Summer school began at the beginning of the month. I stay in the apartment above the ‘rent’s office and commute to the Village three times a week. There’s nothing special about the class, “Sociology of the Family”, a Women’s Studies course. It’s not difficult, not ground-breaking stuff, but it offers useful information and fresh perspectives in a non-challenging fashion.
It has so far been a well-balanced, serene type of Summer. Almost numbing. The tone of the Summer has been set by my own thoughts and feelings, which I keep to myself. When just left to thought, it gets a bit serious and somber, but also serene.
I go running frequently, and I have my stereo and my computer and it’s Summer. I have no complaints about this, it’s easy living. Occasionally I get together with Liz or Myung, who is in New Jersey for the Summer to spend some time with his newly discovered mother.
I like going into New York three days a week. I enjoy the mindless hour commute and deadpan faces staring into oblivion. I like playing the part of a consumer on a regular basis, getting my poppy seed bagel with cream cheese and coffee, cream no sugar, before every class. I love being nocturnal again.
I love the feel and the smell of Summer nights. There’s something mysterious and vast about them. It’s as if they’re stirring something in my memory. I can’t tell what. They remind me of some other place, a different time and different place, but I have no idea when or where. Something about the breezes, cool and silent. There’s something yearning and inviting in the Summer night sky. Something about Summer nights make me feel that this world is very much a part of the entire cosmos. And a certain flavor is given to the feeling when you’re missing someone far, far away.
My feelings towards Amina have warmed to a comfortable understanding. Whatever gets assumed from now will be what is already known. I’m not going to push anything. I know I love her and probably always will and I’m just glad that she is permanently in my life. What I’ve felt for her is real and always has been and now we know our relationship to each other and our limitations. It doesn’t change how I feel, but at least I know.
It was brave of her to use the words “I love you”, but then turn around and say “yes I do, but I’m committed, I’m sorry”. It seems she has always been honest and sincere and I greatly appreciate that.
I can’t say she did anything wrong. She didn’t lead me along, she didn’t deceive me. She gave me credit. She made a mistake but she could have waffled over it for fear of my reaction and that would have been worse. Instead, she stayed straight on the line and didn’t play any games. I should learn that, it might help me handle something in the future.
I’m trying to develop a new attitude towards the ‘rent’s. I need to be more tactful in getting what I want with the least losses and the least risks. The hate here is just not worth the energy. I do owe them. Regardless of the sluggish economy of emotions, they have financially sacrificed and invested. As for the return on the investment, I have no idea at this point.
