What is the truth I’m searching for? It has nothing to do with faith, belief, or desire. It’s just something known, it’s what I just know is true. Truth is in intuition, it is whatever clicks as truth when it is encountered. The truth isn’t in learnings, sutras, doctrines or discourse, although in those you can find directions and arrows pointing. Knowledge isn’t truth, it’s just a reservoir of information from which to excise truth.
Whatever is not truth is delusion. The physical world is not truth, it’s delusion. Unfortunately, I can’t tell when something isn’t delusion. Not even knowledge of the fact is any help. My realization that something is delusion doesn’t do anything to help me see beyond it. Being aware of delusions is not the key to get rid of them. It only means that delusions exist and are also real.
How can I even think about having a family and raising kids? I keep thinking about how sacred family is, but for most part, family members treat each other like shit, and I look at my family and there’s not much to look at. I would want any family that I’m responsible for to recognize the meaning of that bond and the gift of such a unit. But how do you reproduce and pass on those kindnesses and values concerning family? How can you make sure they’re reciprocated and then ultimately reproduced again? This is pointless; you can’t.
There’s always gonna be a bad egg in any family. There will always be a jerk who, even if kindnesses are extended, will use family as an excuse to take advantage of them. Family is such a gift, peace in the family is such a gift, how do you express that and pass it on? It’s such a gift to pass on joy and to make others smile.
I wonder where I got these values. Why did I reject the ‘rent’s shit-for-values? How did I know they opposed my nature? It definitely was a matter of survival. If I wasn’t true to myself, I don’t think I could have survived. So no matter how hard they pushed and how insidious their methods, I never lost sight of what the stakes were and I kept angry and used my anger as a shield against them. It was a reactionary response.
I’m not sure when the anger started. As far back as I had awareness of it, I hated their values and reacted against them. Where they neglected the value of family, I learned to appreciate it. Where they were inflexible, I learned to appreciate flexibility. Where they were closed-minded, I appreciated open-mindedness. Where they didn’t communicate, I learned to value communication. Where they raised us like it was their obligation, I learned courtesy. In a twisted way I appreciate that the ‘rents are such jerks. It allowed me to develop into the character I am now and I wouldn’t change it for most part.
