In My Cube at Work

Taken with my new digital camera. Photo by Joyce.

11:56 A.M.

Visible in my cube: Poster from the Southern All-Stars CD "Young Love", lyrics to Modest Mouse's "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset", poster of Akira Jimbo playing Yamaha Beech Customs in the same color as mine, Buddhist mandala calendar.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I don’t have any friends. Friends are people who are there when the bottom drops out, and I realize that when my world starts to collapse, none of these people are going to be there. There is no one in my life that I can count on. I have co-workers, bandmates, and housemates. Would any of them be a friend if they weren’t a co-worker, bandmate, or housemate?

I am starting to burn out at work and it’s nothing like I thought it would be. I thought I’d approached burning out before, but it was different before, I was still able to function. That wasn’t burning out, that was frustration and tension; that was hating my job. Now I’m really burning out. There’s a point in the day after which I can’t function anymore, I’m just despondent. I can’t focus; I’ll have five different things on my desk and I can’t get any of them done. I start working on one thing, then I look over at another thing, get distracted and start working on that thing, and I end up getting nothing done. I’m going to call in sick on Friday. Maybe Monday, too.

I need to keep the end of my life in mind, too. I’m supposed to be in my twilight years, not languishing in a dead-end job, doing something I really don’t care for. I’m giving the band a chance, but for how long? Am I clear on what I want out of it in the remaining time I have left? Play gigs? Expression? I’m really not that sure.

I need to calm my mind and not be a part of this world. I need to sit and concentrate, focus on what’s important. I have to remember that dying can’t be a plan. It has to be something I just do, and I have to be completely clear leading up to that point. At this rate, I’m never going to have that clarity. My life is completely clouded and fogged in.

Josefa's Birthday

We tried to have as much fun as possible in those days. We were a good team back then, before the changes.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

There is a certain dynamic in the interaction between Josefa and me, and it's a dynamic that is suitable for co-workers, maybe a superficial friendship, but nothing more. In practice, it's actually more of a harmless, low-level lust. Hey, I'm a guy, she's hot. End of story.

Josefa and I were just crutches for each other to get through Ritu's death, but Ritu is gone and we have to go on with our lives. Our own lives, and we weren't in each other's lives before Ritu died, there's no reason that we should be in each other's lives now.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I slept for 10 hours last night and went to work feeling rejuvenated. I felt for the first time that I'm really getting back to how I was like before Ritu died. I don't know how accurate that is, but I felt I was more cheery, for lack of a better word, than I've been in weeks.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I’ve been occasionally having trouble sleeping these past few weeks. I woke up several times last night, but managed to get back to sleep. But then I woke up at six and didn't want to bother trying anymore, so I got up and got ready for work and got there 45 minutes early. After work I decided to continue and stay and put in overtime and it was Josefa and I working late, just like we did on the 13th floor, and then I walked out with her after 8:00 and walked her to the ferry.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

It's been just over two weeks since we got the news of Ritu's death, and my whole life feels different now. Work is completely different with Theresa and Josefa and having moved to the 18th floor. No more 13th floor.

In these past two weeks, Fiction hired a new guitarist and got a gig booked. Anita and I have cut communications. Our friendship was at its end, Ritu's death finalized it.

These past two weeks have been trying times; Ritu's death was just an undercurrent. The impact was considerable, but with everything else going on, her death now feels like it is far in the past.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

The past week has been a roller-coaster, both emotionally and at work, since hearing the news about Ritu. It seems so long ago that we dealt with the impact of the news. So many emotions, so many phases of dealing with it. Then our team was displaced at work, making a big temporary move up to the 18th floor. Josefa and I were physically removed from the daily reminder of the context of Ritu at work.

Now we're dealing with our problems as a legal team. Theresa is stressed and exasperated. Josefa and I are buried in our workloads. We talk about Ritu, but we don't discuss her anymore. We hang out a lot. There is some attraction, but no chemistry. We might just float in it for a while and then it will fade.

Fiction hired a new guitarist and we have a gig booked for October 20. Things are picking up and we're taking things on with a new attitude. This is how it should have always been. Just go for it. You get no where if you're bogged down trying to be 100% prepared for a gig and having found The Perfect Part for a song. You don't grow without challenges to stumble over, so it's perfect that we only have three and a half weeks before our first gig in this line-up.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Back in the Bay Area, welcome to September. My back is pretty much up to 100%. I’m trying to be careful with it. I started riding to work on Friday and so far, so good. I'm striving to get some normalcy at work. Theresa is in a flurry trying to get up to speed. Josefa and I are hanging out more, and it's hard not to be attracted to her. We've been training a temp that we're hoping to hire, Joyce, and she seems cool, too. I hope she takes the job. Auditions continue for a new guitarist for Fiction.

So everything is just fine, right? Peachy keen, faboo, right? And then boom, Josephine e-mailed me yesterday. She was just checking to see if my address was still active. I haven't responded yet. Why now? What does she want?

Why can’t Josephine just stay away? It has been almost exactly one year since our last communication. It was right after the earthquake in Taiwan, and letting me know that she was alright was the last thing on her mind. Another earthquake just hit Taiwan, almost one year later. This one wasn't as big, so it wasn't as big news. Was she e-mailing me to let me know that she's alright? Doubtful.

Why doesn't she just stay away? I wouldn't go out with her again, our relationship was too hard and there are too many bad memories. I'm still madly attracted to her which would make it hard for me to keep my hands off of her. And if she wants me back, she wouldn't resist. I just don't have time for her in my life.

Josephine. Josefa? It’s totally stupid. Josephine and Josefa are miles apart. They are nothing alike and what attracts me to Josefa is completely different from what attracted me to Josephine. Josephine was a lot of fun and I truly loved her. Josefa, I just want to fuck her brains out.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

So April, this wretched month is almost over. It's always so hard to get through, I don't know why, maybe because Amina's birthday is in it. I bought my way through this April. I got my drumset which is sweet and I've just started getting it into tune. I bought a new Peugeot bike a week ago, that's also pretty sweet. I brought my Fuji in today so that it can act as a backup bike. I also got one of those desk fountains so that I can have the sound of water. If I didn’t have disposable money, I’d be dead.

It was a rough month at work with lots to do, plenty of melodrama, Ritu freaking out at me several times, and me being prepared to give my two weeks notice at any moment. But Ritu and I have been hanging out, I don't blame her for freaking out and we go out for drinks after work a lot. That has been cool. Anita has been away and that has been hard for both of us. She's a friend and she has her presence and her intensity. But the month is almost over and I've got my cases almost clear. If things normalize, things will be very cool. The usual damage done for an April; new scars. Visible scars. They'll fade.

I've really gotten into a band called Versus these past two months. A video of theirs at the NAATA film festival got me buying their CDs and now they're one of my favorite groups. Coincidentally, they came into town this past Thursday and I saw them; they were incredible live.

Fiction mixed their demo and I didn’t really participate. I basically just goofed off. I stopped by their place last night and we discussed the recording and we couldn't agree on anything. I'm not recording anymore, I'm not mixing anymore, I expect gigs to be booked, and if gigs aren't booked, I'll bail with the next band I find.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I took a day off today. I was just completely burnt. A lot of it because of work, but it's also because of the fender bender on Saturday, and recording all day on Sunday. I got to work yesterday and I knew I needed a day off.

So last night I got completely smashed, drank until I collapsed, and recovered today, everything running in slo-mo and constantly on the brink of tears for no reason whatsoever. I recovered enough by the evening to meet Ritu to see "Ghost Dog" that we had planned on last week. She likes what Jim Jarmusch has done before and she's into rap, so she was anticipating this film. It was good.

Ritu is cool, she knew what was up. When I called in sick, she said, "Sure, so I'll meet you for the movie?"

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

A better day. I think the problem with my mood has a lot to do with the weather and work. All day I’m in a corner cube that I like because of the privacy, but I get no sun during the day. When I get off work, the sun is already gone and that may be the cause of the feeling of emptiness when I get out. At least when I’m working, I’m productive. I’m doing something. When I stop working, I just don’t feel like doing anything.

I’ve gotten some of my perspective back and that helped a lot this evening. I can’t let myself get sucked into life. I can’t get confused about the difference between life and existence. Life, I don’t know what that is. Existence is what all appearances are. Everyone may be living, but to me they are just existing. My surroundings are not real, they are just pictures, images. Physical reality is just as intangible as thoughts.

If I remember what I’m doing here, I’ll be alright. If I remember that I’m just here to observe and question reality and investigate the fabric that makes it up, I’ll be alright emotionally. Emotions are such an inconvenience.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Closing out the fourth week of work. Everything has changed, I’m changing. I’m losing myself.

I work on the 13th floor of a building in the Financial District. It’s a corporate law firm that takes the entire floor and also has space on other floors. Windows encircle the entire floor, fluorescent lights bright. I work in a cubicle with three other legal assistants in cubicles in my immediate area. Ritu’s office is pretty close.

It’s a pretty relaxed atmosphere and the people are cool for a corporate law firm. It’s not uptight at all. I bike to work and I bike during my lunch hour, which I usually spend away from office and fellow workers.

It’s more than bearable. It’s not my realm, it’s not what’s important, so I don’t have many feelings about it. It pays bills and I’m just glad for the job.

Fiction is auditioning drummers, but we’ve also started a side project which I’m kinda more into than Fiction. Lisa’s on bass and I play drums, and the idea is that it’s fun and anything goes. No mulling over trying to find perfect parts or over-analyzing and calculating what we’re doing. It’s about coming up with songs and just playing them how we want to. Chris is contributing and his songs are really good, very aggressive and energetic. Lisa’s a competent bass player and she comes up with parts that are perfect for this type of music. My drumming is primal and aggressive. It’s fun.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I got that job with Ritu’s firm, I’m employed! I start work on the 18th and I’m leaving for New Jersey this weekend for one last visit. I don’t know when I’ll be willing and able to visit next. Vacations now will be valuable time, not time that I’d want to spend in New Jersey. I’ve started getting up early and I rehearsed my commute once. It’s about 25 minutes on bike.

So everything theoretically changes from here. It’s a two year commitment, at least, although that’s not binding. Two years and I’ll be 32, still two years short of my ideal age to die. It makes me feel young at 30. In my mind, turning 30 could just as well have been 32 or 34, the feeling is still the same - old, but picking at the numbers, I’ll only be 32.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Josephine is OK, I guess. I found her online, but she wouldn’t talk to me. All she wrote was “busy”, and that was it.

Everything is gone between us, I don’t even want anything to do with her anymore. The love between us was human love, base human love. There was nothing between us beyond human love and our recent communications and this earthquake is very indicative of that. If the earthquake happened here, the first thing I would have done was contact the people I love to let them know I was alright. All she could manage to address my concern was “busy” several days after the fact.

I have my job interview with Ritu’s firm tomorrow. I might have a job. The philosophical ramifications of having a job stagger me. Everything will change. Not having a job, life was one thing. Having a job, life will be a completely different thing. I haven’t quite figured it all out yet, but it feels like the end of my life, nothing more to strive for, overcoming the last obstacle to prove I wasn’t running away from failure.

Having a job means integrating into society and becoming nobody. You are now living to make money and money serves all the activities you want to do, and in that way you become a servant of money. It’s not life anymore. It’s making money. I’ll only know for sure what it is once I’m in it, and then I can decide whether I live or die, or die sooner or later.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I spent a week this month working at a temp job doing data entry and discovered that working for someone else in a lowly job really does suck, regardless of how nice a boss is or co-workers are. I met up with Ed since the building where I was working was right next to the building where he works. It was great to see him; it was the first time in about three years.

I renewed my membership at the darkroom and started printing again. At the darkroom, I ran into Ansje and that was pretty cool. So in the same week, I ran into Ed and Ansje, two past acquaintances with whom I can’t say I lost touch because we were never so close that we were really in touch. But running into them has been very cool and much easier than the four people I got re-acquainted with last year.

And then there was Angie who also fits into that same category. Three people. I’m expecting a fourth if there is something to be learned in all this. Last year I got back into contact with four close people and learned something, and now it should be four people who weren’t close.

Madoka was just here for a few days. Her grandmother is dying and so she rushed to visit her and stopped by here to visit me. It was terrific being with her again without the pressure and strain that Josephine placed on our friendship. She was wonderful as always and I got to introduce her to May Oo since they both work on Burma stuff.

The weird thing is that when I took her to the airport to go back to Thailand, it turns out that Jiu was on the same flight. Yup, it just so happened that the day that Madoka left was the same day that Jiu was heading back to Thailand. And who was there to see her off? Of course, Josephine. How weird is that? Coincidence? Doubt it!!!

So Josephine saw me with Madoka. The old fears and resentments welled up inside of me. Josephine nearly ruined our relationship several times due to her unfounded jealousies of Madoka. All it did was torment me. Do I have any reason to believe that Josephine has changed? Absolutely none. So she saw me at the airport with Madoka, and I know that she thought that Madoka was here to visit me and that we are now going out.

I don’t give a shit what Josephine thinks, if that’s what she wants to believe, that’s not my problem. We are no longer a couple and I don’t have to live under that kind of fear anymore. Lots of bad memories there. If she can’t let go of it, well, Madoka’s friendship is far more valuable than Josephine’s jealousies and Josephine can just take a hike. I ain’t playing that anymore.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Gone the first month of this arbitrary last year of a decade, century, and millennium. Arbitrary numbers. I’m starting to worry about finances and that has been keeping me down lately. I have to really start cutting back because when it comes time for me to get a job, to maintain my current expenditure, I have to be making 30k, and I don’t have the work experience to warrant that high a salary.

Papers are going slow but I have to get them done soon and get on with my life. It’s difficult only because of the lack of deadlines, supervision, or support. But I’m just being lazy.

No Fiction gigs in sight until March and that’s still a maybe. No movement yet in the band to get sooner gigs, and rehearsals are moth-bitten affairs at best. They haven’t been steady or solid and that has been frustrating. At least Chris and Lisa have recruited me for their acoustic gigs, so although not the level of Fiction, it’s something. And perhaps it will be good warm-up.

On the other hand, Madoka is done with her job in Tokyo and is now in Chiang Mai, Thailand, doing more grassroots activist work. And she has reverted much more to the person I loved and held so dear. It’s good to have friends you can count on. Madoka, Kevin, Anita, maybe Frances, maybe May Oo, probably Fiction - more time is needed to be sure. Valuable friends. Value, very interesting. How much self-worth do we attribute to our friends? I keep forgetting that no self-worth should depend on the value of friends.