I don’t have any friends. Friends are people who are there when the bottom drops out, and I realize that when my world starts to collapse, none of these people are going to be there. There is no one in my life that I can count on. I have co-workers, bandmates, and housemates. Would any of them be a friend if they weren’t a co-worker, bandmate, or housemate?
I am starting to burn out at work and it’s nothing like I thought it would be. I thought I’d approached burning out before, but it was different before, I was still able to function. That wasn’t burning out, that was frustration and tension; that was hating my job. Now I’m really burning out. There’s a point in the day after which I can’t function anymore, I’m just despondent. I can’t focus; I’ll have five different things on my desk and I can’t get any of them done. I start working on one thing, then I look over at another thing, get distracted and start working on that thing, and I end up getting nothing done. I’m going to call in sick on Friday. Maybe Monday, too.
I need to keep the end of my life in mind, too. I’m supposed to be in my twilight years, not languishing in a dead-end job, doing something I really don’t care for. I’m giving the band a chance, but for how long? Am I clear on what I want out of it in the remaining time I have left? Play gigs? Expression? I’m really not that sure.
I need to calm my mind and not be a part of this world. I need to sit and concentrate, focus on what’s important. I have to remember that dying can’t be a plan. It has to be something I just do, and I have to be completely clear leading up to that point. At this rate, I’m never going to have that clarity. My life is completely clouded and fogged in.
