Kazue picked me up at the airport and brought me back here to Juso. Mi-chan stopped by later, and of course I was greeted by auntie and uncle who still live in the apartment upstairs. It’s all familiar in a surreal way, which is nothing that I didn’t expect.
I’ve been re-familiarizing myself with the surrounding area. The day after I got here, I took a long walk. I found the Yodogawa easily enough and made my way across it to Umeda. I remember the general layout of the area well enough to find my way around. I remember the main roads, the Hankyu station, the local shopping arcade.
Yodogawa (Yodo River), looking back at Juso.
I’ve been eating with uncle and auntie which has been pretty uncomfortable since we can’t communicate very well. I’m very polite and I thank them for everything. I wish they would let me help with cleaning up, or anything so that I won’t feel like a useless freeloader.
I got in touch with Madoka and Sakuko almost immediately and that helped buffer the shock. My cousin Gary, Audrey’s brother, also coincidentally visited soon after I arrived. He only stayed a few days, but he was able to translate, so there was that window of communication while he was here to help me clear up some basics with auntie.
I’ve been dreaming of life in the States. I wake up wondering where I am and it always seems to be with disappointment and homesickness that I realize that I’m here. Most unusual considering this is where I want to be.
But I’m alone here, an exile in disguise, an observer living in mortal fear that someone will walk up to me and talk to me and find out my awful truth. I’ve been trying to learn this language for so long and I still can’t. That’s gotta be about something. And I need to stop fucking apologizing whenever I have to explain that I don’t speak the language.
My thoughts are a-buzz, a continuation of the anxiety and constant mental activity during the month prior to coming here. Only it’s immediate now, no longer distant. What am I doing here? How am I going to do it? What to do after my three month visa expires? Thoughts flash and my feelings keep changing. I don’t know what kind of life I want to lead or what kind of person I want to be HERE. Yesterday, almost as an exercise, I scared myself thinking that I don’t want to die. Allow myself to severely attach to this physical existence and not wanting to know of any other kind. If only I can stop thinking and concentrate on learning the language.
Shiho called. Her voice had a warm familiarity and I felt waves of overwhelming reminiscence. So much time has passed and the reality of our relationship was distance. Now we’re back in the same country and she feels close, her reality is almost present. Have we changed too much since high school? It’s been six years, so our separation has been longer than the time we were friends in New Jersey.
Amina and I were riding on a bus. It was raining. The clouds started breaking and when the sun came out, I thought that there must be a rainbow. I looked out the window. We were on the right side of the bus, and she was to my right in the window seat. The sun was coming out on the left, so the rainbow had to be out the right window. When I saw it, I looked at her and looked back out the window trying to indicate that there was something there. There was a white guy in the seat behind us and I was annoyed that he was there. I didn’t want to communicate anything at all to him so I was being secretive with Amina and not saying anything out loud. Amina asked what I was looking at. I asked what she thought I saw, trying to indicate with my eyes the sun at the left and the rain. I was using my eyes and my face and our faces ended up close to each other. I was aware of wanting to respect her space so I wasn’t comfortable being so close to her, but I also didn’t want to move away from her. Then it became clear that it was no mistake that her face was so close to mine, so I moved my face towards her until our cheeks gently touched. Slowly we turned until our lips met and we kissed. I savored the warmth and her softness and I couldn’t believe I was kissing her. My mouth was tingling and my heart jumping. Never a kiss like that, never wanting to stop. Or so I dreamed.
