198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Well, that’s it. As far as I’m concerned, Josephine and I are broken up. Anytime we can’t reconcile a problem upon either of us making the attempt, the olive branch posture, then it’s over. Certainly we’ll get together again in the next week or the week after. But at this moment, we’re finished and anything that comes through the floodgates will not be inhibited by any loyalty to a Relationship. We didn’t make it two months. Finished.

I’m not going to “save my time” with friends. Fuck you, she has no idea of who I am or what I do or how I work. My time and energy are going into music and looking for direction.

email - San Francisco

Dear Koji: I don't know what to say and I don't understand what you are talking about. This communication is frustrating me. Sometimes I try to use as many words as I have known to communicate with you but it always turns out that you misunderstand me. Sometimes, I also doubt that maybe I don't understand what you say. You will never have a feeling that there is something in your mind and you want to let it out so badly but your tongue just doesn't help at all. It is just like your heart is stopping. If this is a communication, please try not to use some big words or try to give some space about what I say. If this is an agreement, it will never be fair unless we use the third language. You said you won't rush back to me. I am not expecting you rush back to me. I know you won't. And, I won't be the one who knock on your door and beg you for getting back together almost desperately. Please stop e-mailing me. Save your time with every friend of yours. You will never resent them and they will always love you. I am serious and not being sarcastic.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear Josephine, my only crime was that I was feeling bad and depressed and hoped for some comfort and sympathy. I sent you mails trying to get on with our lives and the Relationship and you insist that there are still problems. My final analysis now is that you wrote that last nasty message because you're either mad at me, which is dumb because I think I have more reason to be mad at you, or that you're just feeling bad these days, in which case I'll just wait until you're feeling better.

Your whole thing about honesty, it seems to be pattern that you only talk about honesty when we're in a fight, and then any "discussion" on honesty comes across as accusation. So if you have a real problem with honesty, I'll wait to address when things are back to normal. When you talk about honesty in the middle of a fight, I think you're just being mad. And if you want to talk about honesty, you should respond to the comment I made last week that you didn't even acknowledge - that I was "honest" twice and you reacted with hostility. Don't talk to me about honesty without addressing that.

Fights are not times to all of a sudden become "honest". Fights are a time when we should be taking all efforts to reconcile things, and if you don't make those efforts, the message is that you don't want to reconcile things and you want to keep fighting. I've been making efforts to reconcile things and you've ignored them all and offered nothing. Of course, I'm not going to be rushing back to you. And I've been completely honest to you, I don't know what you're accusing me of, so stop. My taking better care of my other friendships was something I realized this weekend when all of a sudden you were out of my life. I can't be "honest" and tell you about something before I even realize it. And it wasn't a case of us getting into a fight and me suddenly becoming honest. We fought, I realized certain things, and then I just told you what was on my mind, which is what I ALWAYS do.

I’ll stop here, I meant this message to be conciliatory and to help give perspective, but it has only made me resentful, mostly because of the tone of your last message, if not the substance, and your otherwise silence. I guess the fight continues.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear josephine,
I didn't know you were so unhappy with the relationship. I'll have to think about it some more. you've gotten nothing but honesty from me

email - San Francisco

Dear Koji: You should be able to hang out with your friends whenever you want. I don't need more time from you and I think you already know that. Besides, you should just do what you like to. I feel our relationship is going not very well. There is something missing in it. First of all, I hope we can hang out at your place sometimes too. Second of all, dating. We should do something together, something like going out to see a movie, reading a magazine together, or taking a walk together, or biking. This is my relationship too so I want to tell you what I want in a relationship. I don't need more time with you but I need honesty. Sometimes, I feel you are rejecting me and not telling the reasons, which is not a good feeling for me. If you just don't like it, then you can just say "I don't like to do that with you." Then, I will have a clear message in my mind, and then I can decide what I am gonna do about it instead of feeling confused. This is only my suggestion for you. There will be no point if we feel forced to do some change for each other. Relationships should be happy; none of us should feel forced or uncomfortable.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear josephine, it's been several days since I've heard from you. What I don't understand is how I could be having a bad day on friday because of the weather, and then not only do I have to console you to try to make you feel better, but I wasn't succeeding. I felt bad, then it affects you and then I end up trying to make you feel better and it doesn't work, and then I feel guilty about it.

On Saturday, I found myself not knowing what to do. I realized how alone I am without you and how I've let you monopolize my social life. It's not your fault, of course; it's something that I've allowed to happen, but it has to stop. I've been giving you all my attention because I love you and want to, but when we have fights, it becomes clear that I need my friends. I know you're different now and will understand if I don't spend so much time with you to take care of my friendships. I know you'll understand and support me.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The silence continues. We fought, we cut contact, and now it’s awkward on how we’re going to get back into contact. I sent an email and that may settle it for this fight, but it doesn’t address the underlying concerns. And I think there are underlying concerns in this little battle. Fights that are petty and momentary can be cast off with a joke, but fights with "underlying concerns" must be addressed.

Silence is hard. As an exercise I treated today as if we had broken up. A year ago if we weren’t living together, we would have broken up irreparably. The only reason why we lasted this long is that we lived together; ironically we fought more bitterly because we were cooped up together. Now we live apart and we’re still having these fights. What’s different?

I can totally imagine us getting into a fight, heated words exchanged over the phone. Threatening and cryptic messages on answering machines. Bad feeling, bad blood, bad everything. We cut contact. She doesn’t call me or I’m not here when she calls because I’m out trying to fill my time, or I don’t call her or I call her and she’s not there or not answering. Both of us refuse to leave messages.

In this time I’m occupying myself. Distractions. Days go by without contact and the silence brings tension. It feels like a breakup. And the feeling leads to thoughts and behavior indicating a breakup. After a few days, it starts to feel more comfortable, and a reconciliation feels more awkward. Then we get back into contact with several days of silence and reflection to our credit. She says that she can’t deal with this situation anymore and it’s best that we go our separate ways.

I can totally see it happening. Do I trust her? Doesn’t look good.

I’ve gone back to slowly killing myself with alcohol, and that doesn’t really fit the profile of the perfect relationship with Josephine. There will always be pain, fights, struggles, and tension. So why should I aspire for a long life with her? Why would I under any conditions; long life is simply not my goal. I want to die young and soon. Even if our relationship lasts until my liver finally gives up, which is I hope around 34 or 35, dying will still be a relief. Without Josephine in the house, I’m drinking lots more and I don’t even count the shots anymore, and the effect isn’t that strong, mildly numbing.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The Relationship is still on the rocks. It’s funny how different situations look depending on whether you’re in them or looking at them. If it was someone else and I was looking at it, I would push for resolution. What is so important that things have to be fucked up? Un-fuck it up as soon as possible. But once I’m in it, it’s a totally different perspective.

It’s psychology, it’s patterns, it’s personality. It is in these times that I seriously question if we’re going to last as long as we think we’re going to last. I’m still looking for perfection in having no fights, and this isn’t it. It is during the bad times that we can get a true gauge on our relationship, and so far our record has been pretty miserable. When things are fine, hunky dory, but once things start going wrong, it’s fugazi. And each fight is another brick in the wall. Right now, I miss her and hope that this thing gets resolved soon. But if this keeps happening, after four, six, nine months, I’m not going to be so itching to get back with her. We’ll fight, cut contact, and I’ll be happy with that situation and dread her seeking resolution. There will be a point where I’ll be happier out of contact and that will be the end of the relationship.

This situation has revealed something unpleasant. We got into a fight because I was depressed, and inexplicably, I ended up having to comfort her. And the revelation is I haven’t seen her for a couple of days and today I found myself alone, grasping for something to do. I don’t want to have a final break up with her and be in that situation.

I need my own friends back and my own life. I want to be going to more shows, seeing more bands. I need to be making friends. Josephine is monopolizing my social life. Doubts abound about the longevity of this relationship, truth to tell, and I have to watch my ass.

New apartment and job. Those haven’t been high on my priority list because of this idea that we would be going to Taiwan together after she graduates. Basically, my life is on hold while she finishes this degree. That’s not right. We’re still handling fights really badly. We may still very easily bust up. Taiwan may very easily not happen.

I need to prepare for the worst. Is that a show of lack of confidence in this relationship? Sure. We’re still getting into these miserable little nothing fights that end up big deals. I need a safety net. I need to find an apartment to call home; a real home, not just a transient place the likes of which I’ve been doing since college. I need a job and get somewhat settled. If things work out with us, fine, Taiwan is still an option, but I can’t be counting on it at this point in my life.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I have my first “speaking engagement”. Boy does that sound weird; me, featured speaker. I’m so important now. HRA has scheduled an event where I discuss my recent experience at the U.N. and my research on the ethnic groups of Burma. Wow, this is resumé material! I better read my paper again and look up some law.

Just in case I totally flop, I’m also going to use this opportunity to exhibit my photos from the refugee camps last year. So if all else fails, I can at least use my photos to prove that I have some redeeming quality. Can’t speak for shit, but he’s into photography; very interesting.

The Relationship is on the rocks today. I was moody today because it was cloudy. Rain is a depressant. But truth to tell, I wasn’t feeling terrible when I left the house to pick her up at 4:00 at school. But then there was traffic going there, then she didn’t show up and I waited until 4:30 and then left and then there was traffic on the way back, and then she left a message on my machine and she sounded pissed at me. So I canceled plans to go to Palo Alto and drank and shut off from her. And it was the strangest thing, I ended up trying to console her. And stranger still, I wasn’t succeeding! What is it when I have a bad day or I’m moody and in need of comfort and understanding and I end up having to comfort her? That’s fucking lame. A babysitter I am not.

But in the end, no hard feelings. It’s nbd and it’ll pass. What I’m more concerned about is that not having sex is becoming the norm between us. We had several opportunities and each time, one of us thwarted it, maybe in reaction to the previous non-occurrence, which is even worse, but the bottom line is the same, it’s not happening. What if it gets to the point where any time we do have sex it feels forced and contrived? Bad sex will bring this relationship down.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

There is no improvement in my creative process. I have nothing to say and no way to say it; should I even be trying? There are so many talented writers out there, how can I even think I can compare? But I guess I’ll keep trying. How good other people are is not a gauge on what I might possibly say or how. I’ve written songs before and as little reaction as they’ve gotten from people, I do take pride in that they are my expression. And what other people think of the songs, mostly uniform bafflement, does not make me look upon my songs less favorably.

Josephine and I visited Audrey today down in Palo Alto where her kid brothers got an apartment. Audrey is a very different person than who I was endeared to when she got to the U.S. in the early ‘90's. She’s become much more bitter and cynical. Paranoid, even with a touch of insecurity. Maybe more than a touch. I didn’t realize that this is the norm now until recently. I thought she was just in a phase, but this is what she is now.

email - San Francisco

Hi, dear: Today in school, we had a short break. I was sitting there and people who sat beside me and behind me and in front of me were talking. I felt weird because I was sitting there and not talking with them. It is NBD but I thought of the days in my university and it was nice because I had so many classmates can talk when we had a break. I think it is my fault because I know I don't look friendly enough. I seldom talk to people first. It is always that people come to talk to me and then we become friends. The way I made friend with you is just so rare. I am attracted to you and you made me want to talk to you first. Even you, when you saw me at the first time, you didn't want to talk to me. Do I look very very unfriendly? Some friends told me I look too proud to talk to. (I take it as a compliment.) Jiu told me that the first time she saw me and tried to talk to me and she said I was like having a serious face and "tried to smile a little bit" ( quoted from Jiu). Isn't that funny? I didn't remember that at all. I didn't mean to be rude to her at all. I just have a very unfriendly face, I can't help it. Anita also told me that she thought I don't like her at first time we met each other. God, I didn't remember that, either. I think, when I am not smiling, I look terribly unfriendly. Not like other people, if they don't smile, it just simply means that they are not smiling but they might still look friendly. Poor me. The worse thing is that I will look even more unfriendly if I force myself to smile. But, I know, when I am really smiling and laughing, I do a pretty good job. And, that is why you love me. You love my :) I think I am like a dog. When dogs are not sticking their tongues out (meaning, smiling), they all look worried, sad or mean (that is the worst case). even though they have a nice heart. And now I want to have a cat with you. We can keep a cat when we are living in taipei. I love dogs but after "Pi-Pi", I don't think I want to keep any dog. Some cats are very cute too. Besides, I am curious about cats. They all look very proud and elegant. I also want to get to know their habits.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The fight is over. It looked like it was going to drag on another day, but it ended today. I went to the darkroom and afterwards headed over to her place. I acted normally when I got there because we both said we could let go of it, but she was cold to me and neither of us felt comfortable. She made a big show of being happy when K, one of the Thai guys, called, but with me she read ‘Time’ magazine. Fuck you. So I said I didn’t know what to say. She replied that I didn’t have to say anything and so I decided to leave instead of just sitting there like an idiot. We hugged and I left and she called soon after pretending everything was back to normal. Fine. Everything’s back to fucking normal.

email - San Francisco

dear koji:
I will try to say what I want more clearly. if I fail to say it clearly enough to let you understand, then please tell me by saying "I don't know what you really want, do you mind say it more clearly?" would you, please, koji? sometimes, what I say is just directly translated from chinese in my head before I say it, so I have hard time expressing what I want to say perfectly. of course, I know, sometimes, I do fail to be brave enough to speak out what I want. could you give me some support when it happens? I have been feeling you are really patient talking to me. I really think you are. actually, you sometimes can understand me even though I have grammar mistakes or I don't finish the sentences. I guess "you have grown accustomed to my english." I know, I know, I still will say whatever I want to say as clear as possible to let you perceive it right. you know, sometimes, I just "think" you will understand whatever I say because I think you are smart. ok,ok, it is nothing about you are smart or not. I got to go. love, jo

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine,
what I still don't understand is how I was supposed to know that was all that you wanted, how was I to know that you were lonely. You said "do you want to come here?", the conversation was tense, I sensed hostility, the answer to the question "do you want to come here?" was clearly "no". If you asked, "could you come here, I feel lonely" the answer would have been different. doesn't it bother you that it took almost 18 hours for me to realize what you meant? the truth is you weren't very clear about what you wanted and I don't think you can expect me to figure out what you wanted. I don't react well to what I perceive as hostility. Hostility doesn't tell me you're lonely, it tells me that I'm at risk of getting into a really bad situation.

that's what I want to say, now it's OK and we can let it go.

email - San Francisco

dear koji:
I sincerely accept your apology. that is ok. I am glad that you looked back and found out that I just wanted to see you. last night, I felt lonely and I hoped that you could just sit next to me and hold my hands. now, I feel fine and I think we can let it go. ok? love, jo

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine, after sleeping it over and cooling down, I think that maybe you really wanted just to see me last night and you got mad when I said I didn't want to go. If that is the case, I'm really sorry I didn't go to see you. It was a mistake not to go, but I could not have known at the time I was making a mistake. Only looking back do I see it. all I can do now is apologize. If you just wanted to be with me last night, then I really would have wanted to go, I wouldn't have felt like I had to go for you.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine, the way I see it, I was "being honest" to you twice this weekend and both times you reacted with hostility. the first time I said that I was starting to feel an expectation that I had to be home to receive your call when you called before going to sleep. if I was wrong about feeling that expectation, I can deal with you telling me that I'm wrong. maybe I used a poor choice of words by saying it felt like you were "checking up on me", but it's always easy to look back and point out the problems. if it happened again, I can't say that I wouldn't have used the exact same words and made the same mistake. in any case, your hostility was unexpected.

then I was being honest when I said we needed time apart. I said that because even though I was trying to joke around, it was obvious that there was hostility between us. When someone is hostile to me, I either go away or risk become hostile back and then getting really nasty.

quite honestly, I don't think we're ready for full honesty. but that is nothing new, I know it, you know it, it is something we're developing. we need to be aware that we're not ready for full honesty. it is something we need to keep working at and I will. I'm not going to give up.

I maintain WE need time apart. I don't like people being hostile to me, I hope you can respect that and not be angry that I said we need a few days apart. You even said today that time apart is OK, but when I suggested it you got mad when I said you need it, too. We're a couple, if one of us says we need it, we both need it. When you insist you don't need it, you're removing yourself from the relationship and not respecting my feelings. this is complicated, I need time to think about it.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

No resolution with Josephine. When she first called today, we were cold and hung up with barely a ‘good-bye’. Then the next time she called it was a little better and we carried a short conversation, but then it ended at arms length.

I don’t really mind tensions and bad feelings, it’s a lot easier now that we’re not living with each other. Living apart takes a lot of the direct tension out of fights. And quite honestly, I don’t mind. I think I need this type of tension and anger. Negative feelings focuses my writing. They are what I express best.

I’m in such a creative slump I’ll take anything. It feels like a block, something is preventing me from breaking through to what I want to express, to be able to put words and chords together and come up with a song. I can’t even gather the words in any cohesive way. It’s frustrating.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The Relationship is still developing and changing. By no means have we attained a level of complete comfort or security with each other, there are still too many unknowns and variables. The last time we had bad feelings between us, it was no problem. It was a momentary thing. It was superficial and only affected that moment, that day, of our relationship. When we got back together, everything was back to normal.

Tonight, though, showed that there still are issues that we’ve barely begun to deal with. Every night after I’ve been coming home, she would call. And in general it has been fine, it’s been nice to cap off a day with a short chat with her. Just some times it felt like she was checking up on me to make sure I got home OK. Just a sense, and there have been times where I didn’t come straight home and she tried calling and I wasn’t here and she came looking for me in her car!

Though I appreciate the concern, if she does that all the time, I don’t like that. It feels like I’m being monitored or that she’s requiring me to be accessible. I mentioned it to her that sometimes it feels like she’s checking up on me to make sure I’m alright and I don’t really like that. I feel that I’m expected to be home to receive her call and that’s constraining. I made it clear that it is fine if she just calls because she wants to. Apparently she feels that she has only been calling because she wants to and she took offense at what I said. Her response was that she would never call again. Fuck you.

Honesty and telling the truth has been such a hard issue between us. I was honest and told the truth and that was the reaction - she would never call again after I left. I shouldn’t have been honest.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Things have been going pretty well with Josephine, I’m not sure if it’s because she has been changing or if it’s because we are living apart. If it’s because we are living apart, that may be a problem in the future when we do have to live together. If we are going to live together in the future, we can’t let the problems that arose when we were living together come up again.

My issues are mostly freedom issues, feeling free to do what I want and to do my own thing and not be concerned about what she’s doing, or that I need to spend time with her or that I need to be giving attention to her all the time. That’s something in me that I have to correct. When I don’t want to get together with her, or if I just want to be alone, I have to be able to come out and tell her and not feel guilty about it or that she’s going to hold it against me.

Guilt is my own problem. Her holding it against me is her problem and we are in the time period to prove these things to ourselves. If she’s going to hold it against me, well, I have to push the point. To see if she will and not assume that she will. My opinion at this point is that it’s hit or miss; it depends on the mood in which I catch her. Most of the time she won’t hold it against me, but at certain times, she would. But I can’t be running to her at every moment to prove that I love her. Sometimes if I want to stay put, I should stay put.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

AQUARIUS: There's a whole world of change in store for you, Aquarius! Why does that frighten you so? Yours is the sign that initiates change, but this change seems to affect your self-esteem while building that of your partner. Relax, honey! You have a chance to tap into hidden talents. Get creative and start building something that can lead you to riches. Recycling is the key. Take those old parts and build something -- anything! Do something concrete instead of dreaming about it. If you've received challenges lately, pay attention! Maybe you need to invent something to make housework go a bit easier. Right now you may be recycling images from your childhood. Pay attention and get a hint!

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Everyday should have some value, something special no matter how small. Everyday should have at least one thing worth writing about or mentioning, so that upon re-reading it, what was special about that day will immediately come to mind.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I’m in limbo. During the past year, I sacrificed music for relationship. Stupid move. Over the summer in Bangkok, all I had was my Takamine and it was there that I started feeling more comfortable on guitar and with singing and being less self-conscious about it.

That’s a pretty major difference between who I was and who I am. At this point, I can sing in front of people and be pretty comfortable. Whereas at some point before, I’m not sure when, it could be May it could be last October, certainly last summer, I wasn’t confident about singing in front of other people at all. Last summer in Bangkok, I still did everything I could to make sure people couldn’t hear me outside my hotel room.

I’m at an impasse with songwriting. I can’t believe that I ever did it before and now I can see that what I used to write sucked. Well, not sucked, but certainly was not of quality. Songwriting is fucking hard. You need something to write about, or you need a way with words so that you can make the ordinary sound interesting. I simply do not have a reservoir of words or images or observations. I don’t have words flowing out of me. I don’t know what I want to say.

Josephine and I almost had an argument, but she pulled us out of any tension quite nicely. She’s been doing a superb job on our relationship. I hope that I’m doing all I can to make this relationship worthwhile and satisfying to her. We had tension building up over the past few days. I thought it was because we were seeing too much of each other and becoming ordinary and common to each other. But we do have a love and a commitment that I think we both recognize and that certainly is helping.

She acknowledged her continuing construction. I’m doing that, too. I still need to find myself and my own life without her. I have to be able to do my own thing and not feel guilty that I’m not spending time with her. And that is contingent on her not being bothered by my doing my own thing. She used to get jealous when I did my own thing, or so I perceived, but I don’t think she’s like that now.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I’m out of school with no job prospects. I’m slacking along day to day making no real use of myself. My newest personal philosophy is that I have to appreciate the moment I’m in and what I’m doing in it. Whatever I’m doing is what I’m doing and I ought to be satisfied with its value. I can’t be living my life fretting over what I should be doing, or if I’m wasting my time, or if I could be doing something better. Whatever I’m doing, I am doing because it was my decision and it must have some value.

My relationship with Josephine is feeling more secure, but it’s strange how much things have changed in the past few months. I feel that I’ve re-invented myself and I’m a completely different person than I was several months ago.

I was in the law library and I just closed my eyes and thought about the alternate reality I was in over the summer in Bangkok. I was a completely different person there. The reality of the hotel is so distanced now; the air of Bangkok, the feel of Bangkok. I was not who I think of myself being when I was in Bangkok.

I close my eyes and imagine the space I occupied while in Bangkok: the hotel room, the furniture, the air conditioner problems, the windows, the view, the heat and humidity, all the places I went, all the spaces I filled. My second time there, all of it vivid, but still so far from me, so detached. And it is so easy to forget that at the beginning, when I went to Bangkok, Josephine and I had called it quits. So even though our relationship was on the road to recovery and reconciliation, the word was that we were over and any future relationship had to be earned, and our growing process had to be continuous. Any complacency would be the death again.

The death of our relationship as it was. I guess that was the major change, because our relationship occupied my entire last year and it became who I was. When we killed the relationship, we killed my entire past year, and the summer was the time when I was recovering and readjusting to having an entire year lost. When I finally landed on my feet, I was starting anew, the nearest thing to what I “was” was over a year prior.

The destructiveness of the relationship was so subtle that I feel that I was re-invented without a crisis, but the whole relationship was a crisis of sorts. But it wasn’t a personal crisis, and that’s what’s missing from my life; what I need to break through to something different or new, something that is not predictable and constrained in my old patterns.

Marin Headlands

Look at those adorable sneakers. She was so cute.

We had a lot of problems, but when things were okay, we went out and did a lot of things.