Just for the Record: December 1997

I've been avoiding writing about the day to day events between Josephine and me because nothing has been stable in our relationship. My feelings on one day would be totally different on another day. In principle, I suppose, I should just put down what happens at any given time at the time it happens, because those are the facts of that particular time, but everyone knows that's not the way history works, whether it's world history, national history, or personal history.

If I write something one day that I completely do not feel another day, I do not want it written down. If a feeling or observation isn't permanent, I wouldn't want to make it permanent by recording it in my personal history. History does not become history just because it happens. It only becomes history when it is reconciled and comes to terms with itself. That's why entries here have been so sparse the past few months.

But here at year's end, I feel should assess and recap what this past semester has been with Josephine. Especially since a phase of our relationship ended on December 15. Actually, the relationship came to an end, only to be revived...well, it's going to be revived. It is intended to be revived when I go back to San Francisco?

I have very little good to say about this relationship. Overall, it's been a terrible relationship, and I don't know why I'm sticking with it; giving it another chance. There have been so many chances where all I had to do was let her walk away. Instead, I've always pulled her back or let her come back. This last time it would have been so easy; she had already found another place and paid the first months rent. I would have been here in New Jersey when she moved out. I wouldn't even have to deal with the separation. So easy.

I could have returned to San Francisco a free man; free from the fear, free from the pressure; free to be myself and do what I want to do. Sure it would have been hard, sure it would have been sad, but I would have gotten over it like I've done so many times before.

Instead, after a nice day together in New York as friends, I drove her to the family’s house with whom she was staying, and at the last moment she broke down and said she didn't want to move out. I felt for her so strongly and responded telling her not to then. And I'm glad about it. It was a relief. There must be something in the relationship that is worth it. But once I start thinking about it, I realize that I'm walking right back into a violent relationship, right back into the cycle of violence.

We've gone through this before, I have no reason to believe that things will be different or that she is going to change. I told her about the cycle of violence and she sees it and agrees that we have to get out of it. I think in her mind, maybe she is thinking that if we get back together, she won't be violent anymore and we are out of the cycle. For me, the fact that I'm going back into the relationship is re-affirming the cycle. We're just fulfilling the kiss and make-up phase of the cycle. The fact remains that the longest period of time we went without violence was 17 days. I do not believe anything is really going to change. There is going to be violence again in the month of January.

We had our rough times in Thailand, but they never ended in violence. It was just walk away until we made up. Then when we got back to San Francisco, we still had rough times, and it was the same deal, walk away until one of us made a move to make up. Then we moved in with each other and that's when the violence started.

It was hard from the very start. We had problems the day she moved in. After that, the cycle started, the suspicions, the hurt feelings, the lashing out, the accusations. None of it well-founded, none of it based on fact, none of it overshadowed by something to make the relationship worth my while.

Eventually the door slamming, the nasty words, the meanness, the throwing things, breaking things. Finally there was an actual physical assault, which isn't as bad as it sounds. I don't care so much about being hit, and female on male personal physical violence is not as serious a problem as the reverse. What it expressed, though, was not wasted or forgotten, nor the expression behind the sheer rage of her wrecking things in her room. All of it was me being thrown against the wall, shattering, scattering, breaking. The occasion of her screaming "I hate you" out her window at me for all the world to hear is a sound that still echoes in my ears. It was a public proclamation.

It's been an awful relationship. I remember all the fights and can't believe that we made up and continued with it so many times. The fights interspersed with good times that floated on a sea of fear, trying not to hurt her feelings, trying to keep her happy, worrying about the next time she reached the bottom of her manic depression's sine wave.

I had almost no private time to myself because I was afraid of leaving her alone, afraid of what was emotionally developing that I wasn't aware of, wasn't prepared for. Occasionally, she had her moments of clarity and would be aware of the problems, and she would encourage me to do what I wanted to do and not worry about her, but always, her actions would belie her words and I couldn't trust any of her words.

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It occurs to me only now that this whole story should be completely in the past tense. There should be no future. Josephine should just be another number in a string of girlfriends.

Only the relationship with Joy was worse. Liz, too, but I don’t count it because that period of my life is so surreal; a most tumultuous period of my life. The relationship with Liz wasn't bad because it was a bad relationship. It was bad because I was really, really screwed up. That relationship just isn't subject to comparison because it was doomed to fail. In the end, we're still friends and there is no hint that we used to go out.

Joy was just a painfully bland-nothing-boring-relationship. Everything got set into a mold which got repeated ad nauseam. Everything was predictable and boring and for months the only reason why I didn't break up with her was because I didn't feel like going through with a breakup. In the end it was rather harmless. A discussion for several hours in Golden Gate Park, a few tears shed, dropped her off at a BART station. Even with the violence, Josephine was better. Josephine is a ball of fun at her best and a great companion.

When things were good with Josephine, they were great, but great times don't overshadow violence. It's sick to put up with violence just because other times are good. Josephine has to learn that there are things that you just don't do and just don't say to the one you love. She has to take responsibility for what she throws out into the world around her.

Amina and Shiho are still the undeniable best relationships I had, even though they both ended in betrayal. Disgust and betrayal with Amina. A complete loss of respect for Shiho. But while they were happening, they were great and the feeling from those relationships is what I still strive for.

In the middle are Sakuko, Hiromi, and Luyen. Sakuko and I broke up because of my personal problems. If we started going out now, I think I could fulfill my part to make it work. She really loved me and wanted things to work and tried to make things work. If Josephine put that sort of effort into our relationship, it would be a breeze.

The relationship with Hiromi was the sweetest out of the three, but also the most detached. I never felt we really connected through the hours and hours of intimacy we had in the semester we were together. When the relationship started slipping away, there was nothing for me to hold onto to keep it from slipping away, even if I wanted to.

I don't even have any recollection of how it broke off. It just suddenly wasn't there anymore. We had problems and they just didn't get addressed. We didn't try to work it out. The semester ended and we weren't in each others' plans. We both ended up staying in Oberlin, but not together. We were apart and that set the stage for our walking our separate ways. I really don't remember.

The relationship with Luyen was as tortured as this with Josephine. She was working her way through emotional and mental problems and we argued and fought a lot, but a lot of it was positive fighting and there was no violence. By "positive", I don't mean that any of the fighting was good, but there was a point to it all. Our fights were substantive and we were trying to work things out, personally and together. It wasn't self-indulgent or petty fighting. But I'm not sure I'm remembering that quite right, either.

That's funny. There is no comparison between Josephine and either Shiho or Amina, but there is some element in each Hiromi, Luyen, and Sakuko in this relationship with Josephine. And I left Hiromi, Luyen, and Sakuko. I didn't leave Amina or Shiho.

So the order I put the relationships in is: Amina, Shiho, Sakuko, Luyen, Hiromi, Josephine, Liz, Joy. It's a steep drop between Shiho and Sakuko. I had a lot in common with both Amina and Shiho, although I'm not sure they'd say the same thing about me. They both were into the music they liked and there was plenty of overlap with my musical tastes.

I have little recollection of what music was shared with the others. With Josephine, Liz, and Joy, music was not even an important part of their lives by my standards. Amina and Shiho appreciated the music they listened to, and that was really important to me. It's not the music itself, but rather their attitude towards the music that moved them. That's the connection.

With Sakuko, Luyen, and Hiromi, it's odd because they were all musicians. Sakuko and Luyen played piano and Hiromi sang. And Hiromi appreciated her music. The connection just wasn't there.

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So why am I getting back with Josephine? Why do I love her enough to give her yet another chance, even though I know that this relationship will fail.

Part of it may be because of my own maturity that has come with age. When things don't work, you don't just walk away from it. If you commit to someone, you try to work it out. If someone asks for forgiveness, you give it. Is there hope that we will get out of the cycle of violence? Yes, there is hope that eventually we will get out. Whether it's soon enough is another question.

She's also cute as hell. And her laugh and her smile are to die for. Her happiness is infectious and fills the room.

And just maybe she needs me. She's trying. I'm not about to abandon her. That certainly puts me at risk. She can walk away, and when she does I'll let her go no problem. But I'll keep coming back to her despite the abuse and violence.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see when I return to San Francisco. I have no idea how I'll feel once I'm there; once I see her. It won't be easy. The memory of her expressions of hatred stands firmly next to the memory of the expressions of her love.

I dreamed I was in a room with Josephine. Something about the room, the light, made it perfect for taking pictures of her nude. I don't specifically recall asking her if I could shoot her, but I felt an implicit assent. Someone else walked in and said they needed the room. I told him that I just needed five minutes and he finally assented. I closed the door and locked it.

Josephine started undressing and I opened the shades to see how the background was. I noted that there were only about eight frames left on the roll. I was limited in frames and in time, and it took about three minutes for Josephine to undress. I shot two or three frames, and in the dream I was able to see the final product - she was clothed and very small in the frame. I felt that I had just wasted those frames.

I shot the rest of the roll in the remaining time and Josephine shrunk in size until she gradually disappeared. There seemed to be nothing unusual about that. After the roll was finished, I called to her to appear again, to grow in size. She didn't appear and I continued to look for her close to the ground where I had last seen her. She never appeared again and I felt that I had lost her for good.