Time doesn’t exist anymore. I’m here. I do what I do. Day in, day out, I don’t have to be conscious what day it is or how many days have passed.
Madoka left for the States today and I feel empty and alone without her. She is just amazing, so good at being her, so good at being Madoka, and that I admire most of all. Without her I would be lost here and would have absolutely nothing going for me. Her leaving makes me really want to appreciate all I have, including Sakura.
Sakura and I are on our own now. We have to figure out what our real relationship is. Madoka acted as a junction, or buffer through whom our relative energy was channeled. I need to be more actively patient and tolerant without Madoka. The three of us got together for the last time on Saturday, and out of tact and respect, Sakura and I didn’t plan another rehearsal until she left. So we’re getting together tomorrow.
It’s rainy and windy because a typhoon is moving in. I thought it was appropriate to take a long, long walk down the Yodogawa. I actually couldn’t have gone that far, several miles, but in a foreign land in an area I’ve never been, I was in another world. It was a journey to get there, not just a short drive down the river.
My cousin Mi-chan has two sons, Hiroaki and Te-chan, ages 5 and 3 respectively. They spend most of their time upstairs with their grandparents because both Mi-chan and his wife, Hiromi, work. They are hyperactive and on the verge of fighting age. They are really violent and destructive, and whenever they find something new to play with, or when they receive a new toy, their first impulse is to destroy it. They are uncontrollable to the point of frustration. They are a potent birth control for witnesses. It may not be the reason Mi-Chan and Hiromi leave them here all day, and I’m not saying it isn’t, but I would certainly understand if it was.
I find it fascinating, though, as I watch them, and feel frustration inside me at their recklessness and their unpredictability. They are unable at this age to establish value and connect what action leads to what effect, like breaking things or hurting each other. Putting it that way, not too different from adults. I thought it might be how God, or Allah for lack of a better term and totally open to subjective interpretation, may be “watching” us. I don’t want to anthropomorphize Allah, so these human verbs are used for lack of anything more appropriate.
So much to learn from children, that’s what Prof. Morris had said as he is raising a family now. I thought he was referring to the obvious, that children have a more pure approach to life that is lost upon the initiation to a jaded and judgmental adulthood. That adults have much to learn from watching children about life and growing and about how we should approach the world.
Maybe that’s what he meant. But then maybe he was referring to the relationship between parent and child as a metaphor between Allah and humans, and that is what is there to learn. Look at how we view children and that is how Allah views us. It’s totally subjective, and Allah is vast and indescribable, but we don’t need to understand Allah since we are the children in the metaphor. Do the children have the slightest idea of what’s in the adult mind? Children can only understand what we send them by how they interpret what we send them. That’s why we have touch, feelings, senses, and knowledge, they are tangible things that we can interpret.
Sakura, Madoka, and I used to have some awesome discussions. I realize now that I can talk to Sakura about these things because she was an open enough channel to listen and accept the possibility of these things. She knows a lot of the basics that I do. There’s still something missing there, or different, so we don’t completely click. It’s superficial, it’s just words.
Shiho is coming this weekend. Why am I holding my breath? That name. Shiho. She’s still here. All my learning occurred after she left, but she’s still here and an important part of my life. But how does she fit in my now with Amina? Now of Amina? In Japan? What am I saying? She doesn’t write that often.
