I wondered aloud to Pasha recently how peculiar my life is. Why is it exactly the way it has ended up? It's so easy for it to have been so different. Small differences could have had such huge impacts. Things that were a given but could so easily have been different.
"Tender Mercies" was on TV. I had forgotten about that movie. It had been on the film syllabus for Prof. Morris's class. What a perfect title, so fitting to catch that on TV now.
Why couldn't the 'rents have been just a little bit different? How different would I be if they had just shown just a bit of concern, had a bit of presence, tried to be parents beyond providing the basic necessities? How different would my life be now?
Instead, the relationship is so specific, and I'm caught in a trap where I hate them, but I can't break away from them. They rule my life despite my personal rebellion, but I can't make things happen in my life. How would I be if they were open-minded, aware that another reality exists, knew more about the world around them? What if they weren't so greedy and attached to the rule of money?
Why Amina? What happened with her was so specific. She was the one. She is the person I've been looking for all my life and might have looked for through other lives. I've always believed that once I was in a relationship that I really wanted to be in, when I had found the one, I would be able to stay in it no matter what obstacles we faced. All I had to do was show my love and true emotions and be honest with them and her. Communicate and commit. It didn't work. None of it worked, I couldn't do it. She broke it off and I still don't understand it.
The 'rents and Amina, the two biggest influence on my life and they together have landed me so specifically where I am now, wallowing in my own self-destruction. Nothing left inside but alcohol and liking it that way. I could be a true alcoholic and drink myself into stupors, become emotionally unstable and numb at the same time, not be able to control it, become dysfunctional so that it could be pointed at and called a problem. That could be me.
