I need to figure out why I’m here. I’m so bored with life and reality, I need to figure out who and what I am and how I fit into the scheme of things. I need meaning to all this. This is all so mundane and I know there’s more to it. That’s the most frustrating thing - knowing there is more to this, and living among people who think that what they see and sense is all that there is to it.
I started sitting again yesterday to consider the question of my existence and what I’m going to do about it. Things got worse in the long period of time that I stopped sitting. I don’t know if sitting will help me get my center back, but what have I got to lose. I want to leave, I want to die, I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be despondent when it happens. I want to have figured something out.
Fiction recorded drum tracks for a new CD this past weekend. I’m fronting a positive attitude despite my continued annoyance with the band.
Monday, April 30, 2001
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
I took two days off of work last Thursday and Friday to travel with the band to Chico to play at the Nowhere X Nowhere festival - a spoof on other popular music festival names, and making fun of the fact that Chico is out in the middle of nowhere.
It was a good trip and I had a lot of fun, but not because I’m into the band. There were bands booked at a bunch of venues that were really close to each other, and as "talent" we had passes to all the venues, so it was good fun just going from venue to venue checking out different bands. Especially since a lot of the bands were from San Francisco.
I stayed apart from the rest of the band for most part. I don't know what's wrong with me. My critical mind comes out and no one can do anything right. I don't express anything, since I know my thoughts and feelings are totally irrational and baseless, I just keep my distance and close off and drink. All the reasons why I don't have any friends.
I didn’t know that I would dig the NxN festival as much as I did. I was also apprehensive about the roadtrip and leaving town for any length of time. I guess I’ve become a bit of a homebody. I would have liked to have stayed longer in Chico, but I wanted to come back by Saturday because Bob was going to be in town for a conference in San Jose.
It was a good trip and I had a lot of fun, but not because I’m into the band. There were bands booked at a bunch of venues that were really close to each other, and as "talent" we had passes to all the venues, so it was good fun just going from venue to venue checking out different bands. Especially since a lot of the bands were from San Francisco.
I stayed apart from the rest of the band for most part. I don't know what's wrong with me. My critical mind comes out and no one can do anything right. I don't express anything, since I know my thoughts and feelings are totally irrational and baseless, I just keep my distance and close off and drink. All the reasons why I don't have any friends.
I didn’t know that I would dig the NxN festival as much as I did. I was also apprehensive about the roadtrip and leaving town for any length of time. I guess I’ve become a bit of a homebody. I would have liked to have stayed longer in Chico, but I wanted to come back by Saturday because Bob was going to be in town for a conference in San Jose.
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