A lot happened in March, but there were no peaks, just flatline. Enumerating the events just wouldn’t convey what March 1999 was and wasn’t. There was a lot of pain and sadness left over from Josephine, I just can’t seem to neutralize the memories of our times together. And I haven’t yet found a way to honor what our relationship was and what it meant to me. And I don’t think I can bear to cut communications yet. I still need to know that she’s somewhere and where that generally is.
With that subtext, I guess my life just went on in March 1999 and I had my first gig with Fiction, I visited Bob and Lizzie in Philadelphia and helped them move, grappled with uncharacteristically cold and rainy weather, caught the flu, began my running season, and I continue the ongoing saga of my unfinished papers which is keeping me from going out and finding some sort of job. The job search looms.
There’s nothing here in my life. There’s potential, but nothing actually here now. Fiction is a good gig, but I worry whether the music is outdated, would generate a buzz, or would sell. I still think about trying to write and forming my own band. I wonder if I should buy a drumset and start auditioning for bands on drums. I don’t think I’d want another bass gig, but drums is another side of me, another thing I like to do.
In the meantime I also need to start looking into myself more and see if I can pick up what I thought was a spiritual journey I started long ago. It’s a lot harder now. My introduction to it was inspiring, but now it feels tedious and I don’t know if I can do it without a teacher. But it’s something I have to do, that’s the only thing that can possibly have meaning.
