1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I got a new apartment, I’m moving this month. After three years here, might as well be three years wasted, I’m getting my own place, getting my own life back; having a place of my own, a home. Isn't that what I said when I moved here?

Will my life turn around amidst my insistent overture that I don’t want it to?

I sense a joy these days, like I feel that there is someone out there who loves me. A feeling that is usually limited to when I know that there is someone out there who loves me. Is there someone who loves me that I’m sensing, that I don’t know about yet? Doubt it.

For now, I’m caught up in the anxiety of the actual move. I have so much shit that I have no idea how to organize the move. I can’t make it haphazard like I’ve done before, making multiple trips as I was able to. If I did that this time, it would take a frustratingly long amount of time.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I drove down to the Santa Cruz Mountains after practicing at the studio to catch the Leonid meteor shower. It was spectacular. I saw several on the drive down, just past midnight. When I got up into the mountains, I knew when to stop when I saw cars lining the side of the road. I stayed until past 3 a.m., and I saw more than 600 meteorites in that time. Hardly a minute or two passed without seeing one. There were probably hundreds of people up there to see them. I was probably the only one up there alone.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I went on that trip last week. I drove down to Southern California last Friday, went to Joshua Tree on Saturday, hung out with Rosalie on Sunday, drove to Sequoia National Park and Kings Canyon on Monday, and drove home on Tuesday, sweeping through Yosemite. There were good points and bad points. Joshua Tree was amazing, I love the desert, it was warm and exciting. A major bad point was Daylight Savings Time ending during the trip, so by the time I was heading to Sequoia National Park, I knew I would have an hour less of daylight.

The Giant Redwoods in Sequoia weren’t spectacular, I think I’m more awed by the tall coastal Redwoods. It was a nice drive through the park, though, and Kings Canyon was incredible, even though I got there after dark. It started raining during the night and it didn’t let up, so that ruined my plans to do some hikes before heading back to San Francisco. But since I was leaving so early, I decided to divert through Yosemite. Even in the rain and fog and mist, Yosemite was quite beautiful. I would like to go to Yosemite and Kings Canyon next Spring or Summer. Mono Lake, too. I also want to drive up the North Coast to see the coastal Redwoods and do a bike ride I’ve read about.

I started cutting again. It felt good. I felt whole again. Maybe not “whole”, but I felt like I was myself again. Nothing serious, just scratches with a utility knife. Lines that heal within a few days.

No more daylight savings. It’s dark by the time I get out of work. Another Winter to get through. A Bay Area “Winter”. I can get through it. February 17, 2003.

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

Time for an assessment.

- I’ve been working at this job for about one year and four months. I now work on the 18th floor with a new boss and a new team.

- Most of the people around me are new faces. They know nothing about me.

- Rosalie is gone and I have moved to her room. Jen has moved in and I never see her because she’s a cook in an upscale restaurant and she is asleep when I leave and she gets in after midnight.

- Fiction is moving. I don’t know where, I don’t know how fast, but we’ve got something going. More than I’ve ever had going before.

- Spiritually I’m numb. Not dead. Just not in that space.

- Physically, I’m...who cares. Mentally, who cares. Emotionally, who cares. Who cares.

I have no friends, no one knows me and there is no one I can count on. I have people who would say that they care, but they have no idea how bad it can get. I have no past, I have no future. I’m just wallowing in my present nothingness. Lack of inspiration. But there must be a reason why I’m still here. I still enjoy things. I’m wallowing in the swamp of mediocrity that my life has slid into. Time to get angry again?

1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

What else is my life now? Fiction had our first gig and we played another gig since then, and we have three more lined up between now and the middle of January. It’s going good, but we need to record again with the new guitarist and figure out what this band is in this configuration.

Rosalie is moving to Southern California. The movers come tomorrow and I immediately start moving my stuff into her room. I’m moving into her room, and Denise’s friend Jen is moving into my old room.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I’ve been occasionally having trouble sleeping these past few weeks. I woke up several times last night, but managed to get back to sleep. But then I woke up at six and didn't want to bother trying anymore, so I got up and got ready for work and got there 45 minutes early. After work I decided to continue and stay and put in overtime and it was Josefa and I working late, just like we did on the 13th floor, and then I walked out with her after 8:00 and walked her to the ferry.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Back in the Bay Area, welcome to September. My back is pretty much up to 100%. I’m trying to be careful with it. I started riding to work on Friday and so far, so good. I'm striving to get some normalcy at work. Theresa is in a flurry trying to get up to speed. Josefa and I are hanging out more, and it's hard not to be attracted to her. We've been training a temp that we're hoping to hire, Joyce, and she seems cool, too. I hope she takes the job. Auditions continue for a new guitarist for Fiction.

So everything is just fine, right? Peachy keen, faboo, right? And then boom, Josephine e-mailed me yesterday. She was just checking to see if my address was still active. I haven't responded yet. Why now? What does she want?

Why can’t Josephine just stay away? It has been almost exactly one year since our last communication. It was right after the earthquake in Taiwan, and letting me know that she was alright was the last thing on her mind. Another earthquake just hit Taiwan, almost one year later. This one wasn't as big, so it wasn't as big news. Was she e-mailing me to let me know that she's alright? Doubtful.

Why doesn't she just stay away? I wouldn't go out with her again, our relationship was too hard and there are too many bad memories. I'm still madly attracted to her which would make it hard for me to keep my hands off of her. And if she wants me back, she wouldn't resist. I just don't have time for her in my life.

Josephine. Josefa? It’s totally stupid. Josephine and Josefa are miles apart. They are nothing alike and what attracts me to Josefa is completely different from what attracted me to Josephine. Josephine was a lot of fun and I truly loved her. Josefa, I just want to fuck her brains out.

Englewood Cliffs, N.J.

My back was well enough today for me to go out. I pointlessly went out, and for some reason I decided to check out some mall action at Garden State Plaza. I walked in and walked around a bit but then I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Consumerism. Year round Christmas consumerism. I was amazed by the meaninglessness of it all. Everyone seemed so empty and shallow. Probably by virtue of being in a mall. Has it always been like this? I grew up on this. It must have been different fifteen years ago. It must have.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

The month is finally over. All the things that happened, all of it connected. From the convergence of all those things running down at the end of July, to Ritu's meltdown, to Chris's departure from Fiction, to the office politics about which team I would be on and the subsequent transition of cases and attorneys, to the trip to Tahoe and the ride around the lake, to my back injury and recovery with Dr. Wonson.

Dr. Wonson knew that there was more to my back injury than the physical aspect. If she only knew the whole thing. Now I exit the month in New Jersey, away from all that in the Bay Area, symbolizing a passing or a passageway into what's next. What's next? What is awaiting me when I return. Do I dare guess? New boss, I know. What about Josefa? The work environment will change. The band is changing. It all happens in September.

Every time I visit New Jersey, I come here feeling like a stranger, like a completely different person than these people know. I feel like I've gone through so many changes and that I have grown so that being here has no relevance. They have no idea who or what I am or what I'm about. These people are the same, no growth, no progress, still mired in their petty, predictable, ordinary existences.

But it's inevitable that the longer I stay here, the more I revert into seeing myself the way they see me, even though it's totally inaccurate. Deep family grooves, you think you can run away from them, but it's so hard to shake them.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Dr. Wonson started me on acupuncture and it was really good. I left her office on a calm and focused high, not focusing on anything, just serene. The same feeling as I used to have after Tae Kwon Do or other martial arts, walking home like an open channel with whatever thoughts and external stimuli coming to me and flowing through me.

So my back is much better now, I'm almost back to normal. There's still just a little bit of stiffness and it's still hard to stand up. Going to New Jersey will be good, and when I get back I hope to be able to ride again. The month is almost over. Ritu, work, Fiction, Tahoe, back problems, it was all connected. We'd like to think that we have control over these independent things. I disagree. I think of all of it as one thing and I hope I'm almost out of it. Work will stabilize soon. Things are nuts for Theresa, but I think by the time I get back, things will be more under control and she will be able to take over my caseload, instead of having it spread out between three attorneys. My back is almost better. Fiction has started auditioning guitarists and we should have one by the end of September. If Ritu returns? I don't know yet. I don't know if I'd be willing to work for her again.

The barrier between our relationship as friends and co-workers was completely artificial and superficial. No matter what I said or led her to believe. She was above all, my boss, an authority figure, and that never went away while we were "friends". So in the end, while she was entreating me as a friend, she was still nevertheless abusing her work authority.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Last weekend I went to Lake Tahoe for the first time. I was just tagging along with some folks I had met who were going there for a wedding.

On Saturday when they went to the wedding, I decided to rent a bike and ride around the Lake. I figured it couldn't be that hard. The shoreline measured about 71 miles, but since it's around a lake, it must be flat, right? Right?! And 71 miles was just a little more than twice the length of the Tour de Peninsula. No problem, right? Right?!

I started in South Lake Tahoe and started going counter-clockwise around the Lake on Route 50. It wasn't easy, it was very, very hard.

The shoreline of Lake Tahoe being mostly private property, the only way around is to stay on the paved roads, minor highways really, certainly not flat. For some reason, this discovery did not deter my original justification for why it shouldn't be a problem riding around the Lake.

I encountered a considerable hill after not long, but I was pretty fresh so it wasn't too bad. I was actually psyched going up it, like I was conquering it. Il Pirata eat your heart out (not!).

The hill peaked at the intersection of Rte 50 and Rte 28, and I went down the hill of Rte 28, and as I was going down I started questioning whether I could make it all the way around. Hill descended, I stopped to rest at a place called Sand Harbor which was at Lake level. It had taken me two hours to get there and it was only one third the way around. If I wanted to turn around and go back, I would have to tackle that hill again, not an attractive prospect. Maybe the rest of the way around the lake was fairly flat. I decided to push on, relying on that unfounded belief, and accepting the fact that this was not going to be an easy ride.

An easy ride it was not - I continued but I realized that I was losing my legs. I stopped to get something to eat at a bagel shop, but it didn't help much. Eventually, even small upgrades became a challenge and slowed me down. I started getting cramps in my legs and had to stop and stretch every once in a while. At least I was right about it being fairly flat. Well, mostly right. After a while, I had no legs left, but I pushed on by sheer will. I gained some energy as I made it to the two-thirds mark and had a feeling I could really accomplish this.

The last third started off OK; bike lanes and paths made for a less harrowing ride. And then I hit what I feared – a large hill. I had no legs, I had no water and was dehydrating, but all I could do was put the bike in lowest gear and crawl up the hill. But the hill went on and on, it seemed like it would never end. I put my mind in a zone and just kept the gears cranking, but it was too much. As the hill continued with no end in sight, I cursed and yelled. I was cursing at God. I couldn't believe that there was this huge hill at the very end of the ride. This was surely some cruel joke God was having fun with.

Finally I reached the top. My legs were wasted and I just coasted on the downhill. And then I couldn't believe it, another hill looking even longer! I was cracking, I wasn't psychologically prepared for it, but I kept pushing up the hill. My mind was racing and I was trying to calm it. Why a hill at the very end of the ride? The end is where I needed it to be flat and be able to take it easy to the finish. Anywhere else a huge hill would have been better. When I reached the top, I didn't trust it. I coasted down the hills actively relaxing my legs waiting for the next hill.

The downhill didn't feel nearly as long as the uphill, but it finally leveled out without another uphill, but it still wasn't easy. I was crawling along until I finally saw the sign for South Lake Tahoe. It was an experience, and an accomplishment; an accomplishment I'd like to forget.

Seven hours on the saddle. Something NOT in my ability to do.

***************************

I thought I had wrecked my knees on the ride, but on Monday morning they felt fine, so I decided to ride into work. When I got to work, my back was starting to get sore.

The soreness continued through Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning, I woke up and I could barely move. It took all the effort I could muster to simply turn over. Then I had to climb down off my loft bed, and get ready for work. It took me forever to get to work because I had to walk slow step by slow, painful step. I took Muni because there was no way I could ride.

When I got to work, walking like a zombie, I immediately asked Zenaida, a co-worker, to get me a phone book and I called my chiropractor, Dr. Wonson, and got an appointment for 10:00. Aside from falling in love with her, her treatment got me through the rest of the day, but I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it. I made it to rehearsal that night, though. Sitting and playing drums wasn't too bad.

On Thursday morning, my back was just as bad. I had an appointment with Dr. Wonson at 2:15, so I had to get through the day until then. Afterwards, I was well enough to stay late at work. I hadn't been able to get much work done and I was falling way behind and I'm going on vacation next week.

Friday morning was a little better. It wasn't as hard getting out of bed, and I had an appointment for 9:30, so I went to work, turned on my computer and then went to see Dr. Wonson. It was still hard getting through the day, I was pretty stiff, but I could definitely feel I was getting better.

Dr. Wonson showed me my X-rays and showed me how bad it was. My spine was distinctly bent to the left. Barb, one of my co-workers who once was studying to go into physical therapy, reasoned that the 72 mile ride around Tahoe with monster hills, on a bike that was several inches too big, tweaked my muscles so hard that now they were wrenching my spine off center. Dr. Wonson was working to get my muscles and bones back to normal. The first thing she noted when she examined me was that my back muscles were really cold, indicating that my circulation was really bad.

Although I was much better on Friday, Dr. Wonson wasn't really satisfied with my progress. She had been heating my back muscles and adjusting me and I was still pretty bad off. She ran me through some acupressure exercises and decided she wanted to start me on acupuncture on Monday. After one exercise she asked me if I was going through any stress.

Was I going through stress?!! Let me tell you stress!

I didn't say that, but I told her about Ritu and work. Somehow, from the exercise, she felt there was some other external factors contributing to the problem.

***************************

My back really overshadowed my transition at work. The new attorney, Theresa, came in on Monday and she's learning the ropes at the firm, so we haven't had much interaction aside from introduction, but my cases are gradually going to be transferred to her. Angela apparently is not pleased that she didn't get me on her team, but there is no way that I can work for Angela.

This morning I had the easiest time getting out of bed since Wednesday. I had no problem turning over. I'm still stiff, but I'm much more mobile than I have been. It still hurts to stand up, but I'm feeling positive about recovering.

What a month it has been. Everything had been going so well until August 1st when Ritu hit the wall. That was the day I took off from work to take care of the psychic convergence that occurred at the end of July, when everything ran down. Somehow I must have sensed what was going to happen. If it hadn't happened? It had to have happened. It couldn't have gone on the way it was going. But if it didn't happen, things would have gone on normally.

Theresa would have joined the firm without affecting me at all, I wouldn't have had to deal with Angela and Stacey concerning my new assignment. But the cases I had that were floundering would still be floundering under Ritu. I had cases that had huge problems and Ritu wasn't doing anything to help me fix them. Would I have gone to Tahoe? I don't know, I may not have felt the need to get out of town. Considering the aftermath of going to Tahoe, I would bet that I wouldn't have gone.

***************************

We all have to die some time. I was thinking hard about that today on my way home from doing overtime at work. Passing all the people out on a Saturday night, old people who were walking like me, like they were in pain. I never thought that they might be in pain, I just thought of them as old. Young people searching for something to do, having fun, healthy, lives in front of them, going through their own dramas, taking for granted that they could walk. Homeless people, disfigured people, babies in strollers, tourists from out of town, taxi drivers at their jobs.

We all have to die some time. I thought really hard about that fact. We all have to die some time. We are all going to die some time. We will die as plainly as we are living. But we have no problem dealing with the issue that we are alive. We do have a problem, as a society, dealing with the fact that we will die, of our mortality. If we are so unhealthy about the way we treat and deal with death. We can't be very healthy about the way we treat and deal with life. Ain’t that the truth?

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Shit is hitting the fan for Ritu. Her boyfriend, Peter, is moving out. He doesn't want to renew their lease at the end of the month. She was totally dysfunctional at work and left early. Apparently it started yesterday, but I wasn't at work to experience it. More like take the brunt of it. Moving out sounds pretty serious, but I'm not sure what it means.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I took today off from work to take care of the phone and my car. Rosalie got back last night. We went for brunch down on 24th St., and then waited for the phone guy to come. PG&E were working outside, digging holes in my driveway, so I couldn't take care of my car until they were done.

PG&E were wrapping things up at around 3:00 and they came in to turn the gas back on. When they filled in the holes in the driveway, Rosalie called AAA to jump start my car. And then the phone guy came. The AAA guy jumped my car and said I should leave it running because the battery was totally dead. It wouldn't start again if I turned it off. So we waited until the phone guy was done, and then Rosalie came with me to buy a new car battery.

By the end of the day, things were pretty much back to normal.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

This nagging feeling that I have to assess my entire life every time I start writing in here...that's what ordinary life is. Life merrily rolls along. Nothing is happening, nothing indicating that I should be doing something, that I am doing something, or should be here at all. Insignificant day moves into insignificant day. It's not life to me. I work now, I'm self-sufficient, I have no goals, no where my life is headed, and no desire for such direction.

It's ordinary life, and ordinary life is about assessing it's value at every moment or so. Ordinary life is about filling empty spaces. Deciding what to do next, wondering what is going on now and where this is headed, when all the while just floating through it and letting time take us through each day like a leaf on a stream.

After all this time, I finally realized when to end my life. It will be spontaneous. If there is any planning involved, it's not the end of my life. My life will end when I can let everything fall away and there are no thoughts of planning or circumstances or results. It will just happen with no fanfare, no drama, just as fact, simple as breathing, and I think that's as much enlightenment or clarity as I'll get in this lifetime. My life will end when I reach that moment and let go and go through with it. My life will end when I am free of attachments.

Truth to tell, ordinary life is really, really boring.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Happy Fucking Millennium! Again that urge to assess my entire life when I write in here. It hasn't changed from last month. There's no one really significant in my life and nothing really significant happening. I live a life none so significant.

What I'm doing still alive is still a mystery to me. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing still alive, and if I don't find an answer, I see no reason for staying. Really! I'm more and more convinced that I'm done and I should start living my life like I'm wrapping it up, wrapping up loose ends. Yea right, when have I not felt that way?

I was out on my bike for the new year. It was actually quite uneventful and anti-climatic. I did Critical Mass in the evening. It was smaller than usual, but it was the only hint of a party in this city for most of the night. It was fun and a little more boisterous, but there wasn't a whole lotta traffic to disrupt, it being a holiday.

At midnight I was on Twin Peaks with hundreds of other people. So much for being alone. The fireworks were visible, but no big deal. July 4th displays are typically more...more. I was heading down before the fireworks ended and after that I just rode around the city. It was basically a big fat nothing. People were off the streets by 12:30.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

I’m not sure what it is, but I feel this constant need to assess my life whenever I write in here. It could indicate that my life is stagnating and getting boring. It could mean that I’m not satisfied with it. I don’t really feel that, though.

The assessment of my life isn’t impressive. Job is just job, it’s rewarding getting paid for doing something. The years of not doing that has given me an appreciation for it. Band is just band, we’re working on it but not really moving forward with it. People are just people, none having special meaning to me, not even the special friends.

Why am I not complaining about any of this? Is it bad that things are only what they are, can’t be better, no improvement to pursue, nothing enriching? What am I doing with the practice of my life? The practice of my life is enriching, but it has only to do with me and what’s inside me. What I’m enriched by doesn’t touch anything in the physical world outside of me. What is this “outside of me”?

Interesting. It could be that “outside of me” represents affirmation. If the enrichment doesn’t touch the physical world, or seen by it, it’s not as valid. That’s not right. I made claims that my satisfaction in my being or sense of self is not dependent upon what people think of me. I need to doubt that and re-establish my connection with the physical world. How to do it, I haven’t the slightest. If I can do it, I haven’t the slightest.

Last night, Anita had a small party and I finally got to hang out with my boss, Ritu. At work, I haven’t gotten much of a chance to get to know her, but I think that if we can get past the work stuff, we might have the chemistry for a friendship. There was a little adjusting at first to stop thinking of each other as co-workers, but we were able to get socially comfortable.

The idea of a friendship is a cloudy one. I’m not sure what it means anymore. I’m not sure I’m close with any of my friends. Anita is the closest, and that’s not that close. No one really knows me, there’s no one who I want to know me, and there’s no one I can really confide in. Re-examination of my role and interaction with the world around me.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

The most pressingly frustrating thing that is characterizing this period of my life, which I’m hoping means only this Summer, is that I don’t have a job and I don’t have a strategy for finding one. I did go to a job fair on Tuesday and I signed up at a temp agency and I’m hoping they will call me sometime next week. If they don’t, I have no idea what’s going on.

Actually, the weather qualifies as a close second to the most pressingly frustrating thing characterizing this period of my life. This Summer has been absolutely miserable cold and it has even drizzled several times. It’s been cold and windy, and frustrating is the only way to describe it. Of course this is the first Summer I’ve been in San Francisco in three years.

I like where I live now. It’s not ideal ideal, but it’s more than satisfactory so I should clock my appreciation for that. This end of Noe Street is quiet and sees a reasonable amount of sun. The ceiling of this apartment is really thin so we can hear just about everything going on upstairs and that could be annoying, but I think we might be just as noisy to them.

I’m a little uneasy describing the physical space as comfortable, because I’m uneasy with physical space overall. There are times when the physicality of my surroundings seems so very arbitrary, and I know that most people don’t question such things. Physical surroundings are indisputable facts, they are not up for discussion or debate. It is such a basic thing that I’m struggling with, it’s kinda pointless, but not to me.

And in stranger times I feel that intangible things like dreams and hopes have less abstract forms and they feel more like fabrics, but just in my mind. Well, that’s self-contradictory, but I’m questioning what anything means to be “in my mind” because theoretically, everything is in my mind, or everything is my mind. So I’m sorta re-defining tangibility for myself, too.

So a final bit of confusion is in questioning what it means to be inside me and what it means to be outside. I’m supposed to be looking “inside” me, but where is that? Not a question to be taken lightly, but often done so.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

All told I’m pretty happy with where I am in my life. This is the start of stage II. All that has passed is stage I, and that all ended in April with ten years of journal entries written in this format. This format appears to be the most ideal, so nothing new here.

I’m not about to attempt to explain the significance of stage II. Suffice it to say that stage I was development and learning, a ten year period of personal growth; stage II I’m hoping will be more clarification and application, a continuation of personal growth, but more on a plateau than on an incline.

So first, a bit of recap.

Fiction is floundering and I need to find another project or another band. We haven’t rehearsed for two months because Josh supposedly hurt himself, but I don't think that's the whole story. He's been stonewalling any progress. Josh, as far as I’m concerned, is out of the band. No steps have been taken to get a new drummer.

I’ve wasted the entire summer pretending to look for a job. I’ve just been incredibly lazy and I’ve really gotten nothing done. I did apply for a few but didn’t get any of them. All summer I’ve been telling myself that I have to go to a temp agency, but it just never happened. I’m a big loser in the work department.

The situation with my housemates is satisfactory for most part. Rosalie and I get along really well when we spend time together. She is moody, though, and if she’s in a bad mood, the best policy is to just stay away. Otherwise, she’s totally sweet and funny. Mina has gotten increasingly annoying. All I’ll say is that her whining is overpowering, and I believe her now when she says she’s a total klutz.

As for me...

All told I’m pretty happy with where I am in life, unemployment notwithstanding. I look at myself and compare myself with people around me and I’m comfortable with who I am and where I am in life. Unemployment notwithstanding.

I think I’m doing a fairly good job trying to keep true to my nature. I think I’m doing alright as a Buddhist, not that “doing” has any meaning or significance, much less “doing alright”.

It’s so hard to convey because language immediately limits what I feel I’m experiencing. I’d like to say I’m making progress, but progress is not a goal. I’d like to say that it makes me feel good that I’m sitting everyday and my sitting is productive, but feeling good isn’t important, nor is being “productive”.

I like to think that I just do it because I do it, but even “I like to think...” is off the mark. It should be, “I just do it”. If it’s real, then that’s the reason one should do it; no thinking. I don’t think it’s the only reason I do it. There still is too much ego in my sitting.

I feel like I’m in the tail end of my life and I think that puts me one up on people around me; people who are at this age now and are dissatisfied with where they are in life because they feel that they should be at the prime of their life or at least on their way up, but are still struggling to get things started. Me, I’m at the end of my life, I have nothing to accomplish or prove. All I need is to be comfortable with who I am and where I am in life. I hope to be able to explain it better.

1557 Noe St., San Francisco

Nothing obvious has come out of the key incident. They haven’t miraculously come back to me and I’ve had to go and replace them all. Neurotic as the incident has made me, I’m using a different system now where I keep all my keys separate so that if I lose any set, not all of them will be lost. But nothing life-altering, it’s actually been pretty anti-climatic and disappointing. I’m sure this has confirmed to my housemates that by their definitions I’m a complete idiot. Fuck ‘em.

I’ve run into Josephine in the law library lately since I’m spending more time there working on my paper and thesis, I’m really trying to clamp down on those and getting them done. It seems like it would be so easy for us to fall right back into the relationship and all the bad habits that characterized our relationship. It hurt realizing that under no condition did I want to get back into a relationship with her. Our relationship was just so miserable by the end that I have no desire to get back together. So does that make the attraction a base matter of lust? It’s a bit confusing.

Also our life paths have undoubtedly separated. I’ve declared San Francisco my home and there’s no way now that I’m going to leave it to go to Taiwan with her. And she’s returning to Taiwan after graduation no doubt about it. And that’s the story. We’re simply not going to be together after she leaves. The band is my priority over and above her, and I can only fear how she would react to that.

198 Shakespeare St., San Francisco

I bought a new bass on Monday! A Spector NS-2000. So far I’m not completely sold on it, even though I bought it. I haven’t gotten a chance to take it into the studio yet. It is visually more aesthetically pleasing than the Riverhead, which is freakish. It balances great and feels great. The neck is slower than the Riverhead, and it’s heavier. The most important thing will be the sound. If it’s anywhere near comparable to the Riverhead, which so far I’m not convinced it will be, then it might become my main bass. Which would be too bad since I’m rather attached to the Riverhead.