teeth. I couldn't get her to pluck a note in my presence. She sent me out to get ice cream so she could work on the part alone. It's very telling. In our relationship and fucking thus far, she has been clearly dominant. She likes being dominant, or she wants to maintain dominance over any man. So then here I bring music, and music requires a degree of mutuality, and she can't do it.
Not even mutual, she's not dominant anymore, I'm the teacher, she's the learner. When she picks up a bass, she's not dominant anymore. She can't even pluck a string in my presence because doing so would be an admission that she's not dominant. So she sends me away to stake her territory to make it clear that she wants to feel like she's doing it herself without anyone else's help. It could just be me. Maybe she could take lessons from a man she's not fucking or from a woman. But the dynamic between us is that she's the dominant one, I'm the fuck-toy; I'm never in the dominant position and never can be.
Ana Claire is a perfectionist. She has very high standards for herself. She also has the ability to meet those standards. Which makes me feel odd since my standards are quite low. Not that I care, I kinda find it amusing; like what is this woman doing with me?
I have no idea where or how far this friendship is going to go. She does make me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I don't trust her. I have trouble talking to her and our conversations don't feel quite natural. But with the dynamics we've set ourselves into, I think eventually we're going to have to get closer, as friends, or we're going to drift apart. Either way.
It doesn't help that I'm going through a pretty difficult period in my life. I don't feel very social these days, I don't feel like reaching out at all to anyone, and no one is reaching in. I keep to myself. That doesn't help conversations.
*****************************
The betrayals. The callousness of Amina’s, the idiocy of Shiho's. Diem is also in that category of someone who has left my life with no good explanation. She doesn't write anymore and even when she wrote, she didn't communicate. She was once an intimate, now barely a pen-pal.
Truth to tell, I don't really care. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that a close friendship disappeared with no explanation; the fact that someone out there sees no value in me. Diem as a person, as someone who used to be a close friend, doesn't matter anymore. Amina, Shiho, Diem; it's all the same.
I'm not completely anti-social. I'm not particularly enthusiastic about people I've recently met, such as Ana Claire and Susan, but with people I've known for a while things are fine. Cat is just about my best friend now, I guess along with Nobuko, although it's hard to gauge a friendship when you're living with that person.
Things were great with Liz when I was back in New Jersey. I consider Liz my first real girlfriend since she was the first person I can say without a doubt that I slept with. Prior to her, I can only say it was experimentation. It was nice being with Liz. With Shiho gone, Liz is now the person I've known the longest. So different from Ana Claire. I probably could have fucked her if she wanted to.
It was so easy to let go of Amina when I was going out with Shiho. But now that they are in the same place, it is so clear that I loved Amina so much more than I ever loved Shiho. I told Amina that I would always love her first and most. It's still true.
I had a dream about Amina almost a week ago which is still affecting me. Amina and I were talking, I was asking her hard questions about what happened to us, not being warm at all. I have no idea what the questions were or what her answers were. The only thing I remember clearly is that at some point she moved behind me and put an arm over my shoulder and around my neck. I first reached up and held her arm against me, and then as I stood and turned, still holding her arm, I saw that she was crying and I started crying, too. And we both knew that we were crying for the same reason, because we once had something beautiful and we both let it go and it would never come back, and letting it go was the biggest mistake either of us could have made. I don't know if it's reality, it was the dream.
So yes, I still love Amina first and most and I probably always will. She can always have my heart and soul. I would never go out with her again, I'm not even sure I would let her back into my life as a friend, but I will always love her and she will always be all the wonderful things I saw in the three years I knew and loved her.
Ana Claire and I have been fucking. We're not in a relationship, we don't want to be. We just fuck. That's all it is - fucking. It's something I've never done before, I've never just fucked someone, so I'm savoring the word, its vulgarity and its brutal honesty. It's not completely cold, we're not completely unknown to each other so it's not purely carnal. She's a friend and we talk a lot, we just happen to fuck after we talk.
In some ways, it's a very twisted situation, but it's also perfect and probably what I need. When we first did it, I felt a wave of intimacy that just didn't feel right in the situation. It didn't last long; neither of us wanted this to become a relationship. It felt much more comfortable knowing that it was just fucking. We would get together, we would do something, then I would fuck her, she would fuck me. Amina, Shiho, I fuck Ana Claire, Ana Claire fucks me.
I wonder if I'm being naive through this. If anything, this is a rebound. I think she's on a rebound, too. From the start, all she wanted to do was fuck me to see what it was like to fuck me. That's totally fine with me. I’m in no position to make any emotional investment or outlay. This situation can't get messy. If things start going awry, it's thanks for the fuck, good-night. Wham-bam, thank you, ma'am. All the emotions in this are simply ambiguous.
Ana Claire has taken my relationships to another level. Her intelligence and raw ability are not to be questioned. There is an air of snobbishness to her. She doesn't give much credit to men as a gender and she makes no exception of me, so she makes plenty of assumptions about me which I wouldn't otherwise tolerate in a relationship. She looks down on me and doesn't know me at all. But she thinks she does. She'll never be able to appreciate me.
She balances her strength and her vulnerability pretty well. She's got problems and issues, but she's not neurotic or fucked up like so many other people I know. She's not scared or paranoid about anything I can see. She faces up to life and is therefore a breath of fresh air to me.
"Where did you get your name 'Ana Claire'?"
"From my grandmothers."
"They were both named 'Ana Claire'?"
"No, you fucking idiot," she laughed.
Ana Claire is a hormonal nightmare. She's very sexual and she knows what she likes. I find that intimidating, but I'm going along with it for whatever I can get. I don't know if I 'satisfy' her; I just do what I can and if she wants more, she can fuck around with other people to her heart's content.
It's funny that my motivation for getting to know Ana Claire is that she has a bass and has been interested in learning how to play it. I was interested in her learning how to play it so that I would know another Asian American person who plays an instrument.
But when I tried to teach her a part and get her to play it, it was like pulling teeth. I couldn't get her to pluck a note in my presence. She sent me out to get ice cream so she could work on the part alone. It's very telling. In our relationship and fucking thus far, she has been clearly dominant. She likes being dominant, or she wants to maintain dominance over any man. So then here I bring music, and music requires a degree of mutuality, and she can't do it.
Not even mutual, she's not dominant anymore, I'm the teacher, she's the learner. When she picks up a bass, she's not dominant anymore. She can't even pluck a string in my presence because doing so would be an admission that she's not dominant. So she sends me away to stake her territory to make it clear that she wants to feel like she's doing it herself without anyone else's help. It could just be me. Maybe she could take lessons from a man she's not fucking or from a woman. But the dynamic between us is that she's the dominant one, I'm the fuck-toy; I'm never in the dominant position and never can be.
Ana Claire is a perfectionist. She has very high standards for herself. She also has the ability to meet those standards. Which makes me feel odd since my standards are quite low. Not that I care, I kinda find it amusing; like what is this woman doing with me?
I have no idea where or how far this friendship is going to go. She does make me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I don't trust her. I have trouble talking to her and our conversations don't feel quite natural. But with the dynamics we've set ourselves into, I think eventually we're going to have to get closer, as friends, or we're going to drift apart. Either way.
It doesn't help that I'm going through a pretty difficult period in my life. I don't feel very social these days, I don't feel like reaching out at all to anyone, and no one is reaching in. I keep to myself. That doesn't help conversations.
*****************************
The betrayals. The callousness of Amina’s, the idiocy of Shiho's. Diem is also in that category of someone who has left my life with no good explanation. She doesn't write anymore and even when she wrote, she didn't communicate. She was once an intimate, now barely a pen-pal.
Truth to tell, I don't really care. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that a close friendship disappeared with no explanation; the fact that someone out there sees no value in me. Diem as a person, as someone who used to be a close friend, doesn't matter anymore. Amina, Shiho, Diem; it's all the same.
I'm not completely anti-social. I'm not particularly enthusiastic about people I've recently met, such as Ana Claire and Susan, but with people I've known for a while things are fine. Cat is just about my best friend now, I guess along with Nobuko, although it's hard to gauge a friendship when you're living with that person.
Things were great with Liz when I was back in New Jersey. I consider Liz my first real girlfriend since she was the first person I can say without a doubt that I slept with. Prior to her, I can only say it was experimentation. It was nice being with Liz. With Shiho gone, Liz is now the person I've known the longest. So different from Ana Claire. I probably could have fucked her if she wanted to.
It was so easy to let go of Amina when I was going out with Shiho. But now that they are in the same place, it is so clear that I loved Amina so much more than I ever loved Shiho. I told Amina that I would always love her first and most. It's still true.
I had a dream about Amina almost a week ago which is still affecting me. Amina and I were talking, I was asking her hard questions about what happened to us, not being warm at all. I have no idea what the questions were or what her answers were. The only thing I remember clearly is that at some point she moved behind me and put an arm over my shoulder and around my neck. I first reached up and held her arm against me, and then as I stood and turned, still holding her arm, I saw that she was crying and I started crying, too. And we both knew that we were crying for the same reason, because we once had something beautiful and we both let it go and it would never come back, and letting it go was the biggest mistake either of us could have made. I don't know if it's reality, it was the dream.
So yes, I still love Amina first and most and I probably always will. She can always have my heart and soul. I would never go out with her again, I'm not even sure I would let her back into my life as a friend, but I will always love her and she will always be all the wonderful things I saw in the three years I knew and loved her.
Thursday, November 30, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
November 1995
How exactly should I feel about making it to the oral argument semi-finals for Appellate Advocacy? Crap! Big fucking deal, but my stress level has shot up double because of it. I was so much looking forward to getting oral arguments done with and having Madoka's boyfriend visit and go so that I could spend time catching up in all my other courses I've been neglecting for the oral argument for App Ad.
It has only been several months, but my patience has been wearing thin at home and I now consider Nobuko and Vikki just as detached housemates. Our friendships end at the front door. Lisa was out of the loop pretty much from day one, she just changed so much and she wasn't cooperating with any of us. You know a friendship is at an end when jokes aren't funny anymore and they become interpreted as attacks.
Ana Claire
It was beyond weird that while I was visiting Shiho in Japan this Summer, I ran into Ana Claire in Harajuku. We had just done a SHAG performance right before I went to Japan and neither of us knew the other was going to be there. Then on Sunday, Shiho took me to Harajuku, a park where a bunch of bands and performance artists just set up and play. A hip young scene, and we were walking down the sidewalk and watching the people doing their thing, and my eye catches this woman who is vaguely familiar. Then we make eye contact and I think, "Wow, looks just like Ana Claire". It took about three seconds to realize it was Ana Claire.
Then earlier this month, I drove Tetsuya, Madoka's boyfriend, to San Francisco airport to go back to Japan. That worked out for me because I was going to see Belly at the Fillmore and I wanted to have my car in the city. So after the airport, I needed to park where I wouldn't get a ticket during the day but could get to BART to go to school. I tried parking around the 16th St. BART vicinity, but after I parked, I realized there was a 2 hour limit. So I got back into the car and drove up to 24th St. and found parking and proceeded to the 24th St. BART.
While walking to the BART station, I arbitrarily decided to cross the street. I was going to cross at some point, but it was totally arbitrary where I crossed, not even at an intersection. So there is no wonder about my surprise when I crossed the street and Ana Claire was right there. There must be some meaning attached to Ana Claire. These "coincidences" can't be just coincidences. There is supposed to be something there; if not her, then some connection of hers. But if I'm reading the signs correctly, Ana Claire must be in my life at this point for some reason.
If I hadn't crossed the street at that arbitrary point, Ana Claire would have been on one side of the street and I would have been on the other and we would have totally missed each other. Has that happened before? What if we had not met through SHAG? Would the non-existence of SHAG in either of our lives altered our lives so much that either of us would not have been in Harajuku on that Sunday, or on 24th St. that morning? If we had never met, would we not have been in Harajuku in Tokyo in Japan on that day? That's possible, maybe SHAG changed our schedules. But if it didn't, we would have passed each other right by, maybe making eye contact, assuming each other was Japanese.
How about if we never met and both of those events occurred? We would have passed each other in Harajuku and then on 24th St. On what level would we have recognized each other? At all? Probably not. If we had never met, we would have been two random people who randomly ran into each other at two random places in two different countries at two random times and didn't recognize each other.
Shiho
Shiho was predictable to the last; it was pathetic. I didn't need to use half the tact that I ended up using, and I didn't use much. She didn't offer a single objection to breaking up. I handed it to her on a silver platter and she probably feels like the luckiest girl in the world. She didn't have to do anything, she just went right along with it. I made it clear that she had no say in it, though. Why did I do that? Because she had nothing to say about it.
It hurts, but I'm so glad to be out of that relationship. It was twisted and staying in it...I found out something about her character; I'm glad I got out. I knew nothing about her and she told me nothing. She didn't communicate anything to me. I put in so much and she gave nothing. We were substanceless in the end, and that's what hurts the most. The best sex, though, too bad the relationship was nothing.
I didn't show any of the resentment that has grown towards her. Maybe that's a good thing. It shows what this relationship was - she had no clue what I was feeling; never tried to participate or figure out the other side. It shouldn't be hard getting her out of my life. I just have to remember she was never really in it.
I was hoping that my trust would somehow survive all this. The thought occurred to me that maybe the reason why I've been so quick to trust people I've been interested in is because of good experiences with people in past lives. I was hoping not to taint my trust in future lives, but if it happens, it can't be helped.
At least one ancient, nagging question got answered. If I had tried to hold on to Shiho the second time we started going out, could I have? I didn't try because of Amina. The answer, I know now, is no. I know that when Amina and I started going out, she was also at the very least interested in someone else. I have no proof of it, but I know it. She would have been in a similar situation as we were just in, and she would have chosen the other person then, too.
I will never be anyone's second choice. Once there is anyone else in the picture, I'm gone.
How exactly should I feel about making it to the oral argument semi-finals for Appellate Advocacy? Crap! Big fucking deal, but my stress level has shot up double because of it. I was so much looking forward to getting oral arguments done with and having Madoka's boyfriend visit and go so that I could spend time catching up in all my other courses I've been neglecting for the oral argument for App Ad.
It has only been several months, but my patience has been wearing thin at home and I now consider Nobuko and Vikki just as detached housemates. Our friendships end at the front door. Lisa was out of the loop pretty much from day one, she just changed so much and she wasn't cooperating with any of us. You know a friendship is at an end when jokes aren't funny anymore and they become interpreted as attacks.
Ana Claire
It was beyond weird that while I was visiting Shiho in Japan this Summer, I ran into Ana Claire in Harajuku. We had just done a SHAG performance right before I went to Japan and neither of us knew the other was going to be there. Then on Sunday, Shiho took me to Harajuku, a park where a bunch of bands and performance artists just set up and play. A hip young scene, and we were walking down the sidewalk and watching the people doing their thing, and my eye catches this woman who is vaguely familiar. Then we make eye contact and I think, "Wow, looks just like Ana Claire". It took about three seconds to realize it was Ana Claire.
Then earlier this month, I drove Tetsuya, Madoka's boyfriend, to San Francisco airport to go back to Japan. That worked out for me because I was going to see Belly at the Fillmore and I wanted to have my car in the city. So after the airport, I needed to park where I wouldn't get a ticket during the day but could get to BART to go to school. I tried parking around the 16th St. BART vicinity, but after I parked, I realized there was a 2 hour limit. So I got back into the car and drove up to 24th St. and found parking and proceeded to the 24th St. BART.
While walking to the BART station, I arbitrarily decided to cross the street. I was going to cross at some point, but it was totally arbitrary where I crossed, not even at an intersection. So there is no wonder about my surprise when I crossed the street and Ana Claire was right there. There must be some meaning attached to Ana Claire. These "coincidences" can't be just coincidences. There is supposed to be something there; if not her, then some connection of hers. But if I'm reading the signs correctly, Ana Claire must be in my life at this point for some reason.
If I hadn't crossed the street at that arbitrary point, Ana Claire would have been on one side of the street and I would have been on the other and we would have totally missed each other. Has that happened before? What if we had not met through SHAG? Would the non-existence of SHAG in either of our lives altered our lives so much that either of us would not have been in Harajuku on that Sunday, or on 24th St. that morning? If we had never met, would we not have been in Harajuku in Tokyo in Japan on that day? That's possible, maybe SHAG changed our schedules. But if it didn't, we would have passed each other right by, maybe making eye contact, assuming each other was Japanese.
How about if we never met and both of those events occurred? We would have passed each other in Harajuku and then on 24th St. On what level would we have recognized each other? At all? Probably not. If we had never met, we would have been two random people who randomly ran into each other at two random places in two different countries at two random times and didn't recognize each other.
Shiho
Shiho was predictable to the last; it was pathetic. I didn't need to use half the tact that I ended up using, and I didn't use much. She didn't offer a single objection to breaking up. I handed it to her on a silver platter and she probably feels like the luckiest girl in the world. She didn't have to do anything, she just went right along with it. I made it clear that she had no say in it, though. Why did I do that? Because she had nothing to say about it.
It hurts, but I'm so glad to be out of that relationship. It was twisted and staying in it...I found out something about her character; I'm glad I got out. I knew nothing about her and she told me nothing. She didn't communicate anything to me. I put in so much and she gave nothing. We were substanceless in the end, and that's what hurts the most. The best sex, though, too bad the relationship was nothing.
I didn't show any of the resentment that has grown towards her. Maybe that's a good thing. It shows what this relationship was - she had no clue what I was feeling; never tried to participate or figure out the other side. It shouldn't be hard getting her out of my life. I just have to remember she was never really in it.
I was hoping that my trust would somehow survive all this. The thought occurred to me that maybe the reason why I've been so quick to trust people I've been interested in is because of good experiences with people in past lives. I was hoping not to taint my trust in future lives, but if it happens, it can't be helped.
At least one ancient, nagging question got answered. If I had tried to hold on to Shiho the second time we started going out, could I have? I didn't try because of Amina. The answer, I know now, is no. I know that when Amina and I started going out, she was also at the very least interested in someone else. I have no proof of it, but I know it. She would have been in a similar situation as we were just in, and she would have chosen the other person then, too.
I will never be anyone's second choice. Once there is anyone else in the picture, I'm gone.
Tuesday, October 31, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
October 1995
I just can't be waiting for Shiho to make a decision about her life in order to feel my feet on solid ground. From the point she considered going back to her ex, the concept of us as a couple ceased to exist. The essential element of loyalty disappeared from our relationship. Loyalty is promising to be on my side. Betrayal is promising to be on my side and then being on someone else's. Shiho waffling around with her feelings means that she is not my girlfriend. She isn't what she said she was to me.
If Shiho has a decision to make, that means her feelings toward this jerk of an ex-boyfriend are strong enough to challenge or counteract any feelings she has towards me. She is being pulled by a guy who dumped her for another woman, and now wants her back after that relationship didn't work out. It's an insult that she's even considering going back to him. I'm that disposable. Fuck that.
I know Shiho wants to break up, I know it probably better than she does. She just doesn't know how to do it because she can't get a grip on her feelings. She's never been able to get a grip on her feelings and deal with them, which is precisely why we never went out in high school. She's never been decisive and she has never been able to act, and that always bothered me about her.
She continues to profess that she wants this relationship to continue and she comes across as sincere, but she's not into it. I can tell. It's like the other times we started going out and then were separated and then got interested in other people. The only difference this time is that I don't have someone else. But the feeling I get from her is the same as the other times.
We talked about my visiting her at the end of December. That's not going to happen. She said that she would have to find a way of hiding me or otherwise preventing her ex from knowing I was there because he's a very jealous type. Both Nobuko and Cat concur that is a serious dis. They've been playing devil's advocate against my talk of breaking up with Shiho, but on this one they agreed that what she said was an unconditional dis. If I'm visiting her, that means I'm her boyfriend, but she has to hide me from her ex because he's jealous? This is the first time it ever occurred to me to say 'fuck Shiho'.
This is what I think has been going on: Shiho went back to Japan and things were up in the air as to whether our relationship would continue. She had to see what her ex was going to do. After a month, she finally wrote to me and mentioned that he had not been able to break up with the woman for whom he dumped Shiho. That, to me, explains why she did not break up with me within the month as I predicted. She couldn't break up with me until he had broken up with the other woman.
Why didn't he break up with the other woman? He says that she hasn't been letting him break up. I swear, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. If he wanted to break up to go back to Shiho, he would have. I think the real excuse for his not breaking up with the other woman is because the safety net that Shiho is so willing to provide is not guaranteed as long as she is going out with me. I'm assuming Shiho had the backbone to tell him she's going out with me. Not even that is certain. If he knew Shiho wasn't going out with me, he would know he could go back to Shiho and would have broken up with the other woman.
I am not going to be a party to this. They are both spineless, indecisive, self-interested, wishy-washy wimps. They deserve each other. He is willing to walk all over Shiho and take her for granted, and she is willing to be walked over and be taken for granted. I can do better than that.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't in Shiho's nature to make a decision like this. She characteristically has not been able to come down on one side of the fence or the other when faced with a major decision. A major decision just like this. So instead of making a decision, she clams up, freezes, shuts off and hopes the decision gets decided without her doing anything and goes away. She decides to do nothing and maintain the status quo and resigns herself to stay with me and represents that we are a couple, hoping that me or her ex-boyfriend does something so that she doesn't have to.
Well, it worked. I'm not going to be dragged along in her waiting game; if she can't make a decision, I will. Which is what she wanted all along. Clever. Very, very clever.
I got photos back today from the last day Shiho was here. I wasn't psyched to get them back, they didn't make me happy, the images didn't make me nostalgic or long for her. I looked at the pictures, and I felt something particularly unfamiliar and I found it disturbing when I realized that the feeling was envy.
I am envious of Shiho. I feel resentment towards her for her stability; for being attractive, for feeling a connection to her family, for having a good job, for being popular and sought after, for having a hobby and having some talent in it. In return, she doesn't recognize anything that I do or has meaning to me. She makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I gave her my demo and she dismissed it as "interesting".
Since we started going out, she hasn't reacted to much. Her silence has been eloquence. She doesn't want to make me anything important or special; she keeps me at arms distance emotionally. It's for her own protection and she puts nothing out on the line. It has hardly been a mutual relationship.
I owe Shiho nothing. I have no duty to take her feelings into consideration. All I know is that what I know has been without her help. If I'm wrong about anything, she has been a major player in contributing to it. I'm not responsible for her inability to communicate. But I don't think I'm wrong about this.
I find myself becoming jealous. Jealousy and envy - feelings that I do not want under any condition. And here I am. If being in this situation means having those feelings, I'd rather get out of this situation. It would be a personal downfall. Right and wrong and better and worse have no play in this. I should not be subjected to this situation which subjects me to having these feelings.
She has written me once since we've started going out. That in itself says a lot. It means her heart is not really in this relationship; her heart is still being pulled elsewhere. I deserve better than that. I don't see any room to give her benefit of doubt. It is clear where she stands.
I can't think of a reason why I should stay with Shiho or put up with this situation any longer. Why should I even be nice about it? Why should I care about her feelings. I am insulted, demeaned, disrespected. She has been tactless, cowardly. I find no reason to retain a single positive emotion for her. Has she blown away ten years of friendship? Ten years of friendship; what does that mean anyway?
We have created in our minds what we've been to each other during this entire period. Except for this last time when my eyes finally opened and realized how much I love her. Until this point, though, any claim that we were special to each other has been unfounded. She had a crush on me in high school and we were best friends. The times we decided to go out, it wasn't because we loved each other genuinely in the present, but only based on the past history as friends. We never knew each other well enough to really love each other in the present. She has never understood me enough to love me. The woman I fell in love with this past summer, I could have met this summer. We didn't need the past ten years for me to fall in love with her now.
I was concerned about appearances. I want to break up, but I wanted to make it look good. I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I didn't want the news to come as a surprise. I wanted to make it look like it's been something I've been grappling with for a while. How stupid. Breaking up with her, regardless of how sudden or tactless, would be welcomed by her. The next time she calls, that's it. This relationship is over. I'm closing with Shiho and she is out of my life for good.
I just can't be waiting for Shiho to make a decision about her life in order to feel my feet on solid ground. From the point she considered going back to her ex, the concept of us as a couple ceased to exist. The essential element of loyalty disappeared from our relationship. Loyalty is promising to be on my side. Betrayal is promising to be on my side and then being on someone else's. Shiho waffling around with her feelings means that she is not my girlfriend. She isn't what she said she was to me.
If Shiho has a decision to make, that means her feelings toward this jerk of an ex-boyfriend are strong enough to challenge or counteract any feelings she has towards me. She is being pulled by a guy who dumped her for another woman, and now wants her back after that relationship didn't work out. It's an insult that she's even considering going back to him. I'm that disposable. Fuck that.
I know Shiho wants to break up, I know it probably better than she does. She just doesn't know how to do it because she can't get a grip on her feelings. She's never been able to get a grip on her feelings and deal with them, which is precisely why we never went out in high school. She's never been decisive and she has never been able to act, and that always bothered me about her.
She continues to profess that she wants this relationship to continue and she comes across as sincere, but she's not into it. I can tell. It's like the other times we started going out and then were separated and then got interested in other people. The only difference this time is that I don't have someone else. But the feeling I get from her is the same as the other times.
We talked about my visiting her at the end of December. That's not going to happen. She said that she would have to find a way of hiding me or otherwise preventing her ex from knowing I was there because he's a very jealous type. Both Nobuko and Cat concur that is a serious dis. They've been playing devil's advocate against my talk of breaking up with Shiho, but on this one they agreed that what she said was an unconditional dis. If I'm visiting her, that means I'm her boyfriend, but she has to hide me from her ex because he's jealous? This is the first time it ever occurred to me to say 'fuck Shiho'.
This is what I think has been going on: Shiho went back to Japan and things were up in the air as to whether our relationship would continue. She had to see what her ex was going to do. After a month, she finally wrote to me and mentioned that he had not been able to break up with the woman for whom he dumped Shiho. That, to me, explains why she did not break up with me within the month as I predicted. She couldn't break up with me until he had broken up with the other woman.
Why didn't he break up with the other woman? He says that she hasn't been letting him break up. I swear, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. If he wanted to break up to go back to Shiho, he would have. I think the real excuse for his not breaking up with the other woman is because the safety net that Shiho is so willing to provide is not guaranteed as long as she is going out with me. I'm assuming Shiho had the backbone to tell him she's going out with me. Not even that is certain. If he knew Shiho wasn't going out with me, he would know he could go back to Shiho and would have broken up with the other woman.
I am not going to be a party to this. They are both spineless, indecisive, self-interested, wishy-washy wimps. They deserve each other. He is willing to walk all over Shiho and take her for granted, and she is willing to be walked over and be taken for granted. I can do better than that.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't in Shiho's nature to make a decision like this. She characteristically has not been able to come down on one side of the fence or the other when faced with a major decision. A major decision just like this. So instead of making a decision, she clams up, freezes, shuts off and hopes the decision gets decided without her doing anything and goes away. She decides to do nothing and maintain the status quo and resigns herself to stay with me and represents that we are a couple, hoping that me or her ex-boyfriend does something so that she doesn't have to.
Well, it worked. I'm not going to be dragged along in her waiting game; if she can't make a decision, I will. Which is what she wanted all along. Clever. Very, very clever.
I got photos back today from the last day Shiho was here. I wasn't psyched to get them back, they didn't make me happy, the images didn't make me nostalgic or long for her. I looked at the pictures, and I felt something particularly unfamiliar and I found it disturbing when I realized that the feeling was envy.
I am envious of Shiho. I feel resentment towards her for her stability; for being attractive, for feeling a connection to her family, for having a good job, for being popular and sought after, for having a hobby and having some talent in it. In return, she doesn't recognize anything that I do or has meaning to me. She makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I gave her my demo and she dismissed it as "interesting".
Since we started going out, she hasn't reacted to much. Her silence has been eloquence. She doesn't want to make me anything important or special; she keeps me at arms distance emotionally. It's for her own protection and she puts nothing out on the line. It has hardly been a mutual relationship.
I owe Shiho nothing. I have no duty to take her feelings into consideration. All I know is that what I know has been without her help. If I'm wrong about anything, she has been a major player in contributing to it. I'm not responsible for her inability to communicate. But I don't think I'm wrong about this.
I find myself becoming jealous. Jealousy and envy - feelings that I do not want under any condition. And here I am. If being in this situation means having those feelings, I'd rather get out of this situation. It would be a personal downfall. Right and wrong and better and worse have no play in this. I should not be subjected to this situation which subjects me to having these feelings.
She has written me once since we've started going out. That in itself says a lot. It means her heart is not really in this relationship; her heart is still being pulled elsewhere. I deserve better than that. I don't see any room to give her benefit of doubt. It is clear where she stands.
I can't think of a reason why I should stay with Shiho or put up with this situation any longer. Why should I even be nice about it? Why should I care about her feelings. I am insulted, demeaned, disrespected. She has been tactless, cowardly. I find no reason to retain a single positive emotion for her. Has she blown away ten years of friendship? Ten years of friendship; what does that mean anyway?
We have created in our minds what we've been to each other during this entire period. Except for this last time when my eyes finally opened and realized how much I love her. Until this point, though, any claim that we were special to each other has been unfounded. She had a crush on me in high school and we were best friends. The times we decided to go out, it wasn't because we loved each other genuinely in the present, but only based on the past history as friends. We never knew each other well enough to really love each other in the present. She has never understood me enough to love me. The woman I fell in love with this past summer, I could have met this summer. We didn't need the past ten years for me to fall in love with her now.
I was concerned about appearances. I want to break up, but I wanted to make it look good. I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I didn't want the news to come as a surprise. I wanted to make it look like it's been something I've been grappling with for a while. How stupid. Breaking up with her, regardless of how sudden or tactless, would be welcomed by her. The next time she calls, that's it. This relationship is over. I'm closing with Shiho and she is out of my life for good.
Monday, September 25, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
Shiho's ex-boyfriend wants her back and she is considering it. This is the jerk who dumped her for another woman. Now that other woman doesn't want him, and he wants Shiho back. And Shiho is considering it! She, of course, waiting until the end of her visit to tell me this. That was the tactful calculated thing to do, and I appreciate it.
So what is the extent of my love? How do I balance love with dignity? Dignity trumps; I want to just forget it, let her go, let her go back to him, insist on it, I'm not about to compete with him. To be put against a jerk like him is beyond my dignity.
I'm still in love with her. Not only still in love, I realize I was wrong about not loving any of my previous girlfriends beyond a certain point. I'm not sure how I can say it yet, but I love Shiho more than I've loved anyone else. Something about the closeness, the intimacy, the mutuality, the security that never quite existed with anyone else. I never felt this way about anyone else before.
I appreciated Shiho's honesty, but feelings and dignity conflict. I believe her when she says she loves me, so I told her that I would support any decision she made. I told her I will always be her friend, and that I would always be here for her if she wants or needs me. Writing these words, I know I mean it. Precious and sweet, she is everything to me. So much so that I'm willing to just let her go.
We will break up soon. Even after she told me about this new development, we went on as if we were going out and that we were intending to continue this relationship. We kept talking about the next time, the next visit, about her coming again, about me going there. It was an act. It isn't going to happen. And what I told her about supporting whatever decision she made wasn't me being nice. I know what her decision will be, but I want her to stew in “her decision” for a while. I'm not going to make it easy for her. She has to tell me that she is breaking up with me to get back together with this jerk.
So what is the extent of my love? How do I balance love with dignity? Dignity trumps; I want to just forget it, let her go, let her go back to him, insist on it, I'm not about to compete with him. To be put against a jerk like him is beyond my dignity.
I'm still in love with her. Not only still in love, I realize I was wrong about not loving any of my previous girlfriends beyond a certain point. I'm not sure how I can say it yet, but I love Shiho more than I've loved anyone else. Something about the closeness, the intimacy, the mutuality, the security that never quite existed with anyone else. I never felt this way about anyone else before.
I appreciated Shiho's honesty, but feelings and dignity conflict. I believe her when she says she loves me, so I told her that I would support any decision she made. I told her I will always be her friend, and that I would always be here for her if she wants or needs me. Writing these words, I know I mean it. Precious and sweet, she is everything to me. So much so that I'm willing to just let her go.
We will break up soon. Even after she told me about this new development, we went on as if we were going out and that we were intending to continue this relationship. We kept talking about the next time, the next visit, about her coming again, about me going there. It was an act. It isn't going to happen. And what I told her about supporting whatever decision she made wasn't me being nice. I know what her decision will be, but I want her to stew in “her decision” for a while. I'm not going to make it easy for her. She has to tell me that she is breaking up with me to get back together with this jerk.
Friday, September 22, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
Shiho lies there sleeping. I think to myself how many people have I loved this much, this dearly. Perhaps just about all of them at some point. Why is this different? Why was Amina different? This is different. Shiho is different. But whenever I've loved anyone this much, I think my love has always reached this level. And the level reached has always been the same. Limited.
She lies there silent, so endeared to me. I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her. Does she know the capacity of my love? Do we love each other in the same way? Are our idea and conception of love the same? I think back to Osaka when she came to visit when she heard I was leaving. That afternoon we spent in each other's arms. I think back to a time in high school when there was a rehearsal going on in the basement, but I was so tired that I needed to take a nap. She came up to my room with me, I forget why, but then after I laid down and she was headed back downstairs, she quickly kissed me on the cheek before going. I ignored it, I wasn't in love with her at that time. Idiot.
I watch her sleeping and I just know this won't last, it is unrealistic. It is unreal. She's here for three days. Two days of travel to be with me for three days.
This past summer. Her apartment was so comfortable. Being there was so comfortable. That one night we went out to the overpass to watch the trains go under and drink beer. What power does love have to keep us together?
How can I love anyone now when I have so many loves in my past that were never resolved, that never reached a proper end?
I never know what is going on in Shiho's heart in any given moment. I never know what is going on in her heart in any given moment. I don't know how her heart works.
I want her to express to me, to tell me that she loves me, to let me know how she feels, but that is not her style. How long will I be able to stand not getting those things? The second time we got together she was just starting to be able to express her feelings in a way I could feel and appreciate.
So much is lying on faith. I understand that it is not her style and I can accept that and adjust. I can only trust that she loves me.
But what indication do I have that I can trust her? Our past? We would get together when we were together, but once we were apart we would fall for other people. And isn't to want such a trust the equivalent of trying to capture her? Trying to make something permanent out of something that can't be permanent, that I know is not permanent, that I feel should not be permanent.
Trust her after Amina? I can't. It's not a vindictive thing against Amina, it's not trauma of being betrayed, it's not emotional. It's fact, it's reality. That sort of trust is not an option anymore. I couldn't trust her even if I were to allow myself to try.
She's beautiful, though. I love her face, her skin, her sex, her presence. I love her existence. If only she loved me back...
She lies there silent, so endeared to me. I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her. Does she know the capacity of my love? Do we love each other in the same way? Are our idea and conception of love the same? I think back to Osaka when she came to visit when she heard I was leaving. That afternoon we spent in each other's arms. I think back to a time in high school when there was a rehearsal going on in the basement, but I was so tired that I needed to take a nap. She came up to my room with me, I forget why, but then after I laid down and she was headed back downstairs, she quickly kissed me on the cheek before going. I ignored it, I wasn't in love with her at that time. Idiot.
I watch her sleeping and I just know this won't last, it is unrealistic. It is unreal. She's here for three days. Two days of travel to be with me for three days.
This past summer. Her apartment was so comfortable. Being there was so comfortable. That one night we went out to the overpass to watch the trains go under and drink beer. What power does love have to keep us together?
How can I love anyone now when I have so many loves in my past that were never resolved, that never reached a proper end?
I never know what is going on in Shiho's heart in any given moment. I never know what is going on in her heart in any given moment. I don't know how her heart works.
I want her to express to me, to tell me that she loves me, to let me know how she feels, but that is not her style. How long will I be able to stand not getting those things? The second time we got together she was just starting to be able to express her feelings in a way I could feel and appreciate.
So much is lying on faith. I understand that it is not her style and I can accept that and adjust. I can only trust that she loves me.
But what indication do I have that I can trust her? Our past? We would get together when we were together, but once we were apart we would fall for other people. And isn't to want such a trust the equivalent of trying to capture her? Trying to make something permanent out of something that can't be permanent, that I know is not permanent, that I feel should not be permanent.
Trust her after Amina? I can't. It's not a vindictive thing against Amina, it's not trauma of being betrayed, it's not emotional. It's fact, it's reality. That sort of trust is not an option anymore. I couldn't trust her even if I were to allow myself to try.
She's beautiful, though. I love her face, her skin, her sex, her presence. I love her existence. If only she loved me back...
Monday, September 11, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
It struck me again in all its reality that Shiho and I aren't meant to be. I love her with all my heart, I would love to be with her, but I'm not in this venture for the long haul. She mentioned that she would like to see herself like her grandmother in Hiroshima someday. I want to be dead by 40, at most. It just doesn't seem honest to say that I'm making a lifelong commitment to her, knowing that isn't much of a commitment.
Cruel fate to have fallen in love with her after so many years of separation and ambiguous feelings, and to look at our basic incompatible approaches to life. I'm looking at a huge brick wall. I make no long-term commitment. I give this relationship to about the end of the year.
Cruel fate to have fallen in love with her after so many years of separation and ambiguous feelings, and to look at our basic incompatible approaches to life. I'm looking at a huge brick wall. I make no long-term commitment. I give this relationship to about the end of the year.
Tuesday, August 29, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
I think I've truly fallen in love with Shiho after all these years. She used to be just a backup, but now she is right at the forefront of my heart, overshadowing Amina in a way that Joy never did in the best of our relationship. But the nature of our relationship, the impossibility of us ever being together, has me perpetually poised for a break-up. I'm anticipating it. The feeling has put me in a crappy mood all day.
Living in a daze. Looking into the mirror, it felt like I hadn't quite fully awoken. Maybe on days that I awake fully, that's when I'm in a good mood. On other days I reach varying levels of being awake, and accordingly I'm in corresponding moods. Today I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at someone else.
I walked around all day in a daze. It did, however, make me more efficient. I didn't linger anywhere and wasn't distracted. I just did what I had to, no feeling about it. I went and got film for Nobuko and batteries for the camera I nabbed from New Jersey. The light meter is broken, it's not the battery. If I'm going to get into photography, I have to do what is necessary. After Corporations I brought my camera to the store to get it fixed. It'll take a week for them to give me an estimate. Just do it, don't be concerned about the outlay.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to push paper or do research and come up with things that I care nothing about. Bartending is do-able, but it means being social. I don't know if I can do it. I should look into sound engineering programs to see what it will take to be a sound tech. That's the kind of job I think I would enjoy.
I feel like I'm in the compensation stage of a break-up. I'm trying to fill the hole left by Shiho by making sure all aspects of my time and attention are occupied. Sweeping out discarded remnants of her memories. Looking at my life and future without accommodating her in any part of it. It hurts. Even though we haven't broken up yet.
Now I have this memory of visiting her in Japan, how this latest development started; her apartment, tiny, one-room, hardly enough for two people. She prepared bedding for me to sleep right below her bed. I didn't expect anything, I was just visiting Japan to see her and Madoka. Old friend, dear friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend who had dumped her to be with another woman. Then at some point during the night, my eyes opened and her hand was right there. I thought she was asleep, but I touched and took her hand anyway. She wasn't asleep and her hand touched my face. It didn't take long before she drew me up into bed with her. More than ten years after we met. The first time.
Living in a daze. Looking into the mirror, it felt like I hadn't quite fully awoken. Maybe on days that I awake fully, that's when I'm in a good mood. On other days I reach varying levels of being awake, and accordingly I'm in corresponding moods. Today I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at someone else.
I walked around all day in a daze. It did, however, make me more efficient. I didn't linger anywhere and wasn't distracted. I just did what I had to, no feeling about it. I went and got film for Nobuko and batteries for the camera I nabbed from New Jersey. The light meter is broken, it's not the battery. If I'm going to get into photography, I have to do what is necessary. After Corporations I brought my camera to the store to get it fixed. It'll take a week for them to give me an estimate. Just do it, don't be concerned about the outlay.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to push paper or do research and come up with things that I care nothing about. Bartending is do-able, but it means being social. I don't know if I can do it. I should look into sound engineering programs to see what it will take to be a sound tech. That's the kind of job I think I would enjoy.
I feel like I'm in the compensation stage of a break-up. I'm trying to fill the hole left by Shiho by making sure all aspects of my time and attention are occupied. Sweeping out discarded remnants of her memories. Looking at my life and future without accommodating her in any part of it. It hurts. Even though we haven't broken up yet.
Now I have this memory of visiting her in Japan, how this latest development started; her apartment, tiny, one-room, hardly enough for two people. She prepared bedding for me to sleep right below her bed. I didn't expect anything, I was just visiting Japan to see her and Madoka. Old friend, dear friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend who had dumped her to be with another woman. Then at some point during the night, my eyes opened and her hand was right there. I thought she was asleep, but I touched and took her hand anyway. She wasn't asleep and her hand touched my face. It didn't take long before she drew me up into bed with her. More than ten years after we met. The first time.
Monday, August 28, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
What a waste of time. What a waste of my life. What kind of job am I going to be able to get after law school? I have no experience. So what have you been doing with your life? I dunno. Why did you go to law school? Or if I end up in Japan and meet a friend of Shiho's, "oh, you graduated from law school? What are you doing now?", "Teaching English", "Oh". Pathetic. I don't even want to think about dealing with the 'rents about taking the bar. In that case, I'm not sure I want to deal with Shiho. In fact, I doubt that I will want to deal with myself when the time comes.
Sunday, August 27, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
I was trying to fall asleep but my mind was too active. For a while, I freely let images flash through my mind. I've always had certain images of myself which I felt reflected how I felt about myself or my situation, such as lying in a snow-covered field, or my body being pulled out of the Hudson. I wonder if people normally have these distinct images that reflect and correlate to how they feel or feel about themselves.
In my half-sleep, the image kept repeating. It is in Shiho's apartment in Japan and the sun is shining brightly, illuminating the room through the closed drapes. I am facing the door, away from the window, either walking or just standing. Shiho comes up from behind, places one hand on my shoulder, and as I turn around, I can see what she is about to do. I don't resist or react as I see the arc of her other hand come up. It is either her hand or something in her hand that slashes at my neck, cutting my head cleanly off.
I don't know why the image is at all freaky, after all I believe that anything she does is out of love. I hope that there will never be any hate between us. In all the years we've known each other, there may have been tensions, some questions, but never animosity. There has always been some degree of love, and that seems to be what has shaped my feelings towards her now. Each time I've seen her, I've loved her even more.
In one permutation of the image, she stabs me in the back, and as I turn around, she pulls the knife out and hands it to me. I plunge it into her and grasp her to me as I feel her feeling the pain. I press my lips to hers as we fall and die together.
The image stopped repeating and continued linearly. Somehow, we both die together. We are in stillness, no light, no darkness, just nothingness. I feel my existence and I feel Shiho there. We are able to communicate, we can hear each other's thoughts. I reflect upon death, how I am now dead; my body has been left behind and is in the world that I have left. My existence continues and I find it supremely fascinating.
Shiho and I reflect upon our situation and decide that we had better go and figure out what comes next. We are very happy about the fact that we are together, that we've taken a huge step in our path, our journey, and we are traveling it together as it was meant to be. She and I were meant to be together.
As we continue in a direction with only instinct guiding us, I reflect on how surreal the situation is and randomly think, "why can't I be in Tower Records". Suddenly I find myself in Tower Records. I get really excited and tell Shiho about this and she says, "What?!" I told her what I did and told her to just imagine herself in Tower Records, and she tried it and it worked, only she couldn't see me. I could see her looking around for me and she could still hear me, but she couldn't see me.
So I said, "Go look for me in the classical section," and I found that my movement wasn't at all restricted by gravity or what used to be physical objects and boundaries, and I was able to bounce over to the classical section in a flash.
It took her just a bit longer and when she turned into the aisle of the classical section, she saw me. We ran to each other and hugged and kissed and realized that we were the only ones in the store. That's when I woke up.
Nobuko and I went shooting today. She let me use her camera and film to just take pictures, kill the roll to see what came out doing what. It was fun. Afterwards, I pulled out the camera I took from Rob's room the last time I was in New Jersey, and for the first time an SLR camera wasn't a complete mystery to me.
In my half-sleep, the image kept repeating. It is in Shiho's apartment in Japan and the sun is shining brightly, illuminating the room through the closed drapes. I am facing the door, away from the window, either walking or just standing. Shiho comes up from behind, places one hand on my shoulder, and as I turn around, I can see what she is about to do. I don't resist or react as I see the arc of her other hand come up. It is either her hand or something in her hand that slashes at my neck, cutting my head cleanly off.
I don't know why the image is at all freaky, after all I believe that anything she does is out of love. I hope that there will never be any hate between us. In all the years we've known each other, there may have been tensions, some questions, but never animosity. There has always been some degree of love, and that seems to be what has shaped my feelings towards her now. Each time I've seen her, I've loved her even more.
In one permutation of the image, she stabs me in the back, and as I turn around, she pulls the knife out and hands it to me. I plunge it into her and grasp her to me as I feel her feeling the pain. I press my lips to hers as we fall and die together.
The image stopped repeating and continued linearly. Somehow, we both die together. We are in stillness, no light, no darkness, just nothingness. I feel my existence and I feel Shiho there. We are able to communicate, we can hear each other's thoughts. I reflect upon death, how I am now dead; my body has been left behind and is in the world that I have left. My existence continues and I find it supremely fascinating.
Shiho and I reflect upon our situation and decide that we had better go and figure out what comes next. We are very happy about the fact that we are together, that we've taken a huge step in our path, our journey, and we are traveling it together as it was meant to be. She and I were meant to be together.
As we continue in a direction with only instinct guiding us, I reflect on how surreal the situation is and randomly think, "why can't I be in Tower Records". Suddenly I find myself in Tower Records. I get really excited and tell Shiho about this and she says, "What?!" I told her what I did and told her to just imagine herself in Tower Records, and she tried it and it worked, only she couldn't see me. I could see her looking around for me and she could still hear me, but she couldn't see me.
So I said, "Go look for me in the classical section," and I found that my movement wasn't at all restricted by gravity or what used to be physical objects and boundaries, and I was able to bounce over to the classical section in a flash.
It took her just a bit longer and when she turned into the aisle of the classical section, she saw me. We ran to each other and hugged and kissed and realized that we were the only ones in the store. That's when I woke up.
Nobuko and I went shooting today. She let me use her camera and film to just take pictures, kill the roll to see what came out doing what. It was fun. Afterwards, I pulled out the camera I took from Rob's room the last time I was in New Jersey, and for the first time an SLR camera wasn't a complete mystery to me.
Friday, March 17, 1995
247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco
I've come to fear Joy's reactions, so I don't communicate with her anymore. If there's something I get really excited about and want to tell her about, I'm afraid of her predictable reaction: deadpan. If something moves me, if my afternoon was simply beautiful and I want to share it with her, I'm afraid of her reaction: big smile and "that's great". No empathy; perceived feigned enthusiasm. I told her that I failed my Civ Pro midterm. I should have feared her reaction: absolute silence. Nothing. Void.
But I didn't fear that reaction, I expected it. I wanted her to feel that silence, I wanted her to notice the dynamic. I FAILED. She had no response. She didn't know what to do. I kind of enjoyed it. I think it's true - a relationship with no ripples has deeper troubles than is shown.
I stopped cutting because I didn't like the idea of her knowing what had happened since the last time she saw me. What do I care? What is she going to do about it? She's not going to react in any appreciable way. I'm going back to cutting. If she wants to discuss it, she has the right, if she doesn't, no loss to me. I stopped cutting, but there was nothing to replace it, nothing to take its place, and that made stopping really difficult.
We're going to break up. The only questions are when and how. Not soon. I don't think I can handle going through a break up at this point. So if she doesn't instigate it, I'll just wait. When the time comes, no games, I'm going to come right forward with it and tell her that this relationship has broken down.
This relationship is dysfunctional, that's not hard to admit. I go back and read what I wrote about Joy last Summer and I'm at a loss to explain those things. Our relationship is a sham, it's silly. But what I need to do is not torment her. I have to go against my common sense which tells me to distance, to let her know there are problems so that she can see a break up coming. That has never worked in the past. I'm not going to make the relationship miserable to build up to breaking up.
Today was a good day. I haven't had a good day since Amina. I'm having trouble counting those days when I met Joy and was getting close to her. Those don't seem real, those seem more like a reaction to Amina, a rebound.
When I got home from school, I decided to go for a run. I planned to take a bus down to Ocean Beach and then run back along the Sea Cliff. I went to Ocean Beach yesterday since it was sunny, but it was still chilly and windy. The winds were calmer today and it was reasonably warm, and when I got to the beach, it was just gorgeous. It was so pleasant that I walked along the beach for a while before doing the run. Today was a good day, and I wanted to share it with somebody. I didn't.
I'm back in phone contact with Shiho. She moved out of her parents' house and now has her own phone number. We've spoken several times. Any romance with Shiho would have been unrealistic. Through letters, it was possible to conjure a fantasy, but talking to her reminded me of the dynamic that kept me from falling in love completely when we were in high school. And when we fell in love in Osaka, that was probably years of history guiding our feelings, not present reality.
She has no idea who I am or what I'm about or the experiences that have shaped me. We can communicate, but I don't know how fulfilling it would be. I need someone with whom I can really connect. The big thing going for Shiho is that I would feel really, really comfortable around her, and it would be real.
But I didn't fear that reaction, I expected it. I wanted her to feel that silence, I wanted her to notice the dynamic. I FAILED. She had no response. She didn't know what to do. I kind of enjoyed it. I think it's true - a relationship with no ripples has deeper troubles than is shown.
I stopped cutting because I didn't like the idea of her knowing what had happened since the last time she saw me. What do I care? What is she going to do about it? She's not going to react in any appreciable way. I'm going back to cutting. If she wants to discuss it, she has the right, if she doesn't, no loss to me. I stopped cutting, but there was nothing to replace it, nothing to take its place, and that made stopping really difficult.
We're going to break up. The only questions are when and how. Not soon. I don't think I can handle going through a break up at this point. So if she doesn't instigate it, I'll just wait. When the time comes, no games, I'm going to come right forward with it and tell her that this relationship has broken down.
This relationship is dysfunctional, that's not hard to admit. I go back and read what I wrote about Joy last Summer and I'm at a loss to explain those things. Our relationship is a sham, it's silly. But what I need to do is not torment her. I have to go against my common sense which tells me to distance, to let her know there are problems so that she can see a break up coming. That has never worked in the past. I'm not going to make the relationship miserable to build up to breaking up.
Today was a good day. I haven't had a good day since Amina. I'm having trouble counting those days when I met Joy and was getting close to her. Those don't seem real, those seem more like a reaction to Amina, a rebound.
When I got home from school, I decided to go for a run. I planned to take a bus down to Ocean Beach and then run back along the Sea Cliff. I went to Ocean Beach yesterday since it was sunny, but it was still chilly and windy. The winds were calmer today and it was reasonably warm, and when I got to the beach, it was just gorgeous. It was so pleasant that I walked along the beach for a while before doing the run. Today was a good day, and I wanted to share it with somebody. I didn't.
I'm back in phone contact with Shiho. She moved out of her parents' house and now has her own phone number. We've spoken several times. Any romance with Shiho would have been unrealistic. Through letters, it was possible to conjure a fantasy, but talking to her reminded me of the dynamic that kept me from falling in love completely when we were in high school. And when we fell in love in Osaka, that was probably years of history guiding our feelings, not present reality.
She has no idea who I am or what I'm about or the experiences that have shaped me. We can communicate, but I don't know how fulfilling it would be. I need someone with whom I can really connect. The big thing going for Shiho is that I would feel really, really comfortable around her, and it would be real.
Friday, May 20, 1994
247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco
Life in a daze, floating through waking and sleep, frustrated by the absolutes imposed by reality. Memory as an enemy. I want to forget everything. I don't want to be a part of anything or anyone else. I want to be completely detached, to cut out, to drift off taking nothing with me and leaving nothing behind.
And as memory acts as my enemy, it builds and more and more is added to it. Each month that passes is another volume of entries into my memory, bits of information that I can reflect upon, talk about, carry like baggage for the rest of my life. It gets added up in here.
Memories assault me. New Jersey. The red house, the yellow house, the same house, the white house. I have brothers? The 'rents? The list goes on and on and I can dig out countless memories that I would rather have erased.
A memory of Shiho and me in New Jersey. High school. A warm, sunny, Spring day at the 'rent's house. We only know English and the U.S. and we're together. She sees me a certain way. I see her another way. We couldn't guess how little we would know of each other's lives ten years hence. So much that we would never discuss, so much that we would have to lie to each other about.
Memories distilled. We are different people and I still love her. If only we hadn't lost so much time. If only we could build something good out of all the bad that has happened in either my life or our lives.
Not much matters here in this daze. The 'rents are far away and I'm untouchable. My oppression is my own. So much doesn't matter anymore. I'm losing touch with myself. My skin bothers me, itching and welting up nightly. It's never been so severe before. The hearing in my right ear is going funny. I don't think it's permanent though.
It would feel so good to shed this skin. To head up high above the earth and hover and watch and see everything happen. Just to observe from a distance. Life as a spectator sport. Life can be. Life is.
And as memory acts as my enemy, it builds and more and more is added to it. Each month that passes is another volume of entries into my memory, bits of information that I can reflect upon, talk about, carry like baggage for the rest of my life. It gets added up in here.
Memories assault me. New Jersey. The red house, the yellow house, the same house, the white house. I have brothers? The 'rents? The list goes on and on and I can dig out countless memories that I would rather have erased.
A memory of Shiho and me in New Jersey. High school. A warm, sunny, Spring day at the 'rent's house. We only know English and the U.S. and we're together. She sees me a certain way. I see her another way. We couldn't guess how little we would know of each other's lives ten years hence. So much that we would never discuss, so much that we would have to lie to each other about.
Memories distilled. We are different people and I still love her. If only we hadn't lost so much time. If only we could build something good out of all the bad that has happened in either my life or our lives.
Not much matters here in this daze. The 'rents are far away and I'm untouchable. My oppression is my own. So much doesn't matter anymore. I'm losing touch with myself. My skin bothers me, itching and welting up nightly. It's never been so severe before. The hearing in my right ear is going funny. I don't think it's permanent though.
It would feel so good to shed this skin. To head up high above the earth and hover and watch and see everything happen. Just to observe from a distance. Life as a spectator sport. Life can be. Life is.
Thursday, October 14, 1993
1844 7th Ave., Oakland
Amina is coming tomorrow! I’m so excited, things have been so discouraging these past two weeks, and Amina will make things all better. At least for a little while.
In my life, shades of things being good overlap with shades of things being awful and they somehow exist together. I view my surroundings through a filter of things being good or things being awful. Neither is dominant, but one is dominant at any one point.
I haven’t made any friends or acquaintances at school. It’s no wonder. I’m intrigued by the material, but that’s all. I’m fascinated by it and I’m curious about it, but unlike everyone else, I don’t view it as a tool or a skill that I’m developing to use in a career. I don’t worry about it, but I do feel the constant pressure of being there.
I exercise the thought of dropping out at the end of the semester, either before or after exams. I wouldn’t tell the ‘rents and I’d chill for the next half year just doing music and living off their precious money. I’d save the tuition money and send it back after I get a job. I’d wait to get a job until after Amina’s graduation so that I can go to it.
I don’t care about wasting the ‘rents’ money, it’s not a consideration anymore. I’ll drop out whenever the time is right and the thought of wasting money shouldn’t even cross my mind. But as long as I’m foreseeing dropping out after Amina graduates, I’d might as well pocket the $7000 tuition that would be going to waste.
For now, I wait for Amina. I can’t wait until she’s here again. The past two months since I saw her last have been grueling and unbearably slow. She stopped writing, and although it doesn’t play on my insecurities as it might have months ago, I wish she could find time to write.
Things will be just fine between us. I’ve finally reached a point of maturation that I think I can make this work. It was in my last year at Oberlin that I grew the most and the seeds of maturation were formed. I was immature then and I still was through this past Summer. The problems between Amina and me were what made the seeds open, and whatever I learned from senior year can start helping me work through problems with Amina now.
My memories still go back to that year. It’s still so vivid in my mind. It was the most meaningful year of my life in retrospect. It is significant that Amina wasn’t there for half of it. It was good that she wasn’t there. The memories of my room in Third World House, and Hiromi and coffee, and Luyen, cold, love, struggle, Tetris, Southern Comfort, the soles of my feet, Diem, skeletons, the language lab, communication. Oh God, the language lab.
I remember reading the Platform Sutra to Hiromi when she was sick. Sleeping in her bed when she went to Japan for break. Wearing her purple jacket. I remember how my desk was set up, how my room was set up, the broken window. And all that coffee. Hiromi sunk into me much more than I ever admitted or realized. Our times were so tender, but she just wasn’t there for me, she wasn’t what I needed. I never felt that she cared.
If I could go back and watch any point of my life, I think I’d go there, that semester. I was so wrong. I was so wrong about Hiromi and Luyen, that’s why it is so significant that Amina wasn’t there. She wasn’t part of the mess. She wasn’t a witness to my impropriety. But she was the one I loved first and most through it all. It was a tragic learning experience, and Amina had to be kept out of it.
But how could things have been different. Would I have broken up with Hiromi if it weren’t for Luyen? How far would it have gone with Hiromi? I can imagine staying with Hiromi. Eventually marrying her? Beautiful name, Hiromi.
It’s all gone now. I’m in California, where Amina and I had joked about going to when we first met. And Amina and I are now together and we are faced with realities. We are forced to face what we will do for the rest of our lives. If Amina and I can’t make it work, there’s always the monastery. Always the monastery. Another seed that was planted senior year.
Shiho and I officially broke up. Finally. During our last conversation before she went back to Japan from Chicago, she mentioned that her longtime friend and photo club chum was interested in her. I did what I hope I would have done if confronted with the same situation and Amina wasn’t in the picture. I hope I would have done the right thing. Let her go and give her the chance to pursue a relationship that is simply more feasible, acceptable, and realistic.
But if Amina wasn’t in the picture, maybe I could have paid more and enough attention to Shiho to prevent her from being swayed by anyone else. I really haven’t shown much interest in Shiho. And truth to tell, I think she has been going out with this guy for a while, possibly as long as I’ve been going out with Amina.
It all appears to have worked out too perfectly. How else would we have broken up? By letter? No. Phone from Japan is too expensive, and it wouldn’t have happened in an international phone call. It just so happened that Shiho’s grandmother wanted to visit her daughter in Chicago, Shiho’s aunt. Shiho’s mom made her go because she didn’t want the grandmother going alone, thus bringing Shiho to the States.
Furthermore, the aunt used to live in San Mateo, across the Bay. That wouldn’t have been good. I don’t know if we could have done it in person. But a phone call from somewhere in the States was the perfect set up. It allowed for time to let it happen, it allowed for direct communication, and it gave us the necessary distance. Window opened, window closed.
In my life, shades of things being good overlap with shades of things being awful and they somehow exist together. I view my surroundings through a filter of things being good or things being awful. Neither is dominant, but one is dominant at any one point.
I haven’t made any friends or acquaintances at school. It’s no wonder. I’m intrigued by the material, but that’s all. I’m fascinated by it and I’m curious about it, but unlike everyone else, I don’t view it as a tool or a skill that I’m developing to use in a career. I don’t worry about it, but I do feel the constant pressure of being there.
I exercise the thought of dropping out at the end of the semester, either before or after exams. I wouldn’t tell the ‘rents and I’d chill for the next half year just doing music and living off their precious money. I’d save the tuition money and send it back after I get a job. I’d wait to get a job until after Amina’s graduation so that I can go to it.
I don’t care about wasting the ‘rents’ money, it’s not a consideration anymore. I’ll drop out whenever the time is right and the thought of wasting money shouldn’t even cross my mind. But as long as I’m foreseeing dropping out after Amina graduates, I’d might as well pocket the $7000 tuition that would be going to waste.
For now, I wait for Amina. I can’t wait until she’s here again. The past two months since I saw her last have been grueling and unbearably slow. She stopped writing, and although it doesn’t play on my insecurities as it might have months ago, I wish she could find time to write.
Things will be just fine between us. I’ve finally reached a point of maturation that I think I can make this work. It was in my last year at Oberlin that I grew the most and the seeds of maturation were formed. I was immature then and I still was through this past Summer. The problems between Amina and me were what made the seeds open, and whatever I learned from senior year can start helping me work through problems with Amina now.
My memories still go back to that year. It’s still so vivid in my mind. It was the most meaningful year of my life in retrospect. It is significant that Amina wasn’t there for half of it. It was good that she wasn’t there. The memories of my room in Third World House, and Hiromi and coffee, and Luyen, cold, love, struggle, Tetris, Southern Comfort, the soles of my feet, Diem, skeletons, the language lab, communication. Oh God, the language lab.
I remember reading the Platform Sutra to Hiromi when she was sick. Sleeping in her bed when she went to Japan for break. Wearing her purple jacket. I remember how my desk was set up, how my room was set up, the broken window. And all that coffee. Hiromi sunk into me much more than I ever admitted or realized. Our times were so tender, but she just wasn’t there for me, she wasn’t what I needed. I never felt that she cared.
If I could go back and watch any point of my life, I think I’d go there, that semester. I was so wrong. I was so wrong about Hiromi and Luyen, that’s why it is so significant that Amina wasn’t there. She wasn’t part of the mess. She wasn’t a witness to my impropriety. But she was the one I loved first and most through it all. It was a tragic learning experience, and Amina had to be kept out of it.
But how could things have been different. Would I have broken up with Hiromi if it weren’t for Luyen? How far would it have gone with Hiromi? I can imagine staying with Hiromi. Eventually marrying her? Beautiful name, Hiromi.
It’s all gone now. I’m in California, where Amina and I had joked about going to when we first met. And Amina and I are now together and we are faced with realities. We are forced to face what we will do for the rest of our lives. If Amina and I can’t make it work, there’s always the monastery. Always the monastery. Another seed that was planted senior year.
Shiho and I officially broke up. Finally. During our last conversation before she went back to Japan from Chicago, she mentioned that her longtime friend and photo club chum was interested in her. I did what I hope I would have done if confronted with the same situation and Amina wasn’t in the picture. I hope I would have done the right thing. Let her go and give her the chance to pursue a relationship that is simply more feasible, acceptable, and realistic.
But if Amina wasn’t in the picture, maybe I could have paid more and enough attention to Shiho to prevent her from being swayed by anyone else. I really haven’t shown much interest in Shiho. And truth to tell, I think she has been going out with this guy for a while, possibly as long as I’ve been going out with Amina.
It all appears to have worked out too perfectly. How else would we have broken up? By letter? No. Phone from Japan is too expensive, and it wouldn’t have happened in an international phone call. It just so happened that Shiho’s grandmother wanted to visit her daughter in Chicago, Shiho’s aunt. Shiho’s mom made her go because she didn’t want the grandmother going alone, thus bringing Shiho to the States.
Furthermore, the aunt used to live in San Mateo, across the Bay. That wouldn’t have been good. I don’t know if we could have done it in person. But a phone call from somewhere in the States was the perfect set up. It allowed for time to let it happen, it allowed for direct communication, and it gave us the necessary distance. Window opened, window closed.
Friday, October 01, 1993
1844 7th Ave., Oakland
I caught cold today.
I’ve been trying to balance between surviving in law school and realizing that I may drop out after a year. I don’t want to commit myself and my time to the point of stressing, nor do I want to be lax about it and depend on dropping out.
It’s tough all over; it’s always tough. The only time things are guaranteed to be secure and comfortable in my life is when they’re in my past. Even this tumultuous past Summer seems a place of relative comfort now.
But what else would I be doing? Wouldn’t things be just as rough and miserable? Law school isn’t the worst possible situation I could be in. Maybe not for the entire three year grind, but one year should be survivable. I look around this apartment and I wonder if I will look back on it with the same feeling I look back on other places I’ve lived - as places of relative comfort. Which makes it feel like I’m in progressively worse living situations, which can’t be true.
Shiho has been in Chicago this past week visiting relatives, and we’ve talked on the phone. Our relationship has always been one of wanting. Our interactions have been windows opened and closed. I could love her like I love Amina, but I don’t. I love Shiho just because she has become an important part of my life. Not a pervasive one. I had a chance to say, “I love you” at the end of our first conversation. But I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t. It didn’t seem right. She noticed it. But it felt like she took it as a new norm, not as an indication of something being amiss.
Amina and I are comfortably each other’s. Although religion plays a growing part of my reality and being. I don’t know if Amina is. Maybe she is, maybe she’s a component of religion, a metaphor.
I’ve started writing songs again. I have music for three songs, but I haven’t tried lyrics yet. I’ve been scared to try. Maybe they’ll come naturally like the music did. For months it was impossible to come up with any music, but then I started putting snippets down on tape, and then I was able to stretch those snippets into minutes. Lines for lyrics have started to come to me sporadically. Maybe I’ll be able to take those lines and stretch them out into lyrics.
I’ve been trying to balance between surviving in law school and realizing that I may drop out after a year. I don’t want to commit myself and my time to the point of stressing, nor do I want to be lax about it and depend on dropping out.
It’s tough all over; it’s always tough. The only time things are guaranteed to be secure and comfortable in my life is when they’re in my past. Even this tumultuous past Summer seems a place of relative comfort now.
But what else would I be doing? Wouldn’t things be just as rough and miserable? Law school isn’t the worst possible situation I could be in. Maybe not for the entire three year grind, but one year should be survivable. I look around this apartment and I wonder if I will look back on it with the same feeling I look back on other places I’ve lived - as places of relative comfort. Which makes it feel like I’m in progressively worse living situations, which can’t be true.
Shiho has been in Chicago this past week visiting relatives, and we’ve talked on the phone. Our relationship has always been one of wanting. Our interactions have been windows opened and closed. I could love her like I love Amina, but I don’t. I love Shiho just because she has become an important part of my life. Not a pervasive one. I had a chance to say, “I love you” at the end of our first conversation. But I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t. It didn’t seem right. She noticed it. But it felt like she took it as a new norm, not as an indication of something being amiss.
Amina and I are comfortably each other’s. Although religion plays a growing part of my reality and being. I don’t know if Amina is. Maybe she is, maybe she’s a component of religion, a metaphor.
I’ve started writing songs again. I have music for three songs, but I haven’t tried lyrics yet. I’ve been scared to try. Maybe they’ll come naturally like the music did. For months it was impossible to come up with any music, but then I started putting snippets down on tape, and then I was able to stretch those snippets into minutes. Lines for lyrics have started to come to me sporadically. Maybe I’ll be able to take those lines and stretch them out into lyrics.
Wednesday, March 24, 1993
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
The first Spring rain is falling tonight. It isn't a pleasant warm rain. It's cold and it comes on and off, sometimes a mist, sometimes you can hear the raindrops. But most importantly, it is what makes the dark patches on the lawn grow larger and larger as the snow melts away. The snow is from last week's storm that raged across the East Coast. Anything is better than the five Ohio Winters in a row that I went through.
Warm weather is a heartbeat away. Next week is Spring Break for Oberlin, but I'm not going out to visit Amina. Ohio is a long way out and I'm flat broke and I have no idea when I'll be notified of law school and I want to get the information first. I would also like to go to a People of Color Conference at Oberlin at the end of April and then to Commencement at the end of May and I don't want the 'rents telling me I should go to Bob's Commencement, which is on the same day, because I've been going to Oberlin so often. Amina wants us to be together over the Summer, and so I'm planning on that, too. She might end up staying in Oberlin.
My letters to Shiho have been very friend to friend with subtle hints at the unrealistic nature of our relationship. She hasn't responded to my hints at doubts or uncharacteristic lack of affection, but I'm sure she isn't missing them. Hey, for all I know, she’s going through the exact thing over there with some guy I don’t know anything about.
Warm weather is a heartbeat away. Next week is Spring Break for Oberlin, but I'm not going out to visit Amina. Ohio is a long way out and I'm flat broke and I have no idea when I'll be notified of law school and I want to get the information first. I would also like to go to a People of Color Conference at Oberlin at the end of April and then to Commencement at the end of May and I don't want the 'rents telling me I should go to Bob's Commencement, which is on the same day, because I've been going to Oberlin so often. Amina wants us to be together over the Summer, and so I'm planning on that, too. She might end up staying in Oberlin.
My letters to Shiho have been very friend to friend with subtle hints at the unrealistic nature of our relationship. She hasn't responded to my hints at doubts or uncharacteristic lack of affection, but I'm sure she isn't missing them. Hey, for all I know, she’s going through the exact thing over there with some guy I don’t know anything about.
Tuesday, March 02, 1993
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
How far am I going to take this charade? I finished my law school applications and sent them off. While writing my personal statement, I found myself actually convincing myself that I want to go to law school. One step back and, “what the hell am I doing?”. It is with utter contempt and disgust that I let this go on like this. All the hatreds resurface. I have to remember what I must remember and face how difficult this is, and think about California and that my life doesn’t start until I get there.
I haven’t written to Shiho since December. That in itself must tell her something about my doubts. I have to write to her now. I need to figure out what to tell her and what to withhold for the time being. I do have pangs of regret, of making things complicated, but I do think the facts are facts and that trying to make a relationship work would be futile.
And in the meanwhile, Amina and I just get closer and closer and the future with her looks so good. I want to say that everything is rosy and wonderful and all the gush that comes with love and lovers. But everything is rosy! Everything is great, and I’ve never looked so positively towards the future before. Except that I still don’t want to live to a ripe old age, I still don’t want to be condemned to that. Not yet.
I haven’t written to Shiho since December. That in itself must tell her something about my doubts. I have to write to her now. I need to figure out what to tell her and what to withhold for the time being. I do have pangs of regret, of making things complicated, but I do think the facts are facts and that trying to make a relationship work would be futile.
And in the meanwhile, Amina and I just get closer and closer and the future with her looks so good. I want to say that everything is rosy and wonderful and all the gush that comes with love and lovers. But everything is rosy! Everything is great, and I’ve never looked so positively towards the future before. Except that I still don’t want to live to a ripe old age, I still don’t want to be condemned to that. Not yet.
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