Am I true to myself?
That has been the litmus test of my spirituality since I formulated the connection. If god is part of us, within us, a reflection of us, then being true to oneself is the foremost duty to god, above and beyond materialistic morality and devotion to a god that is other than us – a means of avoiding responsibility by placing judgment in the hands of a higher authority rather than in ourselves. It is a paradigm that breeds hypocrisy.
The realization strikes in full colors of glory and irony that, no, I do not. In fact, could I live my life farther from my true self? It is a deluded life I lead, keeping myself hidden, avoiding the truth, not letting people see me.
But it gets complicated if I separate me in respect to the world around me and me to myself. Me in respect to the world around me is a complete lie, and no one in the world around me has any idea what I’m about. On the other hand, me to myself isn’t quite that bad. I don’t lie to myself. Even when my own mind is playing games with me, I admit it even if I can’t figure the game out.
But is there really that separation between me to the world around me and me to myself? Or is that something I’m creating so that I can isolate the me to myself and say that I am true to myself, and the me to the world around me is insignificant?
I don’t have an answer to that, but as long as the doubt is there, I assume that there is no separation. If I’m not true to myself in respect to the world around me, then I’m also not being true to myself to me. So now what? How do I approach this so late in my life? Do I need to? No, that’s not my style. I’ll keep the question in my mind and go about my daily life.
