247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco

When the news of Kurt Cobain's suicide first broke, the news aired a clip of a teenage girl saying that she lost all respect for him and that killing himself was a cowardly thing to do. Of course the media is going to be quick to air something like that. They need to invalidate him for the safety and security of society at large. They had to put him down and cover him up to make sure no one that his music touched would see his suicide and follow his example.

Kurt Cobain was being called the 'voice of a generation'. He captured and expressed the alienation and disillusionment of today's youth through his music. He was a great cultural icon, an anchor, a signpost to let people on the outside know what was going on in today's youth subculture.

But once he lived up to his words and killed himself, then he became dangerous. He was the real deal, not just a poser; not just a personality to exploit. A 'voice of a generation' that kills himself can be a very dangerous thing. He wasn't a character that the media could shape and toy with like Madonna, Michael Jackson, even Prince. Kurt Cobain's suicide was a dose of reality that the media couldn't control. All there is to do is to invalidate his life and death.

Kurt Cobain was only supposed to be the messenger, not the deliverer. He was supposed to keep the kids happy by expressing what they felt and let them feel a connection. He was supposed to fill the larger society in on what the kids were feeling. He wasn't supposed to demonstrate.

Our society is so cowardly when it comes to dealing with death, and the reality of death and its role in the life cycle. The move to invalidate Kurt Cobain's life by decrying his suicide, his death, is a symptom of society's inability to deal with death and to deny any negative side of reality that we face.

If society wasn't so cowardly, it would look more carefully at his death, and try harder to find out the reasons for his death and validate his life, and still be able to disseminate that suicide is not an answer to problems. It was Kurt Cobain's answer, but it's not the only answer. It was only his answer.

247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco

What if I do get a job? What if I do find a way to live? To survive, to support myself. To survive? To support myself? Will I be satisfied? Will I be fulfilled? Will that accomplish what I want out of life? I don't want to just survive. There has to be more than life than squeezing out survival day by day.

Vikki is visiting the Bay Area and things are much better between us than they were at the end of my time at Oberlin. I've matured. I can handle relationships better. And I think ManAlive has helped make me look at my behavior and interactions with loved ones more carefully. But things aren't perfect. The emotional dynamics are still there, and I still think she makes life miserable for herself.

April is half over and I haven't taken any steps to look for a job. Things are pretty miserable in my life, too. I don't really care, though.

247 19th Ave., #2, San Francisco

I want to blow my brains out.

Kurt Cobain's suicide awakened something in me that has never went away.

This isn't life, this is not all that there is, and I'm sick of it. I want to get to whatever's next, move on instead of slogging around in this illusion. None of this is real, nothing I get from my senses is real and not a single thought that goes through my mind is real. No one is real. If I kill myself and come back not having the knowledge I have now, at least I won't be tortured by this minimal knowledge.

I will know all of nothing rather than a little of an overwhelming lot, blissful in my ignorance, normal and happy to just make money and raise a family. I will suffer as a sentient, but at least I can be blissful. And if it's time for me to get to the next level, the sooner the better. Listen to myself: if I kill myself and come back. What am I talking about, there is no self to kill.

It would be so easy to die. It would be so easy to live. It would be so hard to die. It would be so hard to live.

Kurt Cobain's suicide, for some reason, is real. I don't know why. I want to scream. I want to break out of this. I want to let go. I want to remember everything. I can't go on denying things in my past. I hate my parents, I want to rip their throats out with my bare hands for all they don't know and all they don't realize.

I want to admit all the things I've done wrong and all my faults. I want to face humiliation and be embarrassed to death. I don't want to hide anymore. I want the truth to come out and to show and face the truth. I want the wall torn down and all my anomalies and contradictions exposed. And only by becoming public can I make those things not mine, not me.

Was there anything enlightened about Kurt Cobain? Anything spiritual? He had such an impact on so many people. But he also had no impact on so many people. How to look at it? He was just a pop star? He wrote brilliant songs, he was honest to himself. He was true to his nature and lived what he was and what he wrote. What he wrote was what he was.

What bullshit text states that enlightenment means you’re happy and blissful? What idiot says that being one with the universe means you smile and walk on flowers, yogi painted priest dog asshole. White people sure eat that shit up.

I hate Amina. I hate Amina with every morsel in me. I hate her as much as I hate the 'rents. I hate the thought of her and the thought of her makes me sick. I regret not having the chance to make her burn.

The funny thing is that I was never into Nirvana. Whatever I heard on the radio was really good, but their popularity was a flag to me that they were just a passing trend. My natural reaction is to stay away from trends until the hoopla dies down, and only then can I find out what substance is really there. But something about Cobain killing himself made it real, made it sincere.