The month is finally over. All the things that happened, all of it connected. From the convergence of all those things running down at the end of July, to Ritu's meltdown, to Chris's departure from Fiction, to the office politics about which team I would be on and the subsequent transition of cases and attorneys, to the trip to Tahoe and the ride around the lake, to my back injury and recovery with Dr. Wonson.
Dr. Wonson knew that there was more to my back injury than the physical aspect. If she only knew the whole thing. Now I exit the month in New Jersey, away from all that in the Bay Area, symbolizing a passing or a passageway into what's next. What's next? What is awaiting me when I return. Do I dare guess? New boss, I know. What about Josefa? The work environment will change. The band is changing. It all happens in September.
Every time I visit New Jersey, I come here feeling like a stranger, like a completely different person than these people know. I feel like I've gone through so many changes and that I have grown so that being here has no relevance. They have no idea who or what I am or what I'm about. These people are the same, no growth, no progress, still mired in their petty, predictable, ordinary existences.
But it's inevitable that the longer I stay here, the more I revert into seeing myself the way they see me, even though it's totally inaccurate. Deep family grooves, you think you can run away from them, but it's so hard to shake them.
Thursday, August 31, 2000
Monday, August 28, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Dr. Wonson started me on acupuncture and it was really good. I left her office on a calm and focused high, not focusing on anything, just serene. The same feeling as I used to have after Tae Kwon Do or other martial arts, walking home like an open channel with whatever thoughts and external stimuli coming to me and flowing through me.
So my back is much better now, I'm almost back to normal. There's still just a little bit of stiffness and it's still hard to stand up. Going to New Jersey will be good, and when I get back I hope to be able to ride again. The month is almost over. Ritu, work, Fiction, Tahoe, back problems, it was all connected. We'd like to think that we have control over these independent things. I disagree. I think of all of it as one thing and I hope I'm almost out of it. Work will stabilize soon. Things are nuts for Theresa, but I think by the time I get back, things will be more under control and she will be able to take over my caseload, instead of having it spread out between three attorneys. My back is almost better. Fiction has started auditioning guitarists and we should have one by the end of September. If Ritu returns? I don't know yet. I don't know if I'd be willing to work for her again.
The barrier between our relationship as friends and co-workers was completely artificial and superficial. No matter what I said or led her to believe. She was above all, my boss, an authority figure, and that never went away while we were "friends". So in the end, while she was entreating me as a friend, she was still nevertheless abusing her work authority.
So my back is much better now, I'm almost back to normal. There's still just a little bit of stiffness and it's still hard to stand up. Going to New Jersey will be good, and when I get back I hope to be able to ride again. The month is almost over. Ritu, work, Fiction, Tahoe, back problems, it was all connected. We'd like to think that we have control over these independent things. I disagree. I think of all of it as one thing and I hope I'm almost out of it. Work will stabilize soon. Things are nuts for Theresa, but I think by the time I get back, things will be more under control and she will be able to take over my caseload, instead of having it spread out between three attorneys. My back is almost better. Fiction has started auditioning guitarists and we should have one by the end of September. If Ritu returns? I don't know yet. I don't know if I'd be willing to work for her again.
The barrier between our relationship as friends and co-workers was completely artificial and superficial. No matter what I said or led her to believe. She was above all, my boss, an authority figure, and that never went away while we were "friends". So in the end, while she was entreating me as a friend, she was still nevertheless abusing her work authority.
Saturday, August 26, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Last weekend I went to Lake Tahoe for the first time. I was just tagging along with some folks I had met who were going there for a wedding.
On Saturday when they went to the wedding, I decided to rent a bike and ride around the Lake. I figured it couldn't be that hard. The shoreline measured about 71 miles, but since it's around a lake, it must be flat, right? Right?! And 71 miles was just a little more than twice the length of the Tour de Peninsula. No problem, right? Right?!
I started in South Lake Tahoe and started going counter-clockwise around the Lake on Route 50. It wasn't easy, it was very, very hard.
The shoreline of Lake Tahoe being mostly private property, the only way around is to stay on the paved roads, minor highways really, certainly not flat. For some reason, this discovery did not deter my original justification for why it shouldn't be a problem riding around the Lake.
I encountered a considerable hill after not long, but I was pretty fresh so it wasn't too bad. I was actually psyched going up it, like I was conquering it. Il Pirata eat your heart out (not!).
The hill peaked at the intersection of Rte 50 and Rte 28, and I went down the hill of Rte 28, and as I was going down I started questioning whether I could make it all the way around. Hill descended, I stopped to rest at a place called Sand Harbor which was at Lake level. It had taken me two hours to get there and it was only one third the way around. If I wanted to turn around and go back, I would have to tackle that hill again, not an attractive prospect. Maybe the rest of the way around the lake was fairly flat. I decided to push on, relying on that unfounded belief, and accepting the fact that this was not going to be an easy ride.
An easy ride it was not - I continued but I realized that I was losing my legs. I stopped to get something to eat at a bagel shop, but it didn't help much. Eventually, even small upgrades became a challenge and slowed me down. I started getting cramps in my legs and had to stop and stretch every once in a while. At least I was right about it being fairly flat. Well, mostly right. After a while, I had no legs left, but I pushed on by sheer will. I gained some energy as I made it to the two-thirds mark and had a feeling I could really accomplish this.
The last third started off OK; bike lanes and paths made for a less harrowing ride. And then I hit what I feared – a large hill. I had no legs, I had no water and was dehydrating, but all I could do was put the bike in lowest gear and crawl up the hill. But the hill went on and on, it seemed like it would never end. I put my mind in a zone and just kept the gears cranking, but it was too much. As the hill continued with no end in sight, I cursed and yelled. I was cursing at God. I couldn't believe that there was this huge hill at the very end of the ride. This was surely some cruel joke God was having fun with.
Finally I reached the top. My legs were wasted and I just coasted on the downhill. And then I couldn't believe it, another hill looking even longer! I was cracking, I wasn't psychologically prepared for it, but I kept pushing up the hill. My mind was racing and I was trying to calm it. Why a hill at the very end of the ride? The end is where I needed it to be flat and be able to take it easy to the finish. Anywhere else a huge hill would have been better. When I reached the top, I didn't trust it. I coasted down the hills actively relaxing my legs waiting for the next hill.
The downhill didn't feel nearly as long as the uphill, but it finally leveled out without another uphill, but it still wasn't easy. I was crawling along until I finally saw the sign for South Lake Tahoe. It was an experience, and an accomplishment; an accomplishment I'd like to forget.
Seven hours on the saddle. Something NOT in my ability to do.
***************************
I thought I had wrecked my knees on the ride, but on Monday morning they felt fine, so I decided to ride into work. When I got to work, my back was starting to get sore.
The soreness continued through Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning, I woke up and I could barely move. It took all the effort I could muster to simply turn over. Then I had to climb down off my loft bed, and get ready for work. It took me forever to get to work because I had to walk slow step by slow, painful step. I took Muni because there was no way I could ride.
When I got to work, walking like a zombie, I immediately asked Zenaida, a co-worker, to get me a phone book and I called my chiropractor, Dr. Wonson, and got an appointment for 10:00. Aside from falling in love with her, her treatment got me through the rest of the day, but I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it. I made it to rehearsal that night, though. Sitting and playing drums wasn't too bad.
On Thursday morning, my back was just as bad. I had an appointment with Dr. Wonson at 2:15, so I had to get through the day until then. Afterwards, I was well enough to stay late at work. I hadn't been able to get much work done and I was falling way behind and I'm going on vacation next week.
Friday morning was a little better. It wasn't as hard getting out of bed, and I had an appointment for 9:30, so I went to work, turned on my computer and then went to see Dr. Wonson. It was still hard getting through the day, I was pretty stiff, but I could definitely feel I was getting better.
Dr. Wonson showed me my X-rays and showed me how bad it was. My spine was distinctly bent to the left. Barb, one of my co-workers who once was studying to go into physical therapy, reasoned that the 72 mile ride around Tahoe with monster hills, on a bike that was several inches too big, tweaked my muscles so hard that now they were wrenching my spine off center. Dr. Wonson was working to get my muscles and bones back to normal. The first thing she noted when she examined me was that my back muscles were really cold, indicating that my circulation was really bad.
Although I was much better on Friday, Dr. Wonson wasn't really satisfied with my progress. She had been heating my back muscles and adjusting me and I was still pretty bad off. She ran me through some acupressure exercises and decided she wanted to start me on acupuncture on Monday. After one exercise she asked me if I was going through any stress.
Was I going through stress?!! Let me tell you stress!
I didn't say that, but I told her about Ritu and work. Somehow, from the exercise, she felt there was some other external factors contributing to the problem.
***************************
My back really overshadowed my transition at work. The new attorney, Theresa, came in on Monday and she's learning the ropes at the firm, so we haven't had much interaction aside from introduction, but my cases are gradually going to be transferred to her. Angela apparently is not pleased that she didn't get me on her team, but there is no way that I can work for Angela.
This morning I had the easiest time getting out of bed since Wednesday. I had no problem turning over. I'm still stiff, but I'm much more mobile than I have been. It still hurts to stand up, but I'm feeling positive about recovering.
What a month it has been. Everything had been going so well until August 1st when Ritu hit the wall. That was the day I took off from work to take care of the psychic convergence that occurred at the end of July, when everything ran down. Somehow I must have sensed what was going to happen. If it hadn't happened? It had to have happened. It couldn't have gone on the way it was going. But if it didn't happen, things would have gone on normally.
Theresa would have joined the firm without affecting me at all, I wouldn't have had to deal with Angela and Stacey concerning my new assignment. But the cases I had that were floundering would still be floundering under Ritu. I had cases that had huge problems and Ritu wasn't doing anything to help me fix them. Would I have gone to Tahoe? I don't know, I may not have felt the need to get out of town. Considering the aftermath of going to Tahoe, I would bet that I wouldn't have gone.
***************************
We all have to die some time. I was thinking hard about that today on my way home from doing overtime at work. Passing all the people out on a Saturday night, old people who were walking like me, like they were in pain. I never thought that they might be in pain, I just thought of them as old. Young people searching for something to do, having fun, healthy, lives in front of them, going through their own dramas, taking for granted that they could walk. Homeless people, disfigured people, babies in strollers, tourists from out of town, taxi drivers at their jobs.
We all have to die some time. I thought really hard about that fact. We all have to die some time. We are all going to die some time. We will die as plainly as we are living. But we have no problem dealing with the issue that we are alive. We do have a problem, as a society, dealing with the fact that we will die, of our mortality. If we are so unhealthy about the way we treat and deal with death. We can't be very healthy about the way we treat and deal with life. Ain’t that the truth?
On Saturday when they went to the wedding, I decided to rent a bike and ride around the Lake. I figured it couldn't be that hard. The shoreline measured about 71 miles, but since it's around a lake, it must be flat, right? Right?! And 71 miles was just a little more than twice the length of the Tour de Peninsula. No problem, right? Right?!
I started in South Lake Tahoe and started going counter-clockwise around the Lake on Route 50. It wasn't easy, it was very, very hard.
The shoreline of Lake Tahoe being mostly private property, the only way around is to stay on the paved roads, minor highways really, certainly not flat. For some reason, this discovery did not deter my original justification for why it shouldn't be a problem riding around the Lake.
I encountered a considerable hill after not long, but I was pretty fresh so it wasn't too bad. I was actually psyched going up it, like I was conquering it. Il Pirata eat your heart out (not!).
The hill peaked at the intersection of Rte 50 and Rte 28, and I went down the hill of Rte 28, and as I was going down I started questioning whether I could make it all the way around. Hill descended, I stopped to rest at a place called Sand Harbor which was at Lake level. It had taken me two hours to get there and it was only one third the way around. If I wanted to turn around and go back, I would have to tackle that hill again, not an attractive prospect. Maybe the rest of the way around the lake was fairly flat. I decided to push on, relying on that unfounded belief, and accepting the fact that this was not going to be an easy ride.
An easy ride it was not - I continued but I realized that I was losing my legs. I stopped to get something to eat at a bagel shop, but it didn't help much. Eventually, even small upgrades became a challenge and slowed me down. I started getting cramps in my legs and had to stop and stretch every once in a while. At least I was right about it being fairly flat. Well, mostly right. After a while, I had no legs left, but I pushed on by sheer will. I gained some energy as I made it to the two-thirds mark and had a feeling I could really accomplish this.
The last third started off OK; bike lanes and paths made for a less harrowing ride. And then I hit what I feared – a large hill. I had no legs, I had no water and was dehydrating, but all I could do was put the bike in lowest gear and crawl up the hill. But the hill went on and on, it seemed like it would never end. I put my mind in a zone and just kept the gears cranking, but it was too much. As the hill continued with no end in sight, I cursed and yelled. I was cursing at God. I couldn't believe that there was this huge hill at the very end of the ride. This was surely some cruel joke God was having fun with.
Finally I reached the top. My legs were wasted and I just coasted on the downhill. And then I couldn't believe it, another hill looking even longer! I was cracking, I wasn't psychologically prepared for it, but I kept pushing up the hill. My mind was racing and I was trying to calm it. Why a hill at the very end of the ride? The end is where I needed it to be flat and be able to take it easy to the finish. Anywhere else a huge hill would have been better. When I reached the top, I didn't trust it. I coasted down the hills actively relaxing my legs waiting for the next hill.
The downhill didn't feel nearly as long as the uphill, but it finally leveled out without another uphill, but it still wasn't easy. I was crawling along until I finally saw the sign for South Lake Tahoe. It was an experience, and an accomplishment; an accomplishment I'd like to forget.
Seven hours on the saddle. Something NOT in my ability to do.
***************************
I thought I had wrecked my knees on the ride, but on Monday morning they felt fine, so I decided to ride into work. When I got to work, my back was starting to get sore.
The soreness continued through Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning, I woke up and I could barely move. It took all the effort I could muster to simply turn over. Then I had to climb down off my loft bed, and get ready for work. It took me forever to get to work because I had to walk slow step by slow, painful step. I took Muni because there was no way I could ride.
When I got to work, walking like a zombie, I immediately asked Zenaida, a co-worker, to get me a phone book and I called my chiropractor, Dr. Wonson, and got an appointment for 10:00. Aside from falling in love with her, her treatment got me through the rest of the day, but I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it. I made it to rehearsal that night, though. Sitting and playing drums wasn't too bad.
On Thursday morning, my back was just as bad. I had an appointment with Dr. Wonson at 2:15, so I had to get through the day until then. Afterwards, I was well enough to stay late at work. I hadn't been able to get much work done and I was falling way behind and I'm going on vacation next week.
Friday morning was a little better. It wasn't as hard getting out of bed, and I had an appointment for 9:30, so I went to work, turned on my computer and then went to see Dr. Wonson. It was still hard getting through the day, I was pretty stiff, but I could definitely feel I was getting better.
Dr. Wonson showed me my X-rays and showed me how bad it was. My spine was distinctly bent to the left. Barb, one of my co-workers who once was studying to go into physical therapy, reasoned that the 72 mile ride around Tahoe with monster hills, on a bike that was several inches too big, tweaked my muscles so hard that now they were wrenching my spine off center. Dr. Wonson was working to get my muscles and bones back to normal. The first thing she noted when she examined me was that my back muscles were really cold, indicating that my circulation was really bad.
Although I was much better on Friday, Dr. Wonson wasn't really satisfied with my progress. She had been heating my back muscles and adjusting me and I was still pretty bad off. She ran me through some acupressure exercises and decided she wanted to start me on acupuncture on Monday. After one exercise she asked me if I was going through any stress.
Was I going through stress?!! Let me tell you stress!
I didn't say that, but I told her about Ritu and work. Somehow, from the exercise, she felt there was some other external factors contributing to the problem.
***************************
My back really overshadowed my transition at work. The new attorney, Theresa, came in on Monday and she's learning the ropes at the firm, so we haven't had much interaction aside from introduction, but my cases are gradually going to be transferred to her. Angela apparently is not pleased that she didn't get me on her team, but there is no way that I can work for Angela.
This morning I had the easiest time getting out of bed since Wednesday. I had no problem turning over. I'm still stiff, but I'm much more mobile than I have been. It still hurts to stand up, but I'm feeling positive about recovering.
What a month it has been. Everything had been going so well until August 1st when Ritu hit the wall. That was the day I took off from work to take care of the psychic convergence that occurred at the end of July, when everything ran down. Somehow I must have sensed what was going to happen. If it hadn't happened? It had to have happened. It couldn't have gone on the way it was going. But if it didn't happen, things would have gone on normally.
Theresa would have joined the firm without affecting me at all, I wouldn't have had to deal with Angela and Stacey concerning my new assignment. But the cases I had that were floundering would still be floundering under Ritu. I had cases that had huge problems and Ritu wasn't doing anything to help me fix them. Would I have gone to Tahoe? I don't know, I may not have felt the need to get out of town. Considering the aftermath of going to Tahoe, I would bet that I wouldn't have gone.
***************************
We all have to die some time. I was thinking hard about that today on my way home from doing overtime at work. Passing all the people out on a Saturday night, old people who were walking like me, like they were in pain. I never thought that they might be in pain, I just thought of them as old. Young people searching for something to do, having fun, healthy, lives in front of them, going through their own dramas, taking for granted that they could walk. Homeless people, disfigured people, babies in strollers, tourists from out of town, taxi drivers at their jobs.
We all have to die some time. I thought really hard about that fact. We all have to die some time. We are all going to die some time. We will die as plainly as we are living. But we have no problem dealing with the issue that we are alive. We do have a problem, as a society, dealing with the fact that we will die, of our mortality. If we are so unhealthy about the way we treat and deal with death. We can't be very healthy about the way we treat and deal with life. Ain’t that the truth?
Thursday, August 17, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu called from New York. Neeta and Rahul succeeded. She's going to a rehab center in Upstate that Somini knew about and arranged. Ritu's parents now know the full situation. Actually, I think they knew of the situation a few days ago, but Ritu now has faced them knowing they know the full situation. She has nothing more to fear about them anymore. She is in New York, her family is there, her social support network is there. She’s away from this awful, distant place for which she had nary a good word, for which she was only present for a boyfriend. The rehab program is a month long and she thinks she’s coming right back to work. I don’t think that’s a good idea and I don’t think that’s going to happen. She has no reason to come back out here.
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu did make it in yesterday afternoon. Apparently Tina refuses to talk about what happened and refused to talk to Anita. She made it in yesterday, but she didn't last long. I think they kicked her out today. I was supposed to have a case meeting with Angela today, but we ended up dealing with Ritu and her cousin and brother, Neeta and Rahul, who were flying in. Neeta and Rahul came first to the office to be briefed by Angela and me, while apparently Ritu was sitting outside her apartment since she didn't have her keys.
We gave our opinions and recommendations. We believed that the most favorable course of action was for them to get Ritu and fly her back to New York immediately. We warned that Ritu might resist, and if she did, we recommended that Neeta's father fly out to get her. We strongly advised that her father not come out. Neeta and Rahul concurred with just about everything. They've known her for much longer.
Ritu is totally spiraling down. I recognize it. I even reflected upon my own experience to inform my recommendations on how Ritu should be handled. I even had some benign flashbacks of memories that I had forgotten. She's no where near rock bottom yet. Through these manic, psychotic weeks, the breakdowns, the drinking, the whimpering and whining, the thoughts of suicide, she was on the way down, but no where near.
That wasn't rock bottom. Trying to commit suicide is not rock bottom. She was resisting on Monday morning and delaying going to rehab. When she got there she was asking questions about whether she had her own room and the food and the cleanliness of the bathrooms. In her well-kempt psychotic state, I imagine. But you don't think of those things when you've hit rock bottom. You can think of those things when you're still on the way down.
Rock bottom is when you've survived suicide and realize that it isn't the solution that it had provided. Rock bottom is when you've had your freedom stripped away from you and suicide has faded as an option. Rock bottom is when you have to start looking up because there is no further to look down. Rock bottom is when you realize you have to start crawling back up out of the hole you've dug for yourself. And Ritu is no where near.
We gave our opinions and recommendations. We believed that the most favorable course of action was for them to get Ritu and fly her back to New York immediately. We warned that Ritu might resist, and if she did, we recommended that Neeta's father fly out to get her. We strongly advised that her father not come out. Neeta and Rahul concurred with just about everything. They've known her for much longer.
Ritu is totally spiraling down. I recognize it. I even reflected upon my own experience to inform my recommendations on how Ritu should be handled. I even had some benign flashbacks of memories that I had forgotten. She's no where near rock bottom yet. Through these manic, psychotic weeks, the breakdowns, the drinking, the whimpering and whining, the thoughts of suicide, she was on the way down, but no where near.
That wasn't rock bottom. Trying to commit suicide is not rock bottom. She was resisting on Monday morning and delaying going to rehab. When she got there she was asking questions about whether she had her own room and the food and the cleanliness of the bathrooms. In her well-kempt psychotic state, I imagine. But you don't think of those things when you've hit rock bottom. You can think of those things when you're still on the way down.
Rock bottom is when you've survived suicide and realize that it isn't the solution that it had provided. Rock bottom is when you've had your freedom stripped away from you and suicide has faded as an option. Rock bottom is when you have to start looking up because there is no further to look down. Rock bottom is when you realize you have to start crawling back up out of the hole you've dug for yourself. And Ritu is no where near.
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I took today off from work. Last Tuesday Ritu was committed by her boyfriend because he thought she was trying to kill herself. By law, apparently, she could only be committed for 72 hours. She wasn't even in for that long. Her friend Somini, a reporter for the New York Times, flew out and took her out of the hospital and placed Ritu on 24-hour watch.
Apparently Somini got her share of abuse, including being assaulted by her on the street and eventually being kicked out of the apartment, which led to her departure. The watch, however, continued with various friends and associates, including Angela who took a 14-hour watch Saturday into Sunday morning. No one was able to keep Ritu from drinking.
Anita took over watch on Sunday and she wanted me to help her out at some point. She was scared and knew that she couldn't handle her alone. I understood, I sure couldn't. I went over in the evening and we spent the evening drinking and smoking. We weren't going to fight her, knowing the futility. So we placated her to numbness. I knew when to stop smoking, then when to stop drinking, and then when to leave. Anita was to stay over all night and Ritu's friend, Tina, was to take her into rehab on Monday morning.
She didn't make it. She finished off a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the morning and the rehab center refused to admit her. Tina gave Anita a big lecture about enabling Ritu, but then Tina was going to watch her until today. That made me laugh, knowing what Tina was in for. I don't know if she made it in. I can't wait to hear what Tina went through.
Apparently Somini got her share of abuse, including being assaulted by her on the street and eventually being kicked out of the apartment, which led to her departure. The watch, however, continued with various friends and associates, including Angela who took a 14-hour watch Saturday into Sunday morning. No one was able to keep Ritu from drinking.
Anita took over watch on Sunday and she wanted me to help her out at some point. She was scared and knew that she couldn't handle her alone. I understood, I sure couldn't. I went over in the evening and we spent the evening drinking and smoking. We weren't going to fight her, knowing the futility. So we placated her to numbness. I knew when to stop smoking, then when to stop drinking, and then when to leave. Anita was to stay over all night and Ritu's friend, Tina, was to take her into rehab on Monday morning.
She didn't make it. She finished off a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the morning and the rehab center refused to admit her. Tina gave Anita a big lecture about enabling Ritu, but then Tina was going to watch her until today. That made me laugh, knowing what Tina was in for. I don't know if she made it in. I can't wait to hear what Tina went through.
Tuesday, August 08, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu is officially gone. She's on a leave of absence, but I don't think she'll come back to the firm. I also don't think she's going to check into a mental ward even though she needs the 24 hour attention. I don't think she's going to deal with her substantive issues. She's going to run away and hide from them.
I'm being farmed out to Angela's team for the next week, and then I'm joining the team for the new attorney who's coming in on August 21st. I'll be on Josefa's team. Josefa will be the team leader. Josefa is currently on vacation, she has no idea what has happened.
I'm being farmed out to Angela's team for the next week, and then I'm joining the team for the new attorney who's coming in on August 21st. I'll be on Josefa's team. Josefa will be the team leader. Josefa is currently on vacation, she has no idea what has happened.
Monday, August 07, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu quit and she's going to check herself into a psychiatric ward. She called me in the morning asking me to drive her to work. No fucking way. Then after I got to work, she wanted me to take a cab to get her. I refused. I told her if she needed me to escort her to work, she shouldn't come in at all. She hung up on me.
She did make it in. She then announced that she was quitting. Good for her. Good riddance.
She is the most fucked up, manipulative, controlling, unrepentant, unremorseful, selfish, shameless, spineless, immature, undeveloped, unappreciative person I've ever met. All she does is put out bad energy. She has no substance. Her boyfriend moved out and so her entire personality is melting down? She has completely built a facade, a wall of delusion and deception around her. She has no soul, she has no self. I can't believe Anita has been friends with her for this long.
She did make it in. She then announced that she was quitting. Good for her. Good riddance.
She is the most fucked up, manipulative, controlling, unrepentant, unremorseful, selfish, shameless, spineless, immature, undeveloped, unappreciative person I've ever met. All she does is put out bad energy. She has no substance. Her boyfriend moved out and so her entire personality is melting down? She has completely built a facade, a wall of delusion and deception around her. She has no soul, she has no self. I can't believe Anita has been friends with her for this long.
Sunday, August 06, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I did my second Tour de Peninsula this morning. It was great doing it on my Peugeot. I can't believe I did it last year on the Fuji, but it was a delight on the Peugeot. I rode the 33 miles in 1 hour and 57 minutes, averaging 16.6 miles per hour with a top speed of 40 miles an hour. It was absolutely exhilarating. The hills were so easy, I can't believe so many people had trouble on them. They were long, but not steep at all.
Saturday, August 05, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu called me at 10 in the morning to whine some more. Fortunately, I had rehearsal at 11, which was why I even answered the phone at all, so I got her off my back.
Later in the afternoon, she managed to catch me again. It was weird. Someone said she might call me to do something later, but I told her that I was avoiding Ritu, so I told her to use a code: ring once and then call again. So later in the afternoon, the phone rings once, stops, and then starts ringing again. I assume it's her. It's not, it's fucking Ritu! I was getting frustrated with her idiocy and started playing hardball with her and moralizing and she hung up on me. She tried calling back twice in the next 20 minutes, but I ignored it.
Later in the afternoon, she managed to catch me again. It was weird. Someone said she might call me to do something later, but I told her that I was avoiding Ritu, so I told her to use a code: ring once and then call again. So later in the afternoon, the phone rings once, stops, and then starts ringing again. I assume it's her. It's not, it's fucking Ritu! I was getting frustrated with her idiocy and started playing hardball with her and moralizing and she hung up on me. She tried calling back twice in the next 20 minutes, but I ignored it.
Friday, August 04, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu’s pathetic streak continues. She called me at work from Peter’s friend’s house asking me to drive her home because she left her wallet at home and didn’t have money for Muni. She kept me on the phone all day to distract her. Her pathetic whimpering cries of “what do I do?” really got no sympathy from me. I refused to leave work to get my car to drive her home. She puts out a lot of negative energy into the world every day, it’s not for me to say, but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if she deserves what she’s going through. Maybe not “deserves”, but she brings her situation onto herself.
Thursday, August 03, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Ritu is totally crumbling. She's really pathetic. She is so tough and hard on the outside, who would have guessed that she has absolutely no substance on the inside. Once her supports are kicked out from under her, she turns into a shameless, whining, babbling, pathetic, manipulative child. She keeps asking what to do, but she doesn't want to do anything, she wants comfort and ease handed to her on a silver platter. She's a spoiled brat.
Peter moved out to a friend's house. His friend is out of town for a while and let Peter stay at his place. Ritu wanted me to drive her over there. Pathetic. She couldn't walk, she couldn't take Muni, she claimed cabs don't come to her neighborhood at night. Whatever. I dragged it out as long as possible and then I took her there. I wasn't going to be her chauffeur. I made her prepare herself and know exactly why she was going and what she was going to do and not going to do when she got there. I didn’t want to take her there just to fuck things up. After I dropped her off, I knew she was going to fuck things up. Tomorrow I certainly won’t be in any rush to get to work.
Peter moved out to a friend's house. His friend is out of town for a while and let Peter stay at his place. Ritu wanted me to drive her over there. Pathetic. She couldn't walk, she couldn't take Muni, she claimed cabs don't come to her neighborhood at night. Whatever. I dragged it out as long as possible and then I took her there. I wasn't going to be her chauffeur. I made her prepare herself and know exactly why she was going and what she was going to do and not going to do when she got there. I didn’t want to take her there just to fuck things up. After I dropped her off, I knew she was going to fuck things up. Tomorrow I certainly won’t be in any rush to get to work.
Wednesday, August 02, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
Shit is hitting the fan for Ritu. Her boyfriend, Peter, is moving out. He doesn't want to renew their lease at the end of the month. She was totally dysfunctional at work and left early. Apparently it started yesterday, but I wasn't at work to experience it. More like take the brunt of it. Moving out sounds pretty serious, but I'm not sure what it means.
Tuesday, August 01, 2000
1557 Noe St., San Francisco
I took today off from work to take care of the phone and my car. Rosalie got back last night. We went for brunch down on 24th St., and then waited for the phone guy to come. PG&E were working outside, digging holes in my driveway, so I couldn't take care of my car until they were done.
PG&E were wrapping things up at around 3:00 and they came in to turn the gas back on. When they filled in the holes in the driveway, Rosalie called AAA to jump start my car. And then the phone guy came. The AAA guy jumped my car and said I should leave it running because the battery was totally dead. It wouldn't start again if I turned it off. So we waited until the phone guy was done, and then Rosalie came with me to buy a new car battery.
By the end of the day, things were pretty much back to normal.
PG&E were wrapping things up at around 3:00 and they came in to turn the gas back on. When they filled in the holes in the driveway, Rosalie called AAA to jump start my car. And then the phone guy came. The AAA guy jumped my car and said I should leave it running because the battery was totally dead. It wouldn't start again if I turned it off. So we waited until the phone guy was done, and then Rosalie came with me to buy a new car battery.
By the end of the day, things were pretty much back to normal.
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