Perhaps what is most upsetting is that I'm not sure how I got here and from where. I know I've matured to a point where I can be less selfish in relationships and not just concentrate on my own needs based on my own pain. I can deal with other people. I can compromise without giving up too much of myself. My fear now is that I'll slip into my old patterns and miss seeing a bigger picture. Why did I get involved with Joy in the first place? Sometimes it's really hard to see it.
Several months ago it was clear that I wanted to win her love and I compromised and bent to win it. Compromised and bent? Isn't that a way of saying I lied to her? That I didn't let her see a genuine article? I knew it was happening then. Now I ask myself how could I have done such an awful, insincere thing (but isn't that what "dating" is about?). Either I'm a jerk or I'd better keep it in perspective and deal with it maturely. It's rectifiable.
Things have changed. It's easy not to see the things I saw several months ago. We've moved to a different level. I see an ordinary Joy, comfortable at home, not the Joy that had to be self-conscious in front of me. Our relationship has moved from the special to the ordinary, the daily, the taken for granted. A relationship has to survive this transition.
She's not musical at all. She has no religious or metaphysical bent. She has an understanding of the spiritual, but not a deep connection with it. What do we have in common? We don't enjoy the same things, we have very little to share. We will break up within a year, and it will be mutual. We will both realize that we aren't able to give to each other what we need.
It will fade. The love isn't so intense or passionate that it will cascade around us and feed itself ad infinitum. The love grew steadily to a certain level and stayed there and held there, and when it is time to end, it will fade and descend. We'll hug or something and go our separate ways. She's not the type to hold on to other people. I won't.
That's the future, though, and there is the present to contend with. Presently, we go our day by day. There must be a reason I'm going out with her, there must be something to discover, there always is. Unfortunately, it's something for me to discover by myself, Joy has nothing to do with it, not actively at least. She's not part of the discovery or aiding me in it, she's just a vehicle for me to find it. She doesn't see where my eyes look. She has no idea about the way I see the world, what colors I see, what details I notice. I can't lose sight of my path.
So really, what good do I have to say about Joy? What good is she in my life? I don't know. It doesn't seem like there's much, but I'm not adverse to this relationship. I do love her, I'm not unhappy, but...there's always a "but". There is a door that needs to be opened, and if it is not, this relationship will end.
This thing can't last too long. We could never live together; our lives and lifestyles are just way too different. I couldn't live with someone who was completely unmusical. Good god, what am I doing with someone who doesn't have music in her life?! How can that be? She has no idea who or what I am if music doesn't touch her. Ouch!
Then there are my hours and my drinking. It's been hard not cutting. I avoided showering with her for two weeks because of cuts on my foot. I had a band-aid on them for a few days, but if she saw the marks now, she'd know and she'd know that I lied when I told her I dropped something on it. We could never live together, so the way we are is pretty much the way it would have to remain. Stagnation.
I wonder about who I love. I miss many. I miss Luyen. I miss Hiromi. I miss what Amina used to be. I miss Diem and Madoka. Not that any of them are now what I miss of them. I don't know if I love any of them. I do still love Shiho, but that's a given in its limited way.
I'm 25 years old. I wish I had died at least three years ago. What am I doing still alive? How many more years do I have to go and struggle being myself? Am I prepared to die at any time now? I don't know. I hope so. If I came across an opportunity to die, I hope I would take it. But it wouldn't be automatic, it wouldn't be impulse. I would think about it for a second. And maybe that is what would stop me. That consideration in the moment of the true nature of this and now. It's a long moment, long enough to be cursed by the impulse of self-preservation. To choose safety. That is probably what I would do. Nothing in my life suggests that I would do otherwise.
