I can’t believe I survived until September! What? Two weeks? Law school sucks, it’s hard as hell and requires a mindset that I’d rather not develop. I’m utterly and completely unmotivated and depressed. It’s antithetical to the person I want to be.
I have some good days, some bad. Some days are hard, other days harder. I’m mostly lonely and I feel displaced. My class schedule is hardest on Mondays and Wednesdays. By the end of the day, I walk out of classes in a daze and I have to decompress and recover. It makes me really hate the ‘rents. How much more can I possibly hate them?
I have some days that are really bad but I don’t realize how bad they are until halfway through and look back at it. Today was one of those days. It’s hard not to have bad days when all days depress me to some extent. What topped it off today was hitting an old lady’s car with my Rodeo. My car was undamaged, but I broke one of her rear lights.
It all came rushing at me: I hate living in this world. I hate material life. There are too many people, too many bad people. Too much liability, too many people at too many other peoples’ throats. Life and society is too complicated.
This isn’t the result of hitting that old lady’s car, don’t get me wrong. She came out of her car yelling up a storm, but she was immediately placated when I apologized and told her I would be more than happy to pay for the damage. She became very civil at that point and there was no conflict to resolve. But it’s sad that her first reaction was to be antagonistic and belligerent.
But my problem is that it could have been worse. I’ve never had to deal with responsibility and real life and living. I’ve never lived in the “real” world, I’ve always had things done for me. I could afford to be stuck in a mental hospital when other people have such worse problems than I do.
Until recently I’ve never had to deal with taxes, voting, insurance, credit, bank accounts, jobs. But this accident stirred things up - damages caused to other people, responsibility and liability, having to watch your every move so that you don’t accidentally step on someone’s toes and get sued for battery. Is that what real life is about? Is that how people want to live their lives?
I didn’t have to hit that old lady. I didn’t have to be there to hit that old lady. I didn’t have to have been in my car today. I could have stopped at some other supermarket, I didn’t have to try to get around her because she was driving like . . . an old lady. It was so arbitrary.
