Englewood Cliffs, NJ

The semester has ended. A melancholy bit to look back to. Looking back a few years more and I can’t believe that I was in the woods for three years. The difference being out of them is so vivid. All my journals from that earlier time have been burned. We made a little event of it at the end of the semester in the Third World House lounge fireplace. Kim burned writings, I tossed in my story so far.

And here I am, in love and a little diverted from my struggles and goals but satisfied overall at my progress.

I’ll have a single next semester. I was supposed to have one this past semester but I gave it up, BIG mistake, to help out Ching Ching. Idiot. Sakuko is coming to Ohio in March. She’ll be studying for a year in Columbus. This is the longest relationship I’ve been in and there’s a good reason why - she’s in Japan, I’m in Ohio.

I can only wonder how things will work when we’re put together. I keep wondering what’s keeping it alive. I wonder whether I can really love. I have to try to make it work. I have to tolerate and absolutely not test her. If I do the test thing, forget it. My defenses are so perfected that they won’t allow anyone through. I have to prove this to myself that I’m not fucked up anymore.