1347 La Loma, Berkeley

Shiho's ex-boyfriend wants her back and she is considering it. This is the jerk who dumped her for another woman. Now that other woman doesn't want him, and he wants Shiho back. And Shiho is considering it! She, of course, waiting until the end of her visit to tell me this. That was the tactful calculated thing to do, and I appreciate it.

So what is the extent of my love? How do I balance love with dignity? Dignity trumps; I want to just forget it, let her go, let her go back to him, insist on it, I'm not about to compete with him. To be put against a jerk like him is beyond my dignity.

I'm still in love with her. Not only still in love, I realize I was wrong about not loving any of my previous girlfriends beyond a certain point. I'm not sure how I can say it yet, but I love Shiho more than I've loved anyone else. Something about the closeness, the intimacy, the mutuality, the security that never quite existed with anyone else. I never felt this way about anyone else before.

I appreciated Shiho's honesty, but feelings and dignity conflict. I believe her when she says she loves me, so I told her that I would support any decision she made. I told her I will always be her friend, and that I would always be here for her if she wants or needs me. Writing these words, I know I mean it. Precious and sweet, she is everything to me. So much so that I'm willing to just let her go.

We will break up soon. Even after she told me about this new development, we went on as if we were going out and that we were intending to continue this relationship. We kept talking about the next time, the next visit, about her coming again, about me going there. It was an act. It isn't going to happen. And what I told her about supporting whatever decision she made wasn't me being nice. I know what her decision will be, but I want her to stew in “her decision” for a while. I'm not going to make it easy for her. She has to tell me that she is breaking up with me to get back together with this jerk.

1347 La Loma, Berkeley

Shiho lies there sleeping. I think to myself how many people have I loved this much, this dearly. Perhaps just about all of them at some point. Why is this different? Why was Amina different? This is different. Shiho is different. But whenever I've loved anyone this much, I think my love has always reached this level. And the level reached has always been the same. Limited.

She lies there silent, so endeared to me. I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her. Does she know the capacity of my love? Do we love each other in the same way? Are our idea and conception of love the same? I think back to Osaka when she came to visit when she heard I was leaving. That afternoon we spent in each other's arms. I think back to a time in high school when there was a rehearsal going on in the basement, but I was so tired that I needed to take a nap. She came up to my room with me, I forget why, but then after I laid down and she was headed back downstairs, she quickly kissed me on the cheek before going. I ignored it, I wasn't in love with her at that time. Idiot.

I watch her sleeping and I just know this won't last, it is unrealistic. It is unreal. She's here for three days. Two days of travel to be with me for three days.

This past summer. Her apartment was so comfortable. Being there was so comfortable. That one night we went out to the overpass to watch the trains go under and drink beer. What power does love have to keep us together?

How can I love anyone now when I have so many loves in my past that were never resolved, that never reached a proper end?

I never know what is going on in Shiho's heart in any given moment. I never know what is going on in her heart in any given moment. I don't know how her heart works.

I want her to express to me, to tell me that she loves me, to let me know how she feels, but that is not her style. How long will I be able to stand not getting those things? The second time we got together she was just starting to be able to express her feelings in a way I could feel and appreciate.

So much is lying on faith. I understand that it is not her style and I can accept that and adjust. I can only trust that she loves me.

But what indication do I have that I can trust her? Our past? We would get together when we were together, but once we were apart we would fall for other people. And isn't to want such a trust the equivalent of trying to capture her? Trying to make something permanent out of something that can't be permanent, that I know is not permanent, that I feel should not be permanent.

Trust her after Amina? I can't. It's not a vindictive thing against Amina, it's not trauma of being betrayed, it's not emotional. It's fact, it's reality. That sort of trust is not an option anymore. I couldn't trust her even if I were to allow myself to try.

She's beautiful, though. I love her face, her skin, her sex, her presence. I love her existence. If only she loved me back...

1347 La Loma, Berkeley

It struck me again in all its reality that Shiho and I aren't meant to be. I love her with all my heart, I would love to be with her, but I'm not in this venture for the long haul. She mentioned that she would like to see herself like her grandmother in Hiroshima someday. I want to be dead by 40, at most. It just doesn't seem honest to say that I'm making a lifelong commitment to her, knowing that isn't much of a commitment.

Cruel fate to have fallen in love with her after so many years of separation and ambiguous feelings, and to look at our basic incompatible approaches to life. I'm looking at a huge brick wall. I make no long-term commitment. I give this relationship to about the end of the year.

1347 La Loma, Berkeley

The goal of my life is to not commit suicide. Over the past few lifetimes, I've been dying by suicide, and for my path, suicide is wrong. It is arbitrary that our society also says that suicide is wrong. It could have been anything, it could have been eating pork or mushrooms, or foot fetishes. And every time I've committed suicide, I've put more distance between God and me. "God", as usual, being fully open to interpretation.

The elements and pieces of my life fit into place. My lifelong affinity with Japan. Even before meeting anyone from Japan, I remember back in the '70’s, making lists of Japanese vocabulary with my grandmother and trying to memorize them. I wonder if this attraction has anything to do with Japan historically accepting suicide as a societal expectation in certain situations. It wasn't outright condemned. As if I'm trying to get closer to a societal shelter to try to justify what has been metaphysically identified as something I should not do.

But my desire to commit suicide is also directly linked to the 'rents. If they died, I think my motivation to die would be gone. Suicide is part of my life, it is part of my identity, it is not merely something that is done; there is a philosophy about it. Then how can it be at all linked to the 'rents?

One link: the irony that they're pushing me into the field of law. I heard that lawyers have the highest suicide rate among the professions. It's like they're giving alcohol to a recovering alcoholic thinking that they're giving lemonade.

Hmm, all I have to do is not kill myself for however many years. How hard can that be? We go about our lives, day by day, and whatever comes gets us through to the next day. How hard can it be to just keep doing that? It's what I've been doing thus far. But some times it is really hard to not, because thinking of doing it is so easy and so natural. And looking at the span of years before me and living through them is daunting and discouraging. What a miserable life it would be to just resign myself to living just for the sake of living, for the sake of not committing suicide.