My life is pulling me apart. I think and I keep running into red lights and dead ends. I feel more strongly that I'm in something similar to what I went through seven years ago. It's in the way I feel and the way I think. It's like I'm hearing voices. I hadn't noticed that before. It's not an actual voice talking to me, but I'm always thinking and something is always going on. I'm constantly distracted, like everything around me is communicating with me, but in an oppressive way. It's like a voice. That's how it was before and it wasn't like this when I was out of it.
The thoughts are the same. Situations run rampant in my head and run their course to their inevitable dead end. I hate my condition and I can't imagine any condition I would like better. Nothing changed even when I got clear, I just ignored it better. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I don't want to get old, but there is a twisted attraction to it. Forty years maybe. Shit.
I can't make decisions about my life. I weigh both sides of all issues and it leaves me no where and drives me batty. Over and over I think that I can't go through this again, and then for a glimmer I think, "why not?".
I think about civilization and all its accomplishments. I see all the people moving in society with their purposes and goals, each constantly taking a single step into a future which holds something unknown. Existence pushing at an outer envelope of time, of the unknown, of the future. Everything is so organized and so defined, but I see no purpose in it all. Why exist at all? Why exist like this? So many people take existence itself for granted, and why not? They exist, it's granted. I wonder what it would be like if people didn't think that way.
There is such a huge difference between the material and the spiritual. Both are here, most choose to live strictly within the material. Just a job to do. What an empty existence.
I hate myself and I hate my life. Life sucks. I can't deal with existence, I can't deal with being me, with being something, anything, anyone. I hate this brain, I hate these eyes, I hate this person. My hair drives me nuts, my kingdom for one good hair day.
