1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

The strangest thing. I had a vivid dream of Amina. I’ve had other dreams of her that were vivid, but there was something different about the way I remember this one. There was something complete and rich about it, like a complete conversation as opposed to cryptic phrases. I don’t remember anything about it. Except that I still, still, still love her. That and that she was pregnant. I don’t think this was the first pregnant Amina dream, though. In this one she wasn’t very pregnant. She let me touch her stomach and it wasn’t obvious. The feelings were good between us, I would venture to say that they were joyous.

I keep wracking my brain about my life. I consider how other people might see me, and I wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? I ponder what various people would think if I killed myself. No one knows that is in my mental health history. No one knows that I never stopped being suicidal. But I have no immediate plans short of February 17, 2003. Maybe a few reminders here and there to keep me in the mood, but nothing serious.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I drove down to the Santa Cruz Mountains after practicing at the studio to catch the Leonid meteor shower. It was spectacular. I saw several on the drive down, just past midnight. When I got up into the mountains, I knew when to stop when I saw cars lining the side of the road. I stayed until past 3 a.m., and I saw more than 600 meteorites in that time. Hardly a minute or two passed without seeing one. There were probably hundreds of people up there to see them. I was probably the only one up there alone.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

The utter contradiction.

Fooling myself into thinking I’m planning to end my life at 34 and still living life now like I’m not.

How much longer can I do this? I’m bored with this existence. I’m tired of this existence. I don’t see the point in this existence. I’ve been here so long feeling this same way. When am I going to do something about it?

Even if it is still more than a year away, why isn’t there any sense of conclusion. Of closure. Am I still discovering anything? Am I still discovering anything that is important?

How do I conclude? How do I close? How do I wrap up everything that I’ve lived, done, been, believed? How do I leave and leave my essence somewhere here in this physical reality that I know is a sliver of the Real. Did Ritu leave a mark? Did she leave her essence somewhere, or with someone, in someone. Did Ritu leave some legacy? Do we all have to leave some legacy?

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I went on that trip last week. I drove down to Southern California last Friday, went to Joshua Tree on Saturday, hung out with Rosalie on Sunday, drove to Sequoia National Park and Kings Canyon on Monday, and drove home on Tuesday, sweeping through Yosemite. There were good points and bad points. Joshua Tree was amazing, I love the desert, it was warm and exciting. A major bad point was Daylight Savings Time ending during the trip, so by the time I was heading to Sequoia National Park, I knew I would have an hour less of daylight.

The Giant Redwoods in Sequoia weren’t spectacular, I think I’m more awed by the tall coastal Redwoods. It was a nice drive through the park, though, and Kings Canyon was incredible, even though I got there after dark. It started raining during the night and it didn’t let up, so that ruined my plans to do some hikes before heading back to San Francisco. But since I was leaving so early, I decided to divert through Yosemite. Even in the rain and fog and mist, Yosemite was quite beautiful. I would like to go to Yosemite and Kings Canyon next Spring or Summer. Mono Lake, too. I also want to drive up the North Coast to see the coastal Redwoods and do a bike ride I’ve read about.

I started cutting again. It felt good. I felt whole again. Maybe not “whole”, but I felt like I was myself again. Nothing serious, just scratches with a utility knife. Lines that heal within a few days.

No more daylight savings. It’s dark by the time I get out of work. Another Winter to get through. A Bay Area “Winter”. I can get through it. February 17, 2003.