1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I knew that the high wouldn’t last. Everything was looking a little too perfect for a while. A new life, a new course, getting back in touch with old friends and stuff.

I’ve been getting back in touch with people this year. I got back in touch with Frances. I got back in touch with Vikki, and I’m regretting that already after one meeting. She can’t possibly be a positive element in my life. And on top of all that, Anita has been pissing me off and not returning messages and I’m at the point of letting go of that contact. People have been the biggest disappointment.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I was able to go back into Josephine’s room for the first time since last May and the memories of Josephine screamed out their ghosts. Josephine was a very bad chapter in my life, all those fights. It’s too bad she never learned what a vivid impression violence makes. The sound of doors slamming or objects being thrown and broken; she never realized that those memories are deeply etched scars. She always thought that I should be able to just forget and let those things go. I’m glad she’s out of my life and should endeavor to get over her as soon as possible.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I bought a new bass on Monday! A Spector NS-2000. So far I’m not completely sold on it, even though I bought it. I haven’t gotten a chance to take it into the studio yet. It is visually more aesthetically pleasing than the Riverhead, which is freakish. It balances great and feels great. The neck is slower than the Riverhead, and it’s heavier. The most important thing will be the sound. If it’s anywhere near comparable to the Riverhead, which so far I’m not convinced it will be, then it might become my main bass. Which would be too bad since I’m rather attached to the Riverhead.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I got back in touch with Frances. It was all positive, all good memories, lots of old love. We’ve grown and matured. I’m glad I did it. I just got the urge to contact her and so I searched for her on the web, then dug out my old address books for her last known number and tracked her down. It was such a good feeling to talk to her; just someone from the past. We used to be really good friends and we shared lots of quality time. But then with her personal life there was always something detached and untouchable. I never understood her obsessions with people who treated her like shit and who I couldn’t stand. She casually mentioned Amina which indicated to me that she is unaware of how sensitive a topic that is. To my surprise I responded to her name bitterly. There really is no basis for my fixation on Amina.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The Breakup: It has only been three weeks, I can’t expect myself to recover in that short a period. It’s still painful and my heart breaks every time I think of Josephine. There’s a nice balance between these journal entries and my actual memories of her. These journal entries chronicle our problems, but my memories of her are mostly fond ones.

I responded to an email and re-iterated my conviction that we stay away from each other. She responded saying that only then did she realize that we were finished. Once again I felt my heart shatter. But I guess that proves that the Relationship couldn't go on. For me, we broke up when she called to say goodbye forever. I heard “forever” and attached immediate meaning to it. She thought she could heap such abuse on me and we'd still get back together in a few days.

The Band: I like Fiction. They are good people. There’s a lot of sincerity and talent in the group. We play together fine, but I feel something missing. Sounding together isn’t enough to establish a groove. It’s fine that we’re playing together, but eventually something needs to be done to tighten it up.

The Apartment: I’m finally moving out of here. My current housemate got a flat in San Francisco with another woman named Rosalie and she asked me to fill the third room. I have no idea what the near future holds, but that’s OK. I’m hoping this will be a settling move. I want to move in with the feeling that this is my home, I’m settling there. I’m buying furniture and making the space comfortable for me and make me think that this is where I’m staying, I want to make it a place where I’m staying. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always assumed that I’d be moving on eventually. And this move to Noe Valley may not be permanent, but moving in, I want to treat it like a permanent move.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Everything is a mess, my existence, my life, my well-being, my awareness, my perception are all crashing down around me and I don’t feel a thing. I can’t touch it. I have consciousness, that’s about it. Everything is so shaky. I’m not doing anything and I’m totally unmotivated and I’m finding little satisfaction in anything. Another cycle of self-destruction.

I love Josephine, but there is no doubt that the relationship was not working and would continue not working. And that’s what is hardest. The temptation is so great to get back in touch with her, the desire is fully there, but I have to resist, restrain, discipline.

But now I don’t think I could go back to the relationship even if I succumbed to the temptation. Upon her decision to end it once and for all, my life has completely jumped tracks. I’m on a completely different set of tracks, headed in a new direction, and the idea of getting back on the tracks I was on when I was with her is almost impossible now, it’s unthinkable.

But yea, that was it. That was the final decision and there is no going back on it. That was the point. The fights were the proof. The distrust was huge. The relationship was at its critical juncture, and we chose to end it instead of finding out a plan how to make it better and then executing it. Neither of us had any idea what sort of plan might have worked. Neither of us had the will to execute it, too much shit between us, too much distrust.

So maybe it isn’t my life that is a mess. Maybe this is what it feels like to be devastated over a relationship. Maybe all this is just about breaking up with Josephine and how that feels. And once I recover from the breakup, my life and feelings won’t be so tortured. So I’m growing. And I really love her and miss her. And the thought of the day that she leaves for Taiwan is unthinkable. Who will take her to the airport, who will be there to see her off? My heart will shatter when she leaves. Darling sweet Josephine. But that’s the way it has to be.

Series VIII, Roll 13 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):

Chinese Cemetery, Colma, CA: Maybe Hoysun Cemetery or Golden Hill Cemetery


Frame 31

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I’m preparing for the next few weeks in which I will be recovering from the breakup. The breaking up is right and easy, the acceptance and recovery is not. I expect the next few weeks to be difficult, the wrenching separation, the pangs of love and sweet memories, the things we planned that will never happen. I have to find a way to strike a balance between the highs and lows and find some comfort, some reconciliation, of her presence in my life and her impact. I don’t want her to be a bad memory, I want to remember the good things, not just the stuff I’ve been typing in here, and to find peace in the pain of breaking up with her. There was no choice, we had to break up. But there is no doubt how deeply I loved her. We just weren’t right for each other or it wasn’t the time for us.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. That is the basic core of what I am now. That’s why I can’t write songs; if I’m numb, do I have anything to write about? That’s why I don’t have any close friends. I’m numb and I keep myself at arms distance, I don’t get involved in the emotional content of other people and more importantly, I don’t let them get involved in mine. Can’t have one without the other. I’m numb to other peoples’ suffering and that is why I’m miserable and not growing.

I don’t know how to feel pain. The numbness is debilitating. People need pain, people need suffering for their humanity. Life is suffering. The first noble truth of Buddhism. It's not some cosmic downer or horrible world perspective that's supposed to push us down the path of Buddhism. It's just a fact, a recognition we need on a path to enlightenment.

Existence itself is suffering and people who don’t even know that are the worst off. I’ve numbed myself off to a lot of it. I know life is suffering and it is inherent in existence, I know that well. The unbearable lightness of being. But I’ve turned it into something else so that I miss the point of the suffering.

Cutting is a way for me to create what I don’t have. But it’s artificial and contrived. It transforms it and channels it, so instead of torrents of unpredictable raging rapids, I have dams, water control, and nicely irrigated fields. Cutting is harming me because it is part of the numbing. I control the pain, I do. True pain is something that can’t be controlled.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Horoscopes are just for fun, they are written ambiguously to fit many different situations. Still, don't we love it when they seem to speak directly to us and our situations?

Aquarius: Either you or your partner is likely to force a relationship issue in the next few days. You may need to privately fix what has been publicly broken. An argument might be more about what something is called than about what it is. Look back one last time before moving ahead. You may have made the best decision, but you won’t know for sure until you commit to it. Restraint will play a starring role in your winning strategy. Call in a third party to mediate if reaching common ground seems like an impossible dream. Hang onto the option of taking your business elsewhere!

And here are our final break-up horoscopes from the Guardian and SF Weekly:

Aquarius: It’s not the size of your delusions; it’s how you use them. Still, competition over the immensity and number of delusions is an important feature of this week, as several of the people around you are determined to prove that their fantasy life is the most interesting one of all. Reality really hasn’t got much of a chance.

Gemini: Unconditional acceptance is for five-year olds. Anybody older than that generally has to prove themselves first. And you’ll spend a fair amount of time this week being challenged, and proving your worth, and earning acceptance from others. Blame it on the Mercury opposition.

Aquarius: I’ve got to be frank: You Aquarians no longer have the luxury of holding on to your adolescence, let alone your childhood. The same goes for your amateur status and Mickey Mouse approaches. In my astrological opinion, it’s time to take a step toward being on the verge of tiptoeing to the brink of preparing to accept mature professionalism into your heart with unconditional welcome. You could make the process less harrowing by hanging out with those rare wise guys and wise gals who’ve survived the transition to adulthood with their irreverence and curiosity intact.

Gemini: I recently had a serious disagreement with a friend. The fix we were in seemed intractable. Unable to concentrate on anything else, I decided to clean house. After a manic hour of scrubbing and straightening, I picked up the headphone of my pocket radio and worked on disentangling the snarled wires. Miraculously, my head began to clear. It was as if what I was doing with my hands was accomplishing a similar action in my brain circuits. By the time I’d finished the unscrambling, I knew exactly what I had to say to my friend to make things right again. This is the exact meditation I’d like to recommend to you, Gemini, as you confront your own mess. Find a gnarled mass of cords or wires, and undo it.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I re-arranged my room today. It was a minor re-arrangement, but a necessary one that changed everything. It’s part of my personality really. In high school, when I lived in New Jersey, I had to re-arrange my room on the average every six months or I would feel like I was stagnating, and that would affect all aspects of my life and how I saw it. I continued the pattern in college to a lesser extent, where the longest I lived in one situation was a semester and a half. Something had to change almost every semester.

And then to an even lesser extent it has continued here in the Bay Area where I’ve been moving every year until I moved here, and the only reason why I’ve been here over two years and haven’t moved is because the rental market in San Francisco is the pits. I can’t even say that I’ve settled here, first chance I get, I’ll move.

Series VIII, Roll 13 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):

Beach at Fort Funston:


Frame 12


Frame 13


Frame 21 - high tide and stormy conditions.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

If only I will be able to remember this day and be able to always come back to it and remember why things ended up the way they did. I have no faith in this relationship. I have so little faith in the relationship that I don’t even have faith that it’s over, when it is, in fact, over and has been for quite some time.

Even if I could write down a bottom line about why this relationship should be over, in a week, two weeks, who knows, I will just read over it, ignore it, justify it, amend it, clarify it. What’s the use? What are the things I should be remembering? Do the times of love outweigh the times of hate? Tonight we had them both, and there’s no denying it, times of hate ruled the day. Time of hate outweighed the time of love hands down.

What can I say about the fight we had that will make me remember it? And I certainly do want to remember it, because if I don’t remember it, etch it into my memory with every thought I have of her, any future contact doomed to failure, then we will certainly just repeat it. “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day”. How many more days will end with me saying that to myself.

Maybe all I need to remember is her final, “Can you go home now,” after I had been trying so hard to stay. It was so easy. I was out of there like a slingshot without a hesitant step back.

Series VIII, Roll 13 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):

Golden Gate Park:


Frame 6 - John F. Kennedy Drive, close to the ocean.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Aquarius: Fight against the urge to stir things up. Sometimes it’s better to give up than to drown in futility. Spend your resources on battles that you know you can win, and don’t buy more trouble than you can afford. Guard against feelings of pride and arrogance. They could become your tragic flaws if you let them have free reign. Even a well-intentioned prank can turn into something uglier. Channel your efforts to where they will do the most good. This is not a good time to exhibit your weaknesses. Predators have no sympathy.

A pretty good day. I got almost eight hours of sleep last night and I think that has a lot to do with it. I’m getting old, I have to face it, and need more sleep. Just this year I extended my sleeping needs to seven hours, but lately I haven’t even been able to do that.

I had a dream, but I don’t remember it all. What I do remember is that an acquaintance from law school was in love with me and always has been. There was a gentleness and tenderness about the dream, which took place at night in a city. A quaint city that conjured perhaps a residential area of Bangkok, or New Orleans. I remember the distinct youthful feeling of being loved and being in love, so different from what I have with Josephine.

We were just about to reconcile when she told me that she burned the bracelet that I gave her over the summer when she stopped over in Bangkok on her way to India. That bracelet symbolized our second chance, and she burned it.

Last Summer, when we went to Ayuthaya, we bought bracelets to symbolize our togetherness. But in the tumult of our relationship that followed, we both got rid of them. Then I went to Bangkok this Summer and when she came to Bangkok, I presented her with two bracelets, one that I was going to put on her, and the other she put on me. I said, “let’s give this another try”.

It was the symbol of our second chance and she burned it. Symbols are important. And her burning the bracelet told me more about her than all our struggling to reconcile over the phone tonight, more than all our unwillingness to verbally put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. That act told me that the relationship, for our own good, is over. Irregardless of how many times we get back together.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

If I stay away from Josephine long enough, she will fade. It can be over right now and it would make no difference to how I’m living my life and how I see the near future. This fight will be extremely difficult to reconcile and I question whether I really want to. I’ve always felt this relationship has been an “all or none” deal, and that is the result of how our relationship was a year ago. When it was young, when we moved in together, she monopolized my life and demanded more than I should ever give. And even though she has changed and doesn’t demand all or none, the echoes are still here. And no more am I in the “all” camp, and so I am feeling “none”.

Today was another beautiful day, warm and sunny. I finished recording a David Bowie song for fun, and had Japanese noodles for lunch. On the way to school, well way out of the way, I rode to the beach at sunset. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t know if that was it, or whether it was because I got nothing done on my exam, but I was just tired, depressed, and introspective afterwards.

Drinking has also been wiping me out lately. I wonder how my liver is doing. Diem told me her uncle died when he was 34 and he had drinking habits like mine. But I wonder if he ever tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which must wreak havoc on the liver. I haven’t done it in a year, but it is in my history.

I don’t mind dying. On the threshold of turning 30, any time will do now and I don’t plan on changing anything in reaction to the threat of dying. Fine I’ll drink myself to death, or get smashed on my bike in traffic at night because I don’t use lights or a helmet. I welcome dying. It’s almost time.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I gave a talk to today on the ethnic groups of Burma. It felt so good to talk and then be surrounded by people with whom I could actually talk with about human rights and Burma. I’ve been totally deprived of that interaction in the entire time I’ve been involved with Burma issues. I’ve never even discussed the issues with Madoka. That’s a curiosity in itself. Madoka and I used to be able to talk about anything, but now the most obvious thing we’d discuss has never crossed our lips.

So I spent last night and most of today preparing for the talk and rehearsing what I was going to say. In the end, I talked without the script and just tried to let it flow. There were Burmese at the talk and one of the speakers was Burmese, Ko Ko Lay, who talked about his experiences in the 1988 military crackdown and his time on the border and then getting to the U.S.. There was also a Karen woman there, and that was exciting since my talk was on the ethnic groups. I exchanged information with some people and I hope to stay in contact with them.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Not a week has passed since we made up after the last big blowout and here we are again. The same old pattern has re-emerged: things are great for about a month after a major breakup and then we enter a cycle of smaller fights that increase in frequency. I was trying to write an immediately conciliatory e-mail, but something just stopped me. Part of it probably due to her message during our previous fight not to e-mail her anymore. Fuck you. Fine, I won’t.

I feel this huge resentment towards her building up in me. It’s here and shouldn’t be ignored. I remember long ago in previous relationships how I thought in order to find the perfect partner, I had to mark a relationship doomed immediately upon recognizing any incompatibility. Anything otherwise would be forcing something unnatural. I don’t think that’s true anymore; it was a mark of immaturity, but I think there are elements in the sentiment that hold.

Part of me tells me to begin the process of disassociation which will eventually lead to an inevitable breakup. Beginning that process effectually ends the Relationship right now, because it makes it inevitable. Anything that happens between us from here on in will be superficial and a product of only a moment; nothing that will last.

But then there is another part of me that wonders. Haven’t I changed? Aren’t things different? What if I decided to not get stuck in my past persona and recognized the possibilities inherent in my flexibility and ability to change and erase conflict when I so desire and choose?

Instead of viewing fights as another brick in a wall, the completion of which will be marked by a fight followed by absolutely no desire to get back into the Relationship, perhaps fights can be viewed as opportunities. The relationship has come a long way, and there is a whole world of possibilities if I chose to see it that way. Fights indicate that there still are problems of one sort or another, but each problem is a challenge, an obstacle course of negative sentiments, misunderstandings, and poor communications that need to be navigated to the goal of being together.

So being together is the reward? That’s the bottom line, the nagging question that underlies the entire Relationship is whether this is the person I want to be with. And the biggest problem will be the time when the question is answered in the negative. But for now, this time, I will call her because that is what I want to do. I don’t want this to linger any longer than it has to.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Well, that’s it. As far as I’m concerned, Josephine and I are broken up. Anytime we can’t reconcile a problem upon either of us making the attempt, the olive branch posture, then it’s over. Certainly we’ll get together again in the next week or the week after. But at this moment, we’re finished and anything that comes through the floodgates will not be inhibited by any loyalty to a Relationship. We didn’t make it two months. Finished.

I’m not going to “save my time” with friends. Fuck you, she has no idea of who I am or what I do or how I work. My time and energy are going into music and looking for direction.

email - San Francisco

Dear Koji: I don't know what to say and I don't understand what you are talking about. This communication is frustrating me. Sometimes I try to use as many words as I have known to communicate with you but it always turns out that you misunderstand me. Sometimes, I also doubt that maybe I don't understand what you say. You will never have a feeling that there is something in your mind and you want to let it out so badly but your tongue just doesn't help at all. It is just like your heart is stopping. If this is a communication, please try not to use some big words or try to give some space about what I say. If this is an agreement, it will never be fair unless we use the third language. You said you won't rush back to me. I am not expecting you rush back to me. I know you won't. And, I won't be the one who knock on your door and beg you for getting back together almost desperately. Please stop e-mailing me. Save your time with every friend of yours. You will never resent them and they will always love you. I am serious and not being sarcastic.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear Josephine, my only crime was that I was feeling bad and depressed and hoped for some comfort and sympathy. I sent you mails trying to get on with our lives and the Relationship and you insist that there are still problems. My final analysis now is that you wrote that last nasty message because you're either mad at me, which is dumb because I think I have more reason to be mad at you, or that you're just feeling bad these days, in which case I'll just wait until you're feeling better.

Your whole thing about honesty, it seems to be pattern that you only talk about honesty when we're in a fight, and then any "discussion" on honesty comes across as accusation. So if you have a real problem with honesty, I'll wait to address when things are back to normal. When you talk about honesty in the middle of a fight, I think you're just being mad. And if you want to talk about honesty, you should respond to the comment I made last week that you didn't even acknowledge - that I was "honest" twice and you reacted with hostility. Don't talk to me about honesty without addressing that.

Fights are not times to all of a sudden become "honest". Fights are a time when we should be taking all efforts to reconcile things, and if you don't make those efforts, the message is that you don't want to reconcile things and you want to keep fighting. I've been making efforts to reconcile things and you've ignored them all and offered nothing. Of course, I'm not going to be rushing back to you. And I've been completely honest to you, I don't know what you're accusing me of, so stop. My taking better care of my other friendships was something I realized this weekend when all of a sudden you were out of my life. I can't be "honest" and tell you about something before I even realize it. And it wasn't a case of us getting into a fight and me suddenly becoming honest. We fought, I realized certain things, and then I just told you what was on my mind, which is what I ALWAYS do.

I’ll stop here, I meant this message to be conciliatory and to help give perspective, but it has only made me resentful, mostly because of the tone of your last message, if not the substance, and your otherwise silence. I guess the fight continues.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear josephine,
I didn't know you were so unhappy with the relationship. I'll have to think about it some more. you've gotten nothing but honesty from me

email - San Francisco

Dear Koji: You should be able to hang out with your friends whenever you want. I don't need more time from you and I think you already know that. Besides, you should just do what you like to. I feel our relationship is going not very well. There is something missing in it. First of all, I hope we can hang out at your place sometimes too. Second of all, dating. We should do something together, something like going out to see a movie, reading a magazine together, or taking a walk together, or biking. This is my relationship too so I want to tell you what I want in a relationship. I don't need more time with you but I need honesty. Sometimes, I feel you are rejecting me and not telling the reasons, which is not a good feeling for me. If you just don't like it, then you can just say "I don't like to do that with you." Then, I will have a clear message in my mind, and then I can decide what I am gonna do about it instead of feeling confused. This is only my suggestion for you. There will be no point if we feel forced to do some change for each other. Relationships should be happy; none of us should feel forced or uncomfortable.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear josephine, it's been several days since I've heard from you. What I don't understand is how I could be having a bad day on friday because of the weather, and then not only do I have to console you to try to make you feel better, but I wasn't succeeding. I felt bad, then it affects you and then I end up trying to make you feel better and it doesn't work, and then I feel guilty about it.

On Saturday, I found myself not knowing what to do. I realized how alone I am without you and how I've let you monopolize my social life. It's not your fault, of course; it's something that I've allowed to happen, but it has to stop. I've been giving you all my attention because I love you and want to, but when we have fights, it becomes clear that I need my friends. I know you're different now and will understand if I don't spend so much time with you to take care of my friendships. I know you'll understand and support me.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The silence continues. We fought, we cut contact, and now it’s awkward on how we’re going to get back into contact. I sent an email and that may settle it for this fight, but it doesn’t address the underlying concerns. And I think there are underlying concerns in this little battle. Fights that are petty and momentary can be cast off with a joke, but fights with "underlying concerns" must be addressed.

Silence is hard. As an exercise I treated today as if we had broken up. A year ago if we weren’t living together, we would have broken up irreparably. The only reason why we lasted this long is that we lived together; ironically we fought more bitterly because we were cooped up together. Now we live apart and we’re still having these fights. What’s different?

I can totally imagine us getting into a fight, heated words exchanged over the phone. Threatening and cryptic messages on answering machines. Bad feeling, bad blood, bad everything. We cut contact. She doesn’t call me or I’m not here when she calls because I’m out trying to fill my time, or I don’t call her or I call her and she’s not there or not answering. Both of us refuse to leave messages.

In this time I’m occupying myself. Distractions. Days go by without contact and the silence brings tension. It feels like a breakup. And the feeling leads to thoughts and behavior indicating a breakup. After a few days, it starts to feel more comfortable, and a reconciliation feels more awkward. Then we get back into contact with several days of silence and reflection to our credit. She says that she can’t deal with this situation anymore and it’s best that we go our separate ways.

I can totally see it happening. Do I trust her? Doesn’t look good.

I’ve gone back to slowly killing myself with alcohol, and that doesn’t really fit the profile of the perfect relationship with Josephine. There will always be pain, fights, struggles, and tension. So why should I aspire for a long life with her? Why would I under any conditions; long life is simply not my goal. I want to die young and soon. Even if our relationship lasts until my liver finally gives up, which is I hope around 34 or 35, dying will still be a relief. Without Josephine in the house, I’m drinking lots more and I don’t even count the shots anymore, and the effect isn’t that strong, mildly numbing.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The Relationship is still on the rocks. It’s funny how different situations look depending on whether you’re in them or looking at them. If it was someone else and I was looking at it, I would push for resolution. What is so important that things have to be fucked up? Un-fuck it up as soon as possible. But once I’m in it, it’s a totally different perspective.

It’s psychology, it’s patterns, it’s personality. It is in these times that I seriously question if we’re going to last as long as we think we’re going to last. I’m still looking for perfection in having no fights, and this isn’t it. It is during the bad times that we can get a true gauge on our relationship, and so far our record has been pretty miserable. When things are fine, hunky dory, but once things start going wrong, it’s fugazi. And each fight is another brick in the wall. Right now, I miss her and hope that this thing gets resolved soon. But if this keeps happening, after four, six, nine months, I’m not going to be so itching to get back with her. We’ll fight, cut contact, and I’ll be happy with that situation and dread her seeking resolution. There will be a point where I’ll be happier out of contact and that will be the end of the relationship.

This situation has revealed something unpleasant. We got into a fight because I was depressed, and inexplicably, I ended up having to comfort her. And the revelation is I haven’t seen her for a couple of days and today I found myself alone, grasping for something to do. I don’t want to have a final break up with her and be in that situation.

I need my own friends back and my own life. I want to be going to more shows, seeing more bands. I need to be making friends. Josephine is monopolizing my social life. Doubts abound about the longevity of this relationship, truth to tell, and I have to watch my ass.

New apartment and job. Those haven’t been high on my priority list because of this idea that we would be going to Taiwan together after she graduates. Basically, my life is on hold while she finishes this degree. That’s not right. We’re still handling fights really badly. We may still very easily bust up. Taiwan may very easily not happen.

I need to prepare for the worst. Is that a show of lack of confidence in this relationship? Sure. We’re still getting into these miserable little nothing fights that end up big deals. I need a safety net. I need to find an apartment to call home; a real home, not just a transient place the likes of which I’ve been doing since college. I need a job and get somewhat settled. If things work out with us, fine, Taiwan is still an option, but I can’t be counting on it at this point in my life.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I have my first “speaking engagement”. Boy does that sound weird; me, featured speaker. I’m so important now. HRA has scheduled an event where I discuss my recent experience at the U.N. and my research on the ethnic groups of Burma. Wow, this is resumé material! I better read my paper again and look up some law.

Just in case I totally flop, I’m also going to use this opportunity to exhibit my photos from the refugee camps last year. So if all else fails, I can at least use my photos to prove that I have some redeeming quality. Can’t speak for shit, but he’s into photography; very interesting.

The Relationship is on the rocks today. I was moody today because it was cloudy. Rain is a depressant. But truth to tell, I wasn’t feeling terrible when I left the house to pick her up at 4:00 at school. But then there was traffic going there, then she didn’t show up and I waited until 4:30 and then left and then there was traffic on the way back, and then she left a message on my machine and she sounded pissed at me. So I canceled plans to go to Palo Alto and drank and shut off from her. And it was the strangest thing, I ended up trying to console her. And stranger still, I wasn’t succeeding! What is it when I have a bad day or I’m moody and in need of comfort and understanding and I end up having to comfort her? That’s fucking lame. A babysitter I am not.

But in the end, no hard feelings. It’s nbd and it’ll pass. What I’m more concerned about is that not having sex is becoming the norm between us. We had several opportunities and each time, one of us thwarted it, maybe in reaction to the previous non-occurrence, which is even worse, but the bottom line is the same, it’s not happening. What if it gets to the point where any time we do have sex it feels forced and contrived? Bad sex will bring this relationship down.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

There is no improvement in my creative process. I have nothing to say and no way to say it; should I even be trying? There are so many talented writers out there, how can I even think I can compare? But I guess I’ll keep trying. How good other people are is not a gauge on what I might possibly say or how. I’ve written songs before and as little reaction as they’ve gotten from people, I do take pride in that they are my expression. And what other people think of the songs, mostly uniform bafflement, does not make me look upon my songs less favorably.

Josephine and I visited Audrey today down in Palo Alto where her kid brothers got an apartment. Audrey is a very different person than who I was endeared to when she got to the U.S. in the early ‘90's. She’s become much more bitter and cynical. Paranoid, even with a touch of insecurity. Maybe more than a touch. I didn’t realize that this is the norm now until recently. I thought she was just in a phase, but this is what she is now.

email - San Francisco

Hi, dear: Today in school, we had a short break. I was sitting there and people who sat beside me and behind me and in front of me were talking. I felt weird because I was sitting there and not talking with them. It is NBD but I thought of the days in my university and it was nice because I had so many classmates can talk when we had a break. I think it is my fault because I know I don't look friendly enough. I seldom talk to people first. It is always that people come to talk to me and then we become friends. The way I made friend with you is just so rare. I am attracted to you and you made me want to talk to you first. Even you, when you saw me at the first time, you didn't want to talk to me. Do I look very very unfriendly? Some friends told me I look too proud to talk to. (I take it as a compliment.) Jiu told me that the first time she saw me and tried to talk to me and she said I was like having a serious face and "tried to smile a little bit" ( quoted from Jiu). Isn't that funny? I didn't remember that at all. I didn't mean to be rude to her at all. I just have a very unfriendly face, I can't help it. Anita also told me that she thought I don't like her at first time we met each other. God, I didn't remember that, either. I think, when I am not smiling, I look terribly unfriendly. Not like other people, if they don't smile, it just simply means that they are not smiling but they might still look friendly. Poor me. The worse thing is that I will look even more unfriendly if I force myself to smile. But, I know, when I am really smiling and laughing, I do a pretty good job. And, that is why you love me. You love my :) I think I am like a dog. When dogs are not sticking their tongues out (meaning, smiling), they all look worried, sad or mean (that is the worst case). even though they have a nice heart. And now I want to have a cat with you. We can keep a cat when we are living in taipei. I love dogs but after "Pi-Pi", I don't think I want to keep any dog. Some cats are very cute too. Besides, I am curious about cats. They all look very proud and elegant. I also want to get to know their habits.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The fight is over. It looked like it was going to drag on another day, but it ended today. I went to the darkroom and afterwards headed over to her place. I acted normally when I got there because we both said we could let go of it, but she was cold to me and neither of us felt comfortable. She made a big show of being happy when K, one of the Thai guys, called, but with me she read ‘Time’ magazine. Fuck you. So I said I didn’t know what to say. She replied that I didn’t have to say anything and so I decided to leave instead of just sitting there like an idiot. We hugged and I left and she called soon after pretending everything was back to normal. Fine. Everything’s back to fucking normal.

email - San Francisco

dear koji:
I will try to say what I want more clearly. if I fail to say it clearly enough to let you understand, then please tell me by saying "I don't know what you really want, do you mind say it more clearly?" would you, please, koji? sometimes, what I say is just directly translated from chinese in my head before I say it, so I have hard time expressing what I want to say perfectly. of course, I know, sometimes, I do fail to be brave enough to speak out what I want. could you give me some support when it happens? I have been feeling you are really patient talking to me. I really think you are. actually, you sometimes can understand me even though I have grammar mistakes or I don't finish the sentences. I guess "you have grown accustomed to my english." I know, I know, I still will say whatever I want to say as clear as possible to let you perceive it right. you know, sometimes, I just "think" you will understand whatever I say because I think you are smart. ok,ok, it is nothing about you are smart or not. I got to go. love, jo

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine,
what I still don't understand is how I was supposed to know that was all that you wanted, how was I to know that you were lonely. You said "do you want to come here?", the conversation was tense, I sensed hostility, the answer to the question "do you want to come here?" was clearly "no". If you asked, "could you come here, I feel lonely" the answer would have been different. doesn't it bother you that it took almost 18 hours for me to realize what you meant? the truth is you weren't very clear about what you wanted and I don't think you can expect me to figure out what you wanted. I don't react well to what I perceive as hostility. Hostility doesn't tell me you're lonely, it tells me that I'm at risk of getting into a really bad situation.

that's what I want to say, now it's OK and we can let it go.

email - San Francisco

dear koji:
I sincerely accept your apology. that is ok. I am glad that you looked back and found out that I just wanted to see you. last night, I felt lonely and I hoped that you could just sit next to me and hold my hands. now, I feel fine and I think we can let it go. ok? love, jo

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine, after sleeping it over and cooling down, I think that maybe you really wanted just to see me last night and you got mad when I said I didn't want to go. If that is the case, I'm really sorry I didn't go to see you. It was a mistake not to go, but I could not have known at the time I was making a mistake. Only looking back do I see it. all I can do now is apologize. If you just wanted to be with me last night, then I really would have wanted to go, I wouldn't have felt like I had to go for you.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear josephine, the way I see it, I was "being honest" to you twice this weekend and both times you reacted with hostility. the first time I said that I was starting to feel an expectation that I had to be home to receive your call when you called before going to sleep. if I was wrong about feeling that expectation, I can deal with you telling me that I'm wrong. maybe I used a poor choice of words by saying it felt like you were "checking up on me", but it's always easy to look back and point out the problems. if it happened again, I can't say that I wouldn't have used the exact same words and made the same mistake. in any case, your hostility was unexpected.

then I was being honest when I said we needed time apart. I said that because even though I was trying to joke around, it was obvious that there was hostility between us. When someone is hostile to me, I either go away or risk become hostile back and then getting really nasty.

quite honestly, I don't think we're ready for full honesty. but that is nothing new, I know it, you know it, it is something we're developing. we need to be aware that we're not ready for full honesty. it is something we need to keep working at and I will. I'm not going to give up.

I maintain WE need time apart. I don't like people being hostile to me, I hope you can respect that and not be angry that I said we need a few days apart. You even said today that time apart is OK, but when I suggested it you got mad when I said you need it, too. We're a couple, if one of us says we need it, we both need it. When you insist you don't need it, you're removing yourself from the relationship and not respecting my feelings. this is complicated, I need time to think about it.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

No resolution with Josephine. When she first called today, we were cold and hung up with barely a ‘good-bye’. Then the next time she called it was a little better and we carried a short conversation, but then it ended at arms length.

I don’t really mind tensions and bad feelings, it’s a lot easier now that we’re not living with each other. Living apart takes a lot of the direct tension out of fights. And quite honestly, I don’t mind. I think I need this type of tension and anger. Negative feelings focuses my writing. They are what I express best.

I’m in such a creative slump I’ll take anything. It feels like a block, something is preventing me from breaking through to what I want to express, to be able to put words and chords together and come up with a song. I can’t even gather the words in any cohesive way. It’s frustrating.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

The Relationship is still developing and changing. By no means have we attained a level of complete comfort or security with each other, there are still too many unknowns and variables. The last time we had bad feelings between us, it was no problem. It was a momentary thing. It was superficial and only affected that moment, that day, of our relationship. When we got back together, everything was back to normal.

Tonight, though, showed that there still are issues that we’ve barely begun to deal with. Every night after I’ve been coming home, she would call. And in general it has been fine, it’s been nice to cap off a day with a short chat with her. Just some times it felt like she was checking up on me to make sure I got home OK. Just a sense, and there have been times where I didn’t come straight home and she tried calling and I wasn’t here and she came looking for me in her car!

Though I appreciate the concern, if she does that all the time, I don’t like that. It feels like I’m being monitored or that she’s requiring me to be accessible. I mentioned it to her that sometimes it feels like she’s checking up on me to make sure I’m alright and I don’t really like that. I feel that I’m expected to be home to receive her call and that’s constraining. I made it clear that it is fine if she just calls because she wants to. Apparently she feels that she has only been calling because she wants to and she took offense at what I said. Her response was that she would never call again. Fuck you.

Honesty and telling the truth has been such a hard issue between us. I was honest and told the truth and that was the reaction - she would never call again after I left. I shouldn’t have been honest.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Things have been going pretty well with Josephine, I’m not sure if it’s because she has been changing or if it’s because we are living apart. If it’s because we are living apart, that may be a problem in the future when we do have to live together. If we are going to live together in the future, we can’t let the problems that arose when we were living together come up again.

My issues are mostly freedom issues, feeling free to do what I want and to do my own thing and not be concerned about what she’s doing, or that I need to spend time with her or that I need to be giving attention to her all the time. That’s something in me that I have to correct. When I don’t want to get together with her, or if I just want to be alone, I have to be able to come out and tell her and not feel guilty about it or that she’s going to hold it against me.

Guilt is my own problem. Her holding it against me is her problem and we are in the time period to prove these things to ourselves. If she’s going to hold it against me, well, I have to push the point. To see if she will and not assume that she will. My opinion at this point is that it’s hit or miss; it depends on the mood in which I catch her. Most of the time she won’t hold it against me, but at certain times, she would. But I can’t be running to her at every moment to prove that I love her. Sometimes if I want to stay put, I should stay put.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

AQUARIUS: There's a whole world of change in store for you, Aquarius! Why does that frighten you so? Yours is the sign that initiates change, but this change seems to affect your self-esteem while building that of your partner. Relax, honey! You have a chance to tap into hidden talents. Get creative and start building something that can lead you to riches. Recycling is the key. Take those old parts and build something -- anything! Do something concrete instead of dreaming about it. If you've received challenges lately, pay attention! Maybe you need to invent something to make housework go a bit easier. Right now you may be recycling images from your childhood. Pay attention and get a hint!

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Everyday should have some value, something special no matter how small. Everyday should have at least one thing worth writing about or mentioning, so that upon re-reading it, what was special about that day will immediately come to mind.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I’m in limbo. During the past year, I sacrificed music for relationship. Stupid move. Over the summer in Bangkok, all I had was my Takamine and it was there that I started feeling more comfortable on guitar and with singing and being less self-conscious about it.

That’s a pretty major difference between who I was and who I am. At this point, I can sing in front of people and be pretty comfortable. Whereas at some point before, I’m not sure when, it could be May it could be last October, certainly last summer, I wasn’t confident about singing in front of other people at all. Last summer in Bangkok, I still did everything I could to make sure people couldn’t hear me outside my hotel room.

I’m at an impasse with songwriting. I can’t believe that I ever did it before and now I can see that what I used to write sucked. Well, not sucked, but certainly was not of quality. Songwriting is fucking hard. You need something to write about, or you need a way with words so that you can make the ordinary sound interesting. I simply do not have a reservoir of words or images or observations. I don’t have words flowing out of me. I don’t know what I want to say.

Josephine and I almost had an argument, but she pulled us out of any tension quite nicely. She’s been doing a superb job on our relationship. I hope that I’m doing all I can to make this relationship worthwhile and satisfying to her. We had tension building up over the past few days. I thought it was because we were seeing too much of each other and becoming ordinary and common to each other. But we do have a love and a commitment that I think we both recognize and that certainly is helping.

She acknowledged her continuing construction. I’m doing that, too. I still need to find myself and my own life without her. I have to be able to do my own thing and not feel guilty that I’m not spending time with her. And that is contingent on her not being bothered by my doing my own thing. She used to get jealous when I did my own thing, or so I perceived, but I don’t think she’s like that now.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I’m out of school with no job prospects. I’m slacking along day to day making no real use of myself. My newest personal philosophy is that I have to appreciate the moment I’m in and what I’m doing in it. Whatever I’m doing is what I’m doing and I ought to be satisfied with its value. I can’t be living my life fretting over what I should be doing, or if I’m wasting my time, or if I could be doing something better. Whatever I’m doing, I am doing because it was my decision and it must have some value.

My relationship with Josephine is feeling more secure, but it’s strange how much things have changed in the past few months. I feel that I’ve re-invented myself and I’m a completely different person than I was several months ago.

I was in the law library and I just closed my eyes and thought about the alternate reality I was in over the summer in Bangkok. I was a completely different person there. The reality of the hotel is so distanced now; the air of Bangkok, the feel of Bangkok. I was not who I think of myself being when I was in Bangkok.

I close my eyes and imagine the space I occupied while in Bangkok: the hotel room, the furniture, the air conditioner problems, the windows, the view, the heat and humidity, all the places I went, all the spaces I filled. My second time there, all of it vivid, but still so far from me, so detached. And it is so easy to forget that at the beginning, when I went to Bangkok, Josephine and I had called it quits. So even though our relationship was on the road to recovery and reconciliation, the word was that we were over and any future relationship had to be earned, and our growing process had to be continuous. Any complacency would be the death again.

The death of our relationship as it was. I guess that was the major change, because our relationship occupied my entire last year and it became who I was. When we killed the relationship, we killed my entire past year, and the summer was the time when I was recovering and readjusting to having an entire year lost. When I finally landed on my feet, I was starting anew, the nearest thing to what I “was” was over a year prior.

The destructiveness of the relationship was so subtle that I feel that I was re-invented without a crisis, but the whole relationship was a crisis of sorts. But it wasn’t a personal crisis, and that’s what’s missing from my life; what I need to break through to something different or new, something that is not predictable and constrained in my old patterns.

Marin Headlands

Look at those adorable sneakers. She was so cute.

We had a lot of problems, but when things were okay, we went out and did a lot of things.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

Dear Josephine: How you feel about last night is exactly right and there is nothing to worry about. I was concentrating on my responsibility, too, and I never had any bad feelings last night. My mind was focused on caring for you because I realize how valuable you are to me and how much I want you in my life. I realize my mistake from before how I would become distant from you when things started to go wrong, and how I should concentrate on being right there for you. That doesn't mean doing anything, since you have to get through your feelings alone, but staying with you in my heart.

Of course the parking thing was nothing, it's interesting how human emotions work though, because things were a little funny after that, and it had nothing to do with parking. I guess the way human emotions work and how they are effected is sometime automatic, no matter what the intention. So the substance may be nothing, but the expression and reaction of something may affect and completely control what feelings come out and saying, "just kidding" doesn't fix it. But I think we handled it pretty well, because even if we didn't act on it, we knew that there was a big "just kidding" in there and we didn't let it become a big thing.

email - San Francisco

Dear Koji: I love you, too. I am very happy when you say that I make you happy. You are very special. You are smart and funny. Nobody can compare to you. I don't mind that I can do nothing only make you happy. Nothing can buy when we laugh together. That is so precious to me.

Did I irritate you when I told you that you park too far from the restaurant tonight? I know that I didn't make you angry because you won't get angry that easily. I was just saying that and didn't mean to be demanding. I like to walk with you. I am happy that you told me I looked scared. I knew that I did not look so natural. I also appreciate that you told me my smile was fake and you said it is OK. I did feel uncomfortable at that time. After I got home, I felt less worried. As I told you, my life has a construction going on now. I have overcome the confidence and security issues in a relationship and then I found out that "worry" is more difficult to me. I found being alone help me work on this issue, and being honest is useful too. Like now, I am talking to you about that parking thing tonight. That "parking thing" is not a big deal at all, I know, but it is good to tell you in order to get rid of any emotional debt. I was just worried that what I said irritated you and I kind of blamed myself, because I won't be so happy if I drive a long way to find parking and people in the car still say it is too far. That is why I looked so uncomfortable and fake. You know, I just can't lie, my face will tell everything. I love being with you and I love you. I am ready to face and solve any challenge that will be given to our relationship.

Honey, I appreciate that you make me feel you are right beside when we are apart and that is a happy thought. Honey, thank you for telling me the truth because it helps me to recognize what I still have to work on. So, just tell me "hey, you know, your smile is so damn fake." And, I will say, " you are damn right, can I be alone for a while, damn it." And we will laugh and then I will be alone and think about it seriously. Honey, I am not changing myself for you, it is just because I realized how nice it is to be myself. It is all mental. Do not forget.

email - 198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

dear Josefina, I love you so much. It feels like I love you more every day, but I thought I loved you so much last year, and now I love you more. So how much did I love you last year? And how much will I love you next year? Even more? It's hard to imagine. I appreciate every day you're in my life. You're beautiful and sexy and funny and cute and sincere and you make my life interesting and fun and funny. Maybe when you find the right person, love has no limits and it just keeps growing and growing.

email - Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Dear yu-feng,
This is my last day here and I haven't done Sompong's exam yet. I've wasted the whole week here.

I visited my brother in Philadelphia on Sunday, but as I was getting into the car, I learned that my parents changed their plans and were also going. That really ruined my trip. Visiting my brother with my parents is completely different from just visiting him myself.

But family is just not worth getting mad or defensive about. With family, everything is set in stone and no one is going to change, so there's never a better way to handle problems. The only alternative to getting mad and defensive is ignoring it.

superficial lives they lead, empty, lifeless. They've spent their entire lives making money money money so that they can enjoy it now in their old age. NOW they're starting to have fun. They travel twice a year, they have their entertainment center at home, sing karaoke, do dancing, and it is just so pathetic. I don't know about the dancing, but the singing and the music is just so empty, no emotion, no heart. What you do your whole life is the center of your life. For them it was making money, and it shows in what they do now, it's all money centered. They have the disposable cash and what they do now for fun is an expression of spending it. Singing is not about singing, dancing is not about dancing, traveling is not about traveling, it's all about spending money that they've worked so hard to earn.

I feel like I was just an obligation, an expectation. They had to raise kids because that's what is expected of them. Do I love my parents? Hell no. I appreciate them and what they've done, I respect what they do and won't criticize them or show disapproval to their faces, but I certainly don't love them and won't cry when they die. I'll go to the funeral because it's an obligation and to pay respects and say thank you. But just because you're grateful, doesn't mean you love them.

All they've given was money. No knowledge, wisdom, or heart. They can't tell me what to do or pressure me. They can talk all they want, they can tell me what I should do, what they want me to do, where I should go, who I should be with, and it has no effect on me.

Series VIII, Roll 11 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X): Walk along the Palisades, Englewood Cliffs

Allison Park, Englewood Cliffs:

Frame 3 - Not to be confused with Allison Park in Englewood, which is adjacent to the Flat Rock Brook Nature center.


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Frame 9 - This fence borders Allison Park. For high school track, when we ran to the George Washington Bridge along the Palisades, we would run past the park and along this fence which led to the path that continues to the bridge.

The path to the bridge:

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Frame 12 - the path goes by a gas station off the Palisades Parkway. People have fallen of the cliffs at this point and died when the restrooms at the gas station would be locked and they'd go looking for a place to go after dark.


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Frame 19 - They developed that area on the Hudson for recreational use. I don't remember what was there before or if that large piece of land was even there. It may be landfill. Growing up in the area, I went down to the boat basin relatively often, and there is a path along the Hudson that leads to where that land is. I remember walking down that path, but I don't remember what was at the end.


Frame 20 - It's strange how after September 11, 2001, any image of the World Trade Center takes on new meaning.


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Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Looking at new stages in life and growing up and older and the meaning of it all. Maturity inevitably comes and world views change. In many ways, Kurt Cobain is to be envied by those of us who don’t subscribe to the inevitable maturation which is synonymous with conformity.

To me, “conformity” is even worse. It means accepting the normative matrix of the material world around me. It is not just learning to go with the flow and entering the cycles of regular human lives, it means throwing away my whole understanding of my place in the world.

It means changing from an observer, which I feel much more comfortable with, to being a participant, becoming insignificant in the bustle of human intercourse. No, I don’t want to live that long, no I don’t want to live a long life, no I don’t want to be a part of these nothing lives that don’t see past the surfaces of things.

It is so easy to get caught up in things and lose sight of what’s important to me. And not getting caught up into an average nothing life is important to me. Vacation is almost up. Bangkok is done, Geneva is done, New Jersey is done, time to work on Sompong’s final exam and finish up my thesis, plenty of research coming up in the next few months.

The only thing I have to look forward to is Josephine and our new relationship. Everything has been just fine since I got back from Bangkok, and better than any time before. It’s easing into a new comfort and confidence, and as distressing as it is to know that living together will be a major problem in the future, it’s nice to have a functional relationship.

Series VIII, Roll 11 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):

New York City Anonymous:


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email

Dear Koji,
So, you finished your mission and came back. Wonderful job! I think you are great. When people asked me about you, I just told them "Oh, he went to Geneva and made a presentation in the U.N." So proud. You also went to see the Rhone and the L'Arve flow together. I can imagine that must be very very cool. Green and blue and brown. You are very cool too because you even thought of going to see how the two rivers meet. I will never get bored if I go travel with you. I think it is also very romantic to see the two rivers meet. These two rivers are so different that people wonder how they run together. But, as it turns out, where they meet is so attractive and beautiful and dramatic. And then, both of them become Lake Geneva. Wow, this can be a starting of a novel.

email - Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Dear josephine

I'm back in the U.S. I did some shopping in the U.N. gift shop on my last day in Geneva and I thought I deserved a special memento of my ten minutes of U.N. spotlight, so I bought myself a Universal Declaration on Human Rights 50th anniversary commemorative Swatch!! I won't wear it, but I'll keep it as a collector's item.

After the U.N. I decided to walk down the Rhone River and explore and it was the best time exploring I had in Geneva. I should have done it my first day there. For me, it's just natural to gravitate towards water, so if there was a river, I'm surprised I didn't explore it. The Rhone is a beautiful fast moving river that drains Lake Geneva, but never succeeds. People swim in the Rhone, so it's clean and I was surprised that I could see past the surface. it was a beautiful blue-green color. Several hundred years ago, people probably took it for granted that they could see all the way to the bottom of the river it was so clear, now it's a surprise to be able to see past the surface.

The Rhone isn't the only river flowing through Geneva, the L'Arve also flows through Geneva and joins the Rhone not very far from Lake Geneva. The L'Arve is very different. It is slow, brown, muddy, and ugly. So I was very curious to see what happens when the two rivers meet. So that's where I went exploring and it was fascinating!!

I was able to get to the piece of land right where the two rivers join. From there, I saw that there was a bridge that looked down right over that point. So I explored some more to find the bridge. Eventually I made it to the bridge, which had train tracks running on it, but also had a walkway for pedestrians.

It was really neat looking down and seeing the two rivers interact. The Rhone is the dominant river with its clear blue water. It overpowers the slow, muddy brown water of the L’Arve, but right where they meet it was really beautiful. The fast blue water of the Rhone would flow into and mix with the brown water of the L'Arve and there would be these feathery swirls and whirlpools of brown and blue water. I would never have been able to imagine such a beautiful sight.

An annoying thing happened to me while I was in Geneva. I felt myself lapsing back into the old personality. I guess it was being in a foreign country and a foreign language and my overpowering impulse to be polite and not come across as a typical rude American. But my personality overdoes it, and I get so polite that I become dysfunctional and paranoid and worried about every little detail of what everyone MIGHT be thinking about me. The way I want to be is not afraid to make mistakes, not afraid to take risks and look like an idiot, and not care what people think.

So, on my last night here I was in line at the McDonald's, and I had already caught on that people don't order meals by asking for a "number one". I did that once and the person had to look at the menu to see what that was. So I was standing in line and I heard the person behind me say MAcSalsa, and I noticed the long MAc, rather than the short "Mic" that Americans say. And instead of Big Mac meal, the menu said "Big Mac menu", and I remembered how Thais say "menu" differently and thought about how the French would say it. So when I got to the counter I very confidently said "Beeg MAc Menyuuu", and it worked!! She says, "Beeg MAc Menyuuuu" back to me and then says something in French that stuns me in my shoes. So I just go "oui", and that worked, too!!!

email

Dear Koji: Hi, there. Are you back? Welcome back. I miss you. How are you? I just got back from the airport. Pyui and Pyai went back to Thailand already. They will start to work next Monday. They left some pictures for you. Airport, airport. Happy time and sad time all happen in the airport. Seeing them going back, I feel that eventually we all have to go back to someplace that really belong to us. Philip will be the next one who is gonna leave here. Then who is the next? Everyone should have the courage to come and go, otherwise, life will be too difficult. I hope by the time I am leaving, I will be happy and just go. I am happy about where I am and where I have to go. It is all mental. Oh, last night, I was talking on the phone with K, and he said that he felt that I have changed. He said I am happier. I am not sure what he meant, but it is nice to know that people think you are happier than before. So, you are home now. No problem coming back? What are you gonna do in New Jersey? Honey, be good.

email - Geneva, Switzerland

Dear Feng,
Four days in Geneva are way too much. It is a city I would never want to live in. it's way too boring. every new section I find, there's nothing interesting. today is my last day and I think I'll spend most of it here at the UN and listen to what is going on. This morning was interesting. Representatives from Eritrea and Ethiopia were yelling at each other about the war going on between them this summer. The situation is tragic, but I was distracted by the ear thingie. I kept on switching to the other languages to see how the translators were keeping up with their yelling. They seemed to be doing well, even the Mandarin translator, but maybe they were leaving a lot out. Every seat in the room has those ear thingies. I was trying to steal one for you, but it's permanently connected.

For today I'm just going to sit in on more sessions and go to another lunchtime meeting. I'm not sure what I'll do after the UN, I hope I'm not bored to death this evening. I think I'll take a long walk down the river that drains Lake Geneva, River Rhone. It looks pretty nice, so if I have film left in my camera I'll finish it. Tomorrow I'll wake up and go to the airport since my flight is in the morning.

ok, if I don't e-mail you later, I will from New Jersey.

Series VIII, Roll 10 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):
United Nations:


Frame 24 - Just a hallway. I was just wandering around the U.N. building. I don't think there was anything special about this shot, I just wanted one from inside the building.


Frame 25 - Exterior shot. Again, I don't think there was anything special. I liked the lines. I didn't even note where this was around the U.N.


Frame 26 - Another exterior.


Frame 27 - No idea what this was or where it was. I wish I had some description for it.


Frame 28 - Inside the Sub-Commission hearing room. Obviously not in session. Obviously after wandering around and outside, I found my way back in and up on this balcony, but I didn't take note how I found it or got there.

Geneva Photostroll: I left the U.N. because I had nothing more to do there and didn't know anyone. I had the rest of the afternoon and evening and went for a long walk.


Frame 30 - I think this is the River L'Arve. I vaguely remember this hill I climbed to get this shot. That fountain in the background is in Lake Geneva and is in other shots I took around the lake.


Frame 31 - I think this is the River Rhone from all the greenery.


Frame 32 - This is where the L'Arve and the River Rhone met. I didn't get the swirls created by the confluence of the blue and brown waters. It was a remarkable sight, better captured in color, although you can sort of see the difference in tone. The clear, blue, fast-moving River Rhone is on the right in this shot, the slow, muddy, brown L'Arve is on the left. The negative is flipped, so in reality it's the opposite. I was way up high on a railroad bridge that I found my way up to, and you can see the shadows of the arches on the water.


Frame 35 - 'Nuther shot of the Rhone.

email - Geneva, Switzerland

dear josephine,
so intervention finished, I need something to do for today and tomorrow. I think I'm done observing for today; too boring. Yesterday I went to a cemetery but that wasn't too exciting. Tomorrow I'll come to the UN again although I've met everyone I'm likely to meet and I've handed out everything I have to hand out except one more copy of my paper, which I'd better keep as my personal copy. I had like five or six copies of my intervention left and I left them on a table and when I came back, they were all gone. So that was great! Unless security came and threw them out. Maybe the representative from Myanmar threw them out!!! That would be so cool. But he wasn't there when I made the intervention, so he wouldn't have known anything about it. Not that he knows anything about anything. Jerk.

So I'm off, think I'll head out and go for a run. much much love.

email - Geneva, Switzerland

hez josephine,
I couldn't get a computer at the internet café last night, so I’m writing from the UN now. yesterday I woke up early to make sure I get to the UN on time. good boy that I am. responsible boy that I am. I dress casual. I get to the UN and it takes a little bit of effort to get my id badge, but I get it. ID badge, it's the kind that once you get it, you can go just about anywhere, that's the kind of badge that I like.

I find my way to the sub commission session room and I explore and eventually find a list of speakers. after someone arrives at the desk nearby, I ask how I can get on the list. he tells me all I have to do is tell him and he asks which agenda item. I tell him 7a. and he says, oh you have to do it today because it is closing today. no problem! he tells me I have to make 5 copies of the intervention for translation and for the next half hour I’m running around finding paper, finding a copier, making copies, and stapling them. I made 15 extra copies just in case. so then eventually I found out I have to sit at one of the tables with the microphones, so I finally find an empty place for ngo’s. so I sit there and listen for a long time. I get up a few times to stretch or go to the bathroom, and it happens that at the time I'm up seeing if I can find out when I have to speak, HRA is called and I don't answer because I’m not sitting at the table with that thing on my ear. no problem! I panic and run back to the person I talked to earlier and he tells me to go tell the secretary that I’m here. so fyi, I actually spoke to the secretary of the sub commission, "hey you, I’m from HRA and I’m here". he tells me to sit down and they go through the list again at the end for organizations that missed their first call. so I sit for a longer period of time. finally I’m called, the last one, and I make the intervention no problem. it was like being underwater for ten minutes. actually I don't know how long I spoke because since I was the last one and they were ahead of schedule (I guess), they didn't run the clock. which disturbed me at the time since I would look up to see how much time I had left and the clock wouldn't be going.

so I finish my intervention and turn around and there is this mob of people behind me and I go, "good lord". I quickly realize that they all want copies of my intervention. so I pull out the extra copies of my intervention and they're like vultures and all of them are gone in 20 seconds. agenda item 7 closed and the rest of my time here is cake. I’m still wondering what to do tomorrow. ok, I gotta go, there's a lunchtime meeting I want to attend. I’ll write more later. luv u, much,

Cemetery - Geneva, Switzerland

Series VIII, Roll 10 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X):


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email - Geneva, Switzerland

I got to Geneva no problem, it's a pretty boring city. How is Anita? She returned right? Let her know that her cousin will be put on trial soon in Burma, but it's all for show to treat the matter seriously and scare other people from trying to do the same thing. She will be released, I don't know when, but she won't be harmed. the Burmese military government is pretty stupid, but not stupid enough to harm U.S. citizens. I'll mention it to whoever I can meet at the U.N..

I haven't been to a U.N. session yet. I got to Geneva yesterday, changed money, wandered around the airport to get used to the atmosphere, and then grabbed a taxi to my hotel which wasn't far away but cost about $15!! My room is tiny but it's clean. But for $50 a night? Wow! After I checked in, I went out and walked down to the Rhone River which drains Lake Geneva. If I stayed at the hotel, I would have fallen asleep. It was dream-like. the sun set around 20:00 and I got back well after dark.

I went for a jog this morning and the U.N. is less than a mile away. I'll still take the bus there tomorrow to keep from getting tired. It already feels like I've been here a long time, or time is going by really slow. I took a boat ride out onto Lake Geneva which was relaxing and perfect because my energy was low and I wouldn't have any other time to do it. It would be nice if you were here. The weather is really, really nice. Europe in the summer, I guess. But their winters probably suck.

So that's all I've been doing, walking around. There are no interesting pictures to take and time is going by really slow. It's all dream-like, like I said.

U.N. stuff starts tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I won't make the intervention tomorrow. I think I have to hand in the written copy a day in advance, so I'm looking at Tuesday (so I'll only wear a suit on Tuesday). Otherwise I'll just be observing and trying to talk to people but I have no idea what to expect. Who knows? I might start my oral intervention and they'll stop me and say, "yea, yea, we know all about that...NEXT!!" I would probably crumple the pages into balls to throw at them.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. I'm thinking of you all the time and there are moments that my breath just stops when I think of how cute you are and the cute things you do. much much love,

Geneva, Switzerland:

Series VIII, Roll 10 (Pentax ZX-5n, Tri-X): Street shooting. Pretty dead streets in Geneva. I think this is right after I arrived. After checking in, I immediately hit the streets with my camera so that I didn't fall asleep.


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email

going to Geneva! I am so proud of you. You are so brave going there by yourself. I think you are really cool. School will begin next week, and everything has to go back to normal, get up early and study. I am thinking of things to do aside from school. I will practice guitar every day. You gave me a good start playing guitar. Thank you very much. I also will go on taking pictures. I also want to explore some other places around San Francisco. I hope you can find a job and stay in San Francisco. I know this is not an easy thing. I just hope. If you end up some place else, I will be happy for your decision too. You are so brave that I decide to be as strong as you are. It is OK to live apart, if we can live apart but together, then it means that there is something good between us. It means that we both are mature and responsible for ourselves. I am willing to see how strong our bond is. Living apart or getting through the stressful time is the best way to see it. Have a safe and wonderful journey. fly safely and enjoy. I will be watching you just like you have been always watching me. I love you. yu-feng

email

Dear Josephine, you are the light of my life. your smile, your laugh. you are so funny. you make my days shine! I love you. never forget this.

Dear Koji: I feel that things are different than before. I feel much more relaxed when I am with you now. I can see how good our relationship will be by just being myself. See, the world is so big that we have to explore by ourselves. Sometimes, we have to go far away physically or mentally but we will always have each other to come back. We are each other's kite. "Go farther." (never forget this too.) I love you, Josephine ka

Series VIII, Roll 9 (Pentax ZX-5n, T-Max 100):

Taipei, Taiwan: I don't remember if Josephine and I flew to Taipei on the 3rd or the 4th. I don't remember leaving Kaohsiung or flying to Taipei. I don't remember if we flew to Taipei. But on the 4th, we were in Taipei. I bought cheap glasses frames. We may have gone places that I might have recognized years later when I was in Taipei in March 2005. That night, she took me to the airport to fly back to Bangkok to catch my flight back to the U.S.


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Bangkok, Thailand: All I remember about the one last night in Bangkok is from photos. I went to a bar that had live music. I don't remember where I stayed or if I stayed in the YMCA (I must have), or how I got from and to the airport, maybe bus.


Frame 32 - I did talk to this singer to tell them they were really good, but that's all I remember.