February 1998
Aquarius: "Figure out what three experiences you want more than anything else in this life. Write it all down. And be very specific in describing the exact kind of love you really, really want."
1) to experience a spiritual realization that will be the zenith of my present life on earth; the culmination of all that I've been learning; have it all wrap up like a good movie plot. Not enlightenment, obviously, but a mini-enlightenment for this lifetime. The big Buddha E is for all of reality, all lifetimes, all existences; what leads to the end of the cycle of re-births and into bodhisattva/angel existence. I just want a little e for the small things I've been learning and that I'm meant to learn in this life as this person.
2) to be in a rock band with people I like and connect with creatively. Bandmates who are friends I can rely on and have fun with. And I want the experience of that band being reasonably popular and have at least a strong local following.
3) I want to find a love that is a metaphor for God or a relationship with/to/for God. I want someone who will just let me be myself without trying to second guess my thoughts and feelings. I want someone who can take me at face value because she knows what's underneath. I want someone who I can just let be, and trust, relax, and stop with. I want someone that waking up with is a daily affirmation of love and life. I want someone who puts stuff into me, as well as takes stuff out of me, and with whom doing so is comfortable and natural. I want someone who is the songs I will write, the photographs I will print, and the reason why I run and keep on running, which is living.
And realize, Koji, right now that Josephine is not it. This relationship will run its course and it will come to an end. Do not erase this, she believes the exact same thing. Once she grows and learns to let go, she will; and she is growing.
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I can still hate myself and direct that hate against myself. I can take any situation that evokes a feeling I can't deal with and turn it into hate against myself. That's what I learned from my parents, that is my mortal trump card. Depression, frustration, desperation; I can turn them all into anger and hate, and direct it at myself. That's what I've learned to do and it's a lesson I can't unlearn.
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I saw Wim Wender's "Far Away, So Close"; another study in angel theory, á là "Wings of Desire", but more geared to a commercial audience. Nevertheless, there was a lot there.
Angels as intermediaries between humans and God. But not just messengers that treat God and humans as separate, distinct realities. The angels whisper our thoughts to us, whisper our conflicts, our dilemmas, the problems and issues of our behavior that we ultimately decide. They whisper responses, imparting to those who are open to their input; contributing to those who listen with their hearts and not their ears.
Angels as intermediaries between God and humans. But to an extent there is no distinction between God and humans. God is a part of all humans and humans contribute to the nature of God. So angels are only intermediaries between us and ourselves, our Buddha-nature. Angels only connect us to ourselves; that part of us which is the nature of God, inspired by God.
