Living in a daze. Looking into the mirror, it felt like I hadn't quite fully awoken. Maybe on days that I awake fully, that's when I'm in a good mood. On other days I reach varying levels of being awake, and accordingly I'm in corresponding moods. Today I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at someone else.
I walked around all day in a daze. It did, however, make me more efficient. I didn't linger anywhere and wasn't distracted. I just did what I had to, no feeling about it. I went and got film for Nobuko and batteries for the camera I nabbed from New Jersey. The light meter is broken, it's not the battery. If I'm going to get into photography, I have to do what is necessary. After Corporations I brought my camera to the store to get it fixed. It'll take a week for them to give me an estimate. Just do it, don't be concerned about the outlay.
I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to push paper or do research and come up with things that I care nothing about. Bartending is do-able, but it means being social. I don't know if I can do it. I should look into sound engineering programs to see what it will take to be a sound tech. That's the kind of job I think I would enjoy.
I feel like I'm in the compensation stage of a break-up. I'm trying to fill the hole left by Shiho by making sure all aspects of my time and attention are occupied. Sweeping out discarded remnants of her memories. Looking at my life and future without accommodating her in any part of it. It hurts. Even though we haven't broken up yet.
Now I have this memory of visiting her in Japan, how this latest development started; her apartment, tiny, one-room, hardly enough for two people. She prepared bedding for me to sleep right below her bed. I didn't expect anything, I was just visiting Japan to see her and Madoka. Old friend, dear friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend who had dumped her to be with another woman. Then at some point during the night, my eyes opened and her hand was right there. I thought she was asleep, but I touched and took her hand anyway. She wasn't asleep and her hand touched my face. It didn't take long before she drew me up into bed with her. More than ten years after we met. The first time.
