Supplemental - Taipei, Taiwan

Yai and Yui picked me up at the hotel this morning and took me to the airport. Neng was there, Jiu, and Ja, I think. Kuk couldn't make it but she called. We had some food at the airport and then I went through the gate that I had already seen so many of the summer participants go through, then it was me and I was gone, too.


Series VI, Roll 8, Frame 35 (Pentax K2, Ilford XP2)

Josephine met me at the airport in Taipei. She came running to greet me once I cleared the Customs doors. She looked so happy to see me and it felt so much like home to see her. Everything was going to be just fine. I love Josephine. She loves me. The weather was gorgeous! Taipei, near the peak of summer was wonderful after Bangkok's heat. It was late in the afternoon. We drove 30 or 40 minutes into Taipei and she took me to the Taipei YMCA where she had reserved a room for me. The room was dinky compared to the Y in Bangkok. But to be with Josephine again. Alone. I didn't care about anything else.

Bangkok, Thailand

My last full day in Bangkok. I had a few things to do and went about it, trying to appreciate the surroundings that would soon fade into memory. I took in the atmosphere, the people, the activity; Bangkok. Bangkok, capital city of Thailand. Industrial city, developing, construction everywhere, choked in traffic.

I set out in the morning and looked for and found the office of the NGO that publishes a newsletter called "Burma Issues". My travels made me change the topic of my paper for Professor Sompong's class. Instead of writing about the Southeast Asian Nuclear Weapon Free Zone, I decided to write about Burma and its membership into ASEAN.

I had some copies of Burma Issues from Madoka, and I saw that the address was in the neighborhood of the YMCA. So on such short notice, I had to scrounge for whatever resources I could get my hands onto regarding Burma and ASEAN. There were English speaking people at the Burma Issues office, and they gave me copies of the monthly newsletter going back to 1995. I walked out with quite a pile.

It was an overcast day, looked like rain. I went to pick up laundry that I had dropped off yesterday after Madoka left. I was going to meet Yai and Yui later that day for dinner. We were going to meet at the Chulalongkorn library, but there was a bit of a mix up as to which library. We eventually met up, they all conveniently carrying cell phones. They took me to the same restaurant that Kuk had taken me, Rey, and Philip the day after I arrived in Bangkok! I didn't recognize it at first because we came in a different entrance. I thought back to that first time, when Bangkok was new and unfamiliar, and these people I’ve grown to know were complete strangers.

I showed Yai and Yui the photographs of the camps. They took me back to the hotel and I went to Silom for the last time to wander about the night market. Until then I had pretty adamantly refused to patronize the night market because it also hosted and fed a rather seedy red light district, but I figured what the hell. No one else was around, I had nothing to do, and it made no difference if I went or not.

Bangkok, Thailand

The train ride took about eleven hours, then we were back in Bangkok at the same train station from which Josephine and I went to Ayuthaya. I think it was just past six in the morning when we stumbled off the train and found a phone. Madoka called the Kawasaki's who were staying at a hotel in Chinatown, the Burapa. I think we woke them up, but they told us to hop a cab over nonetheless.

We got to the Burapa Hotel and made our way up to their room. It looked like they had moved in; their stuff cluttered the room and I couldn't even figure out where to sit. I settled for a spot on the floor. The Burmese doctor that Madoka and I had met at the Burmese Lawyers Council was there, apparently staying with them. While Madoka and I were up at the ABSDF camp, the Kawasaki's were visiting another refugee camp further south. The clutter in their room was merchandise they had bought cheap in Thailand and were going to sell in Japan for a whopping profit, much of it returning to Thailand in the form of aid to the refugees.

We spent the morning hanging out in the hotel room, waiting for some other contacts that the Kawasaki's had. I forget who they were exactly, one of them was attending the same environmental conference that Madoka had to return to Bangkok for. We spent the time discussing our respective adventures and experiences. We also went to get Madoka's film developed, and after we got the pictures back we headed out to a Buddhist temple that the Kawasaki's worshiped at whenever they came to Thailand, and then we went for brunch back near the train station.


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This was the last day that Madoka and I would be together. She was going that day to the hotel near the airport where she was supposed to translate for two Japanese lawyers who were attending the environmental conference. I wouldn't get a chance to see her again before I left. After brunch, I bid farewell to the Kawasaki's, and Madoka and I and the person who was also attending the conference went back to the YMCA.

I had a travel guitar that I had bought for the trip to Thailand, but after visiting the refugee camp and experiencing how important music was to them, I decided to send it up to them via the Kawasaki's since they were headed up in that direction. I got housekeeping to open Brenda's room where I had left the guitar and gave it to Madoka to give to the Kawasaki's. I walked them to the main road to catch a cab. We bid our farewells and that was that. I was alone in Bangkok.

I walked back to the hotel and got a new room at the same discount rate, and I stopped. It was over. I finally had privacy. If it wasn't Josephine, it was everyone else. All summer. Then traveling with Madoka for a week. I could finally stop.

Supplemental - En route to Bangkok, Thailand

Today was ours. No meetings, nothing of a work nature. We met up with some friends of Madoka and hung with them all day, one of whom had a car. We went to the Chiang Mai University area and had some food and dessert. Talked for several hours. We also went to a craft shop that I had found in the guidebook and bought some more there. Then we went to one final riverside restaurant for dinner before Madoka and I had to catch the all-night train back to Bangkok.


Series VI, Roll 8, Frame 23 (Pentax K2, Ilford XP2)

Chiang Mai, Thailand

We arrived at Chiang Mai early in the morning, before daybreak. We were so tired that we just grabbed any tuk-tuk and let him take us to any guesthouse that he had a contract with. It wasn't bad, I think we got lucky. We got to our room and got a bit of a second wind. Madoka took a shower while I went in search of a 7-11 for donuts and water. Then I took a shower and Madoka was asleep before I was finished. The journey was over.

We woke up before noon, somewhat refreshed. We still had to make Madoka's meeting. I decided to go with her. The prominent feature of Chiang Mai is a square moat encircling the older part of the city. The circumference of the moat is maybe three miles, everything within being within walking distance of everything else. Chiang Mai outside of the moat sprawls out. Chiang Mai is the second largest city in Thailand, but is nevertheless dwarfed by Bangkok.

The guesthouse was a short walk from the moat, and we caught a tuk-tuk to Madoka's meeting. I just tagged along and didn't pay much attention to Madoka's business. I think by then we were just being cordial to each other and tolerating each others' presence. We were just pretty drained.

After the meeting, Madoka wanted to visit the office of an NGO she had visited on her prior visit to Thailand. It was on the other side of Chiang Mai, but we decided to walk. It wasn't terribly far, I wasn't paying attention to time. Again I was just tagging along. Eventually, I decided to head back to the guesthouse alone and let her hang out with her friends. I walked all the way back to the guesthouse on the other side of the city. Again, not terribly far. I didn't take any photographs; I don't know why.

After Madoka got back to the guesthouse, we decided to go for dinner and do some shopping at the night market. It wasn't raining and it was cool, and it was pleasant to finally be able to relax with Madoka. We went to a vegetarian restaurant. The ambience was nice and relaxing, so different from the camps. I reflected on how a day ago we were in a refugee camp in the middle of the jungle with people scraping a living, exiled from their homes. I suppose what makes Madoka special is that we can share such disparate experiences.

After dinner we went shopping and I bought a bunch of gifts stuff. We retired relatively early that night.

Supplemental - en route to Chiang Mai, Thailand

Color archive, Summer 1997, Roll 2, Frame 36 - She was a human rights worker from Australia who was staying at the camp for several months.

It rained all night and it was raining when we woke up. Occasionally the sun would break through, but not for long. We had serious concerns about our return to Mae Sariang, but the Burmese assured us that one way or another we would get back.


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The problem was that during the rainy season, the river fills and the truck can't get through. All we could do was wait to see if the truck made it through. They had radio contact with the ABSDF office in Mae Sariang and they said the truck would definitely try to get through. Of course, Madoka and I were paying for the driver and his truck, which meant that our visit was two free supply runs to the camp. Supply runs can never be taken for granted, so it was important for them, too, that the truck get through.

We sat on a choice for a while, whether to stay at camp and wait for the truck, not being absolutely sure that it would make it through, or walk for three hours to a small "town" where the truck could pick us up because it wouldn't have to cross the river. It didn't take us too long to decide to start walking. We had to get to Chiang Mai by morning because Madoka had to meet some people. We started walking to give ourselves some assurance that we would get to Mae Sariang that day.

Once again, that walk was indescribable. It was three hours, but time was simply not a concern. The river was waist-high for me at times (higher for Madoka), and the current was dangerously strong at several points. I lost count how many times we crossed the river. It was just crossing after crossing, sometimes harder, sometimes easier, sometimes feeling it would never end. All the while we were trying to keep our cameras from getting wet. Finally after about three hours, at just about the last time we had to cross the river, the truck finally came into view on its way to the camp.

We were just glad to see them and to see that they were going to make it through. The truck had a modified exhaust system that would allow it to go through higher water. The Burmese who were guiding us got on the truck to go back to camp, and two people who came on the truck continued with Madoka and me to the small town where we were going to wait for the truck on its return after dropping off the supplies. Where we met the truck was the only point during the journey that I managed to get my camera out and take a single shot of the river. It was impossible to have taken pictures during the journey.


Series VI, Roll 8, Frame 19

It was at someone's home that we waited. It was getting dark, Madoka and I just stopped and rested. It took a couple of hours for the truck to return, by which time it was just about dark. This time, both Madoka and I were able to sit up front. The drive out was quite a different experience due to the rain that had fallen since our arrival. The mountain roads were treacherous and mud was piled along the side of the road the way snow is in Winter.

Our journey was delayed by a cattle truck that had gotten stuck in the mud. At first it was completely blocking the road. Our driver tried to help them out, but it was in vain. Numerous attempts were made to get it moving, including letting the cattle off of the truck. After over an hour, the cattle truck had almost fallen off the road and down into a valley, but it was out of our way. We had to go. I didn't notice if we gave the truck driver a ride. We might have.

We arrived in Mae Sariang close to 11:30 at night. There was a bus leaving for Chiang Mai at midnight. We unloaded the Burmese students at the ABSDF office, grabbed our bags, said goodbye to them and the driver drove us to the bus station, just in time to catch the crowded bus. We didn't care if it was crowded, we took what seats we could. I smelled so bad that I could barely stand it and felt sorry for the person sitting next to me. After the first stop, I managed to change my shirt and slept the rest of the way to Chiang Mai.

Supplemental - ABSDF refugee camp headquarters, Thailand

Most of the living huts have fire-pits that get lit every night for warmth and light. The guesthouse didn't really have a fire-pit, so they had to build a fire right on the floor and it smoldered through the night. The smoke also helps keep the mosquitoes away. After waking up, the students fed us and Madoka had arranged for us to be taken to another larger refugee camp.


Color archive, Summer 1997, Roll 2, Frame 37 (July 24, 1997)

The camp was about thirty minutes away on foot. Thirty minutes should have taken us pretty close to the river that marks the border between Burma and Thailand, but we didn't see it. The camp was certainly larger, holding about three thousand people, as opposed to eighty at the ABSDF camp. The structures were also larger and more worn down, and there were a lot more children and teenagers. The ABSDF camp was a refugee camp, but it was also a political headquarter for a movement comprised of ethnic Burman. This camp was a refugee camp of Karen who left Burma to escape persecution by the Burmese military.

Our contact at the camp was a woman who appeared to be in her fifties, but was probably in her forties, and spoke English pretty well. We went to her home where she fed us and where she gave us an interview that Madoka videotaped. The interview was about her experiences and how she got to camp and what she did prior. She also translated the stories of several other people including her sister who had recently arrived from Burma.

After the interviews, during which a Thai soldier, who was apparently sympathetic and friendly, dropped in, the woman took us around the camp. We visited the school, the chapel, and the hospital. The camp was composed of Christian Karen, thus the chapel. The last thing the woman told us before we left was to not forget about them.


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Madoka and I walked back to the ABSDF camp with our guides. We were tired and dirty. I tried bathing in the river with the students and made the most of it. It had started raining the night before and it rained intermittently through the day, and apparently the increase of water flow makes the river muddy. I only had one shirt which was getting pretty ripe, but it felt good to feel water and run soap over myself.


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They fed us and the students came over again at night to play music. Madoka and I both recorded the session and were glad to have remembered to do so, even though the second night wasn't quite as good as the first. They were all so good and they played together so well that it was uncanny, but I guess after nine years in the jungle with no other entertainment, they're going to get good and be able to play together really well. Five guitars would be playing at once and it still worked. One person would plunk out a bass line while one would riff out a lead part and they would just jam.

There was one refugee named Moren who had a great voice and was into music more than the others. The others were really good, but they weren't as focused on it as he was. I think that if they were all back in Rangoon, the others may or may not be doing music - at most it would be just a diversion or a hobby. Moren, I think would be doing music seriously.

Supplemental - ABSDF refugee camp headquarters, Thailand

Madoka and I checked out early in the morning following breakfast. The Japanese traveler was still there. We weren't sure if he'd be there because he thought he might leave before sunrise, but he ran into a money problem - he was running low and couldn't get any from the bank because of the holiday. We chatted a while longer, but we were cut off when some Burmese students on motorcycles arrived to take us to the ABSDF office.

This is what we were there for. It was overcast and dreary. Once we got to the office, we talked with some of the students there to show our interest and familiarize ourselves with some of the issues. After a couple hours, the truck that was to take us to the refugee camp arrived, and they started loading the truck up with supplies. They covered the supplies with tarp, and I rode on top with a bunch of students heading back to the camp. Madoka was able to ride up front in the pick-up's cabin.

Series VI, Roll 8 (Pentax K2, Ilford XP2):

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The experience of driving the four hours to camp was . . . indescribable. Driving out of Mae Sariang was beautiful, even on an overcast day at the beginning of the rainy season. The tropical greens were lush and the scenery was nevertheless interesting; life in the Thai countryside, so different than Bangkok; borderland areas which could have been something else other than Thai, had history's line-drawing in this region taken a different course.

Once we hit the first official Thai checkpoint, we were on mountain roads and that is what was indescribable. Six or seven of us clinging onto the ropes that were holding down the supplies, clinging on for dear life trying not to get thrown off into the mud. This went on for three hours, up and down mountains. At one point my hat got knocked off by a low-hanging branch and one of the Burmese banged on the cabin to signal the driver to stop. He ran off to retrieve my hat, even though it would have been fine with me if we had continued on. It was the Beans hat I got from Amina. The trek was an experience that I could not impart through words.

We were fortunate because even though the rainy season had started, it hadn't rained much and the creek that we had to cross maybe 15 times was still shallow and the truck had no trouble getting through. When we got close to the camp after hours of rattled bones and dusty mountain roads, we got off and walked the rest of the way. The Burmese were well familiar with the area, having made the trip enough times. The walk to the camp wasn't far. We crossed a very impressive footbridge that they had constructed out of bamboo, and walked up a small hill to where the camp was.


Frame 14 (July 23, 1997) - I shot this later, but this is the bridge.

The camp was situated squarely within jungle. Again, not something I can describe in words. I have photographs for that, but even photographs couldn't describe the feeling in being in a place where they shouldn't have been in at all, but were there because of the political turmoil in their country and their ongoing struggle against the military government.

There was a sense of community and purpose there. The refugees were eager to speak with us about Burma and their struggle. I think they felt that every visitor is a line thrown out to the outside world informing it about what is going on. This was a headquarters camp of the ABSDF, so many of the refugees had been students and most of them fled Burma after their participation in the democracy demonstrations that culminated in the military crackdown on August 8, 1988. Hundreds or thousands of students were massacred in a precursor to what would happen in Beijing less than a year later. Burma, being economically insignificant to the U.S., didn't get the media coverage that Beijing did. These students at the headquarters camp were young, intelligent, and knew the value of informing all outsiders of what was happening.

Soon after we got there, we got a tour and went around meeting families and seeing what facilities they've eked out of the jungle. They fed us and there was a "guest hut" with six bamboo platforms in which Madoka and I stayed. Madoka had some business of her own to take care of, sort of a fact-finding mission for her friends, the Kawasaki's, who are deeply involved in the refugee crisis and contribute and influence what goes on. So there were times where I had nothing to do but pace back and forth. It was a miserable situation to be forced into, and many students attested to the hardships they endured when they first left Burma.


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Frame 9 - my records say the rest of these shots were taken on July 23, but I think they were all from July 22, including the one of the bridge. The person in Frame 8 is the same as this person.


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Nine years they've been in the jungle, fighting and sending propaganda about the military government. One day you're a student taking classes, but then a movement starts and you believe in what is being promulgated, so you join the crowds. You support democracy and the feeling is good. You are on the side of righteousness and there is optimism in the prospects of change. Then the military shows up and they shoot at you and you run, and you run and run. You leave the city, your school, your classes, your family. Maybe you travel alone, maybe in a group. You just know you can't go back. The next few weeks you run and hide until you reach the border. Maybe you've heard of where you need to go to get out of the country, maybe there is a network to help you and point the way. You cross the border, you leave your country, your home, you have nothing. The reality sets in. A week ago you were just a student. Where do you go in another country?

After dark, there is little to do in the jungle. Some people have flashlights, but for longer periods of time, people use candles. For entertainment, there are a bunch of guitars floating around. Over the years, they learned songs and played together and picked out parts. That night, a bunch of the refugees came to the guest hut and played for hours, well into the timeless night. They knew some folk songs from the '60's and '70's. Most of the songs were Burmese folk songs, and there were some foreign songs that were translated into Burmese.

It was so very alive. Madoka appreciated it and thought it was wonderful, but...I don't know. There was a tension between us for some reason. It never got out of hand, but it also very rarely went completely away. Part of me wonders if Josephine had anything to do with it, but I have no evidence to support that. There were times that I felt a tiny bit critical of Madoka because she would so single-mindedly concentrate on the work; the plight of the refugees, and finding ways to solve problems. I felt that most during the guitar playing because I felt that she couldn't just relax and enjoy the moment, being surrounded by good people, playing really good music, being really into it, because music isn't helping the Cause.

We had to sleep under mosquito nets. The mosquitoes in the jungle are malarial and extremely aggressive. To me, it would have been unbearable. They made existence miserable and they were the leading factor which made me think ahead to our departure.


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Color archive, Summer 1997, Roll 2

Mae Sariang, Thailand

Madoka had to go back to her friend's house this morning to give her a gift that she forgot to bring yesterday. I didn't go with her. We parted ways after breakfast and I wandered about Mae Hong Song taking photographs. Tiny city, two hours was more than enough to cover anything interesting. I just wandered along anything that looked like a major road. I went part way up a mountain to a temple and around a small lake I found.

Series VI, Roll 7 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5): Mae Hong Song

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Frame 27 - the small lake

Frames 28, 29 - the temple up on the hillside:




We met up at the guesthouse and headed over to the bus station to catch the bus to Mae Sariang. Mae Sariang is even smaller and more deserted than Mae Hong Song. Less interesting. But we weren’t there to see the town. It was the site of the ABSDF (All Burma Student Democratic Front) office, and our take off point for the camp.


Frame 30 - Madoka got back to the guesthouse before I did. I snapped this as I walked up.

Once we got there, we had to find a place to stay. I saw a guesthouse in the guidebook that looked decent, but the proprietor of another guesthouse met us when we got off the bus, and en route to the guesthouse that I had chosen, Madoka decided that the person was really nice and we decided to go to his guesthouse.

We found the guesthouse, and I rested while Madoka went out to find a phone. I appreciated the time alone. It was late in the afternoon and it was overcast. Madoka wasn’t gone for long and after she returned, we set out together to buy some stuff to bring to the refugee camp. We retraced our steps back into town along a dirt road and a bridge that crossed over a river into town. There were some shops open. Madoka had to make another phone call, and then we found that the market was closed for holiday. We managed to buy some fruit, vegetables, and milk to bring to the camp.

Around the guesthouse:


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Frame 32, 35 - These were chess tables on the guesthouse property. I'm sure they get used during the tourist season.





Frame 33 - The area around the guesthouse didn't look like much, but the rainy season had started.


Frame 34 - This river ran by the guesthouse. I think I was shooting while Madoka was out.

The evening was...serene. We had dinner at the guesthouse. It not being peak tourist season, there was no one else there aside from the proprietor and a lone Japanese traveler. Dinner evolved into a conversation between the four of us and we spoke on various topics. The traveler knew some English, as did the proprietor who said he picked it up from tourists. We talked for several hours. It was an interesting little conversation on an interesting little evening in an interesting little guesthouse.

The guesthouse was on the outskirts of town and there was no one else around. The proprietor did the cooking himself. He had a scrapbook filled with postcards from people who had stayed at his guesthouse and wrote him after returning home. Finally, the proprietor decided to call it a night and went home to his family. The three of us talked a little longer and then Madoka and I retired as well. Serene evening.

Mae Hong Song, Thailand

Upon our arrival at Mae Hong Song, our first course of action was to find a place to stay. We decided on a place Madoka knew of from before and we took a tuk-tuk there, even though it looked close enough to walk and easy enough to find from the map in the guidebook we had.


Series VI, Roll 7, Frame 19 (Pentax K2, Ilford HP5) - Soon after our arrival in Mae Hong Song. There was some kind of parade going down the street, maybe for the holiday that had all the shops closed the next day. I don't think we found out.

We didn't stay there long before we headed off to meet a friend of Madoka's, someone she had met last year, the head of the Burmese Women's Union. Her place was a bit out of town and we spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening there and had dinner. It was dark by the time we managed to procure transportation, two motorcycles, back to the guesthouse.


Series VI, Roll 7, Frame 20

Madoka and I have been a little more comfortable with each other, but we don't have the same kind of directed communication we usually have. Perhaps it's because we're here for a purpose, and so she's focused on that. After we got back to the guesthouse, we had a little quality time to ourselves and we went looking for something to eat. It had rained and it was pleasant. We found a small restaurant still open. There was almost no one else around, quite different from the swarm of humanity in Bangkok.

Supplemental - en route to Mae Hong Song

Madoka and I began our travels to the northern part of Thailand. She doesn't know exactly which refugee camp we're going to visit or who is there, she just knows the connections and that it has been arranged.

So today I did some last minute things in Bangkok, walked over to Silom but found everything closed because it is a holiday, and was ready to check out of the YMCA by 2 o'clock. Madoka was supposed to come at about 3 o'clock, but as usual she came early and I was watching TV when she called from the lobby.

My luggage was already in Brenda's room and I took one last look at room 1428, left some cookies for housekeeping and I left. I checked out, paid my bills, gave the front desk people chocolate, and I headed out with Madoka. I had a backpack, my camera, and some water. Madoka had a backpack, her video camera, and her camera. I had maybe 3 or 4 changes of clothes.

We walked over to Silom where she wanted to take a peek into a bookstore, and from there we caught a bus to go to the Bangkok bus station to catch the bus to Mae Hong Song. It was a bit of a way out from Silom and it started to drizzle on the way, the rainy season having started.

We got to the bus station only to find out that there was a new bus station and the bus for Mae Hong Song was at the new station. The new bus station would have been within walking distance, but a downpour began, making it miserable for travelers. We found out which buses would go to the new bus station, and we waited a while for the rain to subside because there were so many people that if we tried to catch any of the buses we were trying to catch, we would have gotten soaked anyway.

When it didn't stop, we just had to suck up and get wet. We ran to one of the buses when it came, and we got wet as expected. It being rush-hour, the short trip took a while. Still, we made it in plenty of time, especially considering that we ended up sitting on the bus for over an hour waiting for it to leave.

The bus trip to Mae Hong Song was already slated to be a 16 hour marathon ride. Things could only get worse. The bus wasn't much better than some of the ordinary buses in Bangkok; it certainly was not one of the luxury coaches that run between Bangkok and Chiang Mai. For starters, the bus left over an hour late. Then as it turned out, bookings to Mae Hong Song are a rather lax affair, and there were so many people booked on the bus that metal folding chairs were set up in the aisles with no regard to safety or comfort. It was incredible, I'd never seen the likes of it before.

The ride was long but modestly comfortable, especially since we were not stuck in the aisle in a folding chair. There was one stop for food at some station, and one stop when the bus broke down for about an hour. We reached Mae Sariang at the time we were supposed to reach Mae Hong Song, and that was when the bus gave out for good and we had to wait for a bus from Mae Hong Song to take us the rest of the way.

We finally arrived at Mae Hong Song four hours late. Not as bad as it could have been. Things have been a little better between Madoka and me, but not by much. Getting out of Bangkok has helped, but we're probably stressed from our travels. If that's the case, I don't know how or when things will settle down to the point that we're really comfortable.

Bangkok, Thailand

After getting to sleep at 3 a.m., I woke up at 7 to see Philip and Barbara off to the airport. Caroline had already left at about 5. After they left, I went to meet Madoka at 9 at the Robinson's Department store on Sukhumvit. We met at the McDonald's and we proceeded to the Burmese Lawyers Council office. They are lawyers advocating awareness of the political and military repression in Burma.

We stayed there most of the day and left because Madoka had to change money and she wanted to see some bookstores. She came with me back to the hotel because I had to pick up laundry, and then we went to Silom to look for videotape for her camera and to have dinner. We're leaving tomorrow to start our travels to northern Thailand and to the refugee camps. We'll be traveling for about a week and then we'll be back in Bangkok on the 27th. I'll have two days before leaving for Taipei to see Josephine again.

The summer program is over, but I was still having trouble adjusting into Madoka mode and I think I was a little distant. It was a delight to see her. She's just as fun and inspiring to be with and her friends, as usual, are really cool, but with Philip and Barbara's departure so fresh, it was still too close to the program and I resisted the idea of Madoka coming over to the hotel. Reality mixing - no good. No can do.

But Madoka has always been good at reading my feelings and thoughts, and when she didn't back down to my resistance, I realized that she must also have been in an odd frame of mind and really wanted something to occupy her evening. She's been hanging out with Okada-san, with whom she's not extremely close, and on whom she's probably been feeling that she's been imposing. And Madoka's also not the type to just go out and explore or re-acquaint herself with Bangkok. Nor would I want her to alone. So I conceded and snapped out of my resistance. Things will be much better once we're out of Bangkok and focused on each other and what we're here to do.

Bangkok, Thailand

Madoka is in town, but nothing really clicked and the plans to meet up got scrapped. Reality clash. First, meeting her for lunch with the Kawasaki's got scrapped for a dim sum lunch with Yui, Yai, Caroline, Philip, Kuk, Barbara, Ja, and Jiu at a Chinese restaurant not far from the hotel. Then dinner plans to meet Okada-san, the person with whom Madoka is staying, also got scrapped for dinner at Silom village with basically the same as the lunchtime crowd.

There was one last dessert at Swensen's and a traipse through the night market for Barbara before she, Caroline, Philip, and I came back to the hotel and hung out in Philip's room until 3 o'clock.

It is without a doubt miserable without Josephine. I think I need this time apart to realize how much a part of my life she might become real soon. It's been lonely and depressing without her, but I hope she's having fun. I don't think it is any mistake that Madoka and I were not able to hook up today. The gear shift that is being required is a little too much, and I'm trying to keep this summer program separate from Madoka and our business. I don't want them mixed at all. I want the program definitively over before shifting into Madoka mode.

Bangkok, Thailand

Kuk, Neng, An, Ja, Jiu, Poh, and Mam all went to the airport to see Josephine, Brenda, and Sui off, even though Brenda and Sui will be returning to Bangkok after their travels. It wasn't sad for Josephine and me, we knew it wouldn't be long until we saw each other again. But it was sad for Josephine and Kuk and Neng, since they won't be returning to the States and they don't know when they will see each other again.

After getting back to the hotel, I slept until 2:00 and then went to Chula to pick up some stuff for Josephine. It was really strange going there on my own. It was strange going anywhere on my own. The longest period of time Josephine and I stayed apart from each other in the last month was a little over 24 hours when we had that spat, and those 24 hours were so empty. Otherwise, the longest period of time we spent apart was maybe three hours. She's been constantly in my life. It was strange being solo today. Mixed feelings. It did feel free and the independence I'm so used to was refreshing, but I still felt that something was missing; that Josephine should have been there.

I'm still having moments of regret about not letting Josephine come with Madoka and me on our travels, but I think I made the right decision. The regret only stems from the separation and the loneliness of not being with her. Madoka and I aren't vacationing, refugee camps are serious shit. I don't think Josephine has it in her to visit one. The shock and hardship might move her and have an immense impact, but it would have been a risk taking her along. If she wasn't totally into it and willing to take on the hardships, I might be really disappointed in her. I respect what she is and I don't expect her to be a part of any world that I choose to enter. As long as she doesn't try and subsequently find herself incapable of adjusting. We need boundaries.

I wish we weren't separating for these 14 days. I still have to get used to the idea of Josephine being permanent in my life, and prepare myself for us to adjust to the real world in San Francisco.

Bangkok, Thailand

This is Josephine's last night in Thailand. It's almost over. She's leaving tomorrow to go traveling with Sui and Brenda in Bali. She'll be back in Taiwan on July 21st. It was a frustrating day for them trying to finalize last minute travel plans which took up most of the day.

Then it was packing for Josephine and me while the Thais set up a party in the hall at the hotel. This is the last night for a bunch of people, so it's a celebration. To add to the stress, Josephine had to buy two new suitcases to fit all of her stuff. She's leaving with twice as much stuff as she came with, but that's another story.

We managed to finish all her packing and preparing her for check out tomorrow morning and we were up until 4:00a.m., hanging out in the hall with everybody. We won't be apart for too long, I'll be in Taipei on the 29th, so only fourteen days. Still, we made the most of our time together.

Bangkok, Thailand

I'm so lucky to have Josephine. It's not that I haven't appreciated her, but it's really starting to sink in and that I will always be on her side. That's something I learned this summer. It was really funny - two people would disagree on a trivial fact and they would make a bet and other people would join in on one side or another and be very vociferous in supporting whichever side, only to admit, after being proven wrong, that they only did so out of friendship and not out of any special knowledge of the said trivial fact. But I'm very lucky to have Josephine, and from now I'm taking responsibility to protect this relationship and to take care of her and be on her side whenever I should.

Today we took care of some business. We first headed to Silom for lunch, since it was on the way to the building where we bought my plane ticket to visit Taiwan and fly back to San Francisco with her. Then we went to pick up our tickets and then we went to Chula because I had to return a library book. Then we went to MBK and bought Josephine a portable tape player and had dinner and then went to Tower Records.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine was on my mind all day because I hadn't seen her all day. I had trouble sleeping last night so I took a sleeping pill. Josephine eventually called and I ended up going to her room when things started looking really bad between us.

We slept until 2:00 in the afternoon and we made up and went for lunch/dinner at A&W, walking in a lovely rain. Then we came back and she went shopping with some other people and I just hung out on my window sill. I discovered the window sill yesterday as a great place to hang out. I smoked cigarettes that Josephine had bought yesterday. She got back about midnight and had brought me some food, an ear clasp and a t-shirt.

Tomorrow we're going to make our travel arrangements to go back to the U.S. together and go to Chinatown to buy rings for each other. The rings are going to be a promise to resolve any problems between us immediately after they happen. I'm still maturing in this relationship and it's still hard for me to confront and resolve problems as they happen.

Bangkok, Thailand

I didn't see Josephine at all today. Some conflict began yesterday on the way back from Ayuthaya. Nothing out in the open, it just developed. I resolved not to deal with it last night. She might have tried calling, but I was listening to music and didn't bother to see if the phone was ringing at any time. So I spent today on my own and tried to read in Lumpini Park, but came home because I couldn't concentrate.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine and I are still experiencing ups and downs. Today was a major down, but we ignored and avoided each other to prevent a fight. So, we're still holding to our promise not to fight, but I think she's straining. Three cars went up to Ayuthaya where Josephine and I went last week.

Apparently Josephine encountered some sort of epiphany last night and she's forging out a newfound independence and freewill. So we were trying to decide whether we were going to go on this little excursion today. It was an unnecessary trip by any account since we just went last week. So we decided not to go. But then I thought that this is going to be the last group excursion since the program is pretty much over and people are going their respective directions next week. So I decided to go. Then she decided to go because I decided to go. Halfway through the day, when we were deciding where to go next in Ayuthaya, Josephine suggested going home and said that she was bored.

My confidence in this relationship is very low at this point. We avoided a fight by avoiding each other. I decided adamantly that I wasn't going to see her or talk to her tonight, and I hold to that. That's OK, really. Avoiding a problem is better than fighting as far as I'm concerned, that's how sick of fighting I am. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot to avoid fights. So what we did was definitely the preferable course of action. What the tension between us says about the relationship is another thing.

My dislike for Sui has reached new lows as it appears Josephine's friendship with her has reached a new height. They spoke in Chinese for most of the ride back, and I realized how comfortable she sounded speaking in Chinese, even though the communication wasn't smooth since Sui's Mandarin isn't perfect. I'm realizing the huge communication barrier between us. It's fine for me using English because I'm not the one struggling with a foreign language. But for Josephine, there is so much that she can't express, and she is constrained by our limitation to English. That's another reason to believe we're wrong for each other.

Well, if avoiding and ignoring problems is how we deal with problems, I can deal with it at this point. In those times of tension, I just need to be by myself, let things cool down and when we get back together, pretend nothing happened. Story of my life.

Suicide is also not a settled issue come Josephine. It's still certainly here, albeit dormant for the past few weeks. The past few weeks haven't been reality. Bangkok, the YMCA hotel, rooms across the hall from each other. I haven't thought about reality in a while and I have the opportunity to avoid it even more, having applied for another year in school.

The possibility does cross my mind, though, of not returning to the States at all. Doing it here would certainly feel much better than in San Francisco. Do it after Madoka and I return to Bangkok. When I'm supposed to go to the airport, not to.

The current plans are that I'm supposed to go to Taiwan for a few days to see Josephine there. Those plans have two days to get scrapped if a fight gets out of hand. If they do get scrapped, then I think I’ll take it as a sign and start planning on not going back to the States. These euphemisms are getting out of hand. “Waking up tomorrow”, “not go back to the States”? Come on.

Bangkok, Thailand

Josephine and I went with pi-Sam to the Ministry of Justice again to talk to some people in the Department of Children's Rights for her paper. Pi-Sam was gracious enough to set up the meeting, and I went because she wanted me to come along for support. I was slightly perplexed that she went pretty much unprepared, but it's none of my business. Actually, "perplexed" is too strong a word. I noticed that she was unprepared, but I don't mean to be critical about it.

This evening another big crowd went to a seafood restaurant and, needless to say, it was incredibly annoying. Josephine was the only thing that got me through it.

Bangkok, Thailand

There's not much to do without any classes. Josephine and I slept in late, went out for the sole purpose of having lunch, and considering how far Silom is in this heat, going out for lunch seems a bit of a waste.

Josephine wants me to visit a few days in Taiwan before flying back to SF, hopefully together, so we're negotiating that. If I can do it for less the $600, I'll do it even if it means that my current ticket will be useless.

Josephine and I dropped International Contracts class, and we are glad to have done so because everyone else is slaving over the final exam. They spent over six hours on it and they're still not near done. I don't know how they're going to get it done by tomorrow.

Bangkok, Thailand

Today was the last day of Current Legal Problems. Since it's the only credit class I'm taking, it's probably the last class I’ll attend this summer. I handed in my LL.M. application today and Professor Sompong told me to consider myself admitted and to expect my acceptance in the mail.

Josephine ordered breakfast from room service this morning. She called me to come to her room and breakfast was there. I was touched, and it stemmed off what may have been another conflict between us. The rest of the day was fairly perfect. My appreciation for her is growing as is my commitment and love for her.

Bangkok, Thailand

A few of us went to the main library at Chulalongkorn University for the first time today to get started on our papers. The library did not have much in English language materials, so research will be slim. That took up the morning and the early afternoon. Later, Josephine and I took our laundry to get washed and then we just wasted time until a crowd went out for dinner. It was the first crowd activity in a while and I thought it would be bearable, but it ended up being really annoying. While walking home, Josephine and I broke off and continued on our own and talked about friendships.

Bangkok, Thailand

As long as everyone else was away, Josephine and I went for an overnight trip to a former capital of Thailand, Ayuthaya. Apparently I'm the only one who was interested in seeing the ruins of centuries old temples and Josephine apparently is willing to go anywhere I want to go.

Things went smoothly from the start. I think the taxi driver that took us to the train station swindled us, but he double-timed it there, taking shortcuts that we were unaware of, and we just made it onto the 13:05 train. The train ride was precisely an hour and a half and that's how I decided when to get off the train, even though there were signs in English at the station as reassurance.

It was hot, but after a short stop at Dunkin' Donuts, we went straight to two famous ruins that were across the street from each other, Wat Mahathat and Wat Ratburan. For me, there was no mistake that this was the place to be, above and beyond another beach or island or wherever. It was exhilarating being in a place once so holy, the ruins were absolutely stunning in size and detail, and it was an internal shock to see rows upon rows of headless Buddhas that had been vandalized by Burmese in raids centuries ago.

After making a round of ruins, we went to find a place for the night. The ones in the guidebook turned out to be dives, but we made the most of it and it was simply bliss to be with Josephine. We made do with the dank quarters and the strange showers and the mosquitoes. We had dinner at a nearby night-market.

We checked out this morning and hired a boat to take us to see more temples. The old city of Ayuthaya is actually an island, ringed by rivers. Going by boat was expensive by Thai standards, but we got to see more ruins than we would have been able to on foot.

Josephine lost her shades at the second temple, but the boat driver was nice enough to take us back and I ran off to find them. I had no idea where she might have lost them, so I just backtracked to wherever we had been, and I found them by some statues where we had taken pictures. Josephine was so happy when she saw that I found them. They were rather expensive, but I think she was more touched that I went to such an effort for her. Her happiness and smile are worth so much.

The boat driver then dropped us off across the river from that temple, and from there we walked. We went in search of an art museum that Josephine wanted to see, but unfortunately it wasn't the type of art Josephine was interested in. We found a pleasant park in which we sat in the shade before moving on. After the museum, we were hot and tired, so we took a tuk-tuk back to the train station and headed back to Bangkok. Again, everything went smoothly.

Our relationship is smoothing out. We still have some wrinkles, but I'm committed to her and I think of our relationship as permanent, and I will do whatever I can to keep us together.