Things have been going miserably with Amina so far. We’re living in an off-campus house, kinda far from campus actually, and it’s a grungy place and we live with a bunch of hippie white people.
Me, I’m not holding up very well. I’m still recovering from the past half year and I feel now that I’m in a transition period before heading to California and that is making me anxious. It may be my old problem with adjusting to new situations. Either way, things have been tense with Amina and we’ve been struggling to level things out.
I told Amina everything that went on this past semester, something I regret doing and shouldn’t have done, but even having told her, she doesn’t really understand the effect of what happened.
I also held it against Amina that we’re living with a bunch of hippie white people and not alone. I took that as an indication that she didn’t want this summer to be an intimate time to build our relationship because now we have to deal with all these other people. I held it against her that she gets along with white people and that being with her might mean having to deal with them more.
I know Amina hasn’t done anything wrong, I know none of this is right, I know none of this is her, I know this is my problem, but knowing what the problem is isn’t helping me find solutions to overcome the effects of the problems. We have so much fun and we enjoy being with each other, but when things get tense, the things that come out of my mouth are unbelievable.
She has done so much for me and she means so much to me, I just have so much trouble expressing my gratitude, appreciation and affection openly in this house. It comes to mind and heart, I just can’t get it out. I don’t know why I can’t break out of my undesirable impulses to take offense and to distance. I don’t know why I can’t be stronger for Amina. I feel that she doesn’t need me and she has a life of her own. I see her stressed because of me and she’d probably be having a good time here if it wasn’t for me being sour and tense.
Lately I’ve been feeling like there is an inner shell developing inside of me. I have my outer shell which everyone sees. Under that is another shell that contains my feelings and expression and it’s under lock and key. A definite separation between the shells has become more and more pronounced. Not only is the inner shell closed off and inaccessible, but it is shrinking, increasing the distance between the two shells, making me feel more distanced and isolated.
Communication has failed between us. I resort to letters I won’t send and we’ve stopped telling each other how we feel. We’ve stopped asking and requesting of each other and instead we just expect from each other. We need to talk more and be true to ourselves. I need to stop being so wrapped up in my problems. New Jersey is behind me, I’m going to California, I need to look up.
