198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

If only I will be able to remember this day and be able to always come back to it and remember why things ended up the way they did. I have no faith in this relationship. I have so little faith in the relationship that I don’t even have faith that it’s over, when it is, in fact, over and has been for quite some time.

Even if I could write down a bottom line about why this relationship should be over, in a week, two weeks, who knows, I will just read over it, ignore it, justify it, amend it, clarify it. What’s the use? What are the things I should be remembering? Do the times of love outweigh the times of hate? Tonight we had them both, and there’s no denying it, times of hate ruled the day. Time of hate outweighed the time of love hands down.

What can I say about the fight we had that will make me remember it? And I certainly do want to remember it, because if I don’t remember it, etch it into my memory with every thought I have of her, any future contact doomed to failure, then we will certainly just repeat it. “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day”. How many more days will end with me saying that to myself.

Maybe all I need to remember is her final, “Can you go home now,” after I had been trying so hard to stay. It was so easy. I was out of there like a slingshot without a hesitant step back.

Series VIII, Roll 13 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):

Golden Gate Park:


Frame 6 - John F. Kennedy Drive, close to the ocean.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Aquarius: Fight against the urge to stir things up. Sometimes it’s better to give up than to drown in futility. Spend your resources on battles that you know you can win, and don’t buy more trouble than you can afford. Guard against feelings of pride and arrogance. They could become your tragic flaws if you let them have free reign. Even a well-intentioned prank can turn into something uglier. Channel your efforts to where they will do the most good. This is not a good time to exhibit your weaknesses. Predators have no sympathy.

A pretty good day. I got almost eight hours of sleep last night and I think that has a lot to do with it. I’m getting old, I have to face it, and need more sleep. Just this year I extended my sleeping needs to seven hours, but lately I haven’t even been able to do that.

I had a dream, but I don’t remember it all. What I do remember is that an acquaintance from law school was in love with me and always has been. There was a gentleness and tenderness about the dream, which took place at night in a city. A quaint city that conjured perhaps a residential area of Bangkok, or New Orleans. I remember the distinct youthful feeling of being loved and being in love, so different from what I have with Josephine.

We were just about to reconcile when she told me that she burned the bracelet that I gave her over the summer when she stopped over in Bangkok on her way to India. That bracelet symbolized our second chance, and she burned it.

Last Summer, when we went to Ayuthaya, we bought bracelets to symbolize our togetherness. But in the tumult of our relationship that followed, we both got rid of them. Then I went to Bangkok this Summer and when she came to Bangkok, I presented her with two bracelets, one that I was going to put on her, and the other she put on me. I said, “let’s give this another try”.

It was the symbol of our second chance and she burned it. Symbols are important. And her burning the bracelet told me more about her than all our struggling to reconcile over the phone tonight, more than all our unwillingness to verbally put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. That act told me that the relationship, for our own good, is over. Irregardless of how many times we get back together.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

If I stay away from Josephine long enough, she will fade. It can be over right now and it would make no difference to how I’m living my life and how I see the near future. This fight will be extremely difficult to reconcile and I question whether I really want to. I’ve always felt this relationship has been an “all or none” deal, and that is the result of how our relationship was a year ago. When it was young, when we moved in together, she monopolized my life and demanded more than I should ever give. And even though she has changed and doesn’t demand all or none, the echoes are still here. And no more am I in the “all” camp, and so I am feeling “none”.

Today was another beautiful day, warm and sunny. I finished recording a David Bowie song for fun, and had Japanese noodles for lunch. On the way to school, well way out of the way, I rode to the beach at sunset. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t know if that was it, or whether it was because I got nothing done on my exam, but I was just tired, depressed, and introspective afterwards.

Drinking has also been wiping me out lately. I wonder how my liver is doing. Diem told me her uncle died when he was 34 and he had drinking habits like mine. But I wonder if he ever tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which must wreak havoc on the liver. I haven’t done it in a year, but it is in my history.

I don’t mind dying. On the threshold of turning 30, any time will do now and I don’t plan on changing anything in reaction to the threat of dying. Fine I’ll drink myself to death, or get smashed on my bike in traffic at night because I don’t use lights or a helmet. I welcome dying. It’s almost time.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I gave a talk to today on the ethnic groups of Burma. It felt so good to talk and then be surrounded by people with whom I could actually talk with about human rights and Burma. I’ve been totally deprived of that interaction in the entire time I’ve been involved with Burma issues. I’ve never even discussed the issues with Madoka. That’s a curiosity in itself. Madoka and I used to be able to talk about anything, but now the most obvious thing we’d discuss has never crossed our lips.

So I spent last night and most of today preparing for the talk and rehearsing what I was going to say. In the end, I talked without the script and just tried to let it flow. There were Burmese at the talk and one of the speakers was Burmese, Ko Ko Lay, who talked about his experiences in the 1988 military crackdown and his time on the border and then getting to the U.S.. There was also a Karen woman there, and that was exciting since my talk was on the ethnic groups. I exchanged information with some people and I hope to stay in contact with them.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Not a week has passed since we made up after the last big blowout and here we are again. The same old pattern has re-emerged: things are great for about a month after a major breakup and then we enter a cycle of smaller fights that increase in frequency. I was trying to write an immediately conciliatory e-mail, but something just stopped me. Part of it probably due to her message during our previous fight not to e-mail her anymore. Fuck you. Fine, I won’t.

I feel this huge resentment towards her building up in me. It’s here and shouldn’t be ignored. I remember long ago in previous relationships how I thought in order to find the perfect partner, I had to mark a relationship doomed immediately upon recognizing any incompatibility. Anything otherwise would be forcing something unnatural. I don’t think that’s true anymore; it was a mark of immaturity, but I think there are elements in the sentiment that hold.

Part of me tells me to begin the process of disassociation which will eventually lead to an inevitable breakup. Beginning that process effectually ends the Relationship right now, because it makes it inevitable. Anything that happens between us from here on in will be superficial and a product of only a moment; nothing that will last.

But then there is another part of me that wonders. Haven’t I changed? Aren’t things different? What if I decided to not get stuck in my past persona and recognized the possibilities inherent in my flexibility and ability to change and erase conflict when I so desire and choose?

Instead of viewing fights as another brick in a wall, the completion of which will be marked by a fight followed by absolutely no desire to get back into the Relationship, perhaps fights can be viewed as opportunities. The relationship has come a long way, and there is a whole world of possibilities if I chose to see it that way. Fights indicate that there still are problems of one sort or another, but each problem is a challenge, an obstacle course of negative sentiments, misunderstandings, and poor communications that need to be navigated to the goal of being together.

So being together is the reward? That’s the bottom line, the nagging question that underlies the entire Relationship is whether this is the person I want to be with. And the biggest problem will be the time when the question is answered in the negative. But for now, this time, I will call her because that is what I want to do. I don’t want this to linger any longer than it has to.