247 19th Ave., #2 San Francisco

Things are a little better. I'm monitoring myself closely and so I think maybe I was over-reacting and things aren't as bad as I thought. My life is definitely in a down period, but it may not be as dreadful and depressing as it was years ago.

Or was it? How exactly good is my memory of those events? I doubt it was constant depression. I doubt that I was always fully aware that something was wrong. It is only in retrospect that I simplify the whole period and define it as having been really, really bad. All of it. But that's probably not true. I probably had plenty of good moments and good times back then. So things probably are as bad now as they were then and I should check my optimism in times that I think things are all right.

Things haven't gotten any better. Some good things have been happening in my life and I've been occasionally happy, but I shouldn't be fooled by those things. All I need to do is look into the wings, look at the periphery of my eyesight and see that things are still blurred and distorted. When I'm touched by calls from Diem, Vikki, and Shiho, it is still abstract and through a fog. None of them are here, none of them are real.

What am I missing about my own life? There are some distinct patterns here that I'm not recognizing and that I'm not interpreting. There's a distinct difference between what I want and what I keep getting, and it's about time that I realize it's more about me and my nature, rather than what the outside world is dealing to me.

All the people in my life belong in my life because I've brought them here. Why do I keep putting them down and telling myself I need new friends or that I need to get away from Joy? Lisa and Nobuko are my friends because they are the type of friends I have. Vikki, Diem, and Shiho are far away because those are the kinds of long-distance relationships I'm suppose to have. Is it a coincidence that I have trouble with the friends who are in close proximity here and that I think my relationships with those people far away are so wonderful? After all, they're not.

I feel what I feel about the people in the Bay Area because they are in the Bay Area and I feel what I feel about people far away because they are far away. It has nothing to do with them as people. What I feel about them is what I've created them to be according to distance, just like the fantasy of Shiho. Pretty weird, hard to accept. It's hard to accept that I would treat Shiho the way I treat Joy, or that I would get bored with Vikki or Diem. But possible. Very, very possible.