I went on that trip last week. I drove down to Southern California last Friday, went to Joshua Tree on Saturday, hung out with Rosalie on Sunday, drove to Sequoia National Park and Kings Canyon on Monday, and drove home on Tuesday, sweeping through Yosemite. There were good points and bad points. Joshua Tree was amazing, I love the desert, it was warm and exciting. A major bad point was Daylight Savings Time ending during the trip, so by the time I was heading to Sequoia National Park, I knew I would have an hour less of daylight.
The Giant Redwoods in Sequoia weren’t spectacular, I think I’m more awed by the tall coastal Redwoods. It was a nice drive through the park, though, and Kings Canyon was incredible, even though I got there after dark. It started raining during the night and it didn’t let up, so that ruined my plans to do some hikes before heading back to San Francisco. But since I was leaving so early, I decided to divert through Yosemite. Even in the rain and fog and mist, Yosemite was quite beautiful. I would like to go to Yosemite and Kings Canyon next Spring or Summer. Mono Lake, too. I also want to drive up the North Coast to see the coastal Redwoods and do a bike ride I’ve read about.
I started cutting again. It felt good. I felt whole again. Maybe not “whole”, but I felt like I was myself again. Nothing serious, just scratches with a utility knife. Lines that heal within a few days.
No more daylight savings. It’s dark by the time I get out of work. Another Winter to get through. A Bay Area “Winter”. I can get through it. February 17, 2003.
Showing posts with label moods emotions mentality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moods emotions mentality. Show all posts
Friday, November 02, 2001
Tuesday, December 05, 2000
1557 Noe Street, San Francisco
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m emotionally drained and I’ve hit a wall. I’ve been drinking like never before and I don’t know how much more I can take it. Getting over Ritu’s death has been hard.
What is my life? None of this is real, none of this has been real; just stupid clouds passing through my life. I need to land and I can’t find an island. All of my feelings have been stupid, and none of it has been real. There has to be more than this.
I’ll make it to the end of the year. I’ll make it into several months of next year. Music is the only thing sustaining me and getting me to that point, but if it looks like a dead-end after that point, I’m not going to bother. It’s not the only option I have, I know that, but it’s the option I’m going to choose. I need to shut off emotionally to get me there. If I keep feeling I won’t make it.
What is my life? None of this is real, none of this has been real; just stupid clouds passing through my life. I need to land and I can’t find an island. All of my feelings have been stupid, and none of it has been real. There has to be more than this.
I’ll make it to the end of the year. I’ll make it into several months of next year. Music is the only thing sustaining me and getting me to that point, but if it looks like a dead-end after that point, I’m not going to bother. It’s not the only option I have, I know that, but it’s the option I’m going to choose. I need to shut off emotionally to get me there. If I keep feeling I won’t make it.
Friday, October 06, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I slept for 10 hours last night and went to work feeling rejuvenated. I felt for the first time that I'm really getting back to how I was like before Ritu died. I don't know how accurate that is, but I felt I was more cheery, for lack of a better word, than I've been in weeks.
Tuesday, September 26, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
The past week has been a roller-coaster, both emotionally and at work, since hearing the news about Ritu. It seems so long ago that we dealt with the impact of the news. So many emotions, so many phases of dealing with it. Then our team was displaced at work, making a big temporary move up to the 18th floor. Josefa and I were physically removed from the daily reminder of the context of Ritu at work.
Now we're dealing with our problems as a legal team. Theresa is stressed and exasperated. Josefa and I are buried in our workloads. We talk about Ritu, but we don't discuss her anymore. We hang out a lot. There is some attraction, but no chemistry. We might just float in it for a while and then it will fade.
Fiction hired a new guitarist and we have a gig booked for October 20. Things are picking up and we're taking things on with a new attitude. This is how it should have always been. Just go for it. You get no where if you're bogged down trying to be 100% prepared for a gig and having found The Perfect Part for a song. You don't grow without challenges to stumble over, so it's perfect that we only have three and a half weeks before our first gig in this line-up.
Now we're dealing with our problems as a legal team. Theresa is stressed and exasperated. Josefa and I are buried in our workloads. We talk about Ritu, but we don't discuss her anymore. We hang out a lot. There is some attraction, but no chemistry. We might just float in it for a while and then it will fade.
Fiction hired a new guitarist and we have a gig booked for October 20. Things are picking up and we're taking things on with a new attitude. This is how it should have always been. Just go for it. You get no where if you're bogged down trying to be 100% prepared for a gig and having found The Perfect Part for a song. You don't grow without challenges to stumble over, so it's perfect that we only have three and a half weeks before our first gig in this line-up.
Thursday, July 27, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
No one I know knows about my past. I mention to people how my goal is to not live past 34 and no one knows anything about that or where that comes from.
I have no connection to my past. I don't have a past to connect to. I don't know where this thought is coming from. The only remnant I have from high school is Liz. Very odd. She's an old friend and acquaintance now. It's like we never went out. I don't think of her as an ex-girlfriend at all. The only emotional remnant I have of high school is Shiho and I lost that connection a long time ago.
I think back to the years in high school with Shiho. I think of her house in Fort Lee. I try to see what I remember. I remember the basement where we mostly hung out. The color of the room, watching MTV. The stairs that led upstairs. At the top of the stairs, turn left and it's the kitchen. Turn right and there's a hall, her room was just to the right, the living room was left from there. We were teenagers. There was one time that her mom came home and was furious that we were hanging out in her room. She shouldn't have been bringing boys into her private place. But that's where she wanted me. I didn't appreciate her until almost ten years later when it was too late.
I have no connection to my past. I don't have a past to connect to. I don't know where this thought is coming from. The only remnant I have from high school is Liz. Very odd. She's an old friend and acquaintance now. It's like we never went out. I don't think of her as an ex-girlfriend at all. The only emotional remnant I have of high school is Shiho and I lost that connection a long time ago.
I think back to the years in high school with Shiho. I think of her house in Fort Lee. I try to see what I remember. I remember the basement where we mostly hung out. The color of the room, watching MTV. The stairs that led upstairs. At the top of the stairs, turn left and it's the kitchen. Turn right and there's a hall, her room was just to the right, the living room was left from there. We were teenagers. There was one time that her mom came home and was furious that we were hanging out in her room. She shouldn't have been bringing boys into her private place. But that's where she wanted me. I didn't appreciate her until almost ten years later when it was too late.
Friday, December 17, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
A better day. I think the problem with my mood has a lot to do with the weather and work. All day I’m in a corner cube that I like because of the privacy, but I get no sun during the day. When I get off work, the sun is already gone and that may be the cause of the feeling of emptiness when I get out. At least when I’m working, I’m productive. I’m doing something. When I stop working, I just don’t feel like doing anything.
I’ve gotten some of my perspective back and that helped a lot this evening. I can’t let myself get sucked into life. I can’t get confused about the difference between life and existence. Life, I don’t know what that is. Existence is what all appearances are. Everyone may be living, but to me they are just existing. My surroundings are not real, they are just pictures, images. Physical reality is just as intangible as thoughts.
If I remember what I’m doing here, I’ll be alright. If I remember that I’m just here to observe and question reality and investigate the fabric that makes it up, I’ll be alright emotionally. Emotions are such an inconvenience.
I’ve gotten some of my perspective back and that helped a lot this evening. I can’t let myself get sucked into life. I can’t get confused about the difference between life and existence. Life, I don’t know what that is. Existence is what all appearances are. Everyone may be living, but to me they are just existing. My surroundings are not real, they are just pictures, images. Physical reality is just as intangible as thoughts.
If I remember what I’m doing here, I’ll be alright. If I remember that I’m just here to observe and question reality and investigate the fabric that makes it up, I’ll be alright emotionally. Emotions are such an inconvenience.
Friday, September 17, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Still no job, still playing lots of Nintendo. I got a job lead with a personal in - Anita’s friend, Ritu, is hiring legal assistants, but their friendship is on the rocks, and this thing has been dragging on for two weeks. I don’t know if that is normal.
I hit rock bottom a few days ago. The job frustration was exacerbated by a flare up of tendinitis caused by playing my hollow-body bass hard, competing against two acoustic guitars, and a bout of seasonal affective distortion, not quite a disorder.
It took me a whole day to get out of the funk. I think it’s been a while since I’ve been so low. Depression has a texture which is almost physical to me, as do good moods. They are mental textures, but they aren’t completely intangible and so I’m able to control them pretty well. I can feel the texture of depression and then I can use my mind to feel a good mood texture. The texture is like a blanket that surrounds me and I can feel it on my skin and in my bones and in tension of my muscles.
In general, I don’t distinguish between the reality of physical objects and intangible things that exist in the physical world like imagination, fantasy, ideas. They are all a part of the same symbolic reality and therefore have the same substance. The difference between them is just in the form of existence. An analogy is between the different forms of existence of water. Water can exist as an intangible gas, as a fluid liquid, or as a solid. But they all have their existence in the same reality – they are all basically water.
So the substantive reality of depression (and moods) is the same as a physical object that I can move from one room to another. Even though it’s intangible, it’s still part of the symbolic reality.
To get to what is not part of the symbolic reality, one must be able to lock onto all things perceivable by the senses as symbolic, rather than Real. Physical existence, anything that can be sensed is not Real. What is real is what the symbols stand for, the meaning, and only intuition can sense that.
When I sit, anything I consciously do or think during sitting is not real. Thoughts come and go, I can sense my mind working on another level or being in some other “place”, but none of it means anything, all of it can be let go as irrelevant. The “value” in sitting, not that value has anything to do with it, is in what is happening in my mind on a level that I can’t sense. It’s the intuition that is developing in my mind, or developing my mind on a level I can’t perceive, but has its expression in the symbolic world.
It didn’t automatically happen that moods and feelings are textures to me. It took a long time to realize they were textures, and then it took an even longer time to realize that because they are textures, they are as controllable as physical objects. But it all happened on a level that I wasn’t aware of, I didn’t do anything.
I hit rock bottom a few days ago. The job frustration was exacerbated by a flare up of tendinitis caused by playing my hollow-body bass hard, competing against two acoustic guitars, and a bout of seasonal affective distortion, not quite a disorder.
It took me a whole day to get out of the funk. I think it’s been a while since I’ve been so low. Depression has a texture which is almost physical to me, as do good moods. They are mental textures, but they aren’t completely intangible and so I’m able to control them pretty well. I can feel the texture of depression and then I can use my mind to feel a good mood texture. The texture is like a blanket that surrounds me and I can feel it on my skin and in my bones and in tension of my muscles.
In general, I don’t distinguish between the reality of physical objects and intangible things that exist in the physical world like imagination, fantasy, ideas. They are all a part of the same symbolic reality and therefore have the same substance. The difference between them is just in the form of existence. An analogy is between the different forms of existence of water. Water can exist as an intangible gas, as a fluid liquid, or as a solid. But they all have their existence in the same reality – they are all basically water.
So the substantive reality of depression (and moods) is the same as a physical object that I can move from one room to another. Even though it’s intangible, it’s still part of the symbolic reality.
To get to what is not part of the symbolic reality, one must be able to lock onto all things perceivable by the senses as symbolic, rather than Real. Physical existence, anything that can be sensed is not Real. What is real is what the symbols stand for, the meaning, and only intuition can sense that.
When I sit, anything I consciously do or think during sitting is not real. Thoughts come and go, I can sense my mind working on another level or being in some other “place”, but none of it means anything, all of it can be let go as irrelevant. The “value” in sitting, not that value has anything to do with it, is in what is happening in my mind on a level that I can’t sense. It’s the intuition that is developing in my mind, or developing my mind on a level I can’t perceive, but has its expression in the symbolic world.
It didn’t automatically happen that moods and feelings are textures to me. It took a long time to realize they were textures, and then it took an even longer time to realize that because they are textures, they are as controllable as physical objects. But it all happened on a level that I wasn’t aware of, I didn’t do anything.
Friday, August 13, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
The most pressingly frustrating thing that is characterizing this period of my life, which I’m hoping means only this Summer, is that I don’t have a job and I don’t have a strategy for finding one. I did go to a job fair on Tuesday and I signed up at a temp agency and I’m hoping they will call me sometime next week. If they don’t, I have no idea what’s going on.
Actually, the weather qualifies as a close second to the most pressingly frustrating thing characterizing this period of my life. This Summer has been absolutely miserable cold and it has even drizzled several times. It’s been cold and windy, and frustrating is the only way to describe it. Of course this is the first Summer I’ve been in San Francisco in three years.
I like where I live now. It’s not ideal ideal, but it’s more than satisfactory so I should clock my appreciation for that. This end of Noe Street is quiet and sees a reasonable amount of sun. The ceiling of this apartment is really thin so we can hear just about everything going on upstairs and that could be annoying, but I think we might be just as noisy to them.
I’m a little uneasy describing the physical space as comfortable, because I’m uneasy with physical space overall. There are times when the physicality of my surroundings seems so very arbitrary, and I know that most people don’t question such things. Physical surroundings are indisputable facts, they are not up for discussion or debate. It is such a basic thing that I’m struggling with, it’s kinda pointless, but not to me.
And in stranger times I feel that intangible things like dreams and hopes have less abstract forms and they feel more like fabrics, but just in my mind. Well, that’s self-contradictory, but I’m questioning what anything means to be “in my mind” because theoretically, everything is in my mind, or everything is my mind. So I’m sorta re-defining tangibility for myself, too.
So a final bit of confusion is in questioning what it means to be inside me and what it means to be outside. I’m supposed to be looking “inside” me, but where is that? Not a question to be taken lightly, but often done so.
Actually, the weather qualifies as a close second to the most pressingly frustrating thing characterizing this period of my life. This Summer has been absolutely miserable cold and it has even drizzled several times. It’s been cold and windy, and frustrating is the only way to describe it. Of course this is the first Summer I’ve been in San Francisco in three years.
I like where I live now. It’s not ideal ideal, but it’s more than satisfactory so I should clock my appreciation for that. This end of Noe Street is quiet and sees a reasonable amount of sun. The ceiling of this apartment is really thin so we can hear just about everything going on upstairs and that could be annoying, but I think we might be just as noisy to them.
I’m a little uneasy describing the physical space as comfortable, because I’m uneasy with physical space overall. There are times when the physicality of my surroundings seems so very arbitrary, and I know that most people don’t question such things. Physical surroundings are indisputable facts, they are not up for discussion or debate. It is such a basic thing that I’m struggling with, it’s kinda pointless, but not to me.
And in stranger times I feel that intangible things like dreams and hopes have less abstract forms and they feel more like fabrics, but just in my mind. Well, that’s self-contradictory, but I’m questioning what anything means to be “in my mind” because theoretically, everything is in my mind, or everything is my mind. So I’m sorta re-defining tangibility for myself, too.
So a final bit of confusion is in questioning what it means to be inside me and what it means to be outside. I’m supposed to be looking “inside” me, but where is that? Not a question to be taken lightly, but often done so.
Sunday, April 04, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I’ve been anti-social and distanced from people and friends. Even the people closest to me, my housemates I’ve been keeping at arms distance. I’ve begun sitting again which is really good if I can keep it up. It may be a whole new phase of spiritual development. By spiritual, I mean the relationship between myself and the rest of the world and how it relates to existence in general, my existence, and my role as an individual as part of an interconnected whole. The first phase was mostly the learning phase, being exposed to new concepts and formulating my own ideas. The second phase is...whatever, I have no idea; whatever comes next. Now, that is. The second phase is getting over the feeling that I have answers and re-figuring out what the questions are.
It is a phase that also comes with age. Becoming thirty and having nothing under my belt to show for my twenties. I didn’t do anything for the whole of my twenties and there’s no going back. I’m trying not to regret it, I should take it as fate. But with my twenties in the past and nothing having been done, I look at my thirties before me, and whatever I do in my thirties, it’s only ten years until I hit forty. And I do not intend to live much longer beyond that unless I enter a monastery and renounce the world.
I’m still trying to let go of Josephine. I think we’re out of touch now. There’s nothing to hold onto anymore, all the meaning has been negated and rendered moot. Nothing left to even warrant a response to a call out. I am so adverse to getting intimate to anyone now. I’ll get over it, I’m sure, but whenever I think of the possibility of getting close to someone, I just react against it.
I need to work on my inability to feel and the layers and layers of repression that have buried my feelings. I am aware that there is something in me that I’m completely out of touch with. How to get in touch with it and what to do with it after I figure it out is my task.
It is a phase that also comes with age. Becoming thirty and having nothing under my belt to show for my twenties. I didn’t do anything for the whole of my twenties and there’s no going back. I’m trying not to regret it, I should take it as fate. But with my twenties in the past and nothing having been done, I look at my thirties before me, and whatever I do in my thirties, it’s only ten years until I hit forty. And I do not intend to live much longer beyond that unless I enter a monastery and renounce the world.
I’m still trying to let go of Josephine. I think we’re out of touch now. There’s nothing to hold onto anymore, all the meaning has been negated and rendered moot. Nothing left to even warrant a response to a call out. I am so adverse to getting intimate to anyone now. I’ll get over it, I’m sure, but whenever I think of the possibility of getting close to someone, I just react against it.
I need to work on my inability to feel and the layers and layers of repression that have buried my feelings. I am aware that there is something in me that I’m completely out of touch with. How to get in touch with it and what to do with it after I figure it out is my task.
Tuesday, March 16, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Things aren’t getting any better, it’s just getting clearer how bad things are, but that’s just the nature of these times.
I keep two separate worlds, two separate faces, and my public face lets nothing show of my private face. A nice surface veneer masking a rotted interior.
Going to New Jersey served its purpose, it got me away from here and helped me get a little clearer about how bad things are and where I need to go. There’s so much I want to be doing, things that I think I can do, but I’m not because I have no discipline and I’ve gotten weak with no personal constitution. I’ve changed so much from before and I’m not sure I like how I’ve become.
I’m also in an anti-social phase in my life and that has kept me from being comfortable getting in touch with people.
People only see my public face and they see that I’m alright. And I will be alright, it’s just a matter of how I get through this phase. I need a plan, I need some discipline, I need to get angry about something and act on it in a positive way. I need to sink lower and continue to destroy myself and laugh at the joke I’m playing on the world.
I keep two separate worlds, two separate faces, and my public face lets nothing show of my private face. A nice surface veneer masking a rotted interior.
Going to New Jersey served its purpose, it got me away from here and helped me get a little clearer about how bad things are and where I need to go. There’s so much I want to be doing, things that I think I can do, but I’m not because I have no discipline and I’ve gotten weak with no personal constitution. I’ve changed so much from before and I’m not sure I like how I’ve become.
I’m also in an anti-social phase in my life and that has kept me from being comfortable getting in touch with people.
People only see my public face and they see that I’m alright. And I will be alright, it’s just a matter of how I get through this phase. I need a plan, I need some discipline, I need to get angry about something and act on it in a positive way. I need to sink lower and continue to destroy myself and laugh at the joke I’m playing on the world.
Monday, March 01, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Life has been sucking lately. Nothing is wrong with it, it’s just sort of empty and surface-appearance like. Nothing around me has any substance. Ah, it’s March - the start of suicide season. March and April are always the hardest to get through, even knowing I won’t off myself anymore. There’s no connection in my life, and so in these times it feels like I try a little too hard to make a connection and I come across as being desperate. Maybe I need to let go a little more, loosen my grip on reality and feel a little more what’s behind the appearances and within me. That’s the hardest part.
I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve repressed all my real feelings and they’re deep inside now. I couldn’t conjure them if I wanted to. I have no conception of what they are or what they are like. I don’t feel anymore and anyone who gets too close to those feelings are going to experience a lashing out. Maybe that’s why it was comfortable with Josephine, she never would get that close, she just didn’t have that empathy.
I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve repressed all my real feelings and they’re deep inside now. I couldn’t conjure them if I wanted to. I have no conception of what they are or what they are like. I don’t feel anymore and anyone who gets too close to those feelings are going to experience a lashing out. Maybe that’s why it was comfortable with Josephine, she never would get that close, she just didn’t have that empathy.
Wednesday, February 17, 1999
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
January was a bad rehearsal month. We missed a bunch of rehearsals, at one point not playing as a full band for two weeks. So when it looked like it was happening again this month, I was getting seriously frustrated. With two months in a row, I start wondering if this is going to be the pattern.
Not that the reasons for not having full rehearsals were bad, Josh got a lung infection as a reaction to quitting smoking, and Lisa left town to visit her girlfriend in Vermont. It was just the situation I was whining about, mostly to Chris. Missing rehearsals was really hard on me because it doesn’t allow me to get comfortable playing with them and familiar with their styles. It prevents the material from sinking in and postpones my readiness to play out. It certainly doesn’t help my confidence about how I’m playing.
Overall, it just feels like the band isn’t doing anything or going anywhere. Chris and I went to see a bunch of bands last weekend and it was pretty depressing seeing bands that were really tight and who obviously were putting more than 100% into it. We’re not even close to that. We still kick ass, but that’s not the point. If we easily could be better, then it sucks if we aren’t.
We had our rehearsal tonight, and unlike the rehearsal after the two week hiatus last month, it was good. There were lots of mistakes, but the energy was pretty electric. Josh and Chris were on fire and Lisa sounded great. It totally boosted my spirits. The energy was there, the talent is there, but on the other hand, we were also sloppy and we didn’t feel like a band that has been playing a lot, there wasn’t that connection. We weren’t as tight as we could be and we didn’t groove as tightly as we need to.
I need to learn from this situation and frustration. I have to keep looking hard at how I’m feeling and keeping perspective in light of all of the signs I’ve been figuring out in the past few months. Things to keep in mind: I’m the new member in the band, I don’t “demand” anything. I’m committed to this band as a member and as a part of my life. Their significance in my life is not strictly professional, they mean something to me, they are my friends and support group and I care about them.
Patience is a necessity, but I also have to watch how I’m interacting with them and make sure I don’t overstep my bounds while not keeping my feelings repressed. Like when I’m frustrated, there are things I shouldn’t do and things I should. I shouldn’t be passive-aggressive and be pissy at rehearsals. I should tell them my needs and gauge them so that they are acceptable. So if I’m getting frustrated at the amount of time we’re spending on covers or writing new songs, I need to realize that they need to be working on new stuff and that they’ve been doing this material for several years now. I need to go along with whatever new things they want to do, but ask them to go through a set list at every rehearsal. Tonight we went through a tentative set list for a gig next month, so that was taken care of.
I spoke with Angie Chen today. I haven’t talked to her in fifteen years. She stayed with Rob and Lizzie in Philly last week and got my number from them. I barely knew her in high school. I was a first year and she was in Rob and Lizzie’s class but dropped out. Which is why I thought she was in Tom’s class. I knew her from Jazz/Rock; she sang ‘She’s Not There’, ‘Let It Be’, and she played a song she wrote which I thought was so totally cool.
It was great talking to her. I think we have a lot in common and a lot to talk about. We could have been friends had we been closer in age, but fortunately we weren’t because if we were friends in high school, we wouldn’t be friends now. Not even Shiho has lasted until now. Shiho gave a ten year run for her money. And as unstable as both Angie and I were, there’s no way that we could have remained friends.
Not that the reasons for not having full rehearsals were bad, Josh got a lung infection as a reaction to quitting smoking, and Lisa left town to visit her girlfriend in Vermont. It was just the situation I was whining about, mostly to Chris. Missing rehearsals was really hard on me because it doesn’t allow me to get comfortable playing with them and familiar with their styles. It prevents the material from sinking in and postpones my readiness to play out. It certainly doesn’t help my confidence about how I’m playing.
Overall, it just feels like the band isn’t doing anything or going anywhere. Chris and I went to see a bunch of bands last weekend and it was pretty depressing seeing bands that were really tight and who obviously were putting more than 100% into it. We’re not even close to that. We still kick ass, but that’s not the point. If we easily could be better, then it sucks if we aren’t.
We had our rehearsal tonight, and unlike the rehearsal after the two week hiatus last month, it was good. There were lots of mistakes, but the energy was pretty electric. Josh and Chris were on fire and Lisa sounded great. It totally boosted my spirits. The energy was there, the talent is there, but on the other hand, we were also sloppy and we didn’t feel like a band that has been playing a lot, there wasn’t that connection. We weren’t as tight as we could be and we didn’t groove as tightly as we need to.
I need to learn from this situation and frustration. I have to keep looking hard at how I’m feeling and keeping perspective in light of all of the signs I’ve been figuring out in the past few months. Things to keep in mind: I’m the new member in the band, I don’t “demand” anything. I’m committed to this band as a member and as a part of my life. Their significance in my life is not strictly professional, they mean something to me, they are my friends and support group and I care about them.
Patience is a necessity, but I also have to watch how I’m interacting with them and make sure I don’t overstep my bounds while not keeping my feelings repressed. Like when I’m frustrated, there are things I shouldn’t do and things I should. I shouldn’t be passive-aggressive and be pissy at rehearsals. I should tell them my needs and gauge them so that they are acceptable. So if I’m getting frustrated at the amount of time we’re spending on covers or writing new songs, I need to realize that they need to be working on new stuff and that they’ve been doing this material for several years now. I need to go along with whatever new things they want to do, but ask them to go through a set list at every rehearsal. Tonight we went through a tentative set list for a gig next month, so that was taken care of.
I spoke with Angie Chen today. I haven’t talked to her in fifteen years. She stayed with Rob and Lizzie in Philly last week and got my number from them. I barely knew her in high school. I was a first year and she was in Rob and Lizzie’s class but dropped out. Which is why I thought she was in Tom’s class. I knew her from Jazz/Rock; she sang ‘She’s Not There’, ‘Let It Be’, and she played a song she wrote which I thought was so totally cool.
It was great talking to her. I think we have a lot in common and a lot to talk about. We could have been friends had we been closer in age, but fortunately we weren’t because if we were friends in high school, we wouldn’t be friends now. Not even Shiho has lasted until now. Shiho gave a ten year run for her money. And as unstable as both Angie and I were, there’s no way that we could have remained friends.
Friday, November 20, 1998
198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco
Everything is a mess, my existence, my life, my well-being, my awareness, my perception are all crashing down around me and I don’t feel a thing. I can’t touch it. I have consciousness, that’s about it. Everything is so shaky. I’m not doing anything and I’m totally unmotivated and I’m finding little satisfaction in anything. Another cycle of self-destruction.
I love Josephine, but there is no doubt that the relationship was not working and would continue not working. And that’s what is hardest. The temptation is so great to get back in touch with her, the desire is fully there, but I have to resist, restrain, discipline.
But now I don’t think I could go back to the relationship even if I succumbed to the temptation. Upon her decision to end it once and for all, my life has completely jumped tracks. I’m on a completely different set of tracks, headed in a new direction, and the idea of getting back on the tracks I was on when I was with her is almost impossible now, it’s unthinkable.
But yea, that was it. That was the final decision and there is no going back on it. That was the point. The fights were the proof. The distrust was huge. The relationship was at its critical juncture, and we chose to end it instead of finding out a plan how to make it better and then executing it. Neither of us had any idea what sort of plan might have worked. Neither of us had the will to execute it, too much shit between us, too much distrust.
So maybe it isn’t my life that is a mess. Maybe this is what it feels like to be devastated over a relationship. Maybe all this is just about breaking up with Josephine and how that feels. And once I recover from the breakup, my life and feelings won’t be so tortured. So I’m growing. And I really love her and miss her. And the thought of the day that she leaves for Taiwan is unthinkable. Who will take her to the airport, who will be there to see her off? My heart will shatter when she leaves. Darling sweet Josephine. But that’s the way it has to be.
I love Josephine, but there is no doubt that the relationship was not working and would continue not working. And that’s what is hardest. The temptation is so great to get back in touch with her, the desire is fully there, but I have to resist, restrain, discipline.
But now I don’t think I could go back to the relationship even if I succumbed to the temptation. Upon her decision to end it once and for all, my life has completely jumped tracks. I’m on a completely different set of tracks, headed in a new direction, and the idea of getting back on the tracks I was on when I was with her is almost impossible now, it’s unthinkable.
But yea, that was it. That was the final decision and there is no going back on it. That was the point. The fights were the proof. The distrust was huge. The relationship was at its critical juncture, and we chose to end it instead of finding out a plan how to make it better and then executing it. Neither of us had any idea what sort of plan might have worked. Neither of us had the will to execute it, too much shit between us, too much distrust.
So maybe it isn’t my life that is a mess. Maybe this is what it feels like to be devastated over a relationship. Maybe all this is just about breaking up with Josephine and how that feels. And once I recover from the breakup, my life and feelings won’t be so tortured. So I’m growing. And I really love her and miss her. And the thought of the day that she leaves for Taiwan is unthinkable. Who will take her to the airport, who will be there to see her off? My heart will shatter when she leaves. Darling sweet Josephine. But that’s the way it has to be.
Tuesday, October 20, 1998
198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco
If I stay away from Josephine long enough, she will fade. It can be over right now and it would make no difference to how I’m living my life and how I see the near future. This fight will be extremely difficult to reconcile and I question whether I really want to. I’ve always felt this relationship has been an “all or none” deal, and that is the result of how our relationship was a year ago. When it was young, when we moved in together, she monopolized my life and demanded more than I should ever give. And even though she has changed and doesn’t demand all or none, the echoes are still here. And no more am I in the “all” camp, and so I am feeling “none”.
Today was another beautiful day, warm and sunny. I finished recording a David Bowie song for fun, and had Japanese noodles for lunch. On the way to school, well way out of the way, I rode to the beach at sunset. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t know if that was it, or whether it was because I got nothing done on my exam, but I was just tired, depressed, and introspective afterwards.
Drinking has also been wiping me out lately. I wonder how my liver is doing. Diem told me her uncle died when he was 34 and he had drinking habits like mine. But I wonder if he ever tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which must wreak havoc on the liver. I haven’t done it in a year, but it is in my history.
I don’t mind dying. On the threshold of turning 30, any time will do now and I don’t plan on changing anything in reaction to the threat of dying. Fine I’ll drink myself to death, or get smashed on my bike in traffic at night because I don’t use lights or a helmet. I welcome dying. It’s almost time.
Today was another beautiful day, warm and sunny. I finished recording a David Bowie song for fun, and had Japanese noodles for lunch. On the way to school, well way out of the way, I rode to the beach at sunset. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t know if that was it, or whether it was because I got nothing done on my exam, but I was just tired, depressed, and introspective afterwards.
Drinking has also been wiping me out lately. I wonder how my liver is doing. Diem told me her uncle died when he was 34 and he had drinking habits like mine. But I wonder if he ever tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which must wreak havoc on the liver. I haven’t done it in a year, but it is in my history.
I don’t mind dying. On the threshold of turning 30, any time will do now and I don’t plan on changing anything in reaction to the threat of dying. Fine I’ll drink myself to death, or get smashed on my bike in traffic at night because I don’t use lights or a helmet. I welcome dying. It’s almost time.
Friday, July 11, 1997
Bangkok, Thailand
Josephine and I are still experiencing ups and downs. Today was a major down, but we ignored and avoided each other to prevent a fight. So, we're still holding to our promise not to fight, but I think she's straining. Three cars went up to Ayuthaya where Josephine and I went last week.
Apparently Josephine encountered some sort of epiphany last night and she's forging out a newfound independence and freewill. So we were trying to decide whether we were going to go on this little excursion today. It was an unnecessary trip by any account since we just went last week. So we decided not to go. But then I thought that this is going to be the last group excursion since the program is pretty much over and people are going their respective directions next week. So I decided to go. Then she decided to go because I decided to go. Halfway through the day, when we were deciding where to go next in Ayuthaya, Josephine suggested going home and said that she was bored.
My confidence in this relationship is very low at this point. We avoided a fight by avoiding each other. I decided adamantly that I wasn't going to see her or talk to her tonight, and I hold to that. That's OK, really. Avoiding a problem is better than fighting as far as I'm concerned, that's how sick of fighting I am. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot to avoid fights. So what we did was definitely the preferable course of action. What the tension between us says about the relationship is another thing.
My dislike for Sui has reached new lows as it appears Josephine's friendship with her has reached a new height. They spoke in Chinese for most of the ride back, and I realized how comfortable she sounded speaking in Chinese, even though the communication wasn't smooth since Sui's Mandarin isn't perfect. I'm realizing the huge communication barrier between us. It's fine for me using English because I'm not the one struggling with a foreign language. But for Josephine, there is so much that she can't express, and she is constrained by our limitation to English. That's another reason to believe we're wrong for each other.
Well, if avoiding and ignoring problems is how we deal with problems, I can deal with it at this point. In those times of tension, I just need to be by myself, let things cool down and when we get back together, pretend nothing happened. Story of my life.
Suicide is also not a settled issue come Josephine. It's still certainly here, albeit dormant for the past few weeks. The past few weeks haven't been reality. Bangkok, the YMCA hotel, rooms across the hall from each other. I haven't thought about reality in a while and I have the opportunity to avoid it even more, having applied for another year in school.
The possibility does cross my mind, though, of not returning to the States at all. Doing it here would certainly feel much better than in San Francisco. Do it after Madoka and I return to Bangkok. When I'm supposed to go to the airport, not to.
The current plans are that I'm supposed to go to Taiwan for a few days to see Josephine there. Those plans have two days to get scrapped if a fight gets out of hand. If they do get scrapped, then I think I’ll take it as a sign and start planning on not going back to the States. These euphemisms are getting out of hand. “Waking up tomorrow”, “not go back to the States”? Come on.
Apparently Josephine encountered some sort of epiphany last night and she's forging out a newfound independence and freewill. So we were trying to decide whether we were going to go on this little excursion today. It was an unnecessary trip by any account since we just went last week. So we decided not to go. But then I thought that this is going to be the last group excursion since the program is pretty much over and people are going their respective directions next week. So I decided to go. Then she decided to go because I decided to go. Halfway through the day, when we were deciding where to go next in Ayuthaya, Josephine suggested going home and said that she was bored.
My confidence in this relationship is very low at this point. We avoided a fight by avoiding each other. I decided adamantly that I wasn't going to see her or talk to her tonight, and I hold to that. That's OK, really. Avoiding a problem is better than fighting as far as I'm concerned, that's how sick of fighting I am. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot to avoid fights. So what we did was definitely the preferable course of action. What the tension between us says about the relationship is another thing.
My dislike for Sui has reached new lows as it appears Josephine's friendship with her has reached a new height. They spoke in Chinese for most of the ride back, and I realized how comfortable she sounded speaking in Chinese, even though the communication wasn't smooth since Sui's Mandarin isn't perfect. I'm realizing the huge communication barrier between us. It's fine for me using English because I'm not the one struggling with a foreign language. But for Josephine, there is so much that she can't express, and she is constrained by our limitation to English. That's another reason to believe we're wrong for each other.
Well, if avoiding and ignoring problems is how we deal with problems, I can deal with it at this point. In those times of tension, I just need to be by myself, let things cool down and when we get back together, pretend nothing happened. Story of my life.
Suicide is also not a settled issue come Josephine. It's still certainly here, albeit dormant for the past few weeks. The past few weeks haven't been reality. Bangkok, the YMCA hotel, rooms across the hall from each other. I haven't thought about reality in a while and I have the opportunity to avoid it even more, having applied for another year in school.
The possibility does cross my mind, though, of not returning to the States at all. Doing it here would certainly feel much better than in San Francisco. Do it after Madoka and I return to Bangkok. When I'm supposed to go to the airport, not to.
The current plans are that I'm supposed to go to Taiwan for a few days to see Josephine there. Those plans have two days to get scrapped if a fight gets out of hand. If they do get scrapped, then I think I’ll take it as a sign and start planning on not going back to the States. These euphemisms are getting out of hand. “Waking up tomorrow”, “not go back to the States”? Come on.
Sunday, June 30, 1996
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
June 1996
It has become harder and harder to face the reality of my existence, that I’m here, a living being.
I have such trouble expressing myself and my feelings. I have such trouble even recognizing them. I bottle them up and it showed recently when Nobuko moved out.
I’ve been acting like I don’t care and that it’s good riddance, but some part of me hurts because she left one month before the lease was up. She couldn’t stand living here anymore.
There is a sense of abandonment that I’m having trouble admitting to myself; partly due to the irrationality of the idea. Pride is present as well, she was the one who left first, even though I also stopped liking living with Nobuko. You find things out about people when you live with them, and some things are better left unknown between friends. Like that they’re slobs or inconsiderate. I don’t know what my feelings are. I don’t know how to approach them.
I let go of people easily because there always is a point where I stop caring, or I think I stop caring.
When I value their friendship, I always think that if problems arise, it should be no problem to confront the issues and talk them through. But the first thing that happens when problems arise is that they lose their value as a friend and it’s no longer worth the effort to confront them to work out the problems.
Something still hurts. I ended up not even liking Nobuko. I can make a list. But still I have these feelings of hurt, and I don’t know what and I don’t know why.
So can I make a list of all the other real feelings I have but have repressed? Is there a lifetime’s worth of them? All this bottling in has been debilitating. It can only lead to an implosion. It makes me want to die; the ultimate cop-out. I devalue my life so much that I don’t even want to do anything to remedy my situation because it’s not worth it.
The logical solution is to leave my life. But every once in a while I think I don’t want to, I want to live. I think I do. The will to live may be a repressed feeling. When I had food poisoning and was gripped in that pain, I didn’t want to die miserably. When I brought myself way down with sleeping pills, I didn’t want to die.
I’ve gotten so good at hiding my own feelings. It started as a practice and has since become a perfected habit, an art. I remember hiding my feelings way early in my life, but at least back then I knew what my real feelings were. Now I have a pretty good idea when I’m hiding my feelings, but I’ve gotten to hide them from myself as well. I have no idea what my real feelings are anymore.
It’s pretty schizo. The act of hiding something suggests that you know what it is and where it is being hidden. I don’t have the slightest. I’m probably very confused. I can understand that, but I don’t feel it. And then it manifests itself in cutting and killing myself. At least it’s logical. We live for logic, don’t we now?
It makes me feel better about killing myself. I wouldn’t do it because of some trivial passing emotion caused by a speck of a moment in a lifetime. There is a huge ocean of an underlying problem that’s been simmering and boiling and to which suicide is a logical and inevitable end. It has been a long-running and difficult problem to deal with myself and my life. It sure has. It has been miserable and like a pot of boiling water, eventually there is nothing left.
***********************************
The band has been coming along. I still don’t feel like I’m a member and they’re doing nothing to make me feel any more than a ringer. My feeling is that they will replace me once they find someone who fits their image better. They’re image oriented. Rock and roll. There might be something special about this band. I do think the writing is excellent. I won’t know until we record and gig and see how audiences respond.
It’s not terribly original music. It may even be outdated. Three or four years ago people might have eaten it up. The writing is the strong point of the band. I think they think their attitude is the strong point. As far as drummers go, Pete has his own style, and that’s good. He’s got good time and he’s steady, if not solid.
There’s nothing distinct about Dre’s rig. It’s probably no coincidence that his main axe is a Fender Jaguar. He also splits his channel to run into two different sounding amps to make it sound like two guitars. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds like teen spirit to me. If we get tagged as an Asian American Nirvana, Dre doesn’t give a strong argument against it.
I try to be distinct on bass and I don’t know how much they like that. I think their conception of a bass player is someone that just follows guitar riffs and looks good and has attitude, lowest common denominator functionality. Not the kind of bass player I am. My Riverhead bass and Trace-Elliott rig are also not in vogue with this type of music, and I think that gives me minus points in the image department. I mean, what is a bass player if fans aren’t looking at the equipment, going “cool rig”.
***********************************
Have you ever felt like crying because you knew you felt something, but had no idea what it was or what to do about it? Dre and Pete bailed on rehearsal and didn’t call me until after I had left for rehearsal. They still haven’t gotten me keys to the space and I ended up waiting for two hours. I think I was really pissed, but my feelings were really obscure and ambiguous, so I really don’t know. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was pissed or who or what I was pissed at.
They haven’t gotten me a key yet. That’s an issue. I tried justifying everything by telling myself that this won’t happen after I get a key; a problem easily remedied. Get me the damn keys or I don’t show up until they do.
My feelings were obviously churning underneath and I was doing my best to keep them down and cover them up and come up with excuses to not face them. I picked up a bottle of tequila on the way home, driving wildly, I felt no loyalty to the band in terms of staying alive for it.
What were my alternatives? Get angry? Lash out? At whom? What could I do but take it out on myself? I tend to direct my negative feelings at myself.
I was trying hard to avoid being passive-aggressive, but I kept running into it when I was deciding what to do. Should I call them and tell them that I was really pissed, but that it was OK since it wouldn’t happen again because they would get me the key by Friday? Demand that they have the key by next rehearsal or I don’t show? Demand some assurance that this wouldn’t happen again? Ignore it completely and pretend nothing happened? Quit? I am passive-aggressive, but it gets misdirected. It gets directed all over the place. Mostly at myself.
***********************************
I thought that I was simply anti-social all this time. I’m starting to think that it has more to do with not dealing with myself and my emotions. I’ve stopped feeling or I’ve repressed feelings to such an extent that I don’t recognize anything as feelings. Feelings are completely visceral and sublimated, I can’t even begin to process them intellectually. I thought that I just roll with the punches, that I take life as it comes, but really every bit of life I encounter sticks to me and stays with me and gets sublimated and squeezes the life out of me.
I don’t even know if I want to live or not. If I do, I need help. Or else I’ll keep taking life out on myself, I’ll keep cutting, keep drinking, keep dying, keep destroying myself.
It wouldn’t be accurate to say that I’ve reached the end of my rope. I reached it a long time ago and since then I’ve just been hanging on to strands, just barely being able to grasp another one as each one breaks. I don’t know how to get a hold of the rope even I wanted to. I don’t know how many strands I have left. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, no where I want to go. I have no friends, no feelings, no desire, just nothing.
It has become harder and harder to face the reality of my existence, that I’m here, a living being.
I have such trouble expressing myself and my feelings. I have such trouble even recognizing them. I bottle them up and it showed recently when Nobuko moved out.
I’ve been acting like I don’t care and that it’s good riddance, but some part of me hurts because she left one month before the lease was up. She couldn’t stand living here anymore.
There is a sense of abandonment that I’m having trouble admitting to myself; partly due to the irrationality of the idea. Pride is present as well, she was the one who left first, even though I also stopped liking living with Nobuko. You find things out about people when you live with them, and some things are better left unknown between friends. Like that they’re slobs or inconsiderate. I don’t know what my feelings are. I don’t know how to approach them.
I let go of people easily because there always is a point where I stop caring, or I think I stop caring.
When I value their friendship, I always think that if problems arise, it should be no problem to confront the issues and talk them through. But the first thing that happens when problems arise is that they lose their value as a friend and it’s no longer worth the effort to confront them to work out the problems.
Something still hurts. I ended up not even liking Nobuko. I can make a list. But still I have these feelings of hurt, and I don’t know what and I don’t know why.
So can I make a list of all the other real feelings I have but have repressed? Is there a lifetime’s worth of them? All this bottling in has been debilitating. It can only lead to an implosion. It makes me want to die; the ultimate cop-out. I devalue my life so much that I don’t even want to do anything to remedy my situation because it’s not worth it.
The logical solution is to leave my life. But every once in a while I think I don’t want to, I want to live. I think I do. The will to live may be a repressed feeling. When I had food poisoning and was gripped in that pain, I didn’t want to die miserably. When I brought myself way down with sleeping pills, I didn’t want to die.
I’ve gotten so good at hiding my own feelings. It started as a practice and has since become a perfected habit, an art. I remember hiding my feelings way early in my life, but at least back then I knew what my real feelings were. Now I have a pretty good idea when I’m hiding my feelings, but I’ve gotten to hide them from myself as well. I have no idea what my real feelings are anymore.
It’s pretty schizo. The act of hiding something suggests that you know what it is and where it is being hidden. I don’t have the slightest. I’m probably very confused. I can understand that, but I don’t feel it. And then it manifests itself in cutting and killing myself. At least it’s logical. We live for logic, don’t we now?
It makes me feel better about killing myself. I wouldn’t do it because of some trivial passing emotion caused by a speck of a moment in a lifetime. There is a huge ocean of an underlying problem that’s been simmering and boiling and to which suicide is a logical and inevitable end. It has been a long-running and difficult problem to deal with myself and my life. It sure has. It has been miserable and like a pot of boiling water, eventually there is nothing left.
***********************************
The band has been coming along. I still don’t feel like I’m a member and they’re doing nothing to make me feel any more than a ringer. My feeling is that they will replace me once they find someone who fits their image better. They’re image oriented. Rock and roll. There might be something special about this band. I do think the writing is excellent. I won’t know until we record and gig and see how audiences respond.
It’s not terribly original music. It may even be outdated. Three or four years ago people might have eaten it up. The writing is the strong point of the band. I think they think their attitude is the strong point. As far as drummers go, Pete has his own style, and that’s good. He’s got good time and he’s steady, if not solid.
There’s nothing distinct about Dre’s rig. It’s probably no coincidence that his main axe is a Fender Jaguar. He also splits his channel to run into two different sounding amps to make it sound like two guitars. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds like teen spirit to me. If we get tagged as an Asian American Nirvana, Dre doesn’t give a strong argument against it.
I try to be distinct on bass and I don’t know how much they like that. I think their conception of a bass player is someone that just follows guitar riffs and looks good and has attitude, lowest common denominator functionality. Not the kind of bass player I am. My Riverhead bass and Trace-Elliott rig are also not in vogue with this type of music, and I think that gives me minus points in the image department. I mean, what is a bass player if fans aren’t looking at the equipment, going “cool rig”.
***********************************
Have you ever felt like crying because you knew you felt something, but had no idea what it was or what to do about it? Dre and Pete bailed on rehearsal and didn’t call me until after I had left for rehearsal. They still haven’t gotten me keys to the space and I ended up waiting for two hours. I think I was really pissed, but my feelings were really obscure and ambiguous, so I really don’t know. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was pissed or who or what I was pissed at.
They haven’t gotten me a key yet. That’s an issue. I tried justifying everything by telling myself that this won’t happen after I get a key; a problem easily remedied. Get me the damn keys or I don’t show up until they do.
My feelings were obviously churning underneath and I was doing my best to keep them down and cover them up and come up with excuses to not face them. I picked up a bottle of tequila on the way home, driving wildly, I felt no loyalty to the band in terms of staying alive for it.
What were my alternatives? Get angry? Lash out? At whom? What could I do but take it out on myself? I tend to direct my negative feelings at myself.
I was trying hard to avoid being passive-aggressive, but I kept running into it when I was deciding what to do. Should I call them and tell them that I was really pissed, but that it was OK since it wouldn’t happen again because they would get me the key by Friday? Demand that they have the key by next rehearsal or I don’t show? Demand some assurance that this wouldn’t happen again? Ignore it completely and pretend nothing happened? Quit? I am passive-aggressive, but it gets misdirected. It gets directed all over the place. Mostly at myself.
***********************************
I thought that I was simply anti-social all this time. I’m starting to think that it has more to do with not dealing with myself and my emotions. I’ve stopped feeling or I’ve repressed feelings to such an extent that I don’t recognize anything as feelings. Feelings are completely visceral and sublimated, I can’t even begin to process them intellectually. I thought that I just roll with the punches, that I take life as it comes, but really every bit of life I encounter sticks to me and stays with me and gets sublimated and squeezes the life out of me.
I don’t even know if I want to live or not. If I do, I need help. Or else I’ll keep taking life out on myself, I’ll keep cutting, keep drinking, keep dying, keep destroying myself.
It wouldn’t be accurate to say that I’ve reached the end of my rope. I reached it a long time ago and since then I’ve just been hanging on to strands, just barely being able to grasp another one as each one breaks. I don’t know how to get a hold of the rope even I wanted to. I don’t know how many strands I have left. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, no where I want to go. I have no friends, no feelings, no desire, just nothing.
Tuesday, October 31, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
October 1995
I just can't be waiting for Shiho to make a decision about her life in order to feel my feet on solid ground. From the point she considered going back to her ex, the concept of us as a couple ceased to exist. The essential element of loyalty disappeared from our relationship. Loyalty is promising to be on my side. Betrayal is promising to be on my side and then being on someone else's. Shiho waffling around with her feelings means that she is not my girlfriend. She isn't what she said she was to me.
If Shiho has a decision to make, that means her feelings toward this jerk of an ex-boyfriend are strong enough to challenge or counteract any feelings she has towards me. She is being pulled by a guy who dumped her for another woman, and now wants her back after that relationship didn't work out. It's an insult that she's even considering going back to him. I'm that disposable. Fuck that.
I know Shiho wants to break up, I know it probably better than she does. She just doesn't know how to do it because she can't get a grip on her feelings. She's never been able to get a grip on her feelings and deal with them, which is precisely why we never went out in high school. She's never been decisive and she has never been able to act, and that always bothered me about her.
She continues to profess that she wants this relationship to continue and she comes across as sincere, but she's not into it. I can tell. It's like the other times we started going out and then were separated and then got interested in other people. The only difference this time is that I don't have someone else. But the feeling I get from her is the same as the other times.
We talked about my visiting her at the end of December. That's not going to happen. She said that she would have to find a way of hiding me or otherwise preventing her ex from knowing I was there because he's a very jealous type. Both Nobuko and Cat concur that is a serious dis. They've been playing devil's advocate against my talk of breaking up with Shiho, but on this one they agreed that what she said was an unconditional dis. If I'm visiting her, that means I'm her boyfriend, but she has to hide me from her ex because he's jealous? This is the first time it ever occurred to me to say 'fuck Shiho'.
This is what I think has been going on: Shiho went back to Japan and things were up in the air as to whether our relationship would continue. She had to see what her ex was going to do. After a month, she finally wrote to me and mentioned that he had not been able to break up with the woman for whom he dumped Shiho. That, to me, explains why she did not break up with me within the month as I predicted. She couldn't break up with me until he had broken up with the other woman.
Why didn't he break up with the other woman? He says that she hasn't been letting him break up. I swear, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. If he wanted to break up to go back to Shiho, he would have. I think the real excuse for his not breaking up with the other woman is because the safety net that Shiho is so willing to provide is not guaranteed as long as she is going out with me. I'm assuming Shiho had the backbone to tell him she's going out with me. Not even that is certain. If he knew Shiho wasn't going out with me, he would know he could go back to Shiho and would have broken up with the other woman.
I am not going to be a party to this. They are both spineless, indecisive, self-interested, wishy-washy wimps. They deserve each other. He is willing to walk all over Shiho and take her for granted, and she is willing to be walked over and be taken for granted. I can do better than that.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't in Shiho's nature to make a decision like this. She characteristically has not been able to come down on one side of the fence or the other when faced with a major decision. A major decision just like this. So instead of making a decision, she clams up, freezes, shuts off and hopes the decision gets decided without her doing anything and goes away. She decides to do nothing and maintain the status quo and resigns herself to stay with me and represents that we are a couple, hoping that me or her ex-boyfriend does something so that she doesn't have to.
Well, it worked. I'm not going to be dragged along in her waiting game; if she can't make a decision, I will. Which is what she wanted all along. Clever. Very, very clever.
I got photos back today from the last day Shiho was here. I wasn't psyched to get them back, they didn't make me happy, the images didn't make me nostalgic or long for her. I looked at the pictures, and I felt something particularly unfamiliar and I found it disturbing when I realized that the feeling was envy.
I am envious of Shiho. I feel resentment towards her for her stability; for being attractive, for feeling a connection to her family, for having a good job, for being popular and sought after, for having a hobby and having some talent in it. In return, she doesn't recognize anything that I do or has meaning to me. She makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I gave her my demo and she dismissed it as "interesting".
Since we started going out, she hasn't reacted to much. Her silence has been eloquence. She doesn't want to make me anything important or special; she keeps me at arms distance emotionally. It's for her own protection and she puts nothing out on the line. It has hardly been a mutual relationship.
I owe Shiho nothing. I have no duty to take her feelings into consideration. All I know is that what I know has been without her help. If I'm wrong about anything, she has been a major player in contributing to it. I'm not responsible for her inability to communicate. But I don't think I'm wrong about this.
I find myself becoming jealous. Jealousy and envy - feelings that I do not want under any condition. And here I am. If being in this situation means having those feelings, I'd rather get out of this situation. It would be a personal downfall. Right and wrong and better and worse have no play in this. I should not be subjected to this situation which subjects me to having these feelings.
She has written me once since we've started going out. That in itself says a lot. It means her heart is not really in this relationship; her heart is still being pulled elsewhere. I deserve better than that. I don't see any room to give her benefit of doubt. It is clear where she stands.
I can't think of a reason why I should stay with Shiho or put up with this situation any longer. Why should I even be nice about it? Why should I care about her feelings. I am insulted, demeaned, disrespected. She has been tactless, cowardly. I find no reason to retain a single positive emotion for her. Has she blown away ten years of friendship? Ten years of friendship; what does that mean anyway?
We have created in our minds what we've been to each other during this entire period. Except for this last time when my eyes finally opened and realized how much I love her. Until this point, though, any claim that we were special to each other has been unfounded. She had a crush on me in high school and we were best friends. The times we decided to go out, it wasn't because we loved each other genuinely in the present, but only based on the past history as friends. We never knew each other well enough to really love each other in the present. She has never understood me enough to love me. The woman I fell in love with this past summer, I could have met this summer. We didn't need the past ten years for me to fall in love with her now.
I was concerned about appearances. I want to break up, but I wanted to make it look good. I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I didn't want the news to come as a surprise. I wanted to make it look like it's been something I've been grappling with for a while. How stupid. Breaking up with her, regardless of how sudden or tactless, would be welcomed by her. The next time she calls, that's it. This relationship is over. I'm closing with Shiho and she is out of my life for good.
I just can't be waiting for Shiho to make a decision about her life in order to feel my feet on solid ground. From the point she considered going back to her ex, the concept of us as a couple ceased to exist. The essential element of loyalty disappeared from our relationship. Loyalty is promising to be on my side. Betrayal is promising to be on my side and then being on someone else's. Shiho waffling around with her feelings means that she is not my girlfriend. She isn't what she said she was to me.
If Shiho has a decision to make, that means her feelings toward this jerk of an ex-boyfriend are strong enough to challenge or counteract any feelings she has towards me. She is being pulled by a guy who dumped her for another woman, and now wants her back after that relationship didn't work out. It's an insult that she's even considering going back to him. I'm that disposable. Fuck that.
I know Shiho wants to break up, I know it probably better than she does. She just doesn't know how to do it because she can't get a grip on her feelings. She's never been able to get a grip on her feelings and deal with them, which is precisely why we never went out in high school. She's never been decisive and she has never been able to act, and that always bothered me about her.
She continues to profess that she wants this relationship to continue and she comes across as sincere, but she's not into it. I can tell. It's like the other times we started going out and then were separated and then got interested in other people. The only difference this time is that I don't have someone else. But the feeling I get from her is the same as the other times.
We talked about my visiting her at the end of December. That's not going to happen. She said that she would have to find a way of hiding me or otherwise preventing her ex from knowing I was there because he's a very jealous type. Both Nobuko and Cat concur that is a serious dis. They've been playing devil's advocate against my talk of breaking up with Shiho, but on this one they agreed that what she said was an unconditional dis. If I'm visiting her, that means I'm her boyfriend, but she has to hide me from her ex because he's jealous? This is the first time it ever occurred to me to say 'fuck Shiho'.
This is what I think has been going on: Shiho went back to Japan and things were up in the air as to whether our relationship would continue. She had to see what her ex was going to do. After a month, she finally wrote to me and mentioned that he had not been able to break up with the woman for whom he dumped Shiho. That, to me, explains why she did not break up with me within the month as I predicted. She couldn't break up with me until he had broken up with the other woman.
Why didn't he break up with the other woman? He says that she hasn't been letting him break up. I swear, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. If he wanted to break up to go back to Shiho, he would have. I think the real excuse for his not breaking up with the other woman is because the safety net that Shiho is so willing to provide is not guaranteed as long as she is going out with me. I'm assuming Shiho had the backbone to tell him she's going out with me. Not even that is certain. If he knew Shiho wasn't going out with me, he would know he could go back to Shiho and would have broken up with the other woman.
I am not going to be a party to this. They are both spineless, indecisive, self-interested, wishy-washy wimps. They deserve each other. He is willing to walk all over Shiho and take her for granted, and she is willing to be walked over and be taken for granted. I can do better than that.
On the other hand, perhaps it isn't in Shiho's nature to make a decision like this. She characteristically has not been able to come down on one side of the fence or the other when faced with a major decision. A major decision just like this. So instead of making a decision, she clams up, freezes, shuts off and hopes the decision gets decided without her doing anything and goes away. She decides to do nothing and maintain the status quo and resigns herself to stay with me and represents that we are a couple, hoping that me or her ex-boyfriend does something so that she doesn't have to.
Well, it worked. I'm not going to be dragged along in her waiting game; if she can't make a decision, I will. Which is what she wanted all along. Clever. Very, very clever.
I got photos back today from the last day Shiho was here. I wasn't psyched to get them back, they didn't make me happy, the images didn't make me nostalgic or long for her. I looked at the pictures, and I felt something particularly unfamiliar and I found it disturbing when I realized that the feeling was envy.
I am envious of Shiho. I feel resentment towards her for her stability; for being attractive, for feeling a connection to her family, for having a good job, for being popular and sought after, for having a hobby and having some talent in it. In return, she doesn't recognize anything that I do or has meaning to me. She makes me feel insignificant and worthless. I gave her my demo and she dismissed it as "interesting".
Since we started going out, she hasn't reacted to much. Her silence has been eloquence. She doesn't want to make me anything important or special; she keeps me at arms distance emotionally. It's for her own protection and she puts nothing out on the line. It has hardly been a mutual relationship.
I owe Shiho nothing. I have no duty to take her feelings into consideration. All I know is that what I know has been without her help. If I'm wrong about anything, she has been a major player in contributing to it. I'm not responsible for her inability to communicate. But I don't think I'm wrong about this.
I find myself becoming jealous. Jealousy and envy - feelings that I do not want under any condition. And here I am. If being in this situation means having those feelings, I'd rather get out of this situation. It would be a personal downfall. Right and wrong and better and worse have no play in this. I should not be subjected to this situation which subjects me to having these feelings.
She has written me once since we've started going out. That in itself says a lot. It means her heart is not really in this relationship; her heart is still being pulled elsewhere. I deserve better than that. I don't see any room to give her benefit of doubt. It is clear where she stands.
I can't think of a reason why I should stay with Shiho or put up with this situation any longer. Why should I even be nice about it? Why should I care about her feelings. I am insulted, demeaned, disrespected. She has been tactless, cowardly. I find no reason to retain a single positive emotion for her. Has she blown away ten years of friendship? Ten years of friendship; what does that mean anyway?
We have created in our minds what we've been to each other during this entire period. Except for this last time when my eyes finally opened and realized how much I love her. Until this point, though, any claim that we were special to each other has been unfounded. She had a crush on me in high school and we were best friends. The times we decided to go out, it wasn't because we loved each other genuinely in the present, but only based on the past history as friends. We never knew each other well enough to really love each other in the present. She has never understood me enough to love me. The woman I fell in love with this past summer, I could have met this summer. We didn't need the past ten years for me to fall in love with her now.
I was concerned about appearances. I want to break up, but I wanted to make it look good. I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I didn't want the news to come as a surprise. I wanted to make it look like it's been something I've been grappling with for a while. How stupid. Breaking up with her, regardless of how sudden or tactless, would be welcomed by her. The next time she calls, that's it. This relationship is over. I'm closing with Shiho and she is out of my life for good.
Tuesday, August 29, 1995
1347 La Loma, Berkeley
I think I've truly fallen in love with Shiho after all these years. She used to be just a backup, but now she is right at the forefront of my heart, overshadowing Amina in a way that Joy never did in the best of our relationship. But the nature of our relationship, the impossibility of us ever being together, has me perpetually poised for a break-up. I'm anticipating it. The feeling has put me in a crappy mood all day.
Living in a daze. Looking into the mirror, it felt like I hadn't quite fully awoken. Maybe on days that I awake fully, that's when I'm in a good mood. On other days I reach varying levels of being awake, and accordingly I'm in corresponding moods. Today I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at someone else.
I walked around all day in a daze. It did, however, make me more efficient. I didn't linger anywhere and wasn't distracted. I just did what I had to, no feeling about it. I went and got film for Nobuko and batteries for the camera I nabbed from New Jersey. The light meter is broken, it's not the battery. If I'm going to get into photography, I have to do what is necessary. After Corporations I brought my camera to the store to get it fixed. It'll take a week for them to give me an estimate. Just do it, don't be concerned about the outlay.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to push paper or do research and come up with things that I care nothing about. Bartending is do-able, but it means being social. I don't know if I can do it. I should look into sound engineering programs to see what it will take to be a sound tech. That's the kind of job I think I would enjoy.
I feel like I'm in the compensation stage of a break-up. I'm trying to fill the hole left by Shiho by making sure all aspects of my time and attention are occupied. Sweeping out discarded remnants of her memories. Looking at my life and future without accommodating her in any part of it. It hurts. Even though we haven't broken up yet.
Now I have this memory of visiting her in Japan, how this latest development started; her apartment, tiny, one-room, hardly enough for two people. She prepared bedding for me to sleep right below her bed. I didn't expect anything, I was just visiting Japan to see her and Madoka. Old friend, dear friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend who had dumped her to be with another woman. Then at some point during the night, my eyes opened and her hand was right there. I thought she was asleep, but I touched and took her hand anyway. She wasn't asleep and her hand touched my face. It didn't take long before she drew me up into bed with her. More than ten years after we met. The first time.
Living in a daze. Looking into the mirror, it felt like I hadn't quite fully awoken. Maybe on days that I awake fully, that's when I'm in a good mood. On other days I reach varying levels of being awake, and accordingly I'm in corresponding moods. Today I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at someone else.
I walked around all day in a daze. It did, however, make me more efficient. I didn't linger anywhere and wasn't distracted. I just did what I had to, no feeling about it. I went and got film for Nobuko and batteries for the camera I nabbed from New Jersey. The light meter is broken, it's not the battery. If I'm going to get into photography, I have to do what is necessary. After Corporations I brought my camera to the store to get it fixed. It'll take a week for them to give me an estimate. Just do it, don't be concerned about the outlay.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to push paper or do research and come up with things that I care nothing about. Bartending is do-able, but it means being social. I don't know if I can do it. I should look into sound engineering programs to see what it will take to be a sound tech. That's the kind of job I think I would enjoy.
I feel like I'm in the compensation stage of a break-up. I'm trying to fill the hole left by Shiho by making sure all aspects of my time and attention are occupied. Sweeping out discarded remnants of her memories. Looking at my life and future without accommodating her in any part of it. It hurts. Even though we haven't broken up yet.
Now I have this memory of visiting her in Japan, how this latest development started; her apartment, tiny, one-room, hardly enough for two people. She prepared bedding for me to sleep right below her bed. I didn't expect anything, I was just visiting Japan to see her and Madoka. Old friend, dear friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend who had dumped her to be with another woman. Then at some point during the night, my eyes opened and her hand was right there. I thought she was asleep, but I touched and took her hand anyway. She wasn't asleep and her hand touched my face. It didn't take long before she drew me up into bed with her. More than ten years after we met. The first time.
Wednesday, April 12, 1995
247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco
Things are a little better. I'm monitoring myself closely and so I think maybe I was over-reacting and things aren't as bad as I thought. My life is definitely in a down period, but it may not be as dreadful and depressing as it was years ago.
Or was it? How exactly good is my memory of those events? I doubt it was constant depression. I doubt that I was always fully aware that something was wrong. It is only in retrospect that I simplify the whole period and define it as having been really, really bad. All of it. But that's probably not true. I probably had plenty of good moments and good times back then. So things probably are as bad now as they were then and I should check my optimism in times that I think things are all right.
Things haven't gotten any better. Some good things have been happening in my life and I've been occasionally happy, but I shouldn't be fooled by those things. All I need to do is look into the wings, look at the periphery of my eyesight and see that things are still blurred and distorted. When I'm touched by calls from Diem, Vikki, and Shiho, it is still abstract and through a fog. None of them are here, none of them are real.
What am I missing about my own life? There are some distinct patterns here that I'm not recognizing and that I'm not interpreting. There's a distinct difference between what I want and what I keep getting, and it's about time that I realize it's more about me and my nature, rather than what the outside world is dealing to me.
All the people in my life belong in my life because I've brought them here. Why do I keep putting them down and telling myself I need new friends or that I need to get away from Joy? Lisa and Nobuko are my friends because they are the type of friends I have. Vikki, Diem, and Shiho are far away because those are the kinds of long-distance relationships I'm suppose to have. Is it a coincidence that I have trouble with the friends who are in close proximity here and that I think my relationships with those people far away are so wonderful? After all, they're not.
I feel what I feel about the people in the Bay Area because they are in the Bay Area and I feel what I feel about people far away because they are far away. It has nothing to do with them as people. What I feel about them is what I've created them to be according to distance, just like the fantasy of Shiho. Pretty weird, hard to accept. It's hard to accept that I would treat Shiho the way I treat Joy, or that I would get bored with Vikki or Diem. But possible. Very, very possible.
Or was it? How exactly good is my memory of those events? I doubt it was constant depression. I doubt that I was always fully aware that something was wrong. It is only in retrospect that I simplify the whole period and define it as having been really, really bad. All of it. But that's probably not true. I probably had plenty of good moments and good times back then. So things probably are as bad now as they were then and I should check my optimism in times that I think things are all right.
Things haven't gotten any better. Some good things have been happening in my life and I've been occasionally happy, but I shouldn't be fooled by those things. All I need to do is look into the wings, look at the periphery of my eyesight and see that things are still blurred and distorted. When I'm touched by calls from Diem, Vikki, and Shiho, it is still abstract and through a fog. None of them are here, none of them are real.
What am I missing about my own life? There are some distinct patterns here that I'm not recognizing and that I'm not interpreting. There's a distinct difference between what I want and what I keep getting, and it's about time that I realize it's more about me and my nature, rather than what the outside world is dealing to me.
All the people in my life belong in my life because I've brought them here. Why do I keep putting them down and telling myself I need new friends or that I need to get away from Joy? Lisa and Nobuko are my friends because they are the type of friends I have. Vikki, Diem, and Shiho are far away because those are the kinds of long-distance relationships I'm suppose to have. Is it a coincidence that I have trouble with the friends who are in close proximity here and that I think my relationships with those people far away are so wonderful? After all, they're not.
I feel what I feel about the people in the Bay Area because they are in the Bay Area and I feel what I feel about people far away because they are far away. It has nothing to do with them as people. What I feel about them is what I've created them to be according to distance, just like the fantasy of Shiho. Pretty weird, hard to accept. It's hard to accept that I would treat Shiho the way I treat Joy, or that I would get bored with Vikki or Diem. But possible. Very, very possible.
Tuesday, March 28, 1995
247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco
My life is pulling me apart. I think and I keep running into red lights and dead ends. I feel more strongly that I'm in something similar to what I went through seven years ago. It's in the way I feel and the way I think. It's like I'm hearing voices. I hadn't noticed that before. It's not an actual voice talking to me, but I'm always thinking and something is always going on. I'm constantly distracted, like everything around me is communicating with me, but in an oppressive way. It's like a voice. That's how it was before and it wasn't like this when I was out of it.
The thoughts are the same. Situations run rampant in my head and run their course to their inevitable dead end. I hate my condition and I can't imagine any condition I would like better. Nothing changed even when I got clear, I just ignored it better. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I don't want to get old, but there is a twisted attraction to it. Forty years maybe. Shit.
I can't make decisions about my life. I weigh both sides of all issues and it leaves me no where and drives me batty. Over and over I think that I can't go through this again, and then for a glimmer I think, "why not?".
I think about civilization and all its accomplishments. I see all the people moving in society with their purposes and goals, each constantly taking a single step into a future which holds something unknown. Existence pushing at an outer envelope of time, of the unknown, of the future. Everything is so organized and so defined, but I see no purpose in it all. Why exist at all? Why exist like this? So many people take existence itself for granted, and why not? They exist, it's granted. I wonder what it would be like if people didn't think that way.
There is such a huge difference between the material and the spiritual. Both are here, most choose to live strictly within the material. Just a job to do. What an empty existence.
I hate myself and I hate my life. Life sucks. I can't deal with existence, I can't deal with being me, with being something, anything, anyone. I hate this brain, I hate these eyes, I hate this person. My hair drives me nuts, my kingdom for one good hair day.
The thoughts are the same. Situations run rampant in my head and run their course to their inevitable dead end. I hate my condition and I can't imagine any condition I would like better. Nothing changed even when I got clear, I just ignored it better. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I don't want to get old, but there is a twisted attraction to it. Forty years maybe. Shit.
I can't make decisions about my life. I weigh both sides of all issues and it leaves me no where and drives me batty. Over and over I think that I can't go through this again, and then for a glimmer I think, "why not?".
I think about civilization and all its accomplishments. I see all the people moving in society with their purposes and goals, each constantly taking a single step into a future which holds something unknown. Existence pushing at an outer envelope of time, of the unknown, of the future. Everything is so organized and so defined, but I see no purpose in it all. Why exist at all? Why exist like this? So many people take existence itself for granted, and why not? They exist, it's granted. I wonder what it would be like if people didn't think that way.
There is such a huge difference between the material and the spiritual. Both are here, most choose to live strictly within the material. Just a job to do. What an empty existence.
I hate myself and I hate my life. Life sucks. I can't deal with existence, I can't deal with being me, with being something, anything, anyone. I hate this brain, I hate these eyes, I hate this person. My hair drives me nuts, my kingdom for one good hair day.
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