Third World House, Oberlin OH

The heron that imitates the crane
Technique is not enough to master something, one must transcend ability to unconsciousness. I’m trying to transcend without having even the technique.
WorthbeliefsvaluesIholdworthy
What is my ? Am I of my ? Of the ? Am I just ?
Color, pomp, and ego
lack the meansthe abilitythe training
to properly set out and accomplish or at least pursue the ideal
I have seriously begun to doubt myself and my ability.
Enhancement of those thingsreform my perspective
leavethiscountryandtobecomearecluseandlivelifesimply
andpurposelesslyhavingnothingtodowithpeopleexceptaclose circleofcompanions
two optionscontrary to my intentions
The favorable one was to a final decision is in store. I think
that I write my second option to handle the sole concern
in regards to this option, there had been Sakuko into effect but now that out, how and values it is so that places and how I have wanted.

Third World House, Oberlin OH

I was visiting Cindy at Asia House and we were talking by candlelight. A huge moth came fluttering in, attracted to the light, and we watched it as it dove into the flames and fluttered to the tabletop with singed wings. It would bat its wings like it was writhing in pain and the moment it was able to get airborne, it would plunge into the flame again, sometimes splashing a drop of wax, sometimes falling to the tabletop, sometimes being able to keep flight only to make another pass. Cindy and I just watched. Eventually it burned itself to death and lay limp at the candle base. Suicide by blind attraction. What was its secret, the secret it was hiding?

We don’t care what the light does to us with our single-minded goal to be closer and ever so closer to the light. No attention to wings being seared and singed; we are moths, not wings. We know exactly what we do because we just do it; the purest of doings. Death throes of ultimate ecstasy. Purification. Or enlightenment. So to speak.

Third World House, Oberlin OH

What shambles my life has fallen into. I got a loving and endearing letter from Sakuko. We write to each other all the time, almost everyday I send something off to her and receive something from her. It’s really wonderful and it’s hard to believe I can put so much of my heart and soul into a person. The girl from all those songs.

If we hadn’t fallen in love, the rest of my life would be set. I don’t think she’s changed anything but she’s making it a lot more difficult. But I have to wonder if this is only working because it’s a long distance relationship and we don’t have to deal with the daily stresses of being together. I tend to get sick of people I get close to. Would this be any different?

What vow can I make to Sakuko that will last? I’ve gone through this before and have always proven fallible, false. Have I made all the vows I can and failed them all? I will make no vows. She isn’t life itself. She isn’t the sun, the moon, and stars. She isn’t the perfect woman or the girl from all those songs. Sakuko just is and we are just us and now we are together.

Third World House, Oberlin OH

So how did I get into this mess? Well, did anybody ask me what I wanted to do? Did anybody tell me that the only thing that matters is how you come across and not what or who you are? And so here I am perpetually picking up pieces of my own failures and inabilities. I’m so severely limited. I can’t do anything. No value here.

Third World House, Oberlin OH

I want to die more than ever. Being in love hasn’t changed that. It’s real. I think I want even more to die, but I’m not sure I can explain why. The question then is what do I think I’m doing? A relationship is responsibility and it is extremely remiss to love someone and have someone love me, knowing that I plan to leave. Sakuko may not be my proverbial “soul mate”, but I really do love her. It’s a love like I’ve never felt before, she definitely is triggering something in me.

Some kinds of pure love mean spending the rest of lives with each other. I don’t think I understand that kind of love. My kind of love is more like a spark for a second, still pure and beautiful, but brief, a flash. I just don’t like living and love doesn’t make me want to.