For some reason I’ve always thought that people only lost me. I’ve always thought that I don’t lose people and that I never got so attached to people that I could “lose” them. I’ve always thought that I’ve been invulnerable to that and that I could just let them go. I’ve always been grateful for that insensitivity. But that’s exactly what it’s turning out to be - an insensitivity, a numbness, a deadness.
I have lost a lot of people, people that I didn’t want to lose, people that I chased away. I keep building a life around people who get close to me. I make it feel so permanent and plan the future and then I go and topple and destroy it.
Sakuko and I are breaking up. It was really weird, too. We just sat down and decided to separate. I don’t want to but I don’t want to turn back now. I have a pain, a growing loneliness inside me. A severe self-destructive hate. I’ve betrayed all that I’m supposed to be true to. I’ve breached my own truths and living a great delusion. I’m slipping again, maybe I didn’t get so much better last Summer. Or it was just another illusion.
