Dear Luyen,
You have been disappearing from my life for a long time on many different levels. I know I have been active in allowing you to not only distance, but really disappear. Nevertheless, I now feel the shocks of our imminent separation which saddens and frustrates me on various levels. These are shocks that are afraid of the change, afraid of the separation from you even though things between us have soured. Afraid because things hadn’t been resolved. Afraid because there will be no more chances or opportunities to work things out. We struggled with each other all semester and now it feels like we’ve failed to be what we wanted to be to each other.
Things changed. At one point we were perfect together and then we weren’t. Something happened, and something changed. I could have sworn that it was you who changed because at one point you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and then suddenly I had no idea who you were or what I was doing with you. But what happened between us so perfectly matches the patterns of my other relationships that I’ve begun to doubt myself and wonder if it was me.
It’s an identifiable pattern. Things would get uncomfortable, communication would break down, I would become extremely critical and deny that things could get better. Distance would fester and grow, relations would deteriorate, tension would build to a final separation and separating would be a big relief. I finally realized that it was me, that there was nothing wrong with the other person, and I promised that it would never happen again because I felt the pain it caused was a crime. Yet here I am again.
It’s too late for us to go back and be happy. Too much has happened. And with my future so boldly in front of me, I have no desire to have anything short of happiness attaching me to the States. I want to leave for good, and I wonder about what I take with me and what I leave behind. There was you who was always right there, fun, made me smile, made me happy. And there was you who rarely gave a decent greeting, somber and brooding, socially impossible, beyond recognition or familiarity.
How I want you to get well and work through all the issues that cloud your thoughts and feelings. How I wish you would at least acknowledge that I will only take the good memories, remember only that part of you. Is that really only half of the story? I want the Luyen from last semester back, even if we can’t get back together. I want the Luyen I loved back then. Not you, I don’t want you. That’s how much you’ve changed, but I know who you were back then is still somewhere there.
I know that the person you’ve become is who you are, and no doubt you like elements of who you are now. But the anger and resentment that has been accumulating this past semester is baggage that is too heavy, and I’m not going to carry it around with me, I’m not going to leave with it.
The time we had was too short. Part of me regrets not being able to be here longer and stick it out and see what develops with you and between us. But most of me will feel a heavy weight lifted. And I’m sorry about that, just as I’m sorry about the so many things that happened this semester. I’m sorry for what we became to each other last semester. I’m sorry we didn’t have a breakthrough, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more supportive or insightful.
I know where you are because I’ve been there before and it took me a long time to get myself out. I doubt anyone else could have helped, it was something I had to do myself. Maybe that’s the case with you, and if anyone did try to help me, they would have gotten similarly burned. Maybe someone did, I don’t remember very well. The only reason why I know what I know now is because of what I went through. To think I could spare you the experience was probably naive.
I thought that you were my opportunity for penance for what I subjected people to when I was going through my problems. I thought that the way to make up for what I did was to help someone who is in a similar situation as I was in. I tried, I didn’t run away, I confronted you and tried to stay with you, but I still failed. And now I leave and can only hope that you will go home and be strong and confident. Listen to yourself, know yourself and who you really want to be.
